Name: 162 - Assland
Uploaded: 2019-08-25T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '162 - Assland' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-25. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '162 - Assland' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-08-25. Transcript available.

162 -  Assland

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Good evening, everybody.
There is no video for this episode.
I apologize, everybody on YouTube.
Go watch Two Dope Queens if you don't want to listen, if you don't want to
watch.
I apologize.
I got to go to Raleigh, North Carolina tomorrow.
I got to fly out at 10 a.m. at LAX.
I had a set tonight at the Comedy Store.
It was a lot of fun.
There was a woman in the crowd, and I said, hey, and I do a joke about being
sober.
I said, how long have you been sober?
She goes, five months.
I said, why did you get sober?
And she goes, well, I put myself in a wheelchair.
So that brought the mood down considerably, quite a bit.
But I'm an expert at what I do.
I brought it right back up.
We had a hell of a good fucking time.
It was one of the best sets I've had in LA.
Probably the best that I had at the store.
But the result of that is it is now.
What time has it been?
1246 a.m.
It's 1246 a.m.
This is when we do our best work.
Okay.
It's 1246 a.m.
We can't sit on the porch at 1 a.m.
And scream and yell on the porch.
Okay.
Because Ben has neighbors and they think they have jobs, these people, which
counts.
They believe they have jobs.
They probably go somewhere and do something.
Ben's out.
Ben's not in LA.
So these people actually might have jobs.
This is not, you know, we're not in the, we're not in the part of Hollywood
where people are really delusional.
We're out here with real people, real families, you know, losers, pretty much.
People that just, you know, I was trying to talk shit with a friend today and
they didn't hate the right people.
So many people don't even know who to hate.
Especially people that are bitter and resentful, which is many of the people I
know, but they don't even hate the right people.
They don't even know who to hate.
And you got to tell them like, you're wasting your time hating these people.
Hate these people.
I'm not telling you.
Like I was in a meeting today with my agents in LA and I'm sitting there.
And I was complaining to them.
I go, you know, it's kind of depressing for comedy fans, people that enjoy
comedy with the climate right now.
Because we see a lot of stuff out there, whether it's late night TV, whether it's
political talk shows that we don't find funny.
Like if you're a fan of comedy, you don't find it funny.
And they're like, you know, one of my agents was like, well, we could point out
the deficit in the market or we could speak to the deficit in the market.
And he said, OK, yeah, I want to speak to the deficit in the market.
Would any of the accounting departments at the networks like to speak to me?
Would they like to speak to me?
And we could all talk.
Yeah, I'm fully prepared to speak to the deficit in the market, along with
thousands of other funny people who get told to go fuck themselves all the time.
Constantly.
We're all, no, we don't want to just point it out.
We're here to work.
We've showed up to work.
We're here.
We're ready to go.
You know, do you.
Am I telling these people to go fuck off?
No, it's just.
Nobody has any guts.
Nobody has any balls.
And yeah, maybe you're listening to this.
You're like, it doesn't really affect me.
Oh, shut up.
Cares.
It's your entertainment, too.
That sucks out there.
That's milquetoast crap.
That's garbage.
You know, you got to sit through this shit and you don't really.
And you don't.
You turn it off and you come listen to things like this.
You watch it.
And that's good.
I'm happy about that.
The show's grown tremendously.
I'm happy that people are contributing to the Patreon.
We're still making funny videos.
We're pushing the envelope.
We're trying to get people to laugh at fucked up shit.
To bring attention to shit.
You know, we're, you know, we're trying to make satire about things that are
actually happening.
Okay.
I didn't watch SNL.
I don't know if SNL even tried to do Epstein.
I don't know.
So maybe I'm wrong about that.
Maybe they did.
I mean, you know, I don't know.
And I don't want to, I don't want to say that they didn't.
And then have somebody.
You know, but I would imagine that their take was not my take.
I'll guarantee you that.
I'll guarantee you that they didn't do what we did.
But we're trying to satirize the world as it exists.
You know, and it's very tough to do that.
And I was sitting in the room, my agent, he goes.
He goes, can I give you a bad idea?
Can I give you a bad idea?
And I looked at him and I said, I would be shocked and saddened if you didn't.
God, I would be surprised if a few bad ideas did not leave, you know.
And these aren't bad people.
These are good people.
Maybe they listen to this show.
Maybe they don't.
Who the fuck knows?
They probably don't.
They probably Google me five minutes before I walk in.
Who's this?
The fat one again?
Gay, fat.
Oh, bring him in.
Yeah.
But he was on a tour bus.
Right.
Okay.
Bring him in.
Maybe they listen to the show.
They're not bad people.
He runs the gamut over there.
You got like a nerd, like a skeletal nerd.
And then you have like the bro next to him who's an unscripted.
He's like, I'm the unscripted guy, you know, because he's not a fan of reading.
A good looking dude, you know, nice family.
I get it.
Everybody wants to make money, you know.
But it's like, you know, he said to me, so one of them goes, you know, he's
like, can I give you a bad idea?
I'm like, sure.
He's like, what if it's like you doing shit you're not good at?
Like, it's just you.
Like, you find Michael Phelps and then, you know, he's trying to teach you to
swim and you don't.
I mean, come on, you know.
And I'm like, yeah, yeah, whatever.
I'll do that.
Get me money to do that.
I will do.
I don't have any standards anymore.
It's all bad.
The earth is burning.
I don't care.
Yes.
Yes.
I'm in.
What about if it was you and like you're in a tub and we're recreating Whitney
Houston's death?
Yes.
Good.
I will recreate celebrity deaths.
How about that?
We'll do that.
John Belushi, Farley, Whitney Houston.
I will recreate celebrity ODs and suicides.
And that'll be the show.
I don't care anymore.
I can't take any of it seriously anymore.
None of it matters.
It's all bad.
They're like, you got to work with this guy.
He's doing Blake Griffin's new show on.
So what it is, it's going to be, it'll be like Blake Griffin and like, he like,
he goes and does stuff with celebrities.
I got, listen to me.
I will do whatever you want me to do.
I will do whatever you want me to do.
Does Blake Griffin want to throw a basketball at my face till I start bleeding?
Is that what we want to do?
Is that what we want to do?
I'll do it.
Sign me up.
I don't, it does.
I don't have to like it anymore.
I don't have to think it's good.
I don't have to enjoy it.
Whatever you want to, this podcast, I enjoy the things I make on my own.
I enjoy the, whatever jobs you have.
Let me know what the jobs are.
Do you have a, is there a job for a janitor in this building?
Can I push a broom around this building?
Let's start here.
Forget the TV shit.
Forget the pie in the sky shit.
Can I do anything in the building?
Is there maintenance work that needs to be done in the building currently?
Is air conditioning working?
Let's start there.
Maybe let's not, let's not get out and lose our minds here.
Start talking about network deals and just let me know.
You know, like.
Did the new show, Phoebe Robinson, who's a sweet girl.
I know her.
Fine.
Gets a show on Comedy Central.
She's going to do things with celebrity.
Well, folks, what, what happened?
No one wants to see celebrities doing anything.
Did anyone in any focus group answer that question and say,
I want to see Nicki Minaj go to the Olive Garden?
Who are these people?
I mean, maybe they exist.
I guess they exist.
That's why I don't want to live on the planet with them.
But are these real?
Is this a real?
Are we just shoving this down people's throats as per usual?
And people have no idea.
And they just come home from their soul crushing job.
And they take a handful of pills and they just veg out on the couch.
And no one asked them what they want.
Whose idea are all these shows where celebrities do that?
Post Malone and Jimmy Fallon go to the Olive Garden.
Why?
Why are they going to the Olive Garden?
Who are we mocking?
The people that eat there?
The people that wear Jimmy Fallon's like, oh, my God.
Have you ever been here?
It's the Olive Garden.
I'm on so much cocaine.
I don't know where I am.
They've chained me to this desk so I don't bite someone's tit.
You know, I'm just curious out there why this is a genre of television.
Comedians, what are we supposed to be doing?
Humanizing the celebrities?
We're supposed to be showing the fun human side of people.
Well, what is this?
You know, every idea is worse than the idea that came before.
And you just sit in these rooms.
I had a meeting the other day.
And, you know, I go to the Soho House.
And these are nice people that you meet with.
None of these are like, they're not bad people.
I don't know them.
But they're all just trying to work in this hell that we've created.
So it's not like anybody is, like, specifically the problem.
The problem is everything.
And then these guys who have wives and kids or husbands or whatever they have,
they got to all work and earn a living.
And I get it.
Okay?
So none of them are specifically the issue.
I had a meeting in the Soho House.
It's like this private club that has, you know, LA and New York and Miami.
And I think they have it all over the world.
And people pay, like, five grand a year to just go to this, you know, place
that's nice looking.
And all these dilettantes hang out there, which is, like, people that think
they're in the entertainment business.
Some of them are.
Some of them are hanging on.
Some of them want to be.
And, you know, that's what it is.
It's not an elite private club like the Knickerbocker, the Metropolitan in New
York, where they, like, plan presidential assassinations and fun stuff.
It's not that shit.
It's like the Soho House.
It's like Coke in the bathroom.
Oh, movie night.
You know?
It's a social club for coked out, you know, delusional sociopaths running
around LA.
They want to put them in a place.
So I go there and I'm talking to somebody and they go, you know, yeah, you know,
online, it seems like everything's, you know, really bad and falling apart.
But, you know, in the real world, everything's fine.
And I'm like, this is not, you've never been in the real world.
Have you ever taken a vacation to the real world?
You're sitting in a private club.
When you walk through the garage to get in here, every car is a Ferrari, a
Bentley, a Rolls Royce, a Maserati.
These are the richest people on planet Earth.
The wealthiest, most privileged, most frivolous, in many cases.
Human beings, on planet Earth, you walk in, there's all these Vine stars, the
kids I recognize from Chasing Cameron.
That Netflix documentary where all those young kids is like, these good looking
kids just, you know, made fortunes because they put a bunch of chicks in a room
and they just got on stage with water bottles and started throwing water
bottles around.
And they're all fucking millionaires.
And they're just sitting there at Soho House because they're bored.
And I'm begging to get a show on the air.
I'm begging to work.
I'm like, I do characters and I write and I podcast and I do stand up.
And like, I'm the pig, you know?
Like, I'm like, I like to have all these talents.
That's like unattractive.
And then there's just the Vine kids that are sitting there like, yeah, man,
just what are you doing?
Like, it's a vibe, dude.
It's like a vibe, you know?
You know, you don't know what to do anymore.
Everything is where you drive around LA, there's these billboards.
It's like, for your Emmy consideration, the Daily Show.
For your Emmy consider