Name: 147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)
Uploaded: 2019-05-12T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-05-12. Transcript available.

147 - Love Tim (with Kevin Tienken)

Fill her up!
You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.
And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Welcome to Tim Dillon's Going to Hell, everybody.
We are here on the back deck again with my friend, comedian, very funny, Kevin
Tinkin.
Hello.
Thank you for being here again.
Thanks for having me.
No problem.
Again, folks, we're outside.
You might hear a little, you might hear a helicopter.
The screech of an eagle.
You might hear something like that.
But you don't have to, you don't have to get on the DM and tell me about it.
Unless it's a positive fucking comment.
Unless you're like, this is so fucking nice that you're doing this outside.
Yeah.
Because we got some ambient noise in the background so I can fall asleep.
I imagine most of you fall asleep listening to the sound of my voice.
I hope that that's...
That's how I get sober.
Yeah.
So listen to the sound of your voice.
I wonder how many people are listening to this show either sobering up or relapsing.
Yeah.
It's definitely one of the two.
If you're going through a police checkpoint, you've had a few drinks, throw in
a pod, sober up.
Yeah.
So, you know, but I like doing them outside.
Maybe it's something about being in L.A.
There's something nice about being outside here.
In New York City, you know, there's so many fucking people everywhere.
You can't do anything outside without involving the neighbor or, you know...
Somebody hollering at you to get some bootlegs.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Somebody...
That doesn't...
Yeah.
Or somebody selling their mixtape.
Oh, yeah.
You remember the guy that comes up to the gas station and goes, hey, I want to
give you
my CD, and then he goes, 10 bucks.
No, I've never had it at a gas station.
That's happened to me.
But in New York, they do it in Times Square.
Yeah.
But you know what?
How much better off are those guys than most people that we know?
Oh, yeah.
They're actually trying to sell something, at least.
They're trying...
They figured out a marketing strategy for their fucking art.
Dude, it's direct to marketing.
I had...
I was a tour guide in New York City on the double-decker buses, and we would
get people...
And then, like, a British woman came up to me, and she's like, I gave a man $60
in Central
Park.
He sold me a CD.
She's like, are there really 100,000 homeless children in New York?
And I'm like, I don't know.
Maybe.
Probably.
I don't know.
And she goes like this.
She goes, well, that man told me that if I bought his CD, the money goes to the
homeless
children.
It's a donation for the homeless children in New York.
There's 100,000 homeless.
And I'm like, I told him, like, ma'am, you know, I don't...
Did he have any, like...
It was just a guy that walked up to him with a CD, which, by the way, brilliant
move on
his part, instead of just being like...
Because what they do is if you've ever...
In New York, they give you the CD for free.
They go like, hey, I'm a...
And then they go...
And then they'll take it back if you won't give them money.
Yep.
They put the CD in your hand.
And they go, hey, by the way, I'm a struggling artist.
I'm trying to get my music out there.
So all these British people and, like, people from Norway come over, they've
never seen black
people.
Oh, yeah.
So they're excited to get a CD from a black...
And they want to act like they're cool.
You know what I mean?
Because people don't get mad at me.
There's not a lot of white people doing this.
One of the shadows, gentlemen.
There's not a lot of white people slinging mixtapes in Central Park or Times
Square.
There's just not.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah.
And I bet these mixtapes are good.
It's not a lot of white kids doing this.
By the way, if you see a white person doing this, shoot them.
Like, the cops should be able to shoot white people who are selling mixtapes.
We've got to get those numbers up anyway.
Right.
We've got to get those white kids getting shot numbers up.
I mean, I'm not a big guy on cultural appropriation, but I'll tell you right
now, every now and
then I see something that makes me sick.
A white kid selling a mixtape will throw me into a funk.
I'll be like, that is not your fucking turf.
Get the fuck out of here.
It's the wrong area.
It's the wrong area.
But you do see that a lot in terms of these foreign people that want to be cool.
Dude, they're hustling.
And then they get this mixtape and then they're standing there.
And then a lot of them will just give the money because they don't know.
Yeah.
You know, they don't know.
They're like, well, I don't want to, you know, so they're guilty.
Oh, yeah.
You know, some Scandinavian family.
Some of them don't.
It really depends on.
We went to the States and we changed the entire economic structure.
Right.
We're buying a few mixtapes from some gentlemen in the park.
Yeah.
We just helped.
Yeah.
I knew the woman got ripped off as soon as she said to me, are there 100,000
homeless in
New York?
As soon as she said that, I'm like, who beat you out of what?
Yeah.
Like, what did you get beaten out of?
Well, those are the type of stats you can't put on a SoundCloud upload either.
And by the way, it's one of those questions where I'm like, I don't know,
probably.
Yeah.
Like, it's, I don't know.
It sounds high, but then it also sounds low.
Like, I don't, it's one of those stats where you don't really know.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm like, I don't know.
I'm homeless, I think.
I don't know if I have a home.
Yeah.
Like, I don't.
Somebody told me, he's like, hey, I'm not slinging the CDs the heart of it.
He goes, are you mentioning the homeless?
Yeah.
Are you mentioning the homeless in New York?
Yeah.
Well, that's the thing.
It's like, you can't just, you can't just lead with the music.
You've got to lead with a social ill.
Yeah.
Children work well.
Yeah.
My grandma got gangrene.
Can you buy my album?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Is there any way, is it true that everybody's grandmother here has gangrene?
Is that, is that true?
Does every elderly person have a flesh eating bacteria in New York?
Is that true?
He showed me his foot and I felt obliged.
$80 on a CD for a man whose grandmother has necrotizing fasciitis.
He felt like he deserved it and he's working for it.
So I felt fine.
That's one of those diseases I, I really like, you know, I, I, I'm a serious or
was a serious
hypochondriac and I still kind of fuck with it a little bit.
Oh yeah.
But you know, necrotizing fasciitis, which is the flesh eating back every now
and then
a kid goes swimming in a lake and then three quarters of his body is like eaten
by a flesh
eating bacteria.
That's terrifying.
I know.
Dude, there's this girl I used to work with.
She got bit by a black widow and it looked like that shit.
Like it was really, yeah, it was like the spidering veins coming out and then
she, she just cut
it open that doctors did.
And it looked like she just had a vagina on the side of her leg.
Really?
Dude, I'm telling you, it was the most disgusting thing I'd ever seen.
And I, it, it terrified.
I'm still more terrified of spiders today.
I mean, listen, a lot.
It's rare that you'll die.
I did a report on spiders in eighth grade.
Oh really?
Yeah, I did.
I did a report on spiders.
I, it was for my, the science fair.
That's impressive.
And by the way, it like the science fair, you're supposed to do like an
experiment.
The teacher was like, this has nothing to do.
I brought a tarantula in from a pet store.
Yeah.
The teacher was like, this is nothing.
You know, all the other kids did like experiments or like the volcano or like,
this is how water
changes from a gas to a solid.
She's like, your science fair project is just that there are spiders.
She's like, this is, cause I just loved spiders.
I'm like, yeah, there's, this is a tarantula.
Dude, you're, you're a weird kid.
I was weird, but I was just also like, I thought it was funny and cool that I
just brought a spider
in and the teacher was like, this checks off none of the boxes of what a
technical science
fair project is supposed to be.
But I got to have a spider for a week.
And the only way that I was able to do that is telling my mother that I need it
for a
science fair project.
It's for school.
Yeah.
Yeah.
So I'm like, we got to go get a tarantula.
Dude, my, my girl just did a science, a science fair.
How old?
She's nine.
Okay.
And, uh, she literally, I went and saw it at the school.
I didn't want to say anything.
Right.
But like everybody else, they look nice.
Their parents obviously helped more than we did.
And, uh, and hers.
You were, you let her, you let her on her own a little bit.
We let her kind of, you know, it's her science project.
I'm there to guide, but I got video games to play.
And Kev, she's nine.
If she hasn't figured it out by now.
Exactly.
She never will.
Yeah.
I'm with you.
She's got to learn, learn how to fail.
Right.
You know, but hers is literally just a bunch of oranges in a plastic cup.
Like, I'm not even kidding.
It was, it was, it was like, it's supposed to be.
It was like a two gallon jug of water that we cut the top off of.
And there's oranges in there and it's supposed to be whether oranges float with
the peel on
or the peel off.
Oh.
And so, uh, but when we went there, there was no water.
It was just oranges.
What is this?
Like an autistic science fair?
It's like a weird obsession for anyone to have.
They're just excited to get the kids involved in the scientific process.
You know what I mean?
What's great about the science fair is you can really see whose parents should
be in jail,
you know, by what a kid will come in with.
The social services at the door.
Yeah.
Like some crackhead kid will come in.
Like his parents are crackheads.
He'll come in with like the poster boards not even done.
You know, the oak tag.
He's got like papers that aren't, it's like he hand wrote it and he just glued
it on.
Yeah.
Everyone else, all the other kids have like, you know, just like post like
cards that are
like, like, you know, fixed onto the oak tag.
It looks really nice.
It's colorful.
It's attractive.
He just ripped the paper out of one of those binders with all the spools on the
sides.
It's all frayed.
Yeah.
This poor kid just fucking sitting there at his dining room table trying to do
this while
his parents cook up a rock in the next room.
And like, you know, they just walk out and look at it and they go, this is, it'll
do.
Yeah.
That's fine, son.
We're just glad Timmy's getting involved.
We're just glad he's participating.
Yeah.
There, I mean, I was in a few of those houses when I was growing up because I,
I was a, you
know, I was a, I was a, uh, hooligan.
I was a kid that wanted to like get drugs all the time.
Right.
You, you never smoked crack.
Did you?
Um, I free based cocaine.
Okay.
And I remember one of the funniest, the JV of crack.
Yeah.
We did, we took rocks of Coke.
We didn't cook it up to make it crack, but we put them in a, we free based
again.
And it was basically crack.
I was, somebody in the house said to us, they're like, this is basically crack.
We just laughed so hard.
We were 14.
It was one of those times where you just laugh and we're smoking crack and we're
just
like, they're like, this is basically crack.
And I looked at my buddy and I went, this is, we're basically smoking crack.
And he, we just, we fell down laughing.
It was just one of those middle school memories that a lot of people have, but
like I would
every now and then, like, uh, there was this kid, Ryan, whose parents were drunks
and like,
you know, and we went like, once we went into his house to smoke some weed and
he's like,
Hey, before you go in here, you know, my house kind of dirty.
He was like ashamed of it.
You know, I was like, dude, I hang out at, I'm not going to say their names,
but I was
like, I hang out at blank plant, you know, which was the Coke house in town.
And he's like, no, I know.
And he kind of laughed.
I was like, I don't give a fuck, dude.
But a lot of my childhood was spent in absolutely filthy houses with like
cigarette burns in
the carpet, ashtrays o