Name: #170 - Eat The Rich; They're Keto Part 1| The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-10-20T04:00:01.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#170 - Eat The Rich; They're Keto Part 1| The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#170 - Eat The Rich; They're Keto Part 1| The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-20. Transcript available.

#170 - Eat The Rich; They're Keto Part 1| The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
It's apples.
Apples have a ton of sugar.
Shut up.
It's the fucking, are we recording?
It's the fall.
Yeah, it's the fall.
Right, it's the fall.
Look, my ketosis doesn't know that it's a wonderful, like I'm going leaf peeping,
and I'm fucking going to.
Leaf peeping?
Yeah, like it's when the leaves change.
How did you make it sound filthy and dirty?
That's what the term is.
Like something a rapist would do.
Let's go leaf peep.
I want to go leaf.
I wouldn't let you near my children if you're like, it's a nice fall day.
We're going to take them leaf, leaf peeping.
Sounds like everything you do is like peeping Tom.
We're going to go leaf peeping, and then we're going to go skull fuck some
pumpkins.
You ever fucked a pumpkin?
No.
I never fucked an object.
It's too big.
I feel like my dick was too small.
I never fucked anything.
They're huge.
Like an object-wise.
I'm trying to think what I fucked.
I haven't fucked anything either, and I'm kind of disappointed by that.
Yeah.
I mean, I think the most I'm trying to disappoint is fill a paper towel with
some hand lotion.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Look at this.
Whoa.
Dude, these kids are retarded.
Oh, yeah.
She's just like press-ups against the wall.
Yeah.
It's at Denny's.
They eat free here.
Kids eat free?
What are kids?
I'll be on Sunday.
Oh, Sunday and Tuesday.
Sunday and Tuesday, 4 p.m. to 10 p.m.
Oh, so.
So, we're in Ray's shithole of a town.
This is not my town.
This is the town adjacent.
We're in Long Island.
We're on my way to my-
Oh, the LA Fitness over there now.
I haven't been here in a while.
Ray has accused me of thinking that his town was shit, and I do, but now Ray is
going to
prove that I'm wrong.
This is a shopping center I went to a lot as a kid.
And what did you do there?
I went to the GameStop and the supermarket and the-
Yeah, I didn't really hang out.
It was a Wendy's there.
That was nice.
Wendy's still here.
This McDonald's coming up I worked at.
I worked at this McDonald's.
How long did you work at McDonald's?
Six months.
Yeah.
I think I might have mentioned that, but I had a-
I wasn't good at first for a while.
I was a cashier, and I was bad at cleaning, and it was a mess, and my boss came
up to me
once and told me, hey, Ray, come over here.
I want to show you why everything you clean looks like ass.
Is that what he said?
He said that, literally.
Isn't it great when someone at a shitty job pulls rank and goes, there's a
right way to
do this?
But he was right.
And look, I had the rag all bunched up, and he said, you spread the rag out,
more surface
area.
And I used that knowledge when I worked at the morgue, and I had to clean the
brain matter
off the platter thing when I was taking pictures.
Why did you leave the McDonald's?
Were you fired?
I was just kind of tired of work.
I mean, I didn't really- I was 15.
I didn't really need the job.
I had gotten into kung fu movies and anime at the time.
I wanted to devote more time to that.
How did you quit?
Did you tell the guy?
Well, I went to my store manager, and he said to me, where else are you going
to go?
Right.
I loved that at McDonald's, and you were 15, but he still knew there was no
hope.
Yeah.
He's like, where else are you going to go?
Look at me.
You see that fryer?
That's your destiny.
I wanted to work the kitchen.
They wouldn't let me.
They wouldn't let you work the kitchen?
No.
At McDonald's?
Well, a couple times I was able to do it, but they thought it was too much of a
klutz.
They thought you would fuck up the food delivery system at McDonald's.
One time, this guy choked me.
What?
Well, we were doing this kind of weird.
I don't know.
You get bored when things are slow, and we're doing a little ninja.
He'd walk by.
He'd be like, give me a little ninja swipe.
I'd be like, do that.
It seems weird, but the point is-
Like a karate chop?
Yeah, something like that.
So he'd walk by, and he'd karate chop you because it was slow, and nobody was
eating cheeseburgers.
Something like that.
Yeah.
So one day, he was older than me and taller and bigger, and one day, I got
behind him
because I was keeping the joke going, the thing going, and I got behind him
with a rag,
and I didn't really choke him.
I was like, oh, grab him.
I'm like, ah, yeah.
But he apparently had just gotten jumped the night before because that's how he
was rolling,
and so he was all on edge, so he just flipped me over and started choking me
out and punching
me, and it was pretty traumatic.
I went to this grade school coming up.
Hold on.
Is that why you ended up leaving the job?
Because you were beaten?
No.
I was just-
How long after the beating did you stay in the job, and was it awkward?
Four months.
No, he apologized afterwards.
It was a misunderstanding.
He thought there was a guy jumping him.
Is this Ed Mangano's funeral home, Mangano funeral?
Ed Mangano was the corrupt Nassau County executive who was, I swear to God,
taking food bribes.
I believe it was the opium place over here.
He was being bribed with deli platters, him and his wife, and they were indicted.
Whatever happened to Ed and Linda Mangano?
Did they actually get charged?
I mean, they were getting their floors done by the town of money or whatever.
She got a no-show job as a food tester.
They were taking bribes of brisket.
Tastes good.
Yeah.
It's fine with us.
Could use a little more bacon, if you ask me.
I think the tuna salad lacks mayo.
It's a little dry.
More.
More, please.
How much am I being paid?
$400,000 a year.
Sounds fair.
I used to have Boy Scout meetings in that school.
I went to this music academy.
Music academy, right?
The music store.
Music academy?
Did you just say, I went to this music academy.
We just passed a shitty little building that says music on it, and it's clearly
just like
a music store for losers who want to buy guitars and sit around strumming a
guitar.
It's true.
This liquor store.
Crazy Billy's.
Yeah.
This was blown up.
He blew it.
Wait, what?
Allegedly blew someone else's liquor store up or price fixing.
One of those two things.
Not Crazy Billy, right?
Oh, we're going to pass by a maker right here.
Here we go.
We're going to pass by.
I like this debit.
Same as cash.
We're going to pass.
Now, what are we in?
You need a rest.
Oh, my God.
Dude, this is one of the shittiest bars in the whole world.
Take a look at this to the left.
This is the famous, you need a rest.
That is a little blood box.
If you, that's like the Lisa's Lounge of fucking Deer Park.
I never went there, but the hoarder woman who used to have a hoarder house on
my block
would hang out there.
Yeah.
And I think she would, you know, go home with guys.
But she, her house, it was condemned because it was, the floors were like.
Dude, you forget that like even the shittiest bars are places people go to fuck.
Right.
You forget that.
What is this place?
Is it car wash here?
Yeah.
I haven't been here in years.
You forget that as shitty as a bar is and as disgusting as the regulars are,
people are using it as a place to get fucked.
Was that even, was that the case of Lisa's Lounge when you went there?
Kind of, but it was kind of a drug bar, but I wasn't trying to fuck anyone
there.
So the thing is, if you're not trying to fuck anyone there, you don't know who's
really fucking.
Like you get an idea of it.
Yeah.
But you get an idea, but.
Well, you watch those videos from the guy, the bagel guy.
And some of his videos take place in some of these Long Island bars.
Yeah.
And he's with women in there.
And it's all these real old bad, ugly looking guys.
And they're just like, you know, trying to pick up shit.
It's just terrible.
It's real sad, man.
And.
What was the Stone Cold here?
They banned him on Twitter and then he just got back into Twitter and he just
followed me again.
The apartment bowling alley's been changed to strike lanes.
Strike lanes.
He goes pizza.
Look at this, Domino's.
Oh yeah, it's a real charming, right?
Real fucking charming area.
It's in Long Island Avenue.
It's more of an industrial area.
Yeah.
Don't say my street name, by the way.
I don't know.
You know.
I'm not going to say.
Who's coming to see you?
I don't even live here anymore.
I'm just saying.
When we get there.
I'm not going to say your street name.
It's just, you know.
You think TMZ is going to show up tomorrow?
I just don't want my mom getting assaulted by a fan.
Yeah.
That's.
Well, to be honest with you, that's not the worst.
It's actually not the fucking most crazy concern with our fan base.
They're just going to assault your mother.
I can't understand your son.
Don't be really funny to assault your mom.
I punch her in the face.
Left, right.
Left.
Okay.
Careful.
Careful.
Well, that's all sorts of things.
I know what I'm doing.
I don't know.
I mean, you know, this is a nice minivan.
I'm in my aunt's minivan.
So we're going to go right away here.
So this is where I grew up.
This is already, it's getting nice and suburban feeling.
It's fine, Ray.
It's fine.
Nice and suburban.
It lacks any definitive character.
Well, exactly.
We wore a high oldie, hoity, hoity.
I mean, already we have a garage sale.
I mean, this is what he's saying is fine.
Already there's somebody selling your entire house.
Wait, garage sales are a tried and true tradition.
They're selling old shoes so that they can go buy Oxycontin in the parking lot.
Garage sales are a tried and true staple.
People's old shoes.
They're selling their old shoes.
It's a real staple.
It's a real Americana staple.
It's real Norman Rockwell out here.
If he had painted a kid trying to get his mother's back medication, she's barricaded
in the bathroom.
Excuse me.
Straight?
Right.
I forgot you.
Yeah, I don't know.
There's a community garden.
Let's take a look at the community garden.
Is this it to the right?
Well, that's a community garden, yeah.
It looks like a lot of dead plants.
But I guess it's the fault.
Yeah, I don't.
What are they growing there, opium?
I just make a laugh at the stop sign.
Okay, this better be nice, Ray.
I got to be honest.
It isn't that bad.
Yeah, see?
You thought it was like a shitty.
Those kids who lived there used to.
No, actually.
Yeah, one of the kids there in this house used to bully me.
He tried to bully me.
I fought back.
Is this the kid who you're trying to kill yourself on his lawn?
No, that was a Catholic high school.
Yeah, that was my favorite thing ever.
Somebody's bullying Ray.
He's like, I'll kill myself on your lawn.
I'm going to come to your house and shoot myself on your front lawn.
Oh, I love that.
I didn't know what to do.
What a great way to.
You know, it's a great comeback.
Yeah, because it really puts a ball in his court.
How are you going to get me?
Exactly.
This is my house here.
Where?
Right here.
The next one.
That's the people who murdered their cats.
What do you mean they murdered your cats?
With the antifreeze.
Why did they murder your cats?
Oh, here it is.
Yeah, what happened?
That tree is drooping.
That's a Ray house.
This is the house I grew up in.
That's a Ray house.
Yeah.
The mailbox kind of.
It looks nice.
It's got the nice siding.
It's a Long Island home.
Yeah, it's nice.
Yeah, listen.
This house in the corner here wasn't there.
That used to be a hoarder house where the floors got so saturated with piss
that it condemned the whole house.
Which house is that?
Well, it's one, this big one in the corner here.
So the, so the, okay.
But it used to, it used to be facing like.
People don't realize things like that were more common.
Like hoarders, when we grew up.
Yeah.
There were houses, like condemned houses on the block.
People you'd never see.
I mean, that trope from the movies was real.
Oh, sure.
Where you had that woman you'd never see.
There was a woman on my block named Vi.
Yeah.
Viola.
She was like a nasty cunt and would bar