Name: 157 - Cancel Your Family
Uploaded: 2019-07-21T04:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '157 - Cancel Your Family' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-21. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '157 - Cancel Your Family' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-21. Transcript available.

157 - Cancel Your Family

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
We're live. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell.
My name is Tim Dillon. Devin Koss is with us.
What's up, Tim?
New co-host. Very high marks. People like him.
Most of them like you.
Most, yeah. I don't know. You know, it's the same.
Well, you know, you got to earn their respect.
I got to earn the respect.
You got to earn it. Reddit doesn't just give it.
You got to earn it.
I got to earn it.
You got to work for it.
We're here. We're on the beautiful porch.
We're thinking about doing a studio.
Do we do a studio? Do we stay on the porch?
I don't know.
Does the porch make us look like we can't afford a studio?
I think people like the porch.
I know.
I don't know.
It's, you know, everyone else has a studio.
People message me.
They're like, everybody else has a studio.
Why don't you have a studio?
And I can't give them an answer to that.
And I'm like, well, I like being on the porch.
Yeah.
So weigh in, weigh in, weigh in, weigh in, out there studio or porch.
Should we get a studio or should we do a porch?
Should we show up, fight Brendan Schaub and Brian Callen and then take over
their studio?
Cause we will do that physically.
Yeah.
I'm not talking about a battle of wits.
I'm talking about, we go in their studio and fight them.
Okay.
Really?
All right.
Yeah.
Okay.
Yeah.
You're going to send me first to the, see how it goes.
You're going to do a lot of the heavy lifting up front.
Throw me at them.
As the Marines would do, I'm going to tactical, I will fall back.
I'm going to judge your progress and then assess what's going on.
Okay.
I believe this.
I think I would lose a fight.
If me and Brendan Schaub fought, I would lose.
I think so too.
Yeah.
Would you lose?
I think I would as well.
Oh, we'll shoot him.
That's true.
We'll have to kill him with a weapon.
Yeah.
I guess.
Who cares about, you know,
take over their studio.
Theo would be a little bit more of a fair fight, but he might still win
because he's got that swamp.
He's got the Southern.
Yeah.
He'll find a way to get in there.
Wrestling gators.
Yeah.
No, he'll.
Yeah.
We're not going to talk about Jeffrey Epstein for the whole episode.
We, you know, I know that people don't like people, a few people,
a lot of people love it.
By the way, some people love it.
They don't want anything else.
Some people right now are in like hog heaven with this story and they don't
want to talk about anything else.
They're just fucking in.
They're happy.
They're bringing it up at like family barbecues.
They're sitting there.
But I get that it gets a lot, but it's just funny to me.
It's funny to me because a friend of mine said to me recently, he's like,
we got to talk about other stuff.
You got to talk about.
And it's like, you know, you have two presidents, two,
two American presidents that are eerily close to a guy who's running an
international human trafficking ring.
And people are like, but you know what?
You got to talk about other stuff.
You can't spend all your time.
It would be like going to Thanksgiving dinner.
Your brother is being murdered in the kitchen.
Your sister's being raped in the bathroom.
And you're like, I get it.
But can we have dessert?
I want to have pie.
I like pie.
I just, I don't understand.
So then I had to explain to this friend why it's bad that the president might
be
involved with the human trafficking ring.
You have to explain, you do have to explain it to people in this country.
You do have to sit down and go, this is not good.
And here's why you should care that we might be run by some very, very bad
people.
You got to break it down for them because it's not obvious to most people
walking around
why it should affect them.
Yeah.
Why the abuse of children should affect that.
They don't get it.
They're walking around like, I don't understand.
But what does this have to do with it?
Especially in LA, everything's about them.
Like, it's about me.
It's about me and my, I want to just manifest the life that I want.
Right.
Like I was talking to somebody the other day in Manhattan.
I'm like, it's getting bad.
And we're standing in the middle of Manhattan.
They're like, no, I think it's like, it's good, dude.
Things aren't that bad.
I'm like, we're in the middle of the wealthiest city in the country.
We're in the middle of it.
Outside of this city, people are crawling on the street.
They're living in tents.
They're gnawing each other's flesh off.
Yeah.
Just a few miles away.
And people are like, I think it's fine.
I think you got to relax.
But LA, people don't want to talk.
People want to do yoga.
They want to eat avocado toast.
You want to talk about avocados and dating.
Everybody loves dating.
It's a lot of dating podcasts.
Dating's very complex and interesting.
Right.
Because you don't, there's a certain type of woman out there.
She's got a few pounds on.
She lives in a major city.
Maybe she celebrates Hanukkah.
And this type of woman has had a cushy life.
And her only real challenge, maybe other than like dyslexia or something, is
finding a guy to fuck.
She wants a Prince Charming to put his dick in her.
And they're going to have babies.
And her entire life, from when she fucking gets wet for the first time, until
she traps one of these poor losers, is about stalking and finding this guy.
And she needs podcasts about it.
And it's everything.
It's Friday night, they go out.
Saturday night, they go out.
They got to find the guy.
They got to get him.
And then Sunday, they go out and dash.
What was they like?
And then, so there's got to be podcasts that break down every millisecond of
this interaction because it's fascinating.
And that's what really does well.
What really does well is if you can, when do you text?
Do you text?
What do you text?
When do you text?
What do you text?
When you meet the pound, what's it like?
Now, people say to me, oh, fuck you, Tim.
You blow people in hotel rooms.
You get prostitutes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And so you don't understand why dating's important.
You don't give a fuck about your family or their approval.
You don't live a wholesome lot.
Yeah.
Fine.
Okay.
Correct.
Correct.
But still, enough with the dating all the time.
I get that I'm not.
I understand that certain people need it more than I do.
Right.
I understand trying to suck off some financially desperate kid at NYU
and then buy him fucking, you know, a filet of salmon
so I can put my tongue in his ass is not.
I get a lot of people are like, oh, that's we don't.
We're in a different world.
Like we want to have a good life.
Okay.
But enough.
Enough with the you're in your mid thirties
and you can't find someone and you're enough with that.
Opposite.
I did that Wix ad about opposites.
I was like, good is bad now.
People don't realize good is bad.
Like fat is now thin.
And I said that in the Wix ad.
The energy that used to come with being thin
now comes with being fat.
Like when you were thin, people used to be like, yes, bitch.
Now no one will say that if you're thin.
In order to get that reaction, you have to be 300.
You have to be knocking on 300 pounds to get people excited about you.
People are like, yes, bitch.
You go girl.
You go girl used to be a hot chick in a little black dress
walking around in the 80s or 90s.
Now you go girl is a fucking,
they got to look like Thanos.
You know, you got to look like Thanos from the Avengers.
Yeah.
If you're a woman to get a yogurt, fat is thin.
We've transferred all the qualities from thin people to,
that's why I have to lose weight
because I don't want to be part of the fat.
Right.
It's not cool anymore.
Fat pride movement that's happening.
And no, I'm, I'm abusing myself.
They're like, you're perfect.
Like, no, I hate myself and I want to die.
They're like, yes, bitch.
No, no, this is wrong.
And I'm killing myself.
I'm wanting to kill myself.
No, you're just perfect the way you are.
There's no relationship between weight and health.
There is, there is, I can't breathe.
There is a relationship.
I mean, of course there's a relationship.
All these women, you hear them,
these big, big beasts and they sit down,
they can't even breathe.
And they're like, you're not my doctor.
Don't tell me what I should be.
They're like, okay.
I was in Long Island.
First of all, bagel guy is following me on Instagram.
Unbelievable.
What was your reaction when you saw a bagel guy for the first time?
Seems about right.
How tall are you?
I'm 5'10".
You're 5'10".
Yeah.
Now that is the height of most Hollywood actors.
People don't realize this.
Yeah.
Like, short.
Most Hollywood actors are not six feet like I am.
Although I present much taller.
Most people go, you seem like you're more than six feet.
You know, because they have a very domineering physical presence.
But you're 5'10".
Yeah.
Have you ever found that to be a problem getting chicks?
Not really.
No.
Because you have kind of that LA scuzziness that women like.
Yeah, I guess so.
Yeah.
Yeah.
He looks like deformed.
He has like a weirdly shaved body.
It is not a good situation over there in Long Island with bagel guy.
It's not good.
You're doing much better.
You have that skater-ish slime ball.
You know, but LA kind of, you look like you're like 12 still.
Right.
You have a beard.
Yeah.
That's what LA people look like.
They look like 15-year-olds with beards.
Yes.
That's what they look like.
Yeah.
That's what people in LA look like.
Everybody's messaging me.
They're like, you got to have on bagel guy.
And I'm like.
Do you?
Do we?
Bagel guy?
No, they're calling him bagel boss.
Bagel boss.
Okay.
Because he threw a fit.
Now, listen, I got to be honest with you.
I have thrown fits in not that bagel boss, but they own a chain.
I have had issues because there is no pride in the service of others.
When someone comes in and orders something and you're looking at a mongoloid
across on
the other side of the counter who could give a shit less about you.
Yeah.
And you're coming in and all you want, all you want is egg over medium.
Not sunny side up, you dumb bitch.
Not fried to where the yolk is now chalky over medium, which is a perfectly
gelatinous,
where the egg yolk is kind of like semen, where it runs a little bit down the
roll, but not
fully.
It doesn't fall on the floor.
It's viscous, like nice semen.
But bagel boss is, you know, people are like, you got to have this guy on.
And I'm like, do we really have to create the world we're all going to hate?
You know, like the world where in six months, he has a television show and
everyone's like,
how did this happen?
Right.
It's like, well, how did it happen?
Because all you fucks.
But he tapped into something with people.
People.
There's a lot of men that are angry that are not getting pussy.
They're not getting laid.
He's like a red pill guy, it feels like.
Well, I think he represents a lot of angry dudes out there that are unhappy.
And, you know, he kind of came out and he flipped out and he got tackled by a
big guy
at the end.
And this is people are like, comment on it.
Here's the thing about Long Island.
That archetype of guy is a guy that I've seen my whole life.
Of a guy that will start the fight and someone else finishes the fight.
That's a very long.
I think.
What are you talking to?
That's as Long Island as you get.
As Long Island as you get is a guy mid-sentence gets punched.
Right.
And then we'll spend the next week twisting the story so that somehow he's the
victor.
He's like, there were six of them.
It's like, no, you started a fight.
No one did anything to you.
And you got your ass kicked.
But then people will kind of twist and turn it.
But what people don't realize about Long Island is of all the pockets of white
trash
on planet Earth, right?
Of all the collections of human garbage that exist, there is no collection that
is as charmless
and that has less redeeming qualities than the ones that live on Long Island.
They are not like folksy hill people.
They're not charming backwoods hicks.
They can't do anything.
Like you meet some trash maybe where lik