Name: 159 - Bomb Disney World
Uploaded: 2019-08-04T04:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '159 - Bomb Disney World' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '159 - Bomb Disney World' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-04. Transcript available.

159 - Bomb Disney World

And now, Tim Dillon is going to hell!
Welcome to Tim Dillon is going to hell, everybody.
Congrats to Booga, who won the Fortnite World Cup.
He is my best friend.
He is 16.
I'm a gamer.
Many of you know this.
I love gaming and the whole gaming community.
And it is an honor to call Booga.
I think that's how you pronounce it.
Booga.
He is a friend.
A confidant.
That's what I do.
I'm 35, and I watch people play video games on Twitch.
That's what I do.
That's how I spend my time on this earth.
And if you tell me that that's not a good use of my time,
if you attack me and say that my time could be better spent doing other things,
I will react like an animal that has been backed into a corner.
I will react like a feral possum in a garbage can if you even suggest to me
kindly that I should do something else.
If you tell me that I should not go to a theme park designed for children,
I am going to lash out in a myriad of ways.
I am going to lose my mind.
I am going to view it as you trying to kill me and my family if you just
suggest that I potentially find something else to do than go to a theme park
designed for really toddlers.
because that's an attack on me because, you know, not everybody's parents had
the wherewithal financially to bring them to Disney World when they were
children.
So for those of you who, those of us who missed out on that,
it's important that we recapture that experience at 38.
We shouldn't just move on and go, you know, everyone is not going to have every
experience in life.
Everyone won't, but they should.
And I think resigning yourself to that idea that maybe you've just missed the
fucking window for Disney World is defeatist attitude.
I think you got to go out no matter what age, because we're all kids inside,
right?
Won't that be Jeffrey Epstein's defense?
We're all kids inside.
And if you suggest for a moment to me,
that I should not try to right every wrong from my childhood.
Now, of course, folks, I'm doing a character.
I don't, I don't believe what I'm saying.
That is, that is part of the comedic effect of what I'm doing.
I am, I am playing a character of someone.
I, I have been to Disney World twice when I was a child,
when I was supposed to enjoy it.
I did not enjoy it as a child.
In fact, and I know that this is really the opposite of what is said.
I worry about the children who do enjoy it.
I worry about the children who like the torture of other human beings,
that they're made to walk around in costumes in 102 degree weather.
I worry about those children that don't see through this.
Even at a young age, there was an article written in the New York Post
about millennials visiting Disney World because some woman on Facebook,
some rant went viral where she was angry that there was a lot of millennials
walking around Disney World, preventing her and her child from getting a pretzel,
you know, or going on the rides or, or whatever.
And, and, and I don't know her.
I'm not necessarily in her camp.
Why?
Number one, why are you getting a pretzel in Disney World?
Is that why you went?
Is that why your fat child went to Disney World?
I'm pretty sure you could have satiated him at a rest stop.
If that was the big issue, if he just needed a carb,
maybe you didn't need to spend all that money to go to the theme park.
But she was angry that her son whose blood sugar levels were rapidly dropping
in the park,
could not, she could not procure a pretzel for her child.
So she lashed out at who she felt was the culprit,
childless millennials who were in the park.
Now, you know, it's a tough thing here because I have friends that really love
Disney World.
Um, and that counts as a mark against them when I think of them.
Nobody's perfect.
I have a lot of marks against me.
When people think of me as a friend,
you know, there's a lot of things that go in my negative column.
What will he bring up?
What will he feel is appropriate to discuss at a barbecue?
You know, you know, what rage-filled diatribe will he go into without anyone
even inviting that kind of energy?
He will just show up and bring it.
Now, I understand that, but to me, Disney World, I went twice.
I went when I was a child.
My parents went, and this is true, to try to save their marriage.
This is a fact.
My parents, my boomer parents, went to Disney World to try to save what was a
failing marriage.
And everybody knew that.
At that point, they were sleeping in separate rooms.
My mother had taken in this girl, Dorothy, who was like my babysitter.
And Dorothy came from a real crack family.
And my mother said, come to our home, which is also relatively unhappy.
But none of us are on crack.
Because my mother was actually like a giving person.
She was a good person.
She helped the girl get into college and everything like that.
And then, of course, as soon as the girl got into college and, you know, did
everything, she left.
She never spoke to us again.
You know, whatever it is what it is.
But we all went down to Disney World.
And me, my father, my mother, and Dorothy, this kind of broad-shouldered, brutish
woman that my mother, not, she was, I'm trying to remember what she looked like.
Some people found her attractive.
She had a masculine energy, the woman.
She did.
Women got to watch out.
A lot of women that are swimmers, their shoulders get very aggressive.
You know?
And you notice that if you watch the Olympics and you see females that are swimmers,
their shoulders are very, you know.
And that was Dorothy's deal.
She was pretty, but, you know, built.
So, my father, my mother, and Dorothy, and myself went to Disney World.
This is maybe 1993, four, I'm seven or eight years old.
We go to Disney World.
We stay in the Grand Floridian, which is, I believe, still the top hotel.
It's still the top hotel.
I, first of all, I will say this about Disney World.
If you're not staying on the property, guys, if you're not even staying on the
property, I mean, what kind of experience?
And everywhere in Disney World takes three and a half hours to get to, even if
you're staying on the property.
You got to take a monorail, a boat, a train.
And my mother and father hated each other with a passion, okay?
So, my mother had insisted that we all take naps in the middle of the day,
which is actually not a bad idea.
You go to Disney World in the morning.
You go to the character breakfast, which my mother and father, I swear to God,
fought so bitterly at the character breakfast.
That none of the characters would come near the table.
They were all orbiting around the table.
None of them wanted to come near the table because my mother and father were
fighting about money.
That's why all marriages fail for the most part is because you have too little
money or you have too much money.
And if you have too much money, you go, why am I fucking you?
What you need in a marriage is just enough money to keep people doing it.
But you need a little bit of fear.
You need a little bit of the idea of, like, can we afford this divorce?
What happens?
What happens on the other side of this?
If everyone is too comfortable, one of my friends is a divorce lawyer in
Beverly Hills.
Too much comfort breeds just people going, you know what?
I don't know.
I don't know anymore.
You don't really excite me.
But just enough money, just enough, keeps people like my parents in a loveless
marriage for 20 years and ruins their children's life.
So that's what you want.
You want just enough money to keep things going.
Divorce is such a big deal and most people don't realize it.
A friend of mine said recently, and he said this, and this is aggressive and,
you know, people are going to get angry.
But when you are a child of divorce, it really extinguishes the hope that you're
really ever going to have a normal, and I don't want to use the word normal,
but a conventional life.
Like, I think the way that he worded it is, you're just kind of like, you're
fucked.
You're damaged.
Now, because everything is so bad now, divorce barely registers as something
that damages people because everything's, like, so bad.
Kids are in cages.
Everybody's on heroin.
Kids are in foster care.
They're being farmed out.
CPS is stealing kids and selling them to senators.
So a divorce is, like, good.
That's, like, the good option.
Oh, oh, your parents just got divorced.
That's, like, great.
That's, like, phenomenal.
But the reality is it's not.
It's really not.
Okay?
Mommy and daddy going, you know what?
We're not into this anymore, and we're barely into you because that's what a
divorce is at the end of the day.
It's them going, we're so not into each other that you are no longer even uniting
us.
For a few years, you actually were the drug.
Because that's also why people get divorced because they don't have kids.
You need to have a child if you're married.
Because otherwise, what are you doing?
It's stupid.
Marriage without children is kind of dumb unless you were, like, trying, if you're
running, like, an empire and your days are full of meetings and whatever it is.
And, you know, going on, you know, retreats and whatever it is that keeps you
and that person really.
But otherwise, it's a child.
And if it's not a child, you're heading towards the end.
It's just a matter of time.
I had a friend recently.
I call everyone a friend on the show.
I have three friends.
But everyone's a friend.
No one's a friend, to be honest with you.
I have, you know, everybody's getting canceled.
We're going to go through that later in the program.
And I want you to start canceling people from your inner circle.
I've recently telling you, cancel your family.
You should have done that already.
Cancel your extended family and your acquaintances.
Now I want you to start canceling your close friends that you've known for a
very long time.
And we'll get into why later.
But the reality is divorce is a thing.
People act like it's not a thing.
People tend to think it, like, doesn't matter.
But it's traumatizing, especially if it goes on for a while.
Like, my parents' divorce went on for two years because neither one of them
could afford to get lawyers.
So they had a mediator.
And a mediator just comes to your house and your parents just argue at a dining
room table over a collection of Beanie Babies or whatever the fuck they had.
These fucking boomers had nothing.
They had a few lamps.
Aunt Gussie's table.
I remember my mother said that.
She goes, well, who's going to get Aunt Gussie's table?
And I'm like, hi, I'm 13 and I'm about to embark on a decade of drug use.
Could one of you maybe check in, perhaps, while we're dividing up a table that
has a market value of, at best, $75?
I'm a living organism that you both have created.
So could potentially maybe you find the time to check in on how I'm doing while
you divide up all the winnings of 20 years of having no college education and
no financial planning, okay?
And believing you could retire by collecting Hess trucks and then putting them
in a room.
And my father, who I love, who came to my show last night in New York, while my
dad being a musician and, you know, his most prized possessions were his
guitars.
This isn't.
They're just boomers.
It's not really specific to them.
Do you know how many fucking people messaged me after that boomer rant?
They were like, fuck, man.
Wow.
These, they're just dealing with the tools.
Imagine you were on acid in a field listening to Jimi Hendrix and then snap,
that's over and you got to get a job.
And Reagan's in office and everybody's like, you got to work now.
And you're like, wait, what?
What about the revolution?
Now you have kids and you got to pack them a school lunch and you can't just
play guitar anymore naked, you know, and slide down a hill.
I get it.
It was jarring.
But divorce is more of a thing that people tend to give it credit for.
I'm friends with divorce.
These kids have to go and testify in a court.
Do you know how much this fucks up children having to testify and get cross-examined
and then bringing in experts and stuff