Name: Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)
Uploaded: 2019-06-02T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-02. Transcript available.

Episode 150 - Your Thoughts Have No Value (with Luke Touma)

Fill her up!
You're listening to the Gas Digital Network.
And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell, everybody.
It is the last episode recorded from New York City, a once great city, that I
will be leaving
to head to Los Angeles, California.
You know, guys, I got to be honest.
I was one of the only comedians that did it all.
I did the alt rooms.
I did the clubs.
I was respected by everybody.
That breed of comedian is dying.
And when I leave, I imagine this entire city and comedy scene, of which I have
no interest
in, will disintegrate pretty much immediately after I am gone.
As soon as they say wheels up and that plane's in the air, I would imagine that
the mediocre
New York comedy scene that gets softer by the day will collapse immediately.
And it will be chaos without me because I was really a mascot of this scene.
I was an avatar for it.
It is the end of an era.
And it's tragic for many people.
I've been getting messages all week from people that are trying to decide
whether or not they
should continue living on this earth.
Okay?
With me today, a guy who's opened for me a few times, I mean comedically, Luke
Tuma.
He's very funny.
Luke is a New York comedian.
He grew up in Buffalo, which is, what is your house worth in Buffalo?
Like $100,000.
$100,000.
Yeah.
$100,000.
Yeah.
Which is all right out there.
You can get a house in Buffalo for like $16,000.
And it's actually a nice house.
Yeah, it's all right.
Yeah, yeah.
$100,000.
This kid grew up in a car.
This kid grew up in a BMW 7 Series car.
He never had Tuna Tartare.
I took him to open for me at Mohegan Sun.
He didn't know what Tuna Tartare was.
We were sitting in Bobby Flay's restaurant, Bar American.
Fine.
And they bring out a Tuna Tartare.
And this kid's like, what is this?
And he just, he's so excited, which is not, it's always good.
It's always good to be friends with somebody who, you know, has experienced
less in their life than you have.
Because I get very hardened and cynical, and I want to experience things
through Luke's eyes.
So I bring him on the road.
And like, you know, when we, you know, go to a nice restaurant or something, or
a place with like tablecloths.
No, I'm kidding.
How bad is Buffalo?
It's not good.
It's not.
It's a lot like Newark, New Jersey.
I mean, it's like shitty.
It's like, Philadelphia is the closest vibe I've seen to Buffalo, but it's like
much, Philly's much nicer.
Yeah.
Buffalo's like.
Well, Philly has commerce.
Yeah.
Buffalo had like a Kodak factories back in like the 1900s, and then that's gone.
Will your family ever leave Buffalo?
Never, dude.
Never.
They were born and raised there.
They left each, like my mom and dad each left for like two months apiece.
And then it's.
That's it.
Sucked them back in.
So you're the only person in your family to leave Buffalo, and you're trying to
become a clown.
Yeah, exactly.
So how embarrassing is that?
Can you imagine his parents being like, well, yeah, Luke's leaving.
He's in New York.
Oh, what's he doing?
Oh, he's a comedian.
It's like, it almost doesn't count.
But it is nice to have you here.
I think you're one of the good ones, you know?
And what I mean by that is white.
No, he's a, uh, you are part Muslim.
Yeah, I'm Lebanese.
You're Lebanese.
Doing my first Lebanese gig.
Yeah, well, you're getting smart.
You know which way the wind is blowing.
Very smart.
You're trying.
You need to start leaning into that hardcore.
Start wearing sandals on stage.
Get a little bit of that.
Yeah.
Hey, you know, I am in the interracial.
And you're in an interracial relationship.
Yeah, my girlfriend's black.
Gotta lean into that too.
Jack, box, jack, Lebanese, jack.
Suck a couple dicks and I'll be good.
You might have to.
Yeah.
Listen, you gotta work.
You gotta do what you gotta do.
What is a Lebanese comedy gig?
This girl, Natalie, hit me up.
She's Lebanese.
Apparently, Dave Mirage was gonna get the gig.
And then he's out of town.
So they booked me.
And I'm, it's for, it's called LIFE.
And it's like Lebanese Investment Financial, I don't know, E, something.
But it's like, LIFE is the acronym.
But it's old, like 50-year-old, rich Lebanese dudes that like have an
investment firm.
And I'm gonna be doing like a half hour for them.
And you don't really have a ton of bits about being Lebanese.
Literally zero.
So you're gonna have to maybe go off the top of your head.
Yeah.
And I don't even know anything about Lebanon or being Lebanese.
I mean, I'm gonna eat.
No, you're from Buffalo, which is worse, probably.
And they're not gonna, and rich Lebanese guys in the city are not gonna give a
fuck about
Buffalo.
Well, it's when I get booked to do gay gigs, I don't really have a ton of
material about
being gay.
So sometimes the gay audiences are mad.
Yeah.
Because they just want to hear about themselves for a half hour.
Do you, do you do a lot of gay gigs?
No.
But every now and then I will get booked.
My friend at work is gay.
And I was like, oh, I opened for this guy.
He's my buddy.
He's like a gay comedy.
He's like doing really well.
And he's like, what's his name?
And I was like, Tim Dillon.
And he's like, oh, like, does he have any jokes about like gay lifestyle?
And I told him the joke about like jumping off the George Washington Bridge.
And he just like looked at me for a couple of seconds.
And he goes, that's dark.
I like Chris D'Elia.
Yeah.
Well, good.
Good.
I like Chris D'Elia too.
You know, my comedy is not for everybody, especially waiters.
You know, how about, how about getting a job?
What's, what's your friend do?
How old is he?
He's like 26.
And what, what is he doing at, uh, working at, uh, the restaurant with you?
Waits tables and gets hammered.
And what, what is the ultimate goal for his life?
I think that's pretty much it.
Yeah.
Good.
I don't want him.
I don't want that.
I'm trying to get, I want fucking climbers.
I want a Gary V type audience of sociopaths that are trying to pull themselves
up.
No, I will say this.
Um, I will say this folks, the Milo Yiannopoulos thing.
And I don't want to spend a lot of time on this because it's kind of, we get it.
And I think nobody cares.
It's not in the comedy community in New York city, but to just rehash it, you
know, Milo's
publicist reached, reached out to Legion of Skanks.
One of the reasons probably is because they bill themselves as the most
offensive podcast
on earth.
Okay.
So you would say, uh, if there was a podcast, it was going to host Milo Yiannopoulos.
It would be, it wouldn't be like, uh, you know, Hoda Kotb show on Sirius.
It would be Legion of Skanks.
So, um, they announced, they put a flyer out.
Legion of Skanks is going to be the creek in a cave in Long Island city.
Milo Yiannopoulos is going to be the guest Monday night.
They're always there Monday night.
And then there was the reaction, the, you know, stereotypical reaction of
people that
are concerned about safe spaces and, uh, people feeling safe.
They then said they were going to show up to the creek in combat boots and
start chucking
milkshakes at people and physically attacking them.
Those are the people that were interested in the safety.
They wanted everyone to feel safe.
So they wanted to show up and start a violent riot just to make sure that
everybody felt safe.
Um, how many people do you think that was total that were like, I don't know,
50, a hundred
people, maybe like all New York comics.
Well, a lot of them are New York comics, but then you have groups like, uh, Antifa,
which
is the anti-fascists, uh, you know, who show up to places with, uh, masks on
and hit people
with bike locks again to promote safety.
They want a safe world.
So when, uh, Ben Shapiro shows up at Berkeley, they have a riot.
And when Milo Yiannopoulos showed up at Berkeley, they were like shooting firecrackers
into the
auditorium again, because they want a safe world.
This is how they want it.
And I guess, and then there was a lot of New York city comics.
I use the word comic loosely because here's the thing.
I've been in the room when a lot of these people are on stage, not anymore
because they don't
get booked anywhere.
But in the beginning I saw a lot of these guys and women go on a stage and
fight like hell
against what the, like the verdict was that you should be nowhere near a
microphone ever.
Like you should be as far away from a stage as you argue that Milo now should
be like that
should have been the response to half of these people getting booked should be
violent uprisings.
That's what it should be.
Shouldn't only be Milo.
Half of these people, you see their actor, like, oh, the response to you
getting booked
at the creek should be stomping boots and hurling milkshakes.
These people had careers that didn't work out in comedy.
Some of these people have very lucrative careers in, in, in things like writing.
Some of them are researchers for shows.
Some of them are in the sketch world.
But I do, I do think it kind of drew a line between standups and, and everybody
else like
working standup comics, like people that make a living talking in front of a
crowd.
That's how they earn their living.
Because those people, if you're a real comic and you're up every night and you're,
you're
training in these environments and a lot of them are hostile and you're dealing
with
hecklers and you're learning how to shut people down.
You're learning how to get your jokes out there.
You can't be afraid of words.
If you're a comedian, a real comedian, you cannot be afraid of speech and words.
That's your whole fucking job.
Yeah.
So if you're like working at it, you don't have the time to like start an
online mob.
No.
Like you don't have the time to do that.
You shouldn't.
You shouldn't.
But I think even on a basic level, your business is words.
Yeah.
How do you get behind a movement to silence someone?
I don't care how offensive they are.
If you cannot shut that person down with your own words, your own arguments, if
you can't
invalidate their opinions, that's a whole thing.
Because the argument, and then we're going to, we'll get off this.
But the argument that these people make all the time, and I try to find,
because there's
people that I respect comedically that I disagree with, and then there's a
whole host of people
who I don't respect comedically because there's nothing to respect.
It just, there's nothing there.
I don't know what, you know, they're delivering food.
They're walking dogs.
And again, I'm not, I'm not knocking those jobs.
But these people have not proven, and they don't believe, by the way, that it
matters.
Like, they think that they're as good as I am, or they think they're as good as
Louie is,
or Kevin Hart.
They don't believe in talent.
They don't believe in hard work.
They think that the only reason that I'm in a better position than them, or
that other
comedians are in better positions than them, is because we've found a way to
exploit some
loophole, or we have opinions that put us comfortably in the mainstream.
But what it really is, is that we're able to make people laugh consistently.
That's why you get work.
That's why you get booked, is because people will pay to see you do comedy.
If you are not getting booked, here's what it means.
Two things.
Number one, people will not pay to see you do comedy.
And number two, nobody believes that people will pay to see you do comedy,
either now or
in the future.
That's what it means.
That's what it means, guy.
It doesn't mean that you're too edgy and radical, and you're too much of a
truth teller.
It's not what it means.
It's a simple business equation.
It means that people do not think that people will spend money to hear your
thoughts.
Why?
Theme of the show.
New shirt coming.
Why?
Because your thoughts have no value.
I want you to say it before you go to bed.
My thoughts have no value.
How freeing is that?
How nice is that to finally accept that what comes out of your mouth is immaterial?
It doesn't matter.
No one cares.
No one wants it.
Who ordered this?
Nobody.
It's 