Name: Episode 152 - Feral
Uploaded: 2019-06-16T09:13:57.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 152 - Feral' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Episode 152 - Feral' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-16. Transcript available.

Episode 152 - Feral

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Welcome to Tim Dillon's Going to Hell, everybody.
It's a nighttime podcast right here in Los Angeles, California.
Devin Kost is back.
It's great to be back.
How long were you gone?
Oh, like a week and a half, I think.
Road trip?
Road trip.
Moving my girlfriend out to L.A. from Dallas.
Driving back with her car that broke down.
What kind of car?
It's a Mazda CX-7 2008.
Her aunt, like, gave it to her.
It was her daughter's car.
Yeah.
So we got some work done on it.
Like, just take it in.
Like, is it okay for a road trip?
Sure.
They charge us like $400 through a radiator flush, all sorts of shit.
That's a lot, you know, $400.
Yeah.
That's a lot.
It's fine.
They say it's fine.
Within half a mile of driving it back to her place, the engine starts smoking.
We have to pull it over.
We get a tow truck driver to come out from Allstate.
They only, you know, have tow truck drivers from, like, Saudi Arabia that speak
in grunts.
Like, nobody knows what's going on.
Yeah.
We have him take it back to the same mechanic.
But even though I'm like, I don't know, I feel like they fucked us since they
just worked on it and it broke.
We get back to the next morning, tires flat.
The tow truck driver just popped one of the tires just because he didn't care
about, you know, tying it up right onto the fucking tow truck.
It was just an endless thing.
Then they charge us $800 for an air conditioning compressor and then we're,
like, having...
When you're on the side of the road and you're fucked, you're treated worse
than a pedophile who's, like, caught in a schoolyard.
It really, you were treated like you are...
When you were on the side of the road, you were at your most vulnerable and
helpless when you were in this...
Long Island, mafia-owned, tow truck companies own the parkways.
Right.
So AAA will tell you, they're like, we don't...
We'll reimburse you, but we don't even go on the Northern State.
I don't want to deal with it.
Yeah, they're like, we don't even do that.
So you called Johnny and Vinny's removal.
Yeah.
Johnny's towing and they'll hook you up.
Yeah.
And then some guy pulls up.
He's like, how you doing?
My friend lent me his car once.
A lot of people lend me their cars, their homes, things like that.
And I expect the things you lend me to be in good condition.
Mm-hmm.
That's the reality.
Yeah.
You're lending me your car.
This fucker lends it to me and the thing breaks down and I call him up and I
scream at him.
I go in.
Now, when this happens to you, do you look at the girlfriend?
Do you start going wild?
I just...
I mean, well, no, because she would freak out.
Right.
So if I started complaining too much, being myself, if I'm alone, oh my God, it's
fucking...
Yeah.
It's over.
I'm just screaming at the tow truck driver.
I'm screaming at the mechanics.
Yeah.
I'm going to pretend that they fucked with it and I know you're up to something
and shit like that.
But with her around, I have to be like diplomatic a little bit.
I have to pretend I know anything about cars.
Yeah.
I just, oh, a radiator.
I just, I don't know what I'm doing.
I try to get in with the tow truck people and I go, let's, I'll get in on a
scam.
I'll break more of the car.
Just cut me in.
Tell me what I need to do.
Once it gets to that level, you're, it's like you're in debt to the car La Cosa
Nostra.
Like you're, it's like the mafia, they have you by the balls.
You need to get around.
Yeah.
And they control you having transportation.
I don't want to buy a car here.
I've been in LA about a week and I'm Ubering and Uber costs money if you're
going all over
the place.
And I spent $80 the other night on Uber to perform at a coffee house.
Okay.
80.
I spent $30 to go to Santa Monica.
Welcome to LA.
And then I made 10.
I got Venmo $10, which is worse than nothing.
It is worse than making.
You'd rather get nothing.
You'd rather get nothing.
You get Venmo'd me 10.
Then my friend guilted me.
She goes, you said you would do our show too.
So I said, okay.
And then I got in a 30 minute, $45 Uber all the way to the East side, wherever
the fuck
they took performance of coffee house.
I'm going to go bankrupt doing comedy here.
Like I'm going to, I'm spending more money.
Right.
Getting to the place than you're getting from the comedy.
And it's bad.
Yeah.
You're also, your self-esteem is just, I got, and here's the problem.
You got to watch out for who books you here because there's certain, listen,
and I don't want to offend anyone here, but here's the reality of what is going
on.
Do you know, have you seen like a horror movie or the, like the walking dead or
bird box or
any of these zombie movies, these post-apocalyptic movies where like everybody
gets a disease.
Right.
And there's always a scene in the movie where a guy should, you know, like
eight people
that haven't been turned into zombies or hold up somewhere.
Yeah.
And then somebody comes into the thing and they're trying to figure out like,
is this
person feral?
Right.
Have they been bit?
You can't say.
So this is the thing.
When you get booked on a show, you start going.
So I look at this one comic, she books me, she goes, Hey, I'm a fan.
I got two shows for you.
Yes.
Yeah.
So I said, okay, really cool.
Then I look at her Facebook and I see her Facebook profile has every club she's
ever
worked at.
Like comedian at comedy store, comedian at improv, comedian at flat birds,
comedian at this, comedian
at ha ha, comedian at.
So immediately, as soon as I see that, I go, she's been bit.
She's feral.
She's feral.
She's feral, which means she's mentally ill.
She's no longer with us.
She's no longer healthy.
She's no longer fighting the good fight.
She's been bit.
She's, she has the disease.
She has the disease.
She's got the itch.
Bad.
Real bad.
So I'm a little skeptical of the show, but I figure it's probably just a
regular shitty
show that this zombie.
15 people.
Yeah.
That this zombie has booked me on because that's what comedians who don't
succeed become
zombies because they're, they're running on an operating system that isn't
human.
Right.
And it's not human anymore.
Right.
You're not having human feelings and interactions.
You're just, you're out there.
And the fucking, so I, I show up to this lounge in the studio city at seven
fucking PM.
It's the day it's the day and it's a lounge.
Okay.
I go in and there's a, there's a bouncer there and he goes, Hey man, he puts
his hand
up like, Whoa, like where, where do you think you're going?
Yeah.
Like who the fuck are you immediately?
I know it's a problem.
He goes, are you audience or are you on the show?
And I'm like, I'm on the show.
And he goes, all right, what's your name?
He goes, write it down.
So I write it down.
And then I swear to God, he goes legibly.
So I write it down again.
Are you?
Yeah.
More legibly.
And he goes, did you get a chance to share the flyer?
The guy at the door said this to me, the flyer where my name is spelt wrong and
the flyer
that is also advertising seven weeks of upcoming shows with other headlines.
Okay.
That flyer, he would have liked me to promote their entire operation.
And I said, yeah, I think I retweeted it.
He thought for a minute, he thought for a minute.
And then that was apparently okay.
And he goes like this.
He goes, okay.
So I made it past him.
So I go in, I go into this fucking dungeon.
Pear.
I look around.
Well, we can't do that now because we have the video.
Right, right.
So everyone knows.
But I don't smoke.
And I will say this.
We are sponsored by Marlboro Lights.
Marlboro Lights, they're not just for Asians, but Asians love them.
And I think that's a smart ad campaign now.
It is.
They should do that.
I walk in this lounge and I look around at everybody that's there and it's
clearly people
that are not, they're not audience.
They're all comedians and they're all unwell.
You can see them.
It's just people that are just starting.
You're right.
They think this is their moment.
Right, right.
It's not a cool mic.
It ain't hitting.
You can tell these aren't the kids who think these people are.
And then I look at the woman who booked me and I can just tell.
I look, I take a quick look at her and she's thrilled.
She's smiling.
Can't believe you showed up.
Well, she's, she's feral.
She's been bit.
So she's thrilled.
She's happy and she's smiling.
And I say, oh, she's a zombie.
She's a zombie.
So now I got to talk to this feral zombie.
zombie who was bitten by the bug of delusion and everything else.
So I say to her, I go, hi, is this an open mic?
Like, just let's.
Jesus.
Jesus.
She goes, no, it's a book show.
She goes, but it's all comics in the audience.
And I'm like, well, that's a, that's a mic.
But I don't say that to her.
You can't.
Because she's been bit.
So I don't want her to bite me.
I don't want whatever's infected her to infect me.
That's why you can't spend time with losers.
People think I'm being mean when I say that.
No, it, it, you catch it.
Right.
You catch loser from these people.
Yeah.
So then I see a girl that I love, who's a brilliant comic, who's sitting at the
bar, who's really
good, who's had a rough go of it.
Right.
And I walk up to her.
I approach her carefully because I don't know if she's been bit either, but it
don't look
good.
Doesn't look good.
Doesn't look good.
Right.
She looks fine from the outside.
You can't see the scales yet.
You can't see the bulging veins and the bluish skin.
You can't see the vacant look in her eyes and you can't see the blood dripping
from her
mouth because she's just had a fresh gill.
So, so I see her sitting at the bar and I'm like, well, she's, she's okay.
Right.
I mean, I knew her.
She looks how she used to look when I knew her.
Right.
I walk over to her and I go, Hey, how are you?
And I say, is this an open mic?
And I swear to Christ, she put her hand on my shoulder and she looked at me.
She goes, honey, we're in hell.
And then she goes, you want to see the dresses I bought?
And she opens a bag and starts pulling out dresses, which were disgusting.
And I mean, I'm a, I'm not a fashionista, but they were like shit brown.
Uh-huh.
They were not good.
Yeah.
This was not a rodeo spree.
She was on, these were probably dresses of people who she bit.
And she's drinking a milk glass of scotch and she then, and, and then as she
showed me the
dresses, I just back away slowly.
Right.
I back away slowly.
Yeah.
Like if I had a gun, I would have the gun on everybody as I back away.
Like now I'm making, I'm looking at everyone not making eye contact and I
finally get in
an Uber and I get the fuck out of there.
And then this con to booked me messages me on Instagram.
She's like, uh, what about that other show I had you booked on?
I'm like, well, what's the deal with that one?
She booked two different shows.
Yeah.
Cause I still, she's like, oh, don't worry.
I already booked it.
And then I wanted to go off on her, tell her what she was about.
Right.
Tell her, but then I said, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no,
no.
Block her.
Yeah.
Just block her.
Yeah.
You have to.
Get her out.
Yeah.
Get her.
Don't send her a message and she's going to then publicize.
These people are like, they're like mediums that talk to ghosts, except the
ghosts are
their shows and their career in comedy.
People don't even be, cannot even begin to understand the human tragedy that is
comedy.
It's unbelievable.
Most of the shows here, they're like pranks.
You show up and it's like, is this, is this jackass?
Like what is, are there cameras around?
Why'd you do this to me?
I don't care where you work.
I don't care if you work in a cancer ward of sick children.
There is nothing sadder than what this is.
I don't care if every day you have to walk into a room and tell a bunch of
parents, it's
his last morning.
Go on in there and kiss him.
That is much more uplifting.
Yeah.
Than dealing with the feral zombies that walk the earth in hell.
It's like, we just saw this great play, the ferryman in New York city.
And man, I wish I had that 