Name: 158 - Leaving Hell
Uploaded: 2019-07-28T04:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '158 - Leaving Hell' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '158 - Leaving Hell' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-07-28. Transcript available.

158 - Leaving Hell

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell, everybody.
This is Tim Dillon.
There will be no video for this episode because I am in New York City.
This is the final episode from New York City.
We are also changing the name of the show from Tim Dillon's Going to Hell to
the Tim Dillon
Show.
We had a little contest for artists to submit sketches of what they thought the
new show
should, you know, what the fucking Apple podcast art should be.
And very quickly, somebody accused me of taking advantage of artists because I
said I would
get them free tickets and I would pay them to like if we use your art to comedy
shows.
I said, listen, if it send the art in, by the way, fully expecting we're using
none of it.
And guess what?
We're using none of it.
And I fully expected that is saying, hey, send the art in because here's the
thing with
the way art works.
A lot of these people are like, look at all the other things I've done.
That doesn't matter.
Your portfolio doesn't matter.
I can still bomb.
If you go to, if you watch my special or you see me do something and you go, oh,
that was
funny.
I liked him.
And then you come see me and I bought, I can still ruin your night by bump.
So if I think your other, your portfolio was great, it doesn't mean that you're
going to
do something that I like.
Well, I mean, that is the only way you can go.
I mean, no, a sketch.
You have to submit a sketch.
Oh yeah.
Yeah.
You got to give me an idea where you're going.
Sure.
So, and then if I was going to use the sketch, right, I will compensate you
monetarily.
Okay.
But if they, if they send anything in and you don't use it, you'll still give
them tickets.
No, no.
What kind of, what it, what it, no, Ocasio-Cortez.
No, people are sending stick figures in of, of me going Epstein did 9-11, which
I liked
that one.
Right.
But there, no, you're not getting free tickets for sending it.
If I choose your art.
Well, here's the thing.
No, there is no thing, but go on.
Well, I'm agreeing with you because you want to start culling your fan base now
because
you know what you want.
Killing them or culling them?
Uh, you know, give or take.
Uh, my point is you want a loyal mercenary fan base.
Yeah.
Uh, you know, you want like a fucking pest army, if you will.
You want something you could get in like, you know, people who will be like in
for the
10 year run.
I want you don't want people like, you know, oh, you're going to get me a
ticket.
Fuck that.
Yeah, they do it just to fucking talk to you.
I want the FBI to know who we are.
Right.
You know what I mean?
What's below?
Like, what are the proud boys?
Are they a terrorist?
Are they considered a terrorist?
I think they knocked them back down.
Whatever below that is.
Yeah.
Just right below that.
Yeah.
You want to be on the board going, who are these guys?
We want to be on a cork board somewhere in Jersey and have some low level FBI
go.
Let's keep tabs on that.
Right.
The YouTube views are growing.
Um, no, but my whole thing was, listen, send in the shit.
If you like it, we'll give you some money.
We'll give you a few hundred bucks, 500 bucks, whatever.
If we use it.
Right.
And then some lunatic guy starts messaging me.
He goes, I've been ripped off by many podcasts.
The Kumi has made thousands of dollars selling my shirts.
I'm like, dude, stop giving them shirts.
If you've been ripped off by even one podcast, it's probably your fault, but
let alone multiple
ones.
So I'm like, dude, I'm not going to take the art.
This art was for the Apple, for the Apple podcast shit, for the thumbnail,
whatever it
is.
It was not to put on shirts and sell and never compensate the artist.
But again, of course we have to, you know, if it's your, if it's your, uh, you
know, your
brand, your little icon.
I mean, that's worth a few, a few bits.
Yeah.
You get a few bucks.
I would, I would absolutely pay for that, but the shirts I'm going to sell will
have quotes.
Oh, right.
That's the things I've said and more so than like the, uh, you know, whatever I
tried to
sell, uh, Ray Kopp is with us, by the way, I didn't introduce glad to be back.
They know who I am.
The new people, uh, you know, the new people we've, we've gone up.
So a lot of people don't know who you are.
Right.
Uh, should I say hello to Mr.
Oh, who are you going to say hello to?
You know, you're in your friend.
Who's my friend?
Mr.
Oh, Rogan.
You want it?
You want it?
You think that's how you're going to get on the show?
I don't.
Well, what am I going to do in the show?
Talk about how I used to fucking.
So you don't want to get on the show.
I mean, I'll come on.
Cause you, you're very hostile for a minute.
You're like, what am I going to do on the show?
No, but you're acting.
You're acting.
What am I going to do?
I'm acknowledging that you're, you're hanging out with a better class of people.
Listen to me.
What am I going to go fly to California, waste my goddamn time sitting on that
fucking show?
This is ridiculous.
If Rogan wants to ask me about how he used to take people's skin and put it on
my hands,
the fingerprint, the morgue, you know, I used to tell you, I had to put their
skin on my
hand.
Like he loved that shit.
Wouldn't it be hilarious if somehow you had the most controversial Rogan, like
it wasn't
Alex Jones, like YouTube throws them off, just gets rid of millions in ad rev
because
of you.
Yeah.
Cause you're describing some crime you committed at the morgue.
It wasn't a crime.
This was, this was a procedure.
Yeah.
This was a method I used.
Yeah.
Look, we were respectful to these bodies.
We didn't fuck these bodies.
Most people, that sounded like something that Robert Mueller would say.
Most people don't know this, but Ray, who did the show for two and a half years
with
me, was a photographer at a Long Island morgue.
Right.
And, and, and then moved into other, uh, activities at your, your job.
The scope of your job was enlarged.
Well, look, I mean, look, that, first of all, that was part of my job.
Taking the photos, the skin thing on the hand.
Cause I also had to take fingerprints.
That was my job.
But yes, sometimes I would, uh, clean the bodies, move the bodies on and off
the
x-ray table one time.
They let me cut open a rib cage with a bolt cutter.
Um, I, this is very, this is too fast.
I would milk the intestines into a cup.
Why would you milk the intestines?
Have you ever milked intestines?
No.
See, I'm not against it.
I'm all for trying new experiences.
I've never left the country.
I didn't go into an airplane until I was 34.
Right.
You know, I didn't milk an intestine with deli.
You did cut open a rib cage with bolt cutters.
Which was not technically what the, in the, you were not hired to do that.
Right.
No, look, I mean, you know, if you're playing, if you're Ron James playing
basketball, he's
a power forward.
He can't get a rebound.
That, I don't know if that is a fitting analogy.
Maybe not.
That is really not the most fitting analogy.
No, I play all positions.
But yeah, no.
And I appreciate that.
I would love, I would love for you to go on Joe's show and then discuss your
career at the morgue, which has ended, um, tragically also the mosquito lab,
but yeah.
And then they moved to the mosquito lab.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Interesting.
But when you talk about the dark side of long Island, right.
Which for us is the really only side.
I mean, there's other sides to other, you know, um, you know, the seafood's
good, but
the rest of it, you've, you've, as somebody that worked at the morgue, you just
saw.
Oh yeah.
The MS-13 body machetes, you know, machetes in the bodies, the drunks, the
heroin ODs.
The guy fucked the devil, the tree branch in the ass.
Right.
Uh, you know, uh, dead baby in the freezer, in the garbage bag on Christmas Eve.
On Christmas Eve.
Yeah.
Dead baby in the freezer, in a garbage bag on Christmas Eve.
He was frozen solid.
We couldn't cut him open until Christmas.
Yeah.
Overnight, let him thaw out.
And you had to cut him open on Christmas.
I didn't do that one.
It's a real Johnny Cash song.
They wouldn't let me, uh, you know, do extra stuff.
You really had the thaw baby out overnight on Christmas?
Yeah.
Really?
I mean, I wasn't there with one of those fucking, you know, heat lamps, but you
know, yeah,
we left him in the, in an area that wasn't refrigerated.
And, uh, yeah, the next day, I mean, I was working Christmas that year.
So what am I going to tell you?
So I'm fucking, we come in and, uh, Christmas day, we fucking had to cut open
the kid.
So this is Christmas.
Wow.
Well, you know, this is why me and Ray initially became friends because I found
these stories
fascinating.
Uh, you know, uh, the comedy industry did not know networks did not like as my
stories.
They did not really, they like the bagel guy.
They love, yeah.
Well, you know, I've seen you do a lot worse than the bagel guy, but I mean, I
thought he
was tame.
I thought that bagel guy was pretty tame.
He didn't threaten anyone's life.
Dude, I was, I told the story last week on this show.
I was in a Taco Bell, a morbidly obese woman with purple hair was screaming at
the cashier
going, I'm a vegan.
I just ate sour cream.
Don't you think that's a fucking problem?
I asked that there was no sour cream in this and I just ate sour cream because
I've been
a vegan for almost a year.
And the lady can barely understand English to cashier and then her kids in the
cage somewhere.
Yeah.
This fat lady with the purple hair looks at me.
She goes, they don't care.
This restaurant doesn't care.
And I said, here's the thing people don't realize about Long Island.
Point the camera any, in any direction you get bagel guy and more.
Well, I've been in situations where like, cause old women will be as abusive as
that guy.
Yeah.
I remember, I don't remember what, you know, 10 years ago.
Probably I was in a post office, I think in Hicksville and his old woman was
berating
the fucking guy behind the counter because he didn't have the, her package and
she was
just being, and she's being awful.
So I took it upon myself.
So shut up, you cunt, you get cancer, get cancer, like I started screaming.
So you have situations where like you have big people out, outdoing each other
in public
spaces.
Like, you know, we're trying to one upbeat, like the bagel guy like should have
had a counterpart,
you know, I mean the guy beat him up.
So I guess that counts, but usually it doesn't get physical.
I wish that had been a fat woman.
Yeah.
Like a fat female bus driver.
Against me?
No, against bagel guy.
Right.
Yeah.
Just went in there and laid him out.
But I was, I was in Long Island today.
I went with Schenlinger.
I go to his beach club.
I go to the beach clubs once a year here to remember the days when I was a king.
Right.
When I was in overweight, chain smoking, pool lifeguard at a beach club in Long
Island.
Eating food.
Like people.
Any of the people that recognize you from your lifeguard days?
Like the older people?
Not really.
No.
You got no.
Because I'm in it.
He's a member of a different beach club.
Oh, okay.
They barely recognized me when I shot my fucking pilot.
The Comedy Central probably won't pick up.
Right.
At the same beach club.
Oh, that was your beach club?
That was my beach club that we shot the pilot.
And they did recognize you?
A few people.
Okay.
But the majority of them are gone.
You know, people move.
The kids get older.
You've also put on a few pounds.
I've put on a few pounds.
Your skin doesn't look quite the same.
No.
I mean, you know, sadly, it doesn't look that different.
Oh, you had bad skin back then?
No.
But I mean, it wasn't great.
Okay.
So we're at the beach club.
And, you know, people that haven't been to a beach club, you pay money.
You get this little cabana.
It's like eight grand for the year.
Right.
And you get access to a pool, which is whatever, and a private beach.
And you can go in the water and whatever.
One of the lifeguards jumped down.
I was like, I'm a fan.
And I was like, thanks a lot, man.
Whatever.
And then I 