Name: 164 - Life In The Big City
Uploaded: 2019-09-08T04:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '164 - Life In The Big City' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '164 - Life In The Big City' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-08. Transcript available.

164 - Life In The Big City

Hey, it's Tim Dillon, and if you're not, we are on the porch.
We have a live video for you, but if you want an extra episode every week,
and if you want all the two years of audio archives to the show,
and if you want longer versions of those videos we put out on Twitter and
Instagram,
and if you want to help suggest things that we talk about on the show,
you want to interact with us, patreon.com slash the Tim Dillon Show.
Patreon.com slash the Tim Dillon Show.
This is a great way to support the show and contribute to it.
Thank you.
Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody.
We are here on the porch.
This is, I don't know when this is going to, this is coming out, obviously next
Sunday, this Sunday, whatever.
It is Thursday night.
Meghan McCain had a diatribe about gun buyback program that's being proposed.
She said there's going to be a lot of violence, which is probably correct.
But she said it in typical Meghan McCain fashion, which no matter what she said,
you would want to hate her and you wouldn't be wrong.
Because the thing about Meghan, and I know people that know her, and in real
life, they have confided in me that she is a monster.
She's a real rich chick in every sense of the word.
She's got a job that she did not earn.
Her knowledge base on world issues is non-existent.
On domestic issues, same.
But she pops off.
She's my aunt.
She's my aunt with a national platform.
She's my aunt, but given millions and millions of dollars to spew whatever
rolls off her tongue.
Which it is what it is.
I mean, I know they're not hiring me on The View.
They need a conservative on The View.
I'm cool with all that.
But Meghan McCain, you know, she's a legacy of a guy that conservatives only
liked when he was dead.
They didn't like him when he was alive.
As soon as he said, half of my brain has been eaten, they were like, oh, he's a
hero.
We love him.
But up until then, they didn't give a fuck about him.
So we did a little video today mocking Meghan.
This is, you know, the first video that we did since the original Meghan McCain
video.
And, you know, I went to Lane Bryant.
I got, you know, got the white blazer.
Look good.
31 bucks.
What are you fat bitches complaining about?
I go to Rochester, big and tall.
I spent $150 for a fucking t-shirt.
34 bucks.
You get a beautiful white blazer.
You don't know how good you fucking have it.
There is nothing for plus size men.
You got to wear a suit or a Hawaiian shirt or some stupid, like, Ed Hardy, you
know.
That's the type of fact.
There's two types of fat guy.
Insanely successful.
DJ Khaled or quasi-homeless bum who lives with his brother.
Those are the two types of fat guy that exist in the minds of people that make
clothing.
And I remember, and I've known both of those fat guys.
I knew a lawyer who was like 450.
Tailored suits.
Custom.
When I was selling mortgages, he'd walk in.
He always looked great.
He was a fat whale.
But he was tailored.
Everything fit.
Skinstripe suits.
Three-piece.
Walk in.
The guy looked great.
And I knew my friend's uncle, who was just a fat mess, who would, like, crash
high school parties.
He was, like, 40.
Got in the limo with us once.
We were going to a strip club.
Somebody got, like, a shitty limo.
And he got in the limo with us.
And he was talking all the way to the strip club about how he's going,
I don't see these girls.
See this pussy.
Oh, fuck this pussy.
And I think by the time we got to the strip club, he was asleep.
I think I'm remembering that.
We're literally, he was asleep by the time we got to the strip club.
Just, like.
And people had to wake him up.
They're, like, hey, man.
You want to go in?
Remember all that pussy you were talking about?
You know, you had to wake him up.
He was asleep.
And I remember one of my friends looked at me and went, that's sad.
Sad.
It's tough out there.
That's what I'm trying to, you know, I'm trying to rein it in.
I don't want to be that guy.
He's trying to impress all the young guys and then falls asleep.
That's not a cool guy.
That's not the guy you want to be.
But, you know, those are the two types of fat guys out there.
But fat women, you guys are doing fucking great.
You got Lizzo.
You got popular culture.
You got it all.
You got Lane Bryant.
By the way, how great were the saleswomen in Lane Bryant?
Wonderful.
Wonderful.
I'm trying stuff on.
They're fitting me.
It doesn't matter that I'm clearly a man in a woman's store.
It's 2019.
We're in L.A.
They're like, do you need shoes?
They're with it.
And then I put makeup on my face.
Cheap makeup from Target.
It's made out of acid.
Cheap makeup.
Cheap lip gloss.
Garbage.
I put all this on.
My skin's falling off of my face.
I'm trying to scrub this out of my pores when I'm done making this video.
Hair.
Fake eyelashes.
30,000 views.
On Twitter.
Nothing.
30,000 views.
I'm essentially trans.
For the video.
30,000 fucking views.
Thanks a lot.
Very few blue check marks.
All these people who tweet about how Meghan McCain's the devil every day.
Right.
And then they don't retweet this.
I don't know why.
Maybe it's too vulgar.
You're the fuckers that are always like, take the gloves off.
The gloves are off.
I'm saying she puts guns in her pussy.
And you're not retweeting it.
What else would you like me to do?
And it's funny.
I'm not making political points.
I don't give a shit.
I think it's hilarious that she's defending guns by saying that the AK-47 is
like the most popular.
Like it's the prom king.
I think that's just funny.
Whether you agree with gun control, I don't care what you think or believe.
So don't contact me through any form of social media and tell me, well,
actually, none of it.
Go away.
I've done nine rants about your opinion is superfluous.
It's an afterthought.
Your rationale is an afterthought.
So don't get it.
It's funny.
It was funny to me when she does those things and says those things.
They are funny.
I'm a pro-gun guy to an extent.
But how many massacres would get you to alter your position?
It's a fair question.
How many mass shootings would one a day do it?
Would one a day get you to just look at it again?
Just revise.
I don't know.
Maybe not.
There seems to be hardcore people out there that don't care.
And maybe it won't work.
Maybe banning the assault weapons.
Maybe it won't work.
But how many shootings would make you try?
How many?
What would you need?
What would do it?
We have so many.
As the great Eddie Pepitone said in his special, he's bored by them.
They're boring.
He was right.
Eddie's right.
They don't even matter anymore.
No one cares.
17-month-old shot in the face.
Next.
No one cares.
Because people think that if we give up the weapons,
the government will start to get tyrannical.
Start.
They'll start.
What do you think the government would do if we didn't have the weapons?
Let's think of it.
Let's brainstorm.
Do you think potentially the government might start spying on everybody?
Listening to their phone calls and reading their emails.
Do you think possibly the government might totally suspend habeas corpus
and say that they could decide that you were an enemy combatant
and lock you up in prison and not charge you with a crime
and keep you there indefinitely
and torture you?
Do you think the government would start doing that?
Do you think the government would start taking whistleblowers
and locking them in little boxes and making them go insane
when they've said things like the military is slaughtering civilians
and the NSA is acting without congressional authority
to just wiretap everybody?
Do you think the CIA might start spying on the Senate Intelligence Committee
and destroying tapes of their interrogation?
Which many people and experts have said is tantamount to torture.
Do you think the elites would start engaging in illicit sexual behavior
like pedophilia on private islands?
And that if that ever came to light,
they might potentially murder the person who was about to testify
even though he was in a maximum security prison in New York City.
Do you think they would get us into endless wars without any explanation?
Do you think they would murder journalists?
Do you think they would do all those things if we gave up the guns?
Because we got an arsenal of guns
and everything that I just mentioned
is fucking business as fucking usual.
So what is the fear?
They would just start locking people up right and left and camp?
Maybe they would.
I'm open to that thought process.
I think that's a little too messy for them.
Do you need to lock anyone up in camp?
What is the...
Does the...
People need to go to work, right?
So, you know, people think
or people have it in their head
that we're like this country made up of freedom fighters
who don't take no shit.
We're freedom fighters.
We demand accountability.
And if you take our weapons away,
it's going to get real bad.
Because we're not shooting at squirrels in our backyard.
We're demanding accountability with those weapons.
Are we?
If that was the case,
it would be 10,000 people right now
like you're on Hong Kong.
Where are the street protests
where you have the weapons,
you have the guns,
you have the guns,
you have access to transportation.
The people in Hong Kong,
they don't even have guns.
They're getting taken tasers to the face
to show that they're pissed.
We've had none of that
except a couple of theater kids
fighting a couple of guys
who can't get laid in Portland.
That's the only skirmish we've had.
We got a couple of vigilantes
doing some version of West Side Story in Portland.
And people act like,
well, if they take the guns,
it's going to be trouble.
They're going to start stepping on our necks.
Huh?
I mean,
I could be wrong.
I'm willing to be wrong here.
I'm willing to engage people.
I have friends who are libertarians,
which is a,
which is,
it's a dumb thing to be.
Oh,
private roads,
private,
destroy the government.
We're going to live in anarchy.
We're going to live in chaos.
Those are always people
who've lived with their mother
for too long.
Those are always people
who would last about three minutes
in a street fight
that believe those things.
Get rid of everything.
Chaos and anarchy.
There's a temptation.
When you're on the,
when you're on that side of the spectrum
or you're a radical leftist,
you know your ideas
will never get put into practice.
So it's easy to get very romantic about them.
Doesn't matter.
It's like picturing fucking somebody
who's really hot
and you know damn well
you're never going to do it.
And if you had the chance to do it,
you're going to be nervous.
You can barely get hard.
You're like,
you're coming in five seconds.
It's not what you think it's going to be.
But it doesn't matter
because you're not,
Jessica Alba's not fucking you.
So you don't get to play out that fantasy
and make it into a reality
and realize,
oh,
I should fuck her good,
right?
I should make this fun for her.
Your ideas are ideas.
None of them ever.
I talk to libertarians
who I like as people.
They're like,
yeah,
we should just have private.
That's all happening already.
There are gated communities.
There are private roads.
When that thing in Malibu happened,
there were private firefighters.
Rich people go to,
they go to private.
All of the schools
they go to are private.
All of that shit
is going down already.
How much more private shit
do you want?
There's every fucking five minutes
of California,
you run up against the gate
because people are like,
no,
this is not for you.
Not for you.
This beach isn't for you.
For someone else.
There's a lot of private stuff.
But I don't know
if everyone was walking around
with an AR-15.
Is the country better off?
I don't know.
I used to believe,
but no one really
is interested in freedom.
No one really cares
unless it's about a gun.
I've had people say to m