Name: Tim Dillon Sketch Compilation
Uploaded: 2019-12-03T01:45:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Sketch Compilation' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Tim Dillon Sketch Compilation' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-03. Transcript available.

If you don't think this country is a racist shithole,
look at the reaction to a black athlete joining Twitter.
OJ Simpson's a fucking legend.
He's a Heisman Trophy winner.
And you people don't like that a black guy's got things to say?
He's just supposed to be in the naked gun
and dance around like a clown for you?
This guy's wife was murdered,
probably by a racist who didn't like interracial marriage.
He's Khloe Kardashian's father.
She's the one we like, the fat one,
who's now thin but somehow still fat.
She's fat where it counts in her personality.
Thank you, OJ, for giving us one of them.
I'm sorry, Nicole Brown Simpson, and I'm sorry, Ron Goldman,
but being the victim of racism on Twitter
is worse than getting stabbed 95 times in your Brentwood home.
It just is.
It's getting stabbed every minute of every day.
After you get stabbed 90 times in your Brentwood home,
that's kind of it.
But those mentions, they keep refreshing.
This guy's wife was murdered,
probably by some alt-right psychopath.
He just wants to get on Twitter
and hold Elizabeth Warren accountable.
It's not cool.
He wants to maybe take it to Trump.
Maybe he wants to go beast mode for the resistance.
Why don't you fucking think?
I want OJ on my team.
I want him on Twitter.
I want him on Instagram.
I want him on Twitch.
I want him streaming.
I want him playing Madden on Twitch.
I want him doing podcasts.
I want him to be on My Favorite Murder and Cumbtown.
I want OJ on Cumbtown.
Listen, I'm sorry, Nicole, and I'm sorry, Ron Goldman,
but if you were here, I'd want you on Twitter too
to tell your side of the story,
which was that a racist cop murdered you
because he did not like interracial dating.
And if that's not your fucking story,
then you better fucking think about the world we live in
because I think it is your story.
I'm regretting voting for Trump,
which I did with a military ballot,
and I'm not in the military,
but I voted absentee a few times,
and then I voted at the church a few times too.
It's a Greek church.
They don't pay attention.
There's something wrong with those people, okay?
Twitter's not a space for Nazis.
It's not just Nazis.
It's got to be OJ2.
Jollibee, baby!
I love Jollibee!
Jollibee loves me!
I love the bee because the bee loves me.
Hello, sir.
Have you ever been to Jollibee?
Phenomenal.
I'm outside one of my favorite restaurants, Jollibee.
I like it because everybody that eats here is a serial killer.
I enjoy the food here because I like to test my system.
It's like Fear Factor.
They got spaghetti and chicken and hot dogs and hard-boiled eggs.
The chef is a raccoon, but it works.
They got, like, shrimp lo mein with Pop-Tarts in it,
spaghetti, cheddar cheese, nachos, fish heads.
It's like a tsunami Thanksgiving.
I think the bee is the official animal of the Philippines,
and I like the bee because it's nice.
Kids are afraid of bees.
In America, but in the Philippines, they like bees.
Bee stings are actually a badge of honor.
If you're stung by a bee, it means you're going to be fertile.
I love a Jollibee.
Thank you.
Hello.
This is actually great.
It knows what it's about because they take all of the American best foods,
like fried chicken and cups of ice,
and mix them together to make something really colorful.
Whether it's food or not will be determined later by doctors.
I like this nice little shot of gravy they give you to keep the day going.
Mmm.
I love a nice shot of gravy.
The food here works.
Like, you'd think it wouldn't work, but it actually is great.
They mash White Castle sliders into a milkshake.
They take a bed of white rice, and they just put somebody's hand on it.
They take a hot dog and deep fry it in barbecue sauce and then put it on top of
a lobster.
This is fucking cuisine.
I can't mean to shit on it.
It's the best food I've had in L.A.
Okay, fuck Echo Park and your horse shit.
Take those avocados and shove them up your ass.
Take your social media following and do something good with it.
Don't overthrow the government!
This is so good.
It's so good.
This is so good.
This is so fucking good.
Oh!
Wash it down with a little grave.
The problem with this Michael Jackson documentary is there's no fucking music
in it.
The whole thing is fucking boring.
It's all fucking interviews.
I fast-forwarded through all that shit.
I want to see the bitches.
The guy's the king of fucking pop.
You know he's fucking all the time.
He was fucking Elvis' daughter, Lisa Marie Presley.
You know Neverland Ranch was just fucking pussy?
Because they're trying to make him look like, oh, some humanitarian.
Oh, he helped sick kids.
He lets them sleep with him.
We get it.
He was a good guy.
And another thing, so there's this scene.
I was kind of half-listing.
Apparently some kid walked in on him fucking some bitch.
And the kid knows like every one of his moves, everything he was fucking doing.
It's like, what kind of sick kid sneaks into Michael's room while he's fucking
a chick?
It's kind of crazy.
That's the problem with kids.
That's why you can't help kids.
Word to the wise.
Help adults.
My name is Lou Pearlman, Uncle Lou.
There's a lot of ungrateful twinks running around whose careers I fucking made,
tarnishing my name.
I taught Lance Bass how to read.
I'm so mad I'm in hell.
Do you know how easy it is to fuck the kids now?
They come in drugged.
You don't even have to drug them.
Little Zen couldn't testify against me.
He doesn't even know if he's alive.
I missed a whole fucking boat.
I could get five junkies, put them in purple onesies, and write a song called
Yo.
You think it's easy putting together boy bands?
I got stuck in a bear trap on Justin Bieber's property.
Oh, I was inappropriate with the kids?
I was inappropriate with the fucking...
Listen, those guys are lucky I didn't fuck them.
I never touched Joey Fatone, and neither did anybody else.
So I embezzled some fucking money.
Bye, bye, bye.
Every now and then I'd take my towel off to show the boys what the business was
really like.
Great thing about hell, no fucking nosy parents.
If I was alive today, I'd put little Zen on a hero and make a club sandwich out
of him.
Every time you donate a dollar to the children's hospital, I get that.
Behind me is the economy of Los Angeles, California.
There's a security guard here patrolling this pink wall.
You know where they don't have a security guard?
My mother's a nursing home.
You can go in there, fuck them, rob them, they don't care.
But we treat our influencers with respect.
The women behind me all have doctorates in political economy from Harvard.
Thousands of tourists every day come and they stand in front of this pink wall.
And nobody shoots them in the face.
Mr.
Ladies, this is a news broadcast.
I had a couple of great conversations here about Infinite Jest, which they
think is a vape
shop up the street.
This is LA's version of the 9-11 memorial.
Nobody here is afraid of ISIS because the people here think ISIS is a smoothie.
Everybody here is hiding behind levels and layers of irony.
No one's really taking photos in front of this pink wall.
It's a satire on late-stage capitalism.
But take your tits out just in case.
Anderson, you're a homosexual and I have no problem with that.
Because over the summer, a man in Munich paid me to defecate on him.
I was confused at first, but then he explained to me it was about protecting
the nation state.
Which is what Donald Trump was trying to do.
His election was a revolt against a permanent political class in this country.
He was elected to cleanse the political class.
Put him on a train.
Take him for a shower.
The Chinese are smarter than us.
They have a song called Baby Shark.
Baby Shark.
Listen to the words, Anderson.
Mommy Shark.
Grandpa Shark.
They're preparing people for a world where there are no borders.
That's why I respect Casio Cortez.
She's standing up for her people.
People that sell mangoes on the street.
I like those mangoes.
What do they put?
A paprika on them?
I never understood that.
Well, there have been some pretty rough S&M shit in Dusseldorf.
But as I was being whipped in that dungeon, I explained people that language
matters.
Culture matters.
Anderson, my mother was a gun.
My mother took her own life last year.
And before I called the police, I tried a few moves on her, you know?
She's not going to mind.
Suplex.
I think she was probably looking down.
Pretty proud of me.
It's pretty badass.
I love wrestling.
My mom, she was fucking, she was funny.
She would come up to me sometimes and burn me with her cigarette in the back of
my head.
But I was watching wrestling, so I didn't even feel it until it got really hot.
I remember my best friend when I was growing up, a kid named Tommy.
We used to just fucking, we used to watch Wrestlemania and go fucking crazy.
And then his mother drowned him in a bathtub.
My name is Lena Dunham, and I want to respond to all the critics who are angry
at me, Steven Spielberg, and J.J. Abrams.
Not really angry at them, but angry at me, because I'm a woman, because I'm
adapting a beautiful novel called A Hope Something.
And it's about Syria.
And people say, what do you have in common with a refugee?
I am a refugee.
I have been treated worse on Twitter than people in Syria have been treated.
But I'm not going to hold that over their head.
I'm making a show about this novel.
It's about a Syrian refugee who moves in with three of her best refugee friends
in Williamsburg.
One is British, one is trans.
They open a trendy pizzeria.
And it's about the struggles of young millennial Syrians in Brooklyn trying to
realize their gender identity.
So stop fucking yelling at me.
Yes, I will use a skin toner that will dye my skin brown.
Yes, I will go live in Damascus for a week.
And yes, I will absorb the culture.
Will I join ISIS?
Yes.
I am a revolutionary.
Leave me the fuck alone.
Netflix, nobody needed making a murder of season two.
They're all guilty, okay?
Spoiler alert.
They're all guilty.
The whole fucking family.
Here's some facts that haven't been reported.
Steven's brother's name is Earl.
That's a problem, okay?
There's a 10-gallon fucking drum of non-dairy creamer on the kitchen table.
What are they doing?
What are the chances that's filled with heroin?
What, are they drinking coffee all day in that salvage yard?
They live in a level from Donkey Kong country.
They all drive around in mine carts.
You know they're all fucking each other.
Their family's a problem.
Stop trying to spring him from prison.
Brendan Dassey doesn't even know he's in prison.
Let him be.
He's fine.
And Catherine Zellner, the fucking attorney,
she looks like she could have been an Avery,
but she got another chromosome and she graduated fifth grade.
But she looks like she's swimming around in the same gene pool.
I don't trust any of these fucking people.
Guilty!
What else is going on in the news?
Roseanne's canceled.
If you want me to make another Roseanne, I will.
Patreon me.
I will make a Roseanne show that'll be better than her show.
I don't give a shit.
What is it her show about?
She's fucking fat and she eats dinner.
Who gives a shit?
Fine.
You want me to be racist and eat dinner?
I'll do it.
Send me money on PayPal and I'll make Roseanne.
I'll play Roseanne and John Goodman.
And I'll get that snarky Doria bitch to sit there, whatever her name is.
I don't give a shit.
And say funny stuff.
Like, meh, meh, meh.
Who gives a shit?
I'll do it.
I am Roseanne.
You don't need, this is Roseanne.
It's not canceled.
It's right here.
Give me money.
I need help.