Name: Is Tim Dillon Banned From the Your Mom's House Network?
Uploaded: 2019-08-19T23:33:54.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Tim Dillon Banned From the Your Mom's House Network?' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-19. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Is Tim Dillon Banned From the Your Mom's House Network?' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-19. Transcript available.

i have a lot of respect for the your mom's house network
i think it's a great network i think tom and christina are very funny
dr drew who's also on the network he's very talented at what he does
and i've never listened to his show but i like celebrity rehab and i enjoyed
love line with
adam carola and dr drew they're good people and that's fine i want to preface
this by saying
my first instinct is always to lie and it is always the right instinct for the
most part
lying shows that you've taken a time to think about what's happening and that
you care
about what's happening telling the truth is like not wearing deodorant it's
inconsiderate
and it means that you don't care it means that you don't have any regimen you
haven't thought
about anything you've kind of just rolled out of bed that's why truth when you're
honest with
somebody there's a premium to that it's usually with somebody you really like a
friend somebody
you're fucking it there's a premium to honesty because it's rare honesty is not
something that
happens all the time for good reason people just don't walk around being honest
with each other
the world would be an utter chaos if everybody told everybody what they thought
of each other
it would be an utter cat people have to be kept in the dark they have to be
lied to and manipulated
this is why we have what we have with the epstein and the data okay i'm just
saying how it is i'm not
saying how it should be i'm not moralizing i'm telling you what it is people
keep secrets no
conspiracies aren't real because no one can keep seat you're keeping secrets
right now from your wife
and you're telling me that no one can keep secrets you're keeping secrets of
somebody you sleep next
to secrets get kept for fucking years people have secret families they never
talk about there's good
liars out there you know who says nobody can keep secrets bad liars bad liars
can never believe in
conspiracies because they don't know how to fucking lie they don't know how to
create create and craft
a narrative lies you can't just fuck around with a lie here and there you got
to be constantly lying
all the time you got to create a world and populate it with untruths big lies
require little lies to
sustain them that's a famous quote i don't know who said it that's what needs
to happen
pathological lies lie all the time because they want to be good at it if you're
drunk if you drink and
drive every night statistically you're going to be better at it am i telling
you to do it no i'm telling you
what it is if you drink and drive once a month you're going to be all nervous
same with driving
high same with lying same with fucking same with stand-up comedy you got to do
it a lot okay so my
first instinct in many situations is to spin a yarn a fable a lie an untruth
because i care about the
person on the other end i realize that i've done the wrong thing and rather
than admit it like a crazy
person i lie to cover it up because i realize i was wrong you're lying because
you realize you're wrong
if anyone calls you want to lie say i'm lying to you because i know that i'm
wrong and i love you
being honest with you would be insane am i insane are you insane
honesty is not the best policy no one says that you know who says that school
teachers because they talk
to children all day because they have childlike minds we don't need any advice
that's on a guidance
counselor's wall it's not going to help don't hit me about oh well honestly no
lie even after today
i will still lie i'm only upset at the fact that my lie was not good never lie
quick take a minute take a
breath today big j's girlfriend christine evans who i like but you know we'll
get into that
you know you know these people you know i just you know i enjoy her but and uh
she's in town she grew
up in redondo beach uh and she goes hey i want to show you where i grew up go
to the beach take a
little swim we'll get a seafood in the seafood shack i'm in i like swimming in
the ocean i'm in there
we did we had a beautiful lunch about a half hour lunch about a 45 minute dip
in the pacific ocean
and to do all that round trip in the car about five and a half hours in the car
about five and a half
in the car i could have driven i could have flown to new york city for the
amount of time it took me to
get my fat ass in the pacific for 45 minutes but it was a lovely dip and i i
like that it's just it's
it's a lot traveling around la is a lot she tells me oh well you want to put on
some music so i put
on some music i put on toby key song god lover it's a great song god lover she
was born in the mississippi
mud i don't know the lyrics her daddy didn't want her to be with me and i said
you know who cares it's
catchy it was on shuffle i put it on she's like oh you have the worst day to
music and of all my friends
i'm like toby key she was talking all day about how she wanted to buy all the
houses in manhattan beach
she's like i want to buy these houses i keep telling jay four million is not a
lot of money
we're in entertainment for me bitch toby keith could buy 10 of those houses and
you're running your mouth
i said that to her in the car go toby keith quite 10 of these houses you'll die
in this rental
you don't have to agree with toby key you don't have to think he's good it's a
catchy goddamn song
god lover so we get down there we we have a nice of a nice lunch i do this
instagram story uh where
i'm on the beach and i get we go up to this beautiful peak in redondo we're
looking out at
the ocean it's got a great view and i say hey i write on instagram i say hey
because these are these
are you will see things that are similar to this uh you know six months ago i
was living in the
middle of a busy highway but i started reading uh listening to gary vanyerchuk
and he's the teachings
of gary vanyerchuk and now i really i realized when i heard him that i had to
stop losing and i had to
start winning and now we just broke ground on what will be a 25 million dollar
estate and how did i pay
for it i paid for it with gratitude and then you know hashtag hustle grind it's
a funny post and it
clearly shows that i'm in redondo beach the beautiful and she goes there's a
trump golf course
it's open to the public you want to go check that out i'm like oh yeah i think
it's fun to go see
what kinds of people are still going to trump thanks who don't give a i kind of
like that
you know and it's just a bunch of white dudes and dads and they're all playing
golf and you know me
and her walk in and you know they're not thrilled but she's like it's open to
the public and i i felt
like explaining to her honey not our public see the palos verdes public is
different than our public
our public is public bus it's not open to us okay i guarantee you i'm wearing a
bathing suit
and you're wearing a sarong you bought on the venice boardwalk from somebody
with a heroin needle
hanging out of their chin so that's not the public that they're really
interested in
walking through their doors okay but i didn't
by the way i mean venice it's like you go down there the the the the best
things there are the
bodybuilders with aids muscle beach all the bodybuilders with aids who's like
beaten aids
they all have aids and they've beaten aids they're so built they no longer have
aids or penises like
they don't have their penises have gone away because they've just pumped so
much iron and they've
all beaten aids but i didn't see them today because the outdoor gym was being
remodeled sadly so we go
into the trump course she goes into the bathroom to change her clothes like a
true crackhead
okay she's like where she has some fake question about the restaurant she's
like
what is the restaurant open and then she goes where's the restroom i'm like
they know what you're
in here for they know you just want to go in there deliver a baby and leave it
in the toilet
so just go do that and i'll go take a and then we'll leave okay we don't have
to pretend that we're
here to talk to the event planner about throwing a wedding okay they know you
just want to abandon a baby in
the bathroom
so i'm
do you ever see somebody when you like walk into a nice place and you start
telling a tale about why
you're there and the people like we know what this is just we're letting you do
it just
use the restroom you don't have to when's tea time just use the just go throw
up you're withdrawing right
you're withdrawing and you you need to throw up before you get some suboxone
okay just go do that
don't fucking tell us that you you're here to plan your daughter's wedding
so i i remember i don't remember i get an email from the book of the your mom's
house network email
was 408 i said hey tim i hope you're finding your way here hope you're having
no trouble finding the
place text me well i experienced a range of emotions in the trump bathroom in
pelos verdes
i was like i was supposed to do dr drew today at four
fuck it is now 458 that email was sent to me at 408 i'm in the trump bathroom i
did what i never used
to do i used to call out sick from work all the time but i never did the no
call no show which is
what i did now now here's when you do the no call no show you have to stay off
the grid and you have to
not fire back you need to get your story straight you need to sit on it for a
minute and think
because you've done the no call no show the only way is to go harder into the
lie disappear off the grid
sink deeper into the hole take a minute think about it go what can i do here
you know
go grab an old photo of you in new york throw that on instagram go dark for two
days email the dude
say you had to be in new york who knows all of these things but i panicked i
was panic stricken
i'm so ashamed of this i was panic stricken on the toilet in the trump golf
course open to the public
palos verdes beautiful i was sitting on the toilet i was reading the email on
the turlet and i said
i emailed back immediately i had an emergency i cannot make it by the way it's
a hour
after i was supposed to be there i emailed two seconds later i apologize
i walk out and i call ben and then it hits me i uploaded an instagram story
from the beach
a half hour ago when i should have been doing the show
i have a photo up from the beach which is the opposite of an emergency it is
literally the opposite
of an emergency i am frolicking on the beach and i didn't show up for this show
and then i lied to the
guy and it was such a poorly conceived lie like it was shut and now i'm ashamed
not because i lied
because i didn't put the time and the care into a good lie nothing makes you
feel better than pulling off
a good lie and i didn't do it and i pride myself on being able to do it and i
was just and the thing
that saves me is it's so funny that there's something there there's something
that i was so funny that i
couldn't stop laughing because it's so utterly disrespectful it's so utterly
disrespectful
it's fucking amateur hour it's it's giselle just lane sorry it's just lane
eating in and out reading spy
novels it's choking epstein out in his cell and then like it's all of that on a
very small level
it's it's i'm doing to the booker of that network what our government is doing
to us basically going oh
fuck you and i hope you like it i hope you like it because it is what it is and
here's a photo of me
with my fucking fat ass frolicking on the beach and i had an emergency and i
can't make it and i email
you an hour after i was supposed to be there so i would imagine at this point
i would not be shocked there's a lot of opportunities when you go why didn't i
get that opportunity
there's a lot of opportunity here's the silver lining to this i will not wonder
if i'm never on any of
their shows i won't lie it won't keep me awake at night like i might forget
this and think for a minute
i wonder why and then i'll go oh yeah oh yeah yeah there was that time i no
called no showed for dr drew
after dark and then shot off an amateur hour email from the turlet of the trump
and then right on the
instagram story it's like it's not only like i'm lying to you it's really like
i should it would have
almost be better if i'd emailed them back hey you that would have almost been
better if i went hey how
about you because that's what it is saying you had an emergency and then having
the instagram story of
you at the beach is two words it is you it is that i didn't even take the time
to lie good about this
i just thought i would throw it out there
so if you message me some of you message me you go you should do your mom's
house and i go yeah yeah i'd love to do that show
you're great
you don't have to message that anymore
i'd still like to do it but if i don't do it this one is 100 on me this is my
fault
this is a bad move
fucking thank you christine evans
ruining my fucking life
i'm going to refresh my email let's see if the guy from the booker from your
mom's house has not
gotten back to me i gotta think that's a bad sign now i don't know
ben you're a producer of a podcast and you you you inhabit this world
now how do you how do you think this person feels i'm gonna get a cigarette how
do you think this
person feels about what happened today
you were an hour late you didn't respond for a whole hour they were definitely
checking your
instagram and they saw the post for sure and they thought oh this guy
absolutely this guy you get the matches yeah
yes ben i believe that all to be the case but
as somebody who is it do you do you say
how do you view do you laugh about it do you say tim is a funny guy he's a
funny guy
and he's a wacky guy and do you maybe bring me in to berate me and have drew
berate me for being a
liar is that not nice i bet that would be hilarious but i bet dr drew is
probably a guy that
his time is very valuable so who knows who did you see who they pulled in by
the way did they pull
in somebody or i didn't look i don't think they're recording live because jessa
reed just did one
and hers is going to come out later on i bet drew was pissed i bet he was mad
because he's
sitting there he drove all the way up to what recita it sent in traffic to i
can't control where people
go ben okay i can't control where people go i told you i had a emergency my
mother
got out of her institution and wound up in manhattan beach
now i was shocked when the people of my mother's mental institution called me
go your mother is on
the run again and i said how far did she get out back they said no she's been
sighted in manhattan beach
by the 10th street beach which is beautiful you should go and try to find her
in the water
and then when i got to the 10th street beach i said i think she's at captain
trip's fish market
why don't you go there and if she's not there at least try the blackened salmon
and the lobster roll
and the macaroni salad which were phenomenal and then i got to captain trips
and they go she might
be at the trump golf course so this i'm trying to get her with a big net she's
a big woman
now so it's an emergency god i am so banned
i am so banned they are never having me back they are never having me back i am
done i am so done

Is Tim Dillon Banned From the Your Mom's House Network?

i have a lot of respect for the your mom's house network
i think it's a great network i think tom and christina are very funny
dr drew who's also on the network he's very talented at what he does
and i've never listened to his show but i like celebrity rehab and i enjoyed
love line with
adam carola and dr drew they're good people and that's fine i want to preface
this by saying
my first instinct is always to lie and it is always the right instinct for the
most part
lying shows that you've taken a time to think about what's happening and that
you care
about what's happening telling the truth is like not wearing deodorant it's
inconsiderate
and it means that you don't care it means that you don't have any regimen you
haven't thought
about anything you've kind of just rolled out of bed that's why truth when you're
honest with
somebody there's a premium to that it's usually with somebody you really like a
friend somebody
you're fucking it there's a premium to honesty because it's rare honesty is not
something that
happens all the time for good reason people just don't walk around being honest
with each other
the world would be an utter chaos if everybody told everybody what they thought
of each other
it would be an utter cat people have to be kept in the dark they have to be
lied to and manipulated
this is why we have what we have with the epstein and the data okay i'm just
saying how it is i'm not
saying how it should be i'm not moralizing i'm telling you what it is people
keep secrets no
conspiracies aren't real because no one can keep seat you're keeping secrets
right now from your wife
and you're telling me that no one can keep secrets you're keeping secrets of
somebody you sleep next
to secrets get kept for fucking years people have secret families they never
talk about there's good
liars out there you know who says nobody can keep secrets bad liars bad liars
can never believe in
conspiracies because they don't know how to fucking lie they don't know how to
create create and craft
a narrative lies you can't just fuck around with a lie here and there you got
to be constantly lying
all the time you got to create a world and populate it with untruths big lies
require little lies to
sustain them that's a famous quote i don't know who said it that's what needs
to happen
pathological lies lie all the time because they want to be good at it if you're
drunk if you drink and
drive every night statistically you're going to be better at it am i telling
you to do it no i'm telling you
what it is if you drink and drive once a month you're going to be all nervous
same with driving
high same with lying same with fucking same with stand-up comedy you got to do
it a lot okay so my
first instinct in many situations is to spin a yarn a fable a lie an untruth
because i care about the
person on the other end i realize that i've done the wrong thing and rather
than admit it like a crazy
person i lie to cover it up because i realize i was wrong you're lying because
you realize you're wrong
if anyone calls you want to lie say i'm lying to you because i know that i'm
wrong and i love you
being honest with you would be insane am i insane are you insane
honesty is not the best policy no one says that you know who says that school
teachers because they talk
to children all day because they have childlike minds we don't need any advice
that's on a guidance
counselor's wall it's not going to help don't hit me about oh well honestly no
lie even after today
i will still lie i'm only upset at the fact that my lie was not good never lie
quick take a minute take a
breath today big j's girlfriend christine evans who i like but you know we'll
get into that
you know you know these people you know i just you know i enjoy her but and uh
she's in town she grew
up in redondo beach uh and she goes hey i want to show you where i grew up go
to the beach take a
little swim we'll get a seafood in the seafood shack i'm in i like swimming in
the ocean i'm in there
we did we had a beautiful lunch about a half hour lunch about a 45 minute dip
in the pacific ocean
and to do all that round trip in the car about five and a half hours in the car
about five and a half
in the car i could have driven i could have flown to new york city for the
amount of time it took me to
get my fat ass in the pacific for 45 minutes but it was a lovely dip and i i
like that it's just it's
it's a lot traveling around la is a lot she tells me oh well you want to put on
some music so i put
on some music i put on toby key song god lover it's a great song god lover she
was born in the mississippi
mud i don't know the lyrics her daddy didn't want her to be with me and i said
you know who cares it's
catchy it was on shuffle i put it on she's like oh you have the worst day to
music and of all my friends
i'm like toby key she was talking all day about how she wanted to buy all the
houses in manhattan beach
she's like i want to buy these houses i keep telling jay four million is not a
lot of money
we're in entertainment for me bitch toby keith could buy 10 of those houses and
you're running your mouth
i said that to her in the car go toby keith quite 10 of these houses you'll die
in this rental
you don't have to agree with toby key you don't have to think he's good it's a
catchy goddamn song
god lover so we get down there we we have a nice of a nice lunch i do this
instagram story uh where
i'm on the beach and i get we go up to this beautiful peak in redondo we're
looking out at
the ocean it's got a great view and i say hey i write on instagram i say hey
because these are these
are you will see things that are similar to this uh you know six months ago i
was living in the
middle of a busy highway but i started reading uh listening to gary vanyerchuk
and he's the teachings
of gary vanyerchuk and now i really i realized when i heard him that i had to
stop losing and i had to
start winning and now we just broke ground on what will be a 25 million dollar
estate and how did i pay
for it i paid for it with gratitude and then you know hashtag hustle grind it's
a funny post and it
clearly shows that i'm in redondo beach the beautiful and she goes there's a
trump golf course
it's open to the public you want to go check that out i'm like oh yeah i think
it's fun to go see
what kinds of people are still going to trump thanks who don't give a i kind of
like that
you know and it's just a bunch of white dudes and dads and they're all playing
golf and you know me
and her walk in and you know they're not thrilled but she's like it's open to
the public and i i felt
like explaining to her honey not our public see the palos verdes public is
different than our public
our public is public bus it's not open to us okay i guarantee you i'm wearing a
bathing suit
and you're wearing a sarong you bought on the venice boardwalk from somebody
with a heroin needle
hanging out of their chin so that's not the public that they're really
interested in
walking through their doors okay but i didn't
by the way i mean venice it's like you go down there the the the the best
things there are the
bodybuilders with aids muscle beach all the bodybuilders with aids who's like
beaten aids
they all have aids and they've beaten aids they're so built they no longer have
aids or penises like
they don't have their penises have gone away because they've just pumped so
much iron and they've
all beaten aids but i didn't see them today because the outdoor gym was being
remodeled sadly so we go
into the trump course she goes into the bathroom to change her clothes like a
true crackhead
okay she's like where she has some fake question about the restaurant she's
like
what is the restaurant open and then she goes where's the restroom i'm like
they know what you're
in here for they know you just want to go in there deliver a baby and leave it
in the toilet
so just go do that and i'll go take a and then we'll leave okay we don't have
to pretend that we're
here to talk to the event planner about throwing a wedding okay they know you
just want to abandon a baby in
the bathroom
so i'm
do you ever see somebody when you like walk into a nice place and you start
telling a tale about why
you're there and the people like we know what this is just we're letting you do
it just
use the restroom you don't have to when's tea time just use the just go throw
up you're withdrawing right
you're withdrawing and you you need to throw up before you get some suboxone
okay just go do that
don't fucking tell us that you you're here to plan your daughter's wedding
so i i remember i don't remember i get an email from the book of the your mom's
house network email
was 408 i said hey tim i hope you're finding your way here hope you're having
no trouble finding the
place text me well i experienced a range of emotions in the trump bathroom in
pelos verdes
i was like i was supposed to do dr drew today at four
fuck it is now 458 that email was sent to me at 408 i'm in the trump bathroom i
did what i never used
to do i used to call out sick from work all the time but i never did the no
call no show which is
what i did now now here's when you do the no call no show you have to stay off
the grid and you have to
not fire back you need to get your story straight you need to sit on it for a
minute and think
because you've done the no call no show the only way is to go harder into the
lie disappear off the grid
sink deeper into the hole take a minute think about it go what can i do here
you know
go grab an old photo of you in new york throw that on instagram go dark for two
days email the dude
say you had to be in new york who knows all of these things but i panicked i
was panic stricken
i'm so ashamed of this i was panic stricken on the toilet in the trump golf
course open to the public
palos verdes beautiful i was sitting on the toilet i was reading the email on
the turlet and i said
i emailed back immediately i had an emergency i cannot make it by the way it's
a hour
after i was supposed to be there i emailed two seconds later i apologize
i walk out and i call ben and then it hits me i uploaded an instagram story
from the beach
a half hour ago when i should have been doing the show
i have a photo up from the beach which is the opposite of an emergency it is
literally the opposite
of an emergency i am frolicking on the beach and i didn't show up for this show
and then i lied to the
guy and it was such a poorly conceived lie like it was shut and now i'm ashamed
not because i lied
because i didn't put the time and the care into a good lie nothing makes you
feel better than pulling off
a good lie and i didn't do it and i pride myself on being able to do it and i
was just and the thing
that saves me is it's so funny that there's something there there's something
that i was so funny that i
couldn't stop laughing because it's so utterly disrespectful it's so utterly
disrespectful
it's fucking amateur hour it's it's giselle just lane sorry it's just lane
eating in and out reading spy
novels it's choking epstein out in his cell and then like it's all of that on a
very small level
it's it's i'm doing to the booker of that network what our government is doing
to us basically going oh
fuck you and i hope you like it i hope you like it because it is what it is and
here's a photo of me
with my fucking fat ass frolicking on the beach and i had an emergency and i
can't make it and i email
you an hour after i was supposed to be there so i would imagine at this point
i would not be shocked there's a lot of opportunities when you go why didn't i
get that opportunity
there's a lot of opportunity here's the silver lining to this i will not wonder
if i'm never on any of
their shows i won't lie it won't keep me awake at night like i might forget
this and think for a minute
i wonder why and then i'll go oh yeah oh yeah yeah there was that time i no
called no showed for dr drew
after dark and then shot off an amateur hour email from the turlet of the trump
and then righ