Name: 165 - Please Come Kill Us
Uploaded: 2019-09-15T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '165 - Please Come Kill Us' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-15. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '165 - Please Come Kill Us' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-15. Transcript available.

165 -  Please Come Kill Us

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody, live from the Tuscany Hotel of St. Giles,
or St. Giles Hotel in New York City.
What the fuck St. Giles means?
I don't know, that's what it says, the Tuscany, a St. Giles Hotel.
Oh, God.
St. Giles.
And I'm here with Raymond Kump.
I secured this hotel for $215 a night on Hotel Tonight, which does not
advertise on the show.
No.
But it's good.
It's a good service.
There's a lot of amenities here.
There's no amenities, but the room is large.
It's a nice spacious room.
It's got a nice brown feel to it.
I...
It's a shit feel.
Yeah.
I mean, when we came in here before when you checked in, we were in here for
like a half
an hour.
Yeah.
We had a spot to go to.
So we...
And that's...
Like she was waiting for us in the closet, this maid.
Yeah.
She's like, I go clean now.
It's like...
You know she was expecting a river of shit in the back.
Yeah.
You fuck him good.
Yes.
What is there?
Shit blood?
What do I have to deal with?
Right.
We checked in and they were like, I need his name.
And Ray's like, I'm not staying over.
I'm not...
We're not doing nothing.
And the lady was like, yeah, whatever you want to say.
I need your name.
You can say whatever you want.
He's not my daddy.
You go up.
You fuck each other.
I don't care what you do.
I need your name.
Yeah.
She's seen worse than us.
Yeah.
Not much.
Not much.
Interesting hotel.
Empty restaurant downstairs.
Nobody's here.
It's a nice...
The steakhouse is nice.
Just empty.
It's got a nice vibe.
I got a nice double espresso.
He's had like five double espressos in the lobby.
Yeah.
You know?
They're getting real nervous.
They're like, this guy's about to drop dead.
I might cut someone in the lobby.
He's doing some serious espresso drinking.
A friend of mine sent their parents to my show.
I did a brunch show at the stand at 4 p.m.
And these are like, you know, high-end people.
Right.
Upper crust.
They make a little dough.
What?
They make a little dough.
They got a couple of shekels.
Yeah.
And they said to me, the father said to me, he goes, hey, listen, I love these
gestures.
One of the things that me and Ray love is the empty gesture.
Right.
And we always fantasize about capitalizing on it immediately and making the
person,
feel just like, because he would send the person into a panic attack.
Right.
They'd go into panic mode.
If you just on a dime were like, yeah, I'll take you up on that.
So he says to me, he goes, listen, if you ever come back to New York, just know
that you
have a place to stay with us because we've got two empty rooms.
And I felt like going, great, I'll cancel my hotel.
I'll get my bed.
I'll see you at the place.
You have a car?
Me and Ray are going there right now.
Now, Ray also needs to stay there.
And listen, minimum six months.
You can't ask him to leave before six months.
You got any bandages?
Yeah.
He needs medical attention.
Bring him into your home.
So me and Ray thought it'd be funny if you showed up at their house just
fighting.
Like drunk, just fucking fisting each other.
You bitch.
Are we staying here or not?
You said we could stay.
I'm just slurring.
As soon as we walk in, you turn around to the family and you go, I don't know
about Tim.
You keep an eye on him.
I think he's trying to steal.
Now, I'll do what I can to watch him, but I need help.
A place like that, do they have little things to steal that are worth money?
I mean, whatever.
You know the rich better than me.
I mean, we'd be looking for a safe.
They have little knickknacks.
Yeah.
Like porcelain knickknacks.
I mean, I don't think they have that.
I've been in there.
I don't think there's any porcelain knickknacks.
What is the custom jewelry?
If you knock over a place like that, besides jewelry, is it silverware worth
money?
I mean, it would depend on the type of people.
Sometimes there's a safe with some petty cash.
Sometimes there's some jewelry.
Right.
I don't think there's a ton of shit in there, particularly, you know, that
particular place.
I love that we're talking about robbing them.
What can we get?
I just love the idea of that.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, you were good.
I'm going to come tonight.
Right.
I'm staying tonight.
Red can stay too, right?
They'd be like, yeah.
I mean, they'd go along with it, right?
They would go along with it.
Yeah.
Which is hilarious.
Why don't we play it?
We should.
All you do is play the long game.
Why don't you ever play the short game?
Play the short game?
You're right.
Get a nice, get us a little fucking smash and grab.
Yeah.
What if as crazy as we are, they got even crazier?
Like, what if we walked in drunk and we're like, you want to fuck?
And they're like, do we?
Clothes started coming off.
Put a strap on.
Then we'd have to fuck them.
Yeah.
I mean, that would be great if they called our bluff.
Like, if they looked at us and they said, you can stay at the house.
But I'll tell you one thing.
We're all fucking.
Like, we're all playing chicken.
And we're like, whoa, we're fucking.
Neither one of us can get hard.
They start spitting on us.
They start spitting on us.
Hitting each other with whips.
A friend of mine told me a crazy Epstein story about a family that was
connected to Epstein.
The day he died, somebody out in the Hamptons, they ran into their kitchen
before the news broke.
And they had, like, this big meeting and kicked everybody out.
Wow.
Yeah.
I'm going to have that friend repeat it.
But I can't say it on the show.
I also forget the name of the family.
And I can't say it on the show.
It was Warren Buffett.
It was Warren Buffett.
I want to play the new national anthem of this.
Of this country.
By the way.
I want to play this national anthem because you're a lover of music, Raymond.
I mean, I make my own music, though.
Now, you're making EDM.
Yeah.
What?
This is an interesting progression.
Right.
Because you worked at a morgue.
Yeah.
And then a mosquito lab.
And now you edit for a media conglomerate.
Don't forget the prison.
You worked at a prison.
Okay.
I figured morgue covered that.
But you're right.
Now, how did you become an EDM DJ?
Well, I've always flirted with synthesizers and making techno music.
And I've come in and out of it.
And I built a synthesizer when I was in high school.
You built?
Sort of.
I mean, it was just like kind of used parts from Radio Shack.
You built a synthesizer.
I had a voltage control to oscillate.
It made noises.
It wasn't a great synth.
It wasn't like, you know, expensive.
You couldn't use it to make good music.
But I was a handy guy.
And I was never very good.
If I showed you my old tracks, they were terrible.
They were unlistenable almost.
But you're really proud of the new music you're making.
I think I made a big leap.
You do not have the...
I told you, some of them were pretty good.
And if you were like a young, skinny, white guy.
Right.
And you had maybe a hot, dark-skinned, black girlfriend.
Sure.
You could do something in the EDM.
And you were young and hip.
Well, I figured we could do a million.
You have always L.A. young boys.
You know, young guys.
Very few of them are from L.A.
All right.
But you know young guys.
You know good-looking young guys.
So you're saying give them the EDM music.
Yeah.
And let you be the puppet master.
Right.
Like, who's the guy we had with the Backstreet Boys?
Luke Perlman.
Luke Perlman.
So you be the Perlman for EDM DJs.
Yeah.
Who do you think is the puppet master for this?
I want to play this.
This is Doja Cat who does this song, Juicy.
Who's a, you know, very talented young woman.
I feel like it's just like, it really is more like, say something you white
motherfucker.
Quit criticize me.
I mean, like they really call in the bluff here.
The people at Juilliard have to be insane, right?
Like, the people studying music have to be mentally ill.
I don't know.
I mean, I tapped out of this shit like years ago.
But I don't know what to make of it.
I mean, you were into Cardi B.
She's fun.
I mean, they can be fun.
You're into Lizzo.
I mean, this does nothing for you.
Well, Lizzo's talented.
She can sing.
Sure.
I mean, what is the other song?
The Doja Cat song?
Juicy.
Is it good?
Good.
All right.
Have you never heard it?
No, I don't.
I don't know.
Juicy.
You've never heard Juicy.
I might have heard Juicy Juicy.
I eat that lunch.
They played at the Taco Bell.
Oh, okay.
It's catchy.
It's better than the other one.
I'll tell you that much.
Well, the other ones are riffing.
Maybe that'll become a great song.
I have no investment in any of that.
Like, what is good and what isn't good.
You know, I just love the idea that there is still a good.
Right.
And that there's still like, I love the idea that people are striving for to be
good at
things in this climate is funny to me.
That makes me laugh.
I feel like most art nowadays is literally just like the, whatever you want to
call it,
the Illuminati, the deep state, whatever you want to call it, just shoving
stuff in
your face, going like, this is a new week.
Like, this is like, it's just an act of submission.
Like, submit to this.
My twink is calling.
Oh, you want to pause this?
No, I'll take it.
Okay.
Hi.
Why'd you say, oh, shit.
I'm, I'm podcasting.
That's all right.
You're anonymous.
Say hello to Ray.
Ray is podcasting.
Hi, how are you?
Not much.
How you doing?
He's chilling.
Guess blonde's garbage.
You got to get the, uh, the heart blogger.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Can I call you after we're done?
All right, buddy.
Thank you.
He's not my twink.
I don't own him.
He's a twink.
Right.
I don't want to start being like that guy.
You rent them.
I don't rent.
Raymond.
Raymond, please.
Flippity, blippity, blop.
Excuse me.
How soon will it be to politicians start answering questions like that?
Yeah.
You know?
What are we going to do?
How are we going to ensure that people have health?
Flippity, blippity, blop.
Flippity, blippity, blop.
I spit on the cock.
I spit, blah, blah, blah.
I mean, I just love the idea that, like, someone has to look at kids with a
straight face and
go, work hard.
Get great.
Master your craft.
I mean, how do you do it?
I mean, what do you say to kids now?
I sit my kids down and go, son, it's a big casino.
Right.
I don't know.
Play.
The air is going to be toxic in 10 years.
You're not going to need to.
They're going to get it.
They'll get it.
Like, the way we look at boomers now, what do you think they're going to think
of us?
What?
Like, our kids or the generation after us.
What did you call them?
When we look at boomers.
Boomer.
What did you say, though?
Oh, they said burners.
Boomers, I said.
Oh, okay.
They said burners, like people that went to Burning Man.
What?
That's the way that we look at people that are burners, going to Burning Man.
That's me.
I just think it's funny.
I'm having fun with it.
You got to have fun.
Right.
Anyone upset about anything now.
You're living in a Terry Gilliam film.
Just enjoy it.
Just enjoy the end.
And maybe it's not the end.
I don't always want to be negative.
It's the next phase.
And people are like, oh, why would you have kids?
What are they going to do when the climate starts changing?
You burn them to death.
Who cares?
You set them on fire.
Let them figure it out.
Our boomer parents didn't care.
They fed us poison and sent us out into the world with no fucking money.
I think it'd be hilarious if we did just keep telling them, like, no, it's a
meritocracy.
Yeah, everything's fine.
Repeat after me.
Flippity, blippity, blop.
Ray.
Yeah.
Have you ever had a business?
I've had business.
I failed business.
I was doing a photography business.
Raycon photography.
The artwork of your life.
Beautiful.
Sweet 16s, bar mitzvahs.
Do you know why I think it failed?
Why is that?
Because you're a talented guy.
Thank you.
But I think that you might have lacked organization.
Yes.
And I wanted 