Name: #176 - The Florida Project | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-12-01T05:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#176 - The Florida Project | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#176 - The Florida Project | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-01. Transcript available.

#176 - The Florida Project | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody, Black Friday Special.
It's the Black Friday Special.
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Major world.
There used to be a big car dealership in New York City on Northern Boulevard in
Queens.
I used to live a few blocks away, and they'd be like, and what they would do is
they would
get cars that people literally were like, they were in an accident, and they
would just
be like literally wiping the blood off a Nissan Altima, and they would bring it
on the lot,
and they'd be like, major world, come on down.
These deals are so hot.
And it's just all cars that, you know, drug dealers, you know, they would go to
like police
auto auctions and buy it or whatever.
It was just, it was wild.
It is Black Friday.
I didn't go shopping today and get anything.
You know, last night I was, we're going to tell the whole story about where I
was last
night, but one of my favorite moments last night was some guy at a bar going
like this,
going, hey, it's Black Friday.
We should go to Target.
And then everybody else at the bar turning around and going, yeah, yeah, we
should go
to Target.
And I was like, that's not a half bad idea.
He's like, I think it's a great idea.
What are you going to, you know, go in there.
Is it even, is Black Friday even still a thing to people?
I know that I've defended Black Friday because like, I know that a lot of like,
you know,
upper middle class people look down on it, but there are people out there that
fucking
need deals.
So it is what it is.
And they, you know, they need to go out and fucking, you know, swing a bike
lock around
so they could grab a fucking microwave and fucking run out of Walmart.
It is what it is.
There are people that are in that circumstance.
So I've always defended like, and I know it's crass and, you know, it's, you
know, it's
vulgar and it's, you know, it's everything that's wrong with America, but it's
like, you
know, as long as we're all living in this system, we might as well take
advantage of its dwindling
benefits.
And one of them would be, you know, at 2am going in and fucking, you know,
going into a fucking
target mosh pit and pulling out a few fucking, you know, toasters or whatever
you get.
I don't know.
A few, uh, a few backpacks for the kids.
I don't know what target even sells, but I would imagine they have those things,
you know,
I mean, every, you know, we used to grow up, you would see some, then there was
a stampede.
I think in Long Island, there was a stampede and I'm pretty sure it was a
Walmart.
And then everybody was like, we have to do some soul searching because of this
stampede
at a Walmart.
I believe, look when that stampede happened, because I'm pretty sure it was
around the
time we were kidnapping people and torturing them in underground prisons that
no, and no
one had an issue with that, but it was the Black Friday stampede that really
got, uh, 2014.
It looks like, was it 2014?
I guess it was, but I mean, people used to, but I don't even think now there's
cyber Monday
and there's other, you know, opportunities.
What a Thanksgiving I had last night.
Let me tell you, let me tell you folks, if you don't have a family, you should
be legally
prohibited from celebrating Thanksgiving because it's really not for you.
And you, I said to a friend of mine, cause you were both going to be in LA.
Now I could have flown home to be with my family, but I chose not to, uh,
because I'm going
to be back in town for Christmas.
And I'm like, I just, I'm on planes all the time.
I just can't do it.
I just can't make it happen.
So I was in LA and I said to a friend of mine, I'm like, why don't we, we can
go out
to dinner, which is you never go out on Thanksgiving.
You never, ever go out on Thanksgiving.
You do not leave your fucking house ever on Thanksgiving.
I don't know why I forgot that.
I don't know why that didn't, for whatever reason, that idea didn't register.
I'm like, well, I'm in LA and things are different and whatever, but you don't,
you sit
on your couch and you fucking eat stuffing and you, you listen to your aunt
talk, uh, you
know, talk about QAnon.
What you don't do is fucking travel.
You just don't do it.
It's just not what you should do.
And I forgot that.
And I, and I was looking at places that have Thanksgivings.
And I find this place in Calabasas, which is where like the Kardashians is out
by Malibu.
It's about an hour from my home in West Hollywood.
It's about a solid hour.
It's out there in the canyons with Kanye and fucking, you know, there's big
houses out
there and, you know, go fuck your mother money.
And they have this, uh, place called the Saddle Peak Lodge and the Saddle Peak
Lodge.
Rogan loves it.
It looks like it's got, it's got, uh, big moose heads and elk and, you know, it's
a fucking
lodge.
You know, it, it looks exactly what you think, you know, some Illuminati, you
know, Mason
lodge would look like.
And it's in Calabasas and supposedly, you know, Oh, it's good food or whatever.
So I'm like, Oh, we'll do it.
And it was hard to get in because LA's got a lot of people that came to LA and
for whatever
reason, they're still in LA and they are just, they go out to dinner because
they're either
older or they, I mean, we were looking around, we got to this rest.
First of all, it's an hour.
It's raining.
It's torrential rain.
We get into an Uber.
My friend shows up my house.
We get into a fucking Uber.
It's torrential rain.
It's a, it's 56 minutes in torrential rain in an Uber.
And by the way, it's not, it's, it's through canyons and up mountain.
It's crazy.
We think, and there's people that are, so, and we got a late reservation at 645.
So the people on the road are already drunk.
They're already coming back from things hammered.
So like the guy stopping and she's swerving in and out of lanes just to avoid
these people
that are shit faced and left their fucking family party.
So we're heading to this fucking, we're heading to this lodge in the middle of
fucking nowhere
to have a Thanksgiving.
We get there.
We get there.
And by the way, when I say this place is hidden, it's an understatement.
It is dark.
You cannot see anything.
My friend is mad.
My friend who I love, but he's like, he's a pouty bitch.
Like he's pouty.
He's one of these guys who doesn't tell you he's angry.
He pouts.
He's got the frame of a woman.
He fucks a lot of hot chicks, but he's got the frame of not now.
He's got a girlfriend, but he's got the frame of a woman.
And he acts very womanly in, and, and, and, you know, he pouts, he pouts, he whines,
he
whines and pouts, you know?
And so he's like already whining and pouts.
So as soon as we get into the fucking Uber, it's a problem.
It's so far away.
It's all right.
All right.
You know, it's far away.
We, we get there.
There is an ambulance outside.
There's a stretcher outside.
I walk in.
I tell him, I said, we have a reservation for two for 645.
The, the maitre d' or the ho, whatever.
She goes, okay.
We're having a little issue here because there's two ambulances outside and a
stretcher.
And I said, oh, that's good.
I'm having an issue too.
It's called Thanksgiving dinner and it's at 645 for two people.
That would be my issue.
And I'm, I'm glad that you're having an issue, but let's all have the issues
together.
Let me have, so she, I'm not taking no shit is what I'm saying.
If you're killing people with your food and they're leaving in stretchers, that's
clearly
not my issue.
Now, many of the people in, in, in LA, because they are demons from hell agree
with
me and they are now mad that their tables are not ready and an uncomfortable
amount of
people are now, are, are now cluttered around the maitre d' and we don't give a
fuck and
we do not care at all.
So the, the EMTs come in, they bring down this 90 year old woman who's bombed,
who's
just the white zin hitter or whatever.
And they, she's asleep and they put her on the stretcher and, and they take her
out.
By the way, this is great.
Thanksgiving.
You just show up to the restaurant and, and somebody is leaving in a stretcher.
That's it.
It's a great welcome.
Happy Thanksgiving.
So we get there.
There's this old woman on a stretcher hammered asleep.
Okay.
And, and we're having none of it because we've all been waiting 15 or 20
minutes.
I'm at, we're having none of it.
Okay.
We're mad at this woman.
We're judging her.
Somebody else.
Cause I bet she's just drunk.
And I'm like, I bet she is too.
She's just this 90 year old woman came here and she got shit faced and now she's
got,
you know, whatever.
She fell asleep at the table or whatever.
So I go to the, so after they clear the 90 year old woman out, I go back to the
hostess
and go, listen, there's clearly a table open now, right?
I mean, there's clearly, I mean, she's out.
So, and she goes, well, I don't know if her party is going to leave.
And I go, you, you don't know if her party is leaving.
They're going to sit there.
One of them just got taken out in a stretcher and they're going to sit there
and eat cranberry
sauce, kick them out, get them out of here.
And she goes, well, I don't know if they're leaving, but we'll, we'll see.
Don't worry.
We're going to set the table shortly.
It's, it's like amazing to me.
Some guys in there with a service dog, a little collie who's running around
with a service.
And I, and I said, I said to my friend, Michael, I said, God help them.
I said, if this food is not good, I am going to leave in a stretcher.
Because the reality is there's no Ubers that I, I, I, I was like, there's no
way an Uber
is going to, we're fucked.
And I'm genuinely going to call an ambulance to leave.
If I have to, I'm dead serious.
None of no, no part of me is kidding.
I'm like, I will call an ambulance and give a fake name.
Like I've done many times before.
And I will kick the door open and jump out of the ambulance and leave.
Okay.
And my Michael's getting a little uncomfortable.
Cause he knows I'm, I'm not, I'm not, no part of me is kidding.
So we finally sit down in this fucking lodge and we're looking around.
And I mean, it is, it is the damned.
It is the damned in this place.
People without families, older people.
There's like a mom with two older daughters.
You could tell the dad just died.
Like they're very sad.
And you could tell the dad just died.
There's a table of like older people.
One guy, one guy literally says loudly to the whole table of people.
He goes, I wasn't supposed to be here.
So that's the, that's the mood.
Everyone's in some people are leaving in stretchers.
So everyone knows that they're there because they failed at whatever.
You're supposed to be in a home with family.
You're not supposed to be in this lodge.
Now, now to top it off, the food is also atrocious, which is great.
It's Thanksgiving catering hall food.
It's, it's just bad.
It's just not good.
I'm sure it's a decent restaurant when it's normal.
So I'm like the food sucks.
And then of course my friend, there's this new,
thing where people start defending the restaurant.
Now, like this is happens a lot.
People now, like when I'll comment on something, people start defending the
rent.
Like my friend, Michael's like, you know, it's very hard to make food for this
amount of people.
I'm like, well then do it for free.
If it's that hard, we're, we're all paying money for this.
Figure out a way to do it.
I mean, this is, it's grotesque.
One guy just literally yells at the top of his lungs.
I swear to God in the middle of the day, he goes, it's not hot.
And then he's with some chicks