Name: #172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-11-03T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-11-03. Transcript available.

#172 - Long Island Wedding | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
All right, we're in, folks, here at the Safari Inn.
It is Halloween night, Burbank, California, just saw a maid talking to two
other people
staying at the inn, and they were like, listen, this woman opened the door, she
goes, listen,
you got to clean this whole room when we leave, we're both very sick, which
means that they're
all fucking junked up in there, they're vomiting all over the room, and then
this poor maid is
going to have to walk in and deal with this shit when these people drag their
carcasses
out of this place.
And you know that's going to be late checkout.
You know they're not rolling their asses down at 11 a.m. or noon.
Somebody's going to be banging on the door at 12.45.
Probably the cops.
We released a video today where I played Epstein's Temple.
It's got about 110,000 views on Twitter in about five hours, which is really
nothing.
And I fault the majority of you for not retweeting it, because what the fuck
are you doing?
Set up an account and retweet it.
The shit that we make is great.
It's very funny, and it's hard to make.
And then you see what gets 9 million views, and it's like, you know, a gang
fight in a
McDonald's, which is good, and I do enjoy those.
But, you know, I'm not asking for 10 million views.
I'm saying smash the retweet button on the fucking Epstein Temple video.
I spent money on that costume.
Ben followed me around L.A.
I dressed like the fucking Temple from Pedophile Island.
Okay?
Everybody told us we couldn't film, even Flappers Comedy Club, which, by the
way, if you're ever
in Burbank and you're in need of water to survive, I would never walk into Flappers
Comedy Club
for any reason, but certainly not during the, what is it called?
Flappy Hour?
Yeah, not during Flappy Hour, which is the open mic they have there.
What is it, Daily, Ben?
I think so, yeah.
Yeah, every day they have an open mic for divorced dads and assorted psychopaths
in Los Angeles
County that make their way into Flappers for Flappy Hour.
Okay?
And then they instructed us that we weren't allowed to film there.
Ben's filming me.
I paid fucking $10 for a Red Bull.
I don't even drink Red Bull.
A friend of mine was with me.
And $3 for a fucking water.
Three and change.
So, of course, you leave the five.
So, $15 to perform for seven people at Flappy Hour.
And then this woman walks out and says to Ben, oh, you can't film.
I don't even own my own set after $15 and having to sit in a room with the stench
of delusional psychopaths?
Comedy for these people is like, it's not even, it doesn't even, it's not even
a hobby.
Put it that way.
It's not even a hobby they put any work into.
It's something that was like court ordered for a lot of the people at the Flappy
Hour.
They said, hey, instead of shoving your wife, how about you go and get some of
that energy out at the open mic?
Yeah, instead of pushing your wife in a stairwell, how about you go and tell a
few jokes?
Work out your anger that way.
Fucking psychopath in that place.
I remember I performed there one time and I ordered, what did I order?
Do you remember what I ordered?
The hummus.
Yeah, I ordered like hummus.
Yeah.
And the waitress goes, I didn't know where that, and I ordered it like an hour
before I got up on stage.
Which they couldn't figure out how to put the hummus in the fucking, I imagine
many of the employees were on the phone with their illegitimate children and
couldn't get the hummus in the bowl.
So then the woman came up to me afterwards and goes, hey, I was looking for you
all over.
I didn't know where you were with the hummus.
I said, I was on stage, dummy.
I was on the stage for an hour.
Earning my $160.
God, that place makes my skin crawl.
I'll probably have to delete this when I'm there next month.
I won't delete.
I will not delete this.
I don't care.
I will burn that bridge.
Fuck it.
I hate Burbank.
It's a big mall.
I'm just waiting for these people to stumble out of their room and just start
projectile vomiting.
The way she looked at the maid, she's like, we're really sick.
You're going to have to just burn this room when we leave.
110,000 views.
Listen, all I'm saying is this.
The video quality is great.
The editing is great.
The fucking thing is funny.
Celebrities are such pussies.
Other comics are such pussies.
So many people just don't want to retweet it because, you know, I know you don't
want to upset anybody.
You know, God forbid, God forbid this jeopardizes your chance of getting on
deal or no deal.
And I know that's what most of you people are in this for.
And I don't even blame you because there's no there there.
It's a mirage.
Nothing is real.
Just get a few checks from deal or no deal.
I don't even know what that show is.
Apparently, you go with the deal or not.
My career is called No Deal.
It's a show called No Deal.
It's been going on for a decade.
So I don't know what that show is.
But I know that I'm sure there's a lot of game show hosts in this city.
And I'd love a game show.
Someone give me a game show.
I'll tone it down for the game show and for everything.
But for the time I'm on air, I could do a family-friendly version of this for a
half hour to an hour.
Think about a game that I could get involved in.
You know?
Is this okay with the cars?
Is it not?
No, it's fine.
It's fine?
We're recording outside on the deck of the Safari Inn.
Yeah.
But is it okay?
Yeah, it's fine.
There's some traffic, but it'll be good.
Okay.
It's not a big deal.
You know, folks, it's called background noise.
You know?
Why don't you appreciate a little bit of, you know, ambient noise in the
background?
Like the sound of a soft summer rain.
Like the sound of a soft summer rain.
Instead, except these are cars that are fleeing the fires.
You can hear their wheels screeching as the terrain around them burns.
And they're in the car with their family.
And they're thinking about what would have happened if that family had just
burned with that house.
And of course, it would have been sad, but it would have been a chance at
rebirth.
My father's wife almost died once from food poisoning.
And my dad looked so disappointed when he talked about the fact that she was
saved.
And I don't think it's because he doesn't love her, but there's a chance at
rebirth.
Do you understand that?
It's not that he didn't love her.
It's that, you know, waking up alone sometimes is what's needed.
After you've been in a bed next to somebody for a long time, sometimes waking
up and reaching for someone who isn't there is the ticket.
That's at least what his face said.
He was kind of very solemn when he said that she was saved.
He said, we almost lost her.
And the way he said it, it was, he was very like, matter of fact, like, we
almost lost her.
But that would have been it.
And I would have had to move on.
But he's like, you know, she was, she was saved.
And, you know, we're all, we're all back together again.
I'm just saying, smash the retweet button if you can, folks.
Not a big deal if you can't.
I get it.
Many, many of his jobs, you don't want to get fired, whatever.
Instagram is like hiding us.
You can get to ISIS.
You could have gotten to Baghdadi on Instagram before you can find me.
He's now dead, but you could have got to him.
You could have got to his IG live before you find anything that I do.
Because Instagram is, you know, we just had dinner in Burbank, you know, and
then we said, I said to the wagers, I go, is there a bathroom?
She goes, yeah, just take the key and go around back.
What the fuck are you talking about?
Take the key and go around back?
So I could what?
Work at the restaurant?
Why is the bathroom locked?
Is it really, I guess it really is, post-apocalyptic hellscape out there.
Is everybody giving birth in the bathroom?
Is everybody shooting up in the bathroom at Marie's Italian restaurant in Burbank?
Whatever it was called.
That you need to have it locked up.
We need to use a key to get in.
Is it that bad out there?
When you check into a hotel, is it that bad?
That the key works for three seconds in the elevator to get up to your room?
Before you have to hit the sensor again.
It shuts off after like a second.
Who is getting on the elevator in between floor three and floor seven to murder
you?
Apparently everybody.
There was probably, as I say that, because none of these corporations give a
fuck.
There was probably like a slaughter in like a Hyatt or something.
There was definitely, and it was a big chain.
And somebody got in there and just went crazy.
Somebody went in there and went, you know, breakfast buffet, it's not good
today.
And they went into the elevator and plunged a steak knife into someone's throat.
And then Hyatt was sued.
And now it's like the NSA, you get into your room, there's 95 sensors to get
anywhere.
And then the cards demagnetize.
You got to keep going down to the front desk and go, they don't work.
They don't work.
Did you keep them near your phone or your wallet?
Yes, I did.
I did.
I didn't keep it in my mouth.
I have to put it somewhere on my person.
How about we invest money into cards that don't demagnetize by the two things
everyone has to carry.
Don't keep it near credit cards.
Don't keep it near your phone.
Should I put it in my ass for the day?
What should I do with the card?
I'm seriously asking.
Can you hold it?
And I'll pick it up at the front desk before I go up.
How about you don't even give it to me?
If it's going to demagnetize.
Standing there in the elevator, waving it in front of the sensor like a
psychopath.
Everybody gets in the elevator.
Nobody knows whose card to use.
Everybody's waving the cards frantically at the sensor.
Just trying to get up to wash their ass.
It's enough already.
Let people get killed.
If that's the other option.
Let's live with the fucking chance that someone's going to get us.
There's nine bolts on every door in a hotel.
I guess shit went down that I was not aware of in a hotel.
I guess somebody walked into a Marriott and disemboweled a family.
And nobody, I didn't realize how fucking crazy hotels are with security.
You know, I stayed in Clearwater, Florida.
They gave me a bracelet, which was cool because it's a resort.
They go, here's a little bracelet.
But again, you got to use the bracelet to get from the pool to the beach to the
lobby.
Like every layer of gate, you got to go through now.
Because apparently there's just a lot of people stealing other people's vacations.
That's what you have to believe.
There's people stealing vacations.
They're showing up to the pool and they're sitting there and they're stealing
the vacation that someone else should be having.
I get it.
I get that you need security, but there's got to be a happy medium between like
no security and feeling like we're like in the underground city under
Washington, D.C.
There's got to be, you know, a Holiday Inn Express shouldn't feel like the Illuminati
bunker under the Denver airport.
It's my point.
It, two people just walked by.
I really had enough.
We started, we started filming at this hotel.
This hotel, by the way, thinks it's the shit because Apollo 13 filmed here in
Desperate Housewives and a true romance.
So it's got a cool sign.
It looks like a 1950s, 1960s, real L.A.
You know, it's got the outdoor pool.
And it's a real cool motel, the way it looks.
And the rooms are fine.
But the attitude here is that, you know, it's this legendary, iconic place,
which is fine.
To a degree, it might be.
I don't know.
I don't think it is.
But the attitude here, I did tweet iconic the other day.
The safari Inn is a joke because it's like, what do you, it's iconic.
They call it iconic.
The fuck's iconic about it?
That it was in Coach Carter?
What the fuck are you talking about?
It's an inn.
Make the bed.
Stop.
Everybody's acting like, everybody's actin