Name: 154 - The 3 AM Episode
Uploaded: 2019-06-30T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '154 - The 3 AM Episode' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-30. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '154 - The 3 AM Episode' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-06-30. Transcript available.

154 - The 3 AM Episode

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
It's 3 a.m. We're in California.
We were sitting upstairs at Ben's house and we're talking.
We were talking about drugs and we were saying, I was saying we should go
record some of this
because it's gold, whether it is or not.
We were just talking about, you know, because I did some drugs.
I know some of you don't believe that people get angry.
Some people send me comments on Reddit or whatever, a screenshot.
He made up that he did drugs to make himself seem dark.
It's like, hey, number one, it wasn't all that dark.
It had dark elements, but it was a lot of fun.
I'm not Hemingway.
And also, doing drugs or doing a line of blow at 13 is not an uncommon thing.
I mean, it's not, you know, the typical behavior of a 13-year-old, but it's
also not, like, an unheard of thing.
People are, like, having kids at 14, people having children at 14 years old.
You think it's so unbelievable, and you think that's what I invented, by the
way, you know?
Like, I invented the fact that I did blow at 13 to just give myself some depth,
because fucking every, because there's nothing else.
There's nothing else in my life that could have made me interesting, by the way.
I had to say, oh, and by the way, at 13, I did a bump of coke in my friend's
backyard, so, you know, I get it.
Whatever everyone else is going through out there, I get it, you know?
Like, I never talk about addiction.
I never really talk about recovery.
Who cares?
And I don't, because I know when I inevitably relapse, and I'm on this podcast
barely able to speak,
it's going to be real, real.
Try not to laugh at the mic, Ben.
People hate your laugh.
I had a second complaint about it.
We have now two complaints.
I saw three positive comments about my laugh.
Tens of thousands of people listen to this show, two to three of them want to
kill you because of your laugh.
That's where they're at in their life.
They want to murder you, because the sound of joy leaving your body just
fucking rubs them the wrong way.
But, like, it's just funny to me that, like, that's the thing.
Say I'm not gay.
Say I'm pretending to be gay.
It's much funnier and a better argument than, like, oh, he's pretending to do
drugs.
Look at me.
I clearly did drugs at some point in my life.
Listen to my voice.
What do you think was going on?
I wish I didn't.
I don't.
It's not like a mark of pride.
That's what these idiots don't realize.
They think it's like, I think it was cool.
No, I think it was cool to be a brilliant athlete and get a scholarship and do
good things.
Like, that would have been cool.
What I did was, like, fine.
Fine.
It was a fine way to live.
It was not uncommon.
Being a drug addict, foreclosing on a house in Long Island, this does not make
me special at all.
Maybe in your town.
Maybe where you grew up, this makes you.
Maybe you think it's, like, a big deal.
Nobody would even understand in Long Island what you meant if you were like,
yeah, that guy, like, made up that he was a cokehead when he was a teenager and
then bought a hat.
Like, everyone would be like, what?
Yeah, he wanted to seem different.
So, he made up that he was a cokehead and he went bankrupt.
Everyone would be like, different?
What?
No, if I wanted to be different where I came from, I would have made up a
college that I attended.
That's what I would have done.
You sleuths.
You Reddit sleuths out there.
But I was telling Ben there was a pizzeria in my town that sold coke.
This is how fat and sad my town was.
That a pizzeria got busted for selling cocaine.
Not a bar.
Not a club.
A pizzeria.
And this is true.
It's all in the news.
It's all verifiable.
We can post the articles.
You can look it up.
You know, he's making it up.
He made that thing about a pizzeria selling coke in his town because he wanted
to seem dark.
Yeah, that's what I'm doing.
Brilliant.
And I have so many shows, right?
All this drug stuff I fabricated.
That's why I have all these shows in development now.
The movie about my life's coming out.
It all worked.
It all worked.
It all worked.
It's coming out.
This summer.
It was a.
They used to people used to call this place and order the slang for cocaine was
a white pie.
Which was pretty standard.
Nobody really ordered white pies ever.
I mean, I'm sure that they're a thing.
They are good.
A white pie is just cheese.
And when I grew up, no one ever fucked with that.
You go over to somebody's house.
They had a pizza.
They had maybe pepperoni.
You know, the gourmet pizza thing came in later.
Where you would just, you know, throw anything on a pizza.
You know?
You put shaved black truffles on pizza.
That wasn't my upbringing.
Sadly.
But it was a pizza.
You just pizza.
That was it.
Or cocaine.
That was the other option.
You could get pizza or you could get cocaine.
And people would come in.
And people would just order a white pie.
And Ben asked me.
Ben was like, did they go through the trouble of putting like an eight ball of
coke?
Which is, look at what an eight ball Ben is.
I forget.
Is it two and a half grams?
It may be more than that.
Man, I haven't done an eight ball in a while.
And I mean, in like seven or eight years.
I don't mean a while.
Like, you know, a few days.
I mean, I'm 3.5 grams.
3.5 grams of cocaine.
That would be a white pie, an eight ball.
And Ben was like, did they put it in a pizza box?
I don't know.
But I do know that me and my friend, when we ordered drugs from that pizzeria,
we also wanted a pizza.
Which a lot of other people did it.
I'm not even kidding.
This is not a joke.
I wish it was.
We would order.
We would order.
We also wanted food.
We're like, hold on.
Why don't you stay on the line?
They're like, yeah, we'll be there in a few minutes.
It's like, no, no, no, relax.
You're not going to be here in a few minutes.
You need to make some stuffed shells first.
This isn't a fucking.
Kurt Metzger likes your laugh, too.
Fuck these people.
But we would order weed and we'd get bags of weed on top of a barbecue chicken
pizza.
The best barbecue chicken pizza sucks now.
It just sucks.
People don't understand what it should be.
What a barbecue chicken pizza should be is a regular pizza
pizza with red sauce and cheese.
And you should take chicken cutlets that are breaded
and chop them up in a bowl with open pit barbecue sauce,
which is a lot of people do not like this barbecue sauce because it's very
strong tasting.
It has a metallic taste.
It's a it's a reddish brown color.
If you cook it, it gets even darker like dried blood.
And they serve it with steak tidbits in Long Island.
And if you take it, you don't heat it up.
You don't cook it.
You take the open pit and you toss the breaded cutlets that you've chopped up
in the barbecue sauce
and you just put it on top of the pizza.
And the cutlets are cooked.
They're warm.
It's whatever.
That is the best.
And maybe throw a little cheese on top of that if you want.
But that is the best kind of barbecue chicken pizza.
Just sloppy, disgusting, white trash.
And my friend's mother was lactose intolerant and she had something called lactate.
And we used to drink it.
We used to call it Tade.
He's going to get some Tade.
It's disgusting.
Tasted like like gelatin.
I don't know what it was.
It wasn't milk.
Lactate now is, I think, better tasting.
But it wasn't really in the late 90s.
It was rough.
And we would eat barbecue chicken pizza and lactate.
And I remember his mother walked into the kitchen one day.
This woman was great.
This woman was named Barb.
I'm not going to tell you her last name, but she would go, hello, boys.
Hello, boys.
And she always had Marlboro Red hanging out of her mouth.
Her and her husband was sitting in these lazy boy recliners and they would just
smoke and watch the tube and drink a little sangria or maybe a little wine on a
holiday or a special occasion.
Weekends would be a little sangria to make a batch of sangria.
And she was fucking hilarious when I remember one day she walked into the
kitchen and we were eating barbecue chicken pizza and drinking lactate.
And she just looked at us and she went, hello, boys.
She goes, you know, you boys are disgusting.
We had two chubby kids eating pizza, drinking lactate.
And I don't even think we looked at her.
I think we just kept eating.
I don't even think we looked at her.
He had an older brother who was a cop.
Now it was like an in shape guy who was disgusted by us.
He wouldn't even look at us.
He hated his brother and he hated me.
And he would always say things like his brother had a room in the basement.
And his older brother would be like, what are you two guys doing?
Fucking each other down there.
And we weren't.
It was a fun thing to say.
And like and his mother would always be like, enough of that.
He's like, what are they doing down there?
Fucking each other.
She'd be like language.
And we wouldn't even.
We just keep eating.
You know it's good barbecue chicken pizza.
When you just keep going.
People could say whatever they want about you.
But I'll tell you.
It's funny when I think about like.
That time.
You hear different stories about how like people grow up.
You know, like we have a, you know, now it's like, you know, everybody now is
like.
It's nicer now.
It's a nicer.
It's a nicer world.
I guess.
I mean, I'm sure it is.
People are kinder.
Gentler.
They try to be.
I don't know that that.
I think in some cases that's great.
You know, it ain't funny.
I'll tell you that much because we would get brutalized.
But it was very funny.
When you look back on some of the things people would just say to you.
It was.
She wasn't even mad when she was like, you boys are disgusting.
She was just making an observation.
That was accurate.
And it was just really, really funny.
And you can't.
I had another friend.
Whose mother was like a.
A high.
Priced.
Call girl.
At one time.
And I'm talking like when I'm.
This is when I'm in junior high.
And her mom was a sexual woman.
An older woman.
But a sexual woman.
Like.
She said to me and my friend once.
We were standing in her kitchen.
And I think a girl in our grade had just gotten pregnant.
It was kind of like a big deal.
And.
The mother came up to.
The mother had like three names.
Like.
Different names throughout her life.
But they all ended with an I.
One was Tony.
One was Brandy.
And one was Tawny.
And they all.
They all ended with an I.
And like people knew her as different names throughout her life.
One of my favorite people to this day.
She drove me and her daughter when we were in eighth grade to a head shop to
buy bongs.
And she drove us there hammered.
And she was drinking in the car.
And she was chugging.
I forget.
What is the thing that taste was.
I don't think it was Jaeger.
But she was just chugging.
What's the thing that's like.
Tastes like medicine almost.
Was it Black House.
What's Black House.
I could be totally wrong here.
But.
Black House liquor.
Maybe it was that.
Is it the purple label.
I think it was.
I can't be sure.
Yeah.
I think it might have been.
I don't know what it was.
It was something that her daughter liked.
Tastes like Blackberry.
And she.
She drove us to the head shop.
We're in eighth grade.
Drove us to the head shop to buy a nice bong.
Her daughter got a beautiful glass bong.
And.
And.
And she was drinking Black House.
And she looked at me.
And she looked at her daughter.
And she saw we had all this weed.
And she goes.
We're going to have a good night on earth tonight.
Swear to God.
And this was a great.
She's a great woman.
This was a good woman.
Now this is.
I guess.
You know.
To many people listening.
They would disagree with that.
And they would have maybe an argument.
Sure.
But.
I remember.
After this.
We found out.
This girl got pregnant.
Me and my friend Shay.
We're standing in this woman's kitchen.
And she said.
You know what you do.
You know how you can avoid this.
And we weren't even.
We were doing nothing.
We were eating barbecue chicken pizza.
We're not fucking anyone.
We're not getting handjobs.
Nothing was going on.
No two people