Name: #171 - Brownie Boat | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-10-27T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#171 - Brownie Boat | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-27. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#171 - Brownie Boat | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-10-27. Transcript available.

#171 - Brownie Boat | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Ladies and gentlemen, you are listening to The Tim Dillon Show.
I have just returned to California from the sunny Southern Command Center.
Rush Limbaugh used to go, ladies and gentlemen, it is open line Friday from the
Palm Beach,
he would say, from sunny South Beach, Florida, the Southern Command Center of
the EIB Network.
It is El Rushbo, the Maharishi.
He broadcasts from Palm Beach.
I was just in St. Pete Beach, Florida, our greatest state.
The Crown Jewel of America.
Why is it so great?
Is it the sunsets?
Is it the elder abuse?
Is it that every other building is a sober house?
Is it the fact that rehabilitation is a major industry?
I don't know.
It's all of those things and more.
All of the New York Jews go down to the East Coast of Florida, which is like
Palm Beach, Boca, that shit.
Fort Lauderdale, Miami.
And then the West Coast, where I was, which is like Tampa, St. Petersburg,
Clearwater, is the people from Canada and the Midwest.
They were telling me that when I got down there.
But there are some people from Long Island, New York on the West Coast, too.
But they are so prevalent on the East Coast that you feel like you're in New
York.
You feel like you hear the accents.
You hear the complaining.
You immediately are like, oh, I'm home.
You hear people upset.
I mean, the first day I got there, the gravitational pull of Florida is so much
because when you get there, you spend time there and you go, I could live here.
I could become this.
It's something you become.
You're not born that way.
Maybe some people are.
But you become a person that just is eating a conch fritter on the back deck at
3 p.m.
You know, like I went out to lunch at Ocean Prime, which is a restaurant in
Tampa.
They have one in Beverly Hills, one in New York.
It's a chain.
I got out of there at 3 and my Uber driver picked me up and he goes, how was
dinner?
So that's where they're at.
He goes, how was dinner?
And then he proceeded to tell me about his wife.
He was in the asphalt business.
His wife defrauded him out of his company, wrote fake checks, the whole thing.
He's like, the DA said it was clear that she committed a crime.
He goes, I didn't charge her.
I didn't press charges because we've got two kids.
He goes, her sister, you know, said their whole family's bipolar.
He goes, I just didn't want to.
So he goes, now I'm just trying to get in business with my younger son.
I'm like, oh, good.
Ruin his life.
You want just your own flesh and blood.
He's like, my younger son wants to go into business with me.
So that's what Florida is like a great place to start over.
What did Roger Stone say?
It's a sunny place for shady people.
You know, the dirty tricks guy, Roger Stone.
You get the vibe when you're in Florida that there's a lot of people there that
are running
from something.
There are people that have given up on whatever they tried to do.
And they've come down in Florida and they're doing a version of what they
wanted to do.
And there's something nice about that.
And everything's inexpensive relative to New York and L.A.
And you start thinking like, man, I could get in this groove.
I could really.
I stayed at a hotel for one night called the Don Cesar, which everyone said,
you got to
stay at the Don.
It's where Louis stayed.
It's on the beach.
Beautiful old hotel.
The owner killed himself in it.
Again, Florida.
It was a VA hospital during World War II.
A lot of people died there.
I walk in immediately.
There's an old couple complaining that the restaurant was closed for renovations.
It's 153 a night.
Beautiful resort.
153 a night.
Right now, because I'm between apartments, I am in.
I don't even know what I'd call an inn in Burbank.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And it's got nothing.
I mean, it is bare.
It looks industrial, like every door looks like it's a supply closet.
This is fucking 220, 200.
Because if I wanted to stay at West Hollywood, it's like 400, 500, 800.
You go down to Florida, 150, you get a resort.
And so I stayed one extra day.
The crowds were fun.
The people that came out to side splitters in Tampa.
You know, my cousin went down to Florida about 10 years ago.
And she did Florida right.
My cousin did Florida right.
She's addicted to heroin.
She's in and out of rehabilitations.
She also will smoke crack.
She said to me, she said to me once in the Chili's in Delray Beach.
She goes, Timmy, I'm a real garbage head.
Whatever comes, whatever, whatever they bring out, I, I, I do not discriminate.
I'll take pills.
I'll shoot up.
I'll smoke meth.
She's, she's a lovely woman, but she's had problems.
She's had issues.
It's not mince words.
There's been problems.
Okay.
I remembered Thanksgiving a few years ago.
She was back up from Florida.
She'll come.
They bring her back to New York.
It doesn't work because New York is like, New York almost makes me do heroin.
So if you're on heroin, you don't come back to New York to like get off heroin.
So she comes back, she falls in with a bad crew, her old crew or a new crew.
It's amazing when you're doing those kinds of drugs, you just figure out who's
going to
get those drugs and how are you going to get it.
And, uh, she was at Thanksgiving and my other rant, my aunt, who's like a pill
head and a
drunk goes, let's do, let's go around the table and say what we're thankful for.
Which is always a waste of everyone's time.
No one's really, truly thankful for anything because no one will admit what
they're thankful
for.
No one will admit the reality of what they're saying.
I'm thankful that I got away with the deewee.
Like no one says that.
No one will go into the reality of what they're saying.
Everybody's like, I'm thankful for the seasons.
I'm thankful to be around family.
You're not, you're not.
No one is.
No one is.
It's, I'm thankful I didn't get caught cheating on my taxes.
I'm thankful my wife didn't catch that 23 roll blowing me in my office.
I'm thankful my kid didn't shoot up the school this year with my parenting.
He should have, but no one will be on it.
That would be great.
If we all went around the table and we're like, I'm thankful for this.
I'm thankful for that.
You know, I mean, half of my family would be like, thank God I was born white
and I could
just be mediocre at everything.
And none of the cops constantly beating the shit out of me, even though they
should be.
But so you, you, you, you set up a situation where you have your, everybody,
when you go around
that table, everyone's full of shit.
And my cousin is at the table and she's, you know, she's tired.
We, you know, you know, that means I was an addict for years.
I don't talk about her in a judgmental fashion.
I get it, but she's tired.
Well, yeah.
Tired means that there's, there are problems.
So we're going around the table and everybody's kind of nervous because they're
going to get
to her.
I'm trying to think of something dumb and funny to say.
I think I say it.
I don't know.
I forget what I even said I was thankful for.
I think I said, now my nanny made chocolate pudding.
My nanny makes the best chocolate pudding.
It's, I think it's two packages of mighty fine chocolate, one package of mighty
fine vanilla.
Mix it up.
You get the pudding skin.
Pudding has to have skin.
And so I said, I'm thankful for nanny's pudding or whatever.
And everyone left.
So we get to my other cousin and they're going, what are you thankful for?
And she just like picks her head up and she goes, I'm sick.
And everyone goes, okay.
And they go right to the next guy.
They're like, and what are you thankful for?
And I'm like, well, do you see that this wasn't the move?
But she went down there and half of Delray Beach, Florida is a rehab.
The other half of Delray Beach, Florida is a crack house.
It's like, there's a line down the town.
Half of them are rehabs, half of them are crack houses.
And you just shimmy over to the crack houses when you feel like relapsing.
And then you go back to the rehabs and the sober houses.
And these sober houses are big business.
Rich kids that get fucked up, their parents pay to stash them somewhere where
they will be watched.
And the rehabs kick them out usually after 28 days.
So then they can't come home.
The parents are like, we don't want to see them.
That's how we got it.
That's why they're doing drugs in the first place.
It's because we're busy making $8 million a year at Goldman Sachs, not raising
them.
So we clearly don't know what to do with them.
Put them somewhere.
And I'll open my wallet to make that happen.
The Ridge wallet.
So what then happens is you have these sober houses, these communities of
people.
And then my roommate, his girl, was a sober companion.
Her job is to sit next to rich people on flights so that they don't order
drinks.
I'm not even kidding.
This is an economy right now.
Poor people can't afford this.
If you're broke, and I'm going to talk about my rehab experience in a minute.
But if you're broke, you either don't go to rehab, or if you go, they kick out
as soon
as your insurance is out, and they go, good fucking luck.
Go with God.
Go to meetings.
Go to AA.
But if you're rich, you go to all these bullshit rehabs, which barely work.
Promises in Malibu.
Look, you're riding a horse.
You don't need to do, you don't need to take Oxycontin.
You're on a horse, Nicole Richie.
You're on a horse now.
Well, then what happens when you're not on the horse?
You go, well, I'm home now, and I'm not on the horse.
I think I'll take a pill.
That's the problem.
No one is fucking doing synthetic heroin because they have a lack of equestrian
opportunity.
That's not it.
There's deeper issues you got to get to.
But these fraudulent programs that they have in these multi-million dollar
institutions
are just to distract you.
That's what rich rehab is.
It's like distract.
We have beach yoga.
It's beach yoga.
Nobody needs to do drugs.
We're going to do yoga at the beach.
And then we're going to talk about our feelings by the sunset.
And then we have a five-star chef who's going to make you a meal.
And you're like, you're pampered.
And it's luxurious.
And they're giving you whatever drugs they can legally give you to get you off
the other
drugs and whatever.
And then you go back.
And the week you're out of that, you're using again.
You're at 1 Oak or 10 Oak or 15 Maple or whatever these fucking clubs are on
the Sunset Strip.
And you got your face full of a big cake of Coke because you learned nothing.
You didn't grow spiritually.
It's a whole lot of shit.
But my cousin had gone down to a few of these places in Del Rey.
And she's put some clean time together.
And then she relapses.
And it's sad.
It's a fucking, the disease is insidious.
It's deadly.
It doesn't let you out of its grasp, its clutches.
It's a lifelong fight.
And I 100% respect that she's trying.
It's fucking hard.
And I remember I went down there to perform at a rehab convention because I
used to do a
lot of rehab comedy.
When I first started comedy, those were shows that I could do.
I wasn't in at clubs.
I wasn't really working on the road.
So the idea, the road was rehab shows.
I did one in Eau Claire, Wisconsin, where I got one of the best heckles ever.
I said something about Jeffrey Dahmer.
And somebody in the audience yelled out, Dahmer ate my friend.
That was one of the best heckles that I have ever had.
It is the top five.
Ten years of comedy.
A lot of people have yelled shit out.
That was the top five.
I did a rehab convention in Eau Claire, Wisconsin.
And then we did one in Pompano Beach, Florida.
Flew into Fort Lauderdale.
Now, the guy that used to book these was a one-armed ex-crackhead named Keith.
He had one arm.
The arm that he had, the fake arm, was so bad.
It wasn't like, it looked like a Halloween, like he got it at a Halloween store.
It was like a prosthetic, but it 