Name: #169 - We're The Dirtbags | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-10-13T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#169 - We're The Dirtbags | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#169 - We're The Dirtbags | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-13. Transcript available.

#169 - We're The Dirtbags | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Sitting here in the backyard in West Hollywood.
We are not on the porch.
I want to apologize to everybody on YouTube that has spent a lot of money to
watch this show done on a porch.
It will be done on a porch again.
Fear not.
But Ben is here.
I just got off tour with Bert.
Just got off a fucking bus.
And then a plane.
Now I'm back in West Hollywood.
And I lost my fucking phone.
I just lost my phone.
There is no feeling worse than losing your phone.
It used to be your wallet.
Because I've lost both.
Your phone is now your wallet.
I don't care about my wallet.
I'll throw my wallet in a river.
I don't get, what am I going to lose?
A business card?
An executive?
A true TV?
No thanks.
I'll throw my wallet in the LA river.
But my fucking phone is my lifeline.
You can do nothing without a phone.
And like an idiot, we got off the plane.
Bert had a car.
We jumped in the car.
Went to Bert's house.
I got an Uber.
Pulls up in a black Jeep Liberty.
Russian chick.
A lot of plastic surgery.
I even said to myself, I made a mental note.
Don't leave anything in this fucking car.
You will not see it again.
Because she'll know how to move it.
She will know how to get rid of that fucking, whatever I leave in that fucking
car.
Which again, all I have is my phone.
I even made like a weird mental note when I saw her.
And as soon as she said hello and I could hear the accent was like Russian.
Or you know, maybe Ukrainian, one of the ex-Soviet Republic.
I don't know.
But whatever it is, I'm like, I didn't feel particularly comfortable with the
chance.
That I would get my property returned to me.
I saw the amount of plastic surgery.
I'm like, she's got a few different hustles going on.
And I was one of those hustles today.
And I left my fucking phone in the backseat of this Uber.
And as soon as I walked in the house, I checked.
I didn't immediately, I didn't make the connection.
And then about, because I look at my phone.
You realize you look at your phone every few minutes.
So as soon as I set my shit down and I got a glass of water, I went, fuck, wait,
what?
Where's the phone?
I felt in my pocket.
I'm like, where is the phone?
And there was no phone.
And I said, okay.
And I went and I tore my room apart.
And then immediately panic began to set in because I'm like, fuck, I lost this
phone.
I have people's numbers in there that are important.
I have people that I don't want being called.
I don't need people calling the numbers I have in the phone.
Okay.
And I called Ben on my FaceTime on my Mac.
And Ben goes, hey, there's a Sprint store open.
You can go there.
No problem.
I'll get you a Lyft.
Ben used to drive Lyft.
So he deals with Lyft.
He does not deal with Uber.
He deals with Lyft.
Lyft is clearly the lesser of the two services.
And they employ people who are both emotionally disturbed, you know, mentally
deficient.
These people are, I don't know how anyone who does Lyft has a license.
I don't know how they got a license.
When you get in a Lyft, not only are you taking your life in your hands, I mean,
it's crazy.
It's a real difference.
It's not just a fucking hockey joke premise, although there's a lot of people
with those types of jokes.
I forget.
Maybe it was Alyssa Limparis.
I think somebody on Twitter was like, she had a great tweet about like you
getting an Uber versus getting in a Lyft.
You know, and you get, or maybe she did a video about it and you get in the Lyft
and it's fucking mayhem.
So I'm like, okay, I'm going to go now.
And I don't know how long it's going to take because if I have insurance, you
know, hopefully I have it.
I think I have insurance.
I didn't have find my iPhone.
I thought I did.
But if the phone's off, it doesn't matter anyway.
My phone was dead.
So it didn't matter anyway.
And I get in the Lyft with a MacBook and a guy pulls up, bald guy.
It's a Lyft.
So it's a Chevy Cruze.
It's a small, bright red Chevy Cruze.
If I had a Chevy Cruze, boy, I would get it in a color that blended in.
You know what I mean?
Like I would not advertise my Chevy Cruze with like a candy apple red.
This is a Cruze.
It's not a Malibu.
This is a Cruze.
The Cruze is the smaller car.
It's like a two-door.
It looks like a lot of these cars now look like somebody shit a car.
It is the literal aesthetic of the car.
The shape is like it just plopped onto the street.
And I get in the Cruze and I have the MacBook because I said,
I'm going to have to call you back to order another one of these fuckers
while I'm in Sprint.
So I get in the Chevy Cruze with what I imagine is a lunatic.
We drive to the nearest Sprint store.
He pulls me up to a corner and goes,
All right, Papa.
All right, Papa.
This is you.
All right, Papa.
This is you.
Well, no, it wasn't me because there was no Sprint store.
And I said, I'm looking for a Sprint store.
He's like, yeah, no Sprint store, Papa.
I said, well, then I'm going to stay in the car because I was going to the Sprint
store.
So as long as you're treating me, you're going to call me Papa.
Treat me like your father and let's find the store.
He goes, this is you, Papa.
It says here, Sprint.
I said, I don't see Sprint.
He goes, yeah, I don't either.
I don't either, Papa.
I say to him, I roll the window down.
I said to a guy, you know of any Sprint store in this area?
Heard of one?
Ever seen one?
The guy goes, no.
Keeps walking.
I say to the driver.
I say, what's happening?
Because I don't know.
So I'm like, maybe like sometimes with a restaurant, it had been closed or it
had been remodeled or whatever.
But you had told me, Ben had said I had spoke to the guy at the Sprint store.
So I'm like, there is a store.
Somebody answered the phone.
So Ben says the address is three, whatever.
This guy allows me to call Ben.
I call Ben.
Ben says the address.
This guy goes, oh, we're not at three.
We're 291, Papa.
I said, yeah, no good.
He goes, Papa, maybe we should drive around and look for the Sprint store.
I said, well, that would be lovely.
That would be very nice.
If we could find the thing that I want to go to, can we do that?
Because that is the point of the service.
I know it was fun to drive with you.
He had Fleetwood Mac on, which I appreciate.
He did not look like he was a Fleetwood Mac fan.
I don't like to make rush judgments, but I did not think he would be getting
into Stevie Nicks.
And I said, well, that's nice.
You know, we drive up and down the block.
No Sprint store.
We then go, we pull in front of this big parking garage.
And he goes, maybe the Sprint store is in there.
And I go, oh, I don't know.
But I don't think so.
I don't see any signs that say Sprint.
So he goes, yeah, Papa, no good.
He said, no, it is not good.
I go, let me just have my friend Ben change the location on this.
He goes, buddy, this is a pool.
Can't change the location.
I said, sir, it's not a pool.
It's not a pool.
He goes, yeah, this is a share.
He goes, somebody else is going to come in here now.
And I said, well, if somebody else gets in, that's fine.
But I'm letting you know this right now.
I selected the feature where I would just go to the place.
This is not a situation.
So he looks at the phone.
He goes, you're right, Papa.
I said, OK.
So then we call Ben.
Ben changes the address.
This guy drops me off.
Because I go, I don't have a phone.
I'm not walking around LA with a MacBook.
Like a psychopath going into different businesses going,
can I use your Wi-Fi so I can FaceTime my friend so he can call me a Lyft?
Because that's literally what I would have had to do.
Hey, can I get on the Wi-Fi here so I can FaceTime him?
So I can get a Lyft back.
And does anyone know where Sprint store is?
And we got 10 minutes before Sprint closes.
Sprint closed because it's Sunday at 7.
And who wants to work?
Who needs hours?
No one.
Not in this country.
Everybody's doing good.
Nobody needs any overtime here.
Not from what I see.
Let's shut it down early.
So I get back to the house.
Now the phone is gone.
My phone is gone.
I got to go to Sprint tomorrow morning.
I've only lost my phone twice in a way that I, like, the first time I lost my
phone,
I was, it was 2013.
I had just moved into New York City.
I was living with a married couple, two comedians, who fought bitterly and
eventually got divorced.
It was the second divorce I had witnessed.
The first was my parents.
I probably played a role in both.
I moved in to a five-story walk-up, a tenement building.
It was built in 1911, meaning that there are no elevators, there are stairs.
You walk up five stories, you get to your apartment.
Our apartment was a railroad apartment, a long hall with rooms on either end.
They had a room, I had a little shitty room with no door.
It had steam heat, the building, so there was a steam pipe at the end of my bed
where if
I touched it with my foot, I would wake myself up because I'd have a burn on my
foot.
The kitchen had a shower in the kitchen.
There was a shower with a curtain around it in the kitchen, so you would be
frying an egg
and somebody would be washing their ass.
That was literally the setup of the apartment.
Somebody would be washing, this woman would be loofah-ing her snatch, and I
would be heating
up baked beans in the kitchen.
That's the way that I lived.
I was 25 years old.
I was thrilled to be there.
The mortgage thing had collapsed, and I'd moved into the city.
I'd been doing comedy about two years, and I'd just moved into the city.
As soon as I moved into the city, God decided, in his infinite wisdom, to
destroy Long Island
with Hurricane Sandy.
Now, I appreciated that.
I appreciated that he waited until I left, and then he destroyed my friends and
family,
which I sanctioned.
Now, God, of course, could not be held responsible.
He didn't really know.
He was probably trying to get rid of Long Island, but he had no idea.
He could not even conceive how durable these monsters were.
So they were able to hang on.
But it was bad.
Right after Hurricane Sandy, lots of people that I knew, their homes were
ruined.
My grandmother's house was completely flooded.
She had to go live with my Aunt Donna for a year.
Most of the homes in the town that I lived in, Island Park, were completely
destroyed.
Boats were floating down the main streets in the town that I lived.
There was like four feet of water in lower Manhattan.
It was bad.
The financial district, Staten Island, all of these places.
I'd never seen an event like that.
I remember as a little kid, Hurricanes, and I remember people taking boats down
the streets
of my town because I think it was Gloria or something.
I can't remember.
Might have been another one.
But Sandy was the first thing where you saw the nature's ability to completely
just everything
in its path it destroyed and people's lives were completely ruined.
I mean, if not ruined, whatever you were doing was pushed back a year, at least.
Now, of course, my loser friends are still using Hurricane Sandy as an excuse
in 2019.
They are still going, you know, Hurricane Sandy, I was going to go to school
and then Sandy.
They've been using that as an excuse forever.
I couldn't get my business off the ground because of Hurricane Sandy.
Okay, well, you may be, hey, Anthony, maybe and maybe not.
Maybe not.
So Hurricane Sandy happened.
Now, where was Timmy?
Timmy was living in the fifth floor of a building in Hell's Kitchen on 45th
between 8th
and 9th Avenue, right in the middle of Hell's Kitchen.
Two blocks from Times Square.
It was a wild place to live.
When these two would fight, I would go walk around in the middle of the night
and just talk
to hot dog vendors and guys that were dressed like Tigger and Winnie the Pooh,
the dumb
Times Square characters.
I would just walk around, smoke cigarettes at 2 a.m. in Times Square.
So, I mean, every subway went there.
It was a ve