Name: #167 - Beach Corpse | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-09-29T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#167 - Beach Corpse | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#167 - Beach Corpse | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-09-29. Transcript available.

#167 -  Beach Corpse | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
It is Tim Dillon, the Keto Kid, the greatest athlete in the United States of
America right now.
I have the heart of a lion.
I am in ketosis.
I pissed on a strip.
Ben did as well.
He is not in ketosis.
His body is burning glucose like a fat bitch.
Like a fat yeasty bitch burning glucose.
There is a crazy woman screaming on the other side of the property, but, you
know, not our property, but she's somewhere else.
And we might have to shut her down.
We might have to have her on the show.
We don't know where it's going to go.
But she is screaming.
She is using slurs.
She would not be hired at SNL.
I don't know who she is.
I don't know what she looks like.
If she can use those slurs or not.
If you get my drift.
Is she allowed to say what she's saying?
I don't know.
It's too dark to tell.
And we're separated, thankfully, by a hedge.
So I don't know what's going on.
But I will let you know if there's any interruption in the episode, that's
probably going to be the cause.
I had a epiphany today.
The keto ice creams and the keto bullshit.
It's not the move.
Everybody wants to find the version of what they used to do.
The synthetic heroin, so to speak.
Yeah, I'll just take suboxone, which you need while you detox, I guess.
But, you know, people just stay on methadone.
So these ice creams that don't have sugar in them are filled with sugar alcohols
that fuck your stomach up.
I don't even know how to pronounce.
One of them is sorbitol.
The other one is etheritol or something.
I don't know how to pronounce it.
And these sugar alcohols really fuck you up.
You just start shitting.
I remember I had sorbet, chocolate sorbet at Red Mango when I was a tour guide
on those double-docker buses in New York City.
And it went through me so quickly.
In the middle of showing people the 9-11 memorial, I had to run off the bus and
just violently shit in Starbucks.
I had to run into Starbucks and just start screaming until they took me
seriously.
I had to cut, like, four people in line.
I'm like, I need it!
And then there was just a tour bus full of people hearing.
They were pausing and probably starting to Google a lot of the stuff I had
mentioned.
You know, when I went by the 9-11 memorial, I was...
You couldn't...
You can't just start going straight up crazy.
But you can, like...
You can, like...
I would deliver it very sarcastically.
I'm like, you know...
19 hij...
It came as a total surprise.
Nobody knew.
Nobody had even an inkling.
This crazy bitch is still fucking going, man.
She's still going.
I, uh...
You know, what are you going to do?
Let her do it.
She's...
This is who she...
This is, you know...
This is what it is.
You know?
God love her and...
Whatever she's doing.
What's...
To just explain to people,
you just hear bursts of talking.
Now, she's either on her phone,
but I don't think so.
She's just yelling.
And she's kind of...
She said the N-word multiple times.
Yes.
And I...
I don't know what's going on.
Now, there was a woman
who basically got caught
not too far from here
screaming the N-word
in a CVS parking lot.
And I wonder if it's the same woman.
She was fired from her job
within the hour,
which is clearly...
Deserved.
Go watch the video.
She just goes in hard.
And it's not even like
there's no defense.
It is bad.
You know?
And she was fired from her job
within an hour.
See if you can find out
what that job was.
And all of her neighbors
had had a restraining order
on her already
prior to her
going nuts
and screaming slurs
in a CVS...
CVS...
I'm so fucking Hollywood.
CVS parking lot.
I wonder what...
I looked into this
because I found her
on my Nextdoor page
because she's in the neighborhood.
And now,
explain what Nextdoor is
because Nextdoor is
a great thing
for people to be racist
in their neighborhood.
And I was talking
to Whitney Cummings
about it.
If you go on Nextdoor
in her neighborhood,
which is a nice neighborhood,
people are like,
there's that black guy again.
And she's like,
he's delivering FedEx,
you fucking animal.
Get the fuck off Nextdoor.
What kind of rat website
is this?
What is it?
It's only for snitching.
They say,
hey, just I want
to let everybody know
I saw a Mexican
with a backpack
on the corner of 46th
and, you know,
whatever.
Just let everyone...
And everyone's like,
yeah, he lives there.
That's his home.
What the fuck is...
I mean,
who's running this?
But you got couches off it,
right?
Yeah, I got free couches.
So also people
in the middle
of a racist diatribe
can give away a dresser.
Yes.
If you need it.
They're like,
by the way,
I've noticed
a few too many Mexicans recently.
I do have a beautiful Ottoman
that we no longer need.
So if you want to come
and get it,
just be careful
about the Mexicans
because we don't know.
They're very physically unpredictable.
It could just jump at you
next door.
I love that it combines
racism with charity.
Racism and generosity.
The next door, you know?
People...
Jesus Christ.
People are like,
I've been noticing
some strange going on,
goings on in this neighborhood.
I don't like it.
But I do like to help
young families get a start.
So I do have a kitchen table
if you want to come
and pick it up.
You will have to hear me
talk about the Jews
for a little bit,
but that's a small price
to pay for a sturdy
kitchen table
that served me well
for many years.
You go on the next door.
You realize we're living
paranoid.
People are so
fucking paranoid.
Like, I remember when I was
growing up,
literally, they were like,
everybody's trying to
kidnap and rape me.
Now, that they were right about.
That, we took a while
to realize they were
right about that.
But not us.
Like, they weren't trying
to kidnap and rape us.
It was other kids,
but it was happening.
But there was like
the white van.
Ben, you're probably too young,
but there was like
the white van,
the guy in the white van.
If you are from Long Island
and you can hit me up
on social media.
I had blocked
a few people today
because they tried
to be funny.
They were not funny.
So you got blocked.
You run the risk.
I don't always block.
I rarely block.
But if I look back
at our history
and you've tried
five unfunny jokes
in Messenger to me,
you're gone.
You're gone.
No one has the time.
You got to get better
or stop.
So one guy messages me.
He's like,
hey, the film Grey State,
it's about totalitarian government.
And I know a little bit about it.
The guy who made it,
he got killed
and his family got killed.
Can you get the word out
about that?
To who, dummy?
You get the word out.
To who?
To my listeners?
And what are they going to do?
Get the word out to who?
The feds who probably killed the guy?
What word do you want?
Epstein, the word is out.
The word doesn't matter.
The word doesn't matter, buddy.
What kind of,
are you people daft?
Get, can you help get the word?
The word is out.
It doesn't matter.
It is immaterial.
People know.
Epstein was the biggest news story
in the world
and it just fell off.
The word is out.
Think anyone gives a fuck?
So stop with this shit
where you message me,
get the word out.
Can you get the word out?
You get it out.
This bitch is still yelling.
I cannot believe.
We think she's going to come in here.
I'll put it right on mic.
I'll put it right on mic
and we'll lose it all.
We'll lose it all.
Get the word out.
When you were in Long Island,
when you were a kid,
there was always a guy,
there was a pedophile
in a white van
driving around
trying to kidnap kids.
And this was something
they would have like
an assembly about it,
which means they'd bring
all the parents into the school
and they'd go,
there's a man and a wife
and then they'd send letters
home with you
and you'd give your,
will you shut up?
They'd give,
they'd send letters.
Shut up or come on the show.
They'd send letters home
talking about the guy
in a white van.
And my parents
didn't give a fuck about me.
They were like,
yeah, it's fine.
You'll be fine.
But just paranoia.
And you go on the next door thing
and it's just paranoia.
People think they're being robbed.
People think people are
conspiring to rob
their shitty house.
Your shitty house.
You think people are trying
to knock over your house
to get $18 in petty cash
that you keep
up on the counter
next to a couple
Arby's wrappers.
Calm down.
It's paranoia
in this country
that everyone's trying
to kill you
at every goddamn moment.
You know,
terrorism.
You know,
they talk about
the opioid epidemic
like people are walking around
with syringes
full of heroin
injecting them into people
and turning them
into zombies.
You know,
they talk about it
like they don't talk
about any of the causes,
any of the reasons
it might be happening.
You know,
areas have been
de-industrialized.
There's no job.
They separate it
from all of that.
There's a few books
that go into that.
But for the most part,
it's all,
they're all on the news
like there's opioid epidemic.
We are,
it's just people
running around.
These dope fiends.
These kids
are doing heroin
and people are,
but yeah,
the next door app,
man.
She's still going.
She's still going.
You think,
is there a chance
she's on like a drug?
Hmm.
Probably.
I mean,
it sounds like
she's thrashing around
in the bushes too.
She does sound like
she's thrashing around
in the bushes.
She's trying to get in here.
No,
not in here.
She's up on the hill,
but.
She's up on the hill.
Well,
that's nice,
isn't it?
She could roll down
maybe at some point.
She's on the hill,
folks.
No need to worry.
She's up on the hill.
Can you sign in
the next door
and yeah,
I'm on it.
Go.
What do we got
on next door right now?
Because we got a post
about this bitch
because she's fucking
my patience.
No,
I'm kidding.
We're not rats.
Let her roll around
in that grass
and scream.
I don't give a fuck
what she does.
I don't rat on anybody
for anything.
I don't care.
I don't rat.
It's against my
constitution.
I don't like that
Takashi 69.
What's his name?
Takashi 69.
You got it.
Yeah.
I don't like that.
You wouldn't see
Doja Cat ratting
or little Zan.
Maybe little Zan.
I don't know.
Zan is a complex man.
What is next door?
What are some of the posts
on next door right now?
Okay.
So top post
human excrement removal?
Human excrement removal.
Dear neighbors,
somebody was nice enough
to leave a big pile
of human excrement
in front of my house today,
hoping my kids
don't accidentally
step in it.
Does anybody know
of a city service
I can call
to have it removed?
A,
how do you know
it's human?
This is a guy
who's somebody's
putting shit
in front of his house
and this guy deserves it.
I can tell already.
I can tell this guy.
You don't know
how to remove shit.
You put it in a bag.
This is a,
someone is putting shit
on his property
for good reason.
Hopefully my kids
don't step in it.
Well, tell them
not to step in it.
Why are you playing
a guessing game
with the kids?
What else do you got?
Do people answer
this idiot?
Yeah, so let's see
the top comment.
Dear Justice,
this happened to us
many years ago.
The person nicely
did their thing
right up against our house.
I took pictures
and showed it
to the next council meeting.
People couldn't believe it.
Council meeting?
The city council?
I guess the neighborhood council?
Yeah.
I mean,
can you imagine,
just for a minute,
I want everyone
listening to this
to imagine
how meaningless
people's lives are.
Like how meaningless
this guy's taking
pictures of shit
and then bringing it up
in the city council?
I understand
if it happens
every day
or even once a week,
but one time only?
Do you know
how lucky you are
if that's all
that's ever happened?
One time
somebody just shits
on your house?
But think of the
inane,
meaningless lives
that people have
that they need to fill.
They get so excited
when there's a mound
of shit
that they can photograph.