Name: #168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-10-06T04:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#168 - The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-06. Transcript available.

#168 -  The Funniest Guy I Ever Met | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody.
It is Tuesday, October 1st, the beginning of Sober October for Burt, Ari, Tom,
Rogan.
I'm leaving in a few hours from this porch to go and get on a tour bus.
We'll fly first, and they got on a tour bus with Burt Kreischer,
and then I'm opening for him on the first leg, the first couple of dates,
the first week of his Body Shots World Tour.
Very excited for that.
Burt's sober.
I'm doing keto, so it's going to be a lot of fun.
A real wild time, but it should be good, man.
I'm really psyched and pumped to see people.
And we just got back from Logan Paul's house.
We just did Impulse of the podcast.
A lot of fun.
There's a helicopter going over.
We're going to give that a minute.
Logan Paul, man, beautiful home.
Ben said it.
Ben was like, he lives like the kid in blank check.
Yeah.
There's toys everywhere, and cars everywhere, and friends everywhere.
It's a good life.
It really is.
He's actually a nice guy.
He's training for that fight he's doing with KSI.
And we had a great podcast there.
It was a lot of fun.
And I explained in the previous episode with Ray the futility of being angry at
the YouTubers.
That's over.
You can be angry at them.
You can be angry at anybody.
Doesn't matter.
You know?
That whole, you know, response that Theo got when he had Logan on and response
that I got.
Why, Kempel, how about no?
There was a lot of people that were like, hey, how about no?
You're talking to that guy?
And a lot of people just hate the kid because they don't feel like he deserves
to be famous.
Hey, you get famous.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
This whole idea of deserve is a word that a child would use.
It's a child that throws a tantrum.
I want it.
It should be mine and not his.
Get over it.
Deserve.
He works hard.
Fame is not a thing that you discuss in those terms.
You could discuss respect in that way.
You could say this person deserves to be respected or they don't.
Or their art or their work deserves to be respected or it doesn't.
You can have conversations using that framing when you're talking about respect,
when you're talking about legacy, when you're talking about influence, but when
you're talking about something as fickle and as vacuous as fame, especially
right now, you'll find yourself chasing your own tail.
This person deserves fame.
These people are famous for no reason.
Well, the reason is that people watch and listen to what they do.
That's why they're famous.
And I'm not even trying to be a contrarian here.
I'm saying that is the reason.
So your quarrel is really.
And I had to realize this, folks.
I was kind of one of these people.
And this is why people are like, why are you blackpilling all the time?
I'm not blackpilling.
I realized my quarrel is not as much with the politicians.
It's not as much with the entertainers.
It's with the people.
It's with my fellow citizens.
That's the quarrel.
That's why people have guns.
I figured it out.
It's not to fight the government.
It's to shoot their neighbor in the face.
It's so that the people in this country can defend each other from each other.
That's why people are armed to the teeth and they all have arsenals.
Not because they think they're going to take on the Green Berets.
Because they're going to take on, you know, when Reddit goes live.
When Facebook, when it's Facebook live in the streets.
That's what it comes.
Mike, your quarrel is with the people.
It's not with the bold-faced names.
It really isn't, you know?
I talk to so many comedians, so many people in the arts or in entertainment.
And they're like, can you believe that this is getting the attention it's
getting?
Whatever it happens to be.
And it's like, hey, man, talk to the people.
Now, there's a lot of things in entertainment where they're propped up by
writers.
And reviewers and reviewers and journalists and media.
And the people want nothing to do with it.
But in the case of Logan and these YouTube guys, they have the numbers.
They have legions of fans.
So, I don't know what to tell you.
Get a life.
Get a life.
Literally get a life.
Find somebody to love.
Figure something out.
Get a job that fulfills you.
Get a hobby.
The great Rick Campos used to talk about hobbies.
But sending me a message saying I shouldn't go on the podcast when the guy's a
perfectly nice guy.
Do you know how many podcasts of people I do I hate?
Do you know in the business how many times I have to talk to people I hate them?
This guy's fine.
He's a sweet kid.
Now, I don't know.
I mean, there's things.
We've all done things and said things that we don't want on our epitaph.
In a funeral, like in a cemetery, we don't want it on our headstone.
Everybody has done that.
But you fucking get over it.
This rage.
You know?
When I talk about Doja Cat, I don't begrudge her her fame.
Of course, Juicy is a song.
Of course, she's famous.
It would make so much less sense if she wasn't famous.
That song on YouTube, Moo, where she goes, bitch, I'm a cow.
Bitch, I'm a cow.
I'm not a cat.
I don't say meow.
Of course, that has 54 million views.
Go outside.
Talk to someone.
Anyone.
You'll get it.
Watch a few minutes of the news.
Look at our political leaders.
Look at the fact that no one wants to go into politics anymore because they
feel like they
can really change the world more in tech or working in, you know, that fake
charity circuit, that bullshit philanthropy they all do where they all, you
know, they donate money for tax reasons.
But they don't want to work in politics because politics is just very dirty.
So many and a lot of tech is the recipient of a lot of talent that would have
gone into politics or would have gone into finance.
They go into tech because they think they think that their altruism has a
better place in tech.
Now, we know what altruism in tech is.
It's being super woke for the corporate state.
It's giving yourself over to the idea that surveillance, not a problem, not an
issue.
Platforming people, not a problem, not a problem, as long as you are on the
ideological spectrum of the people that work in those companies.
And I know some of those people.
I talk to them.
But none of those people are revolutionaries.
But they do believe that they're making the world a better place.
They believe that's what they're doing.
And if you go to them with facts or statistics or a counter argument based in
one of those two things, they tend not to receive that well.
They don't receive that criticism well because they believe that they are
literally changing the world and that they are the guardians of our democratic
process.
And they are the guardians of free speech and they will decide who should have
it and when it should be had.
But it was a fun podcast.
Check that out.
That's probably out already.
This is going to come out, you know, Saturday night, Sunday.
I talked about this article on the Patreon episode.
I want everybody to read this article because it's a fucking killer article.
And to their credit, the New York Times published it.
It's called How to Hide $400 Million.
Okay.
It was written by Nicholas Confessore.
Published on November 30th, 2016.
How to Hide $400 Million.
It is so good.
I'll give you a little preview and then I want you to go read it.
We're not talking about it really today.
This is just assignments.
This is homework.
I give you homework.
And if you're members of the Patreon, you already got this.
When a wealthy businessman set out to divorce his wife, their fortune vanished.
The quest to find it would reveal the depths of an offshore financial system
bigger than the U.S. economy.
And what's great about the articles, you read it, you start understanding that
Epstein was not only the island, wasn't only the sexual blackmail, but it was
this huge operation to launder money, to wash dirty money that came from a lot
of different places, came from a lot of private, you know, major players in the
financial world.
And it also came from corporations and Epstein was a guy who was very skilled
at doing that.
And that's from on the record and off the record conversations I've had with a
lot of people that believe that the full scope of what he was involved in
actually is heinous.
And as shocking as the human trafficking was and the allegations about that,
which are all true, there is something even larger in scope when you talk about
the financial system that exists only for the wealthiest, most powerful people
in the world.
And the way that they're able to hide money offshore, overseas, very
fascinating article.
And we're going to try to get some people on the show to talk about that is
very, very interesting.
Folks, BetterHelp slash Tim Dillon.
We've discussed BetterHelp before.
And I've been quite clear about an open and honest with the audience about, you
know, some of the controversies that BetterHelp was mired in and my decision to
continue to let them advertise on the program.
Because I do feel like there are people out there in the world with a sexual
fetish who want to masturbate on the phone with a stranger and that this
service for a small monthly fee is the way to do that safely.
And you're probably not going to lose your job.
So that is a great use of the service.
Now, of course, BetterHelp is intended for people that want counseling from
licensed counselors.
And that is also a feature that they offer.
That is not the feature that I have chosen to focus on.
I think we've kind of done our own thing here with the BetterHelp ads.
This will kind of be our final one.
But, I mean, listen, this is better than nothing.
If you are out there and you're desperate and you need to talk to somebody,
BetterHelp is really the way to do it.
I mean, a lot of people cannot afford.
They don't have the health insurance.
They cannot afford a counselor.
A lot of them don't want to leave their house.
They have anxiety.
They don't want to sit in front of somebody.
And they want an online counseling session anytime.
You can schedule it.
If you don't like your counselor, you can leave.
But if you do like your counselor, and you know what I mean, this is probably a
great way to masturbate on the phone while someone is talking to you and not
lose your job or get arrested.
I'm trying to book some dates in London over the holidays because I want to be
a victim of terrorism.
In the UK, I've sat down with my agent.
Always said it would be really good.
It would kind of get, you know, I don't know that I'm a sympathetic figure.
But I feel like if I'm plowed down in an open street market in Britain by
somebody, not hurt, but just kind of knocked over, knocked off my axis, I think
it might make me look a little better.
But no, I'm seriously thinking about going over there, doing some shows, and
then maybe shooting a special that I might distribute myself over at the Stand
Comedy Club in Glasgow, which was one of my favorite rooms in the world.
And I love going over there.
And I haven't really been on a vacation in a long time.
Like, I haven't been on a vacation.
And the vacations I went on when I was a kid were okay.
I mean, my parents took me to one place called the Enchanted Forest, which is,
I think, up by Canada, by the border.
I don't know what the fuck they were doing.
They were probably trying to sell me to pedophiles, who then, once they saw me,
reneged.
And they were like, okay, I guess we'll have to take them to the theme park now.
And then I went to Disney World twice.
We've talked about that at Nauseam.
I went to a castle in Scotland with my dad.
We talked about that.
We did not take a lot of vacations as a family.
It was not a thing that we did.
And I don't take a lot of them now.
Because I don't have a lot of money.
And, you know, so I would like to get over there to the UK to feel, so what's
it 