Name: 160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car
Uploaded: 2019-08-11T04:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-11. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-11. Transcript available.

160 - The Ballad of The Fat Girl With The Clean Car

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, pots, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody.
This is Tim Dillon. We're joined as always, or usually, by the great Devin
Costa.
What's up, Tim?
Thank you for coming to San Diego, where I am having a great weekend here at
American Comedy Company in San Diego.
A city of very attractive, if a little bit retarded people.
They are very attractive, and the shows have been excellent.
People have been coming out, and we're having a lot of fun.
And actually, they're not that stupid.
I mean, they're probably stupid, but not in the club.
They've been getting all the jokes, and, you know, I mean, I'm pumped about
that.
Thank God.
I had a friend, and I was like, you know, some of the people, you know, San
Diego's not the brightest city, you know?
And my friend's like, you know, working out and being healthy, that's a
different kind of intelligence.
And I'm like, I know that, dummy.
What I'm saying is that that doesn't help me if I'm making fucking jokes with
references that people don't understand.
Right.
I'm not saying that fucking following, you know, a rigid keto diet isn't some
evidence of intelligence and reason.
I get that, okay?
I'm with you.
All right?
I'm not taking away all their fucking accomplishments.
I get that discipline requires some level of mental dexterity.
I'm with you.
I'm saying that if I make a joke about something and you stare at me like you're
brain dead, I don't care how good you look, it doesn't really help.
Have you, did you, when you were doing stand-up, did you ever come down here?
Yeah, yeah, a lot.
It's kind of the place to go for stage time in L.A.
And how did you find it?
I didn't like it.
Why did you not like it?
They're, like, what you're saying.
They're kind of dumb people.
You gotta, you gotta, they want crowd work and, like, talk about how drunk
people are and that type of shit.
Kind of a daft crowd.
But there's something nice about the city here because they don't, I haven't
seen any of these pseudo-intellectual pretend artist types.
No, that is nice, yeah.
They don't have any of that.
It's fucking military, athletic people, you know?
They got the life here.
Yeah.
They're not trying to worry about any nonsense.
Yeah.
Some real bar fights here, people beating each other's brains out, just fucking
like animals.
This is the way, and I say it on stage, this is the way to experience the
apocalypse.
Hot, on a beach, fucking.
Yep.
Because New York and places like New York and L.A., they're all going to be
trying to solve the problem, you know?
They're going to die saying, actually, I'm right.
Like, that'll be the last words they say.
Right.
they'll be like no actually and then you know it'll all end but here in san diego
the last
thing you'll hear is like they'll just be coming and yeah people in san diego
look like they
with their tongues out oh yeah like extreme people there's some really
attractive people
very hot i went down to seal cove the other day which is a a beach where they've
where there's a
lot of seals and sea lions and then tourist americans go visit uh the sea lions
to feel
better about their own weight which i think is very nice of san diego to have a
place where americans
can walk out on the beach and go see i'm not that fat look at that 1800 pound
sea lion the sea lions
are of course usually much better looking than the americans because they carry
their weight better
that's just a fact that's a reality there's a lot of fat you know how fat
people are when you're down
on the beach and and next to the 2000 pound sea lion they look fine you know
what i mean they look like
i'm like what animal could i put next to you that would dwarf you and select we
need a hippopotamus
we need a rhinoceros like there's a 2000 pound sea lion these people aren't
scared at all they're
walking up to these things you know smacking them in the face what up bitch you
know he's in on their
backs riding them around i'm kidding they're not doing any of that but
supposedly at night i was talking
to some guy drunk high school girls from la jolla run down to the beach or
college girls or whatever and
they just like cradle the sea lions roll hammer they're like come here baby i
love you and then
every now and then a sea sea lion takes a bite out of their arm yeah all for an
instagram picture yeah
all for a selfie all for a self i like that you said at breakfast you said uh
you said what was it
their first what did you say how did you phrase it uh their their first uh
their first uh their first
what was it i don't know i don't even remember things i say i don't know it was
about the sea
lions and this is why he doesn't talk more you know people people say to me
like why doesn't he
talk more i'm like you know he kind of has alzheimer's he said no it was like
their first lesson
they learned was a sea lion biting them oh right you said it in a very funny
way well god yeah i'm sorry
about that it's okay it's all right it's not me they'll still like me um you
know we're trying to have
you trying to build your fan base here but he said something very funny at
break that is the curse of
some people say something very funny and then if cameras go on or recording
devices go on they
completely do not have it anymore there are people that i've seen kill on shows
and then they'll go
to a festival like jfl or they'll do conan or something and then as soon as it
matters not that
this matters but as soon as like anything matters they're just they're like
they just walk out and they're
like and they just have nothing and then they fail and they and they and they
leave no they don't
leave they stay but they never quite get it um i will say i i i i i had to end
a friendship recently
with somebody who i could see was going insane it's very important to spot
people on their journey
to insanity and then throw them out of your life before they officially arrive
in the insane asylum
and you could see them you could see it happening to a lot of people and there's
a lot of like different
indications they give one of the indications was a friend of mine recently was
telling me that they
needed to sit an assistant but they didn't have a job they had no job they they
spend all day doing
nothing but they need an assistant that's like that's one of those fucking
indications that somebody's
about to lose their fucking mind and they had to go and then they asked about
ben who produces the show
they're like is ben your assistant will ben schedule like furniture deliveries
to your ham like what
furniture who's having furniture delivered you don't have a job you're not
doing it like these people
aren't doing anything and you realize oh they're starting to lose touch with
reality they're like
it's like you know how you dip your toe in the pool they're dipping their toe
into outer space
and they're seeing how it feels without gravity and they like it they're like
it feels nice without gravity
and so in order to do that you need to assemble a group of people around you
that won't question
any of these things and go you do need an assistant you need a team really
really you need a team
and they're like you're right i need a team but unfortunately this person had
to go and it is uh
it is unfortunate i i i i try to surround myself with rich people but a lot of
the problem is
if they're very if they're there's nothing worse than a rich person who hasn't
accepted they're rich
and then tries to be smart this is this is of the archetypes of human being
that absolutely need to be
caught in a riptide you know it is this is one of the archetypes a person who's
guilty about their
amount of privilege that they have money so what they then have tried to do is
become like an artist or
become intelligent and every interaction they have with the world is just this
insufferable need to
feel smart and to be recognized for their intelligence but they also like shoes
like it's that type of
person they're like i'm a genius but i also love sneakers that's a new archetype
of human being by the
way they're like i love revolution and i'm a very you know i'm a i'm a real uh
i'm a thinker and i realize
that society's but i also love sneakers and that i have those two parts of my
personality that are
constantly you know i love jackets and fashion and also you know i'm a genius
you know it's just both of
those things that you get yeah and it's utterly so i had to get have you ever
torched a friendship and
then not regretted that you're not friends with the person but regretted the
way that you did it
yeah yeah we're impulsive like yeah say something real you know like a headshot
and you feel kind
of bad about it but you're probably on your way to not being friends anyway i
felt bad that i said a few
things that i should not have said but i think sometimes in this society
honesty is is people
recognize honesty as an attack especially when it is worded like an attack but
but i do think that
people you know to be an honest person is i hate to say it but it is kind of
revolutionary in in a
city like los angeles where many of the people you're dealing with are mentally
ill they're insane
so for you to say something that's based in reality throws them you know for a
loop and then they're
angry they're mad at you they're mad if you suggest something that's reality
based right if you suggest
a solution that's based in you know any type of reason or you know i mean
people just look at you like
you're a dick they're like that guy sucks you know that guy's a bad person
because he chose to puncture
you know this little bubble of insanity that i've built that i i cannot have
punctured i just have
to but i didn't feel bad because i said a few things that i regret and i think
that's what happens
unfortunately when you let stuff build up you know i think that's what happened
with oj i think it's what
happened with a lot of people that should have addressed those issues earlier
and did it but why is oj the
most well-adjusted person on twitter why is he looks good plays golf seems
happy has pretty decent stuff
to say about the democratic debates has pretty good analysis why is that
because he can't and he did
you know he's had a wild life yeah think about oj's life and think about donald
trump's life right
these guys have had wild lives oj was who was a star running back movie star
maybe murderer got away with murder he was like the toast of la society got
away with murder
ended up going to jail for like stealing what did he do he stole his memorabilia
back from
a guy that was selling his memorabilia now he's out he's in you know the golden
years of his life he's
playing golf he looks good he's you know he's free he's got nothing to hide
anymore he's free he's got
nothing to hide i mean all in all let's be honest is it a bad life let's be
honest look at oj simpson's
life he's experienced everything he's really experienced everything everything
that you the highs the lows
you know he cut off someone's head almost he near he nearly decapitated
somebody that he did not like
that he was angry at many of us when you're angry what do you do you got to
shove it deep down because
you don't want to get fired some cunt walks into fucking starbucks or wherever
you're working starts
being demanding and you want to throw hot coffee in her face you want to scold
her you want to just see
her you know collapse like the witch in the wizard of oz i'm melting i'm
melting but
she's not melting she's burning because you threw coffee on her and she's got
at least second degree
burns on her face and she's screaming and her child is there but her child isn't
crying because the
child is actually also kind of happy that the mother got it the child is kind
of has that quizzical look
on its face like is this justice i'm witnessing is this m