Name: 146 - Small Town Girl
Uploaded: 2019-05-05T04:30:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '146 - Small Town Girl' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-05. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '146 - Small Town Girl' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-05. Transcript available.

146 - Small Town Girl

Fill her up!
You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.
And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Hey everybody, welcome to Tim Dillon's Going to Hell.
We are broadcasting from a porch in Los Angeles, California.
I'm here with my friend Devin Costa.
Nice to be here again, back in LA.
So you might hear some noise in the episode, a dog bark, you might hear a cholo.
A drone.
Something.
You know, you don't need to send me a message and let me know.
Enjoy the birds chirping.
Enjoy the fucking natural sounds.
What do they call them on YouTube?
What do they call the things?
Ambient noise?
Ambient noises, yeah, yeah.
People can't sleep because they hate their life.
But if they listen to a waterfall, it's okay.
Yep.
If I just listen to a soft rain.
Wind.
Wind.
Wind.
Wind.
Yeah.
It'll make this loveless marriage I've committed myself to not even matter.
Ambient noise.
We're doing this on the porch because the power at my friend's house here in LA
has gone out.
And it's a real block party.
All these neighbors who never speak to each other under any circumstances
unless it's shared tragedy have all decided to acquaint.
They're all introducing themselves.
They've all lived here years.
Yeah, for the first time.
By the way, I'm your neighbor.
Do you not have power too?
And one lady came over, nice woman, Asian woman.
I thought it'd be funny.
She came to my friend's fiancee and she said, hey neighbor, how are you?
Do you have a power outage?
I thought it'd be really great if my friend's fiancee just looked at her and
said, hey, listen, before we get into this, do you have a green card?
Do you have any papers?
I just want to be, I want to be safe.
Yeah.
And I just, before we do this, and not to be offensive to you, but do you have
any papers?
Are you a resident alien?
Are you a?
Yeah.
That's, it would be funny if that happened.
It would be funny.
It would be funny.
It'd be a joke.
Why can't you say things that are, you know, you can, you can, folks.
I just got back from Moontower Comedy Festival in Austin.
I was having a lackluster set after lackluster set, stone cold sober, while
navigating an array of human filth, stumbling around 6th Street, just drunk frat
bros and tech bros, homeless people, all white, which is nice to see.
It's good to see them struggle.
Dirty, filthy people in Austin, Texas.
And then just, you know, the badges cost between $400 and $1,000.
And listen.
Unbelievable.
So I guess there's people in the audience.
And listen, I saw some people have good sets, so I'm not going to say part of
it was me, you know?
Yeah.
But I was, I did a great live podcast with Ron Bennington.
That was fucking great.
And then Stand Up on the Spot, the show that Jeremiah Watkins does, was fun,
too.
But I don't know what it was.
Maybe I'm sick of some of the material I'm doing.
I just, it wasn't connecting with the people.
You had these seven-minute sets.
You had to get on and off the stage.
I'm a lot in seven minutes.
Yeah.
You know?
And people are still sorting out what's going on.
Right.
And it was definitely not my best showing there.
But I got to spend time with a lot of other comedians, agents, and managers.
So, thank Christ.
Yeah, that's at least the silver lining there.
Thank God I got to spend quality time with people in the entertainment business.
Because if not...
You wouldn't be funny if it wasn't for them.
If I didn't spend time with the great people of True TV and others, I don't
know why I would get up in the morning.
Right.
So, it's well worth it.
The lackluster sets, the vacant looks in the faces of people as I'm out there.
Yeah.
Trying to get a fucking chuckle.
Right.
Got it.
Seven minutes.
A festival.
You fly out to do seven minutes.
Can you believe that?
I don't know.
I believe that comedy festivals should be illegal.
And I've said that.
I've been on record.
And I've said they should not be legal.
Music festivals, no festival.
Yeah.
Block parties.
Yeah.
Large gatherings where people pay to have fun.
Yeah.
Should go away.
Yeah.
In my opinion.
Yeah, I agree.
Now, I would still like to get booked at them.
So, if you're listening to this, don't take this as like, let's not book Tim.
Yeah.
I'm just saying, whenever organization is involved, the fun is, but listen,
people had great sets.
I'm not, I'm not, I'm not, I'm not negging anything.
I had a bad couple of fucking shows and you know, I'm a bitch.
I can't fucking handle it.
Yeah.
Well, I mean, it just sounds like you're kind of a little disillusioned with
standup at the moment.
You know, standup is great for, you know, but it's also, there's something
about, some people love the formulaic nature of comedy.
And I don't love that as much as I love other parts of it, but I respect the
craft of it and it's fucking hard.
But like, so to me, sometimes I like a live podcast, especially at a festival
where these are comedy fans and they want to see you stretch a little, do
something different.
So, you know, I just, there's a lot of comedy out there, man.
I mean, the first show in Austin, I was talking to the guy in the front row.
I'm like, what are you doing?
He goes, I just started comedy a month ago.
I just started doing comedy.
Like, automatically I get turned off.
Yeah.
I get a little turned off.
Yeah.
I'm a little disgusted that that's what you're doing.
Yeah.
You know, it shouldn't be.
I guess I should be like, yeah, good for you, man.
Right.
But there's a part of me.
You know what it is.
That, you know, that just wants to kill him.
You're sitting front row.
You know there's a chance if you're in the front row, somebody's going to talk
to you.
Right.
Especially somebody like me who's done three jokes to stone silence.
I'm going to get involved with the front row now because I got to bail out.
I got two minutes left.
Let's try to get a couple of chuckles or a cough so I can get the fuck out of
here.
Go back to my hotel.
Go to True TV's meat party and eat brisket and fart and burp in front of people
that could write me a check to be on their network.
Sit there and have the meat sweats in front of a bunch of executives that I
should be trying to please, hypothetically.
There's no better time to talk shop than when you're eating brisket.
Yeah.
When you're throwing down brisket and Marlboro Reds in Austin.
But, you know.
Yeah.
Who gives a fuck?
It was fun.
Great time.
Thanks for having me.
Love to go again.
Great time.
Happy to be there.
Thanks for having me.
You know.
Yeah.
Were you supposed to go to a petting zoo or something?
Yeah, Netflix, in all their infinite wisdom, has decided that it would be funny
for their social media if comedians took pictures with animals they're torturing
by locking them in cages.
And I'm not an animal rights activist.
You guys know that.
I like a ribeye.
I don't give a shit.
But, you know, why do you have a chinchilla in a cat carrier in the fucking
hotel?
Right.
So that me and the Sklar brothers can hug it for your fucking Instagram.
Why is that funny?
And why do we have to put the animal through torture like that?
Why do I have to see somebody holding a lizard to think they're funny?
Yeah.
I said to the people at Netflix, I go, what's the bit?
Right.
Because I refuse to do it.
I'm like, what is the bit?
The animals weren't miserable enough.
They got to hang out with comics, too.
Yeah.
It's like, what would the bit be here?
That I'm holding a lizard?
They're like, we have bunnies.
It's just fun to have you hold a bunnies.
Why is it fun?
Yeah.
And then they look at you like you're insane.
Like you're the problem.
So I didn't do that.
I did a fun thing, which I hope to play on the podcast, where we had some fun.
Some of their stuff was funny.
Right.
They prompted me with words, you know, like pitch this show.
If this is a couple of words, pitch the show.
And that was funny.
And I had a lot of fun doing it.
So it's not all bad.
This is the thing.
They have some good instincts.
But then there's the petting zoo shit, which somebody brings up and nobody vetoes
that person.
Right.
What is their thinking with something like that?
For comic, like with no idea behind it other than just comics hanging out with
animals?
It's a visual.
Let's get someone's attention.
People like animals.
All right.
People like comics who are also animals.
Maybe if we put them together.
Right.
It'll be cute.
It'll be cute.
Because if someone sees me holding a chinchilla, they'll go watch my comedy
lineup set.
If they can find it.
Yeah.
You know what you find easier?
A chinchilla.
I think more people will go buy a chinchilla than then go watch a stand-up set
after that.
Well, what the fuck do I know?
You know, I'm not a marketing wizard.
Yeah.
Yeah, you don't need a special password to go see a chinchilla.
You know, and I made some jokes.
I go, listen, I know you guys are getting floated by Saudi royal money.
I thought that was funny.
And they laughed.
They laughed.
Those, listen, they're not bad people.
They get it.
They know it's funny.
But, and listen, it's a job for a lot of them.
Somebody up the chain said, let's take photos of fucking people with, you know,
fucking bunnies and snakes.
And they were like, okay.
But I refused that.
I refused the petting zoo segment.
I just didn't have as much fun because I'm a cunt and I didn't do as well as I
wanted to on the shows.
I love my friends.
I saw some of them.
They were a lot of fun.
And some of the other people I saw that I don't see a lot, I was like, oh, this
is nice to see them.
And then you talk to them for a few minutes and you go, yeah, this is, this is
enough.
And I'm sure they feel that way about me.
Right.
I'm sure they feel that way about me too.
So it's not a big deal.
I had more fun FaceTiming you.
Right.
The police chase.
Watching a high speed chase.
Boy.
For three hours.
Three hour police chase.
In Los Angeles.
It was crazy.
The guy got in his car, drove through a fence at a park, escaping the cops.
Drove through a fence.
Drove the fence into the street.
Then finally his car got over the fence.
And just, he never touched anything else.
The rest of it.
He was like a perfect driver.
Now you grew up in LA, are there chases like this all the time?
Oh yeah, a lot, constantly.
Because you can't, like in New York, you can't really do a high speed chase in
Manhattan.
Yeah, you were saying that in New York they would have just fucking, you know,
shot the
guy up in his car.
People in New York are so miserable, they will start hitting the guy with their
car.
Right.
Because they want to be a hero.
Right.
They don't even care.
You'll get in an accident in New York before anyone knows it's a chase.
Yeah.
But we're watching this thing and I FaceTime you.
It's two hours into it.
Two hours in, yeah.
Two hours in, I FaceTime you because I'm riveted by a high speed chase and it
doesn't end.
It doesn't end.
You're just waiting for this ending and it...
There's no ending.
And what's amazing is that there's always traffic.
It took me an hour to get here from the airport.
Right.
There was no traffic.
No.
It was unbelievable.
And the guy, he ran the gas tank, I guess, down to fucking fumes.
To the very fucking end.
And the reason this all got going, supposedly, was that there was some domestic
violence situation.
Right.
A woman, somebody saw him hitting a woman in the front seat and then, because
they're a rat, they called the police.
Yeah.
Because they're a fucking, you know, and I'm, yeah.
There was really no, no one had any solid info on if it was an actual domestic
violence case.
It was just a guy driving with his girlfriend in the passenger seat.
Right.
And the news was just assuming it was like...
It was just a Spanish guy driving with his girlfriend.
So somebody probably thought that was illegal.
And called the police.
And what's great is you don't usually see the police work.
Yeah.
And when you do, a lot of times, the stunning level of incompetence is amazing.
Oh, yeah.
When you watch them.
And also, this is all covered by the local news.
You know, like Fox 11 LA.
Yeah, yeah.
And th