Name: #177 - Sober December | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-12-08T05:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#177 - Sober December | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#177 - Sober December | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-08. Transcript available.

#177 - Sober December | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Thank you to all the people on Instagram that have reached out to me
that are gay but also Nazis that are very excited that there's a gay guy out
there
that doesn't make being gay his whole thing.
And it's real fun.
Some of those messages I get, people are like,
listen, hey, I just want to let you know I'm a gay guy.
I'm also a Nazi, and I just want to reach out
because it's very important that, well, I'm kidding, of course,
but you do get a lot of messages from a lot of different people out there.
You don't know who they are.
You don't know who's a fucking fed.
There's some feds in my inbox, probably.
I don't know.
Keeping tabs on me.
Maybe not.
Some dude who looks like a fucking hot lacrosse player,
but it's really a 58-year-old in fucking Virginia in an FBI office
just fucking trying to figure out the inner workings of my mind
so they can co-op me
and weaponize me.
The Irishman is a real movie.
Finally, a real movie.
I love the best Facebook status I read about The Irishman
is a guy being like,
you're not going to get it if you're not from certain parts of the East Coast.
Jersey, New York, Philly.
That's why people don't like it.
They're not from these parts.
Yeah.
It's a guy that spent his life working at Blockbuster.
He identifies with The Irishman,
the movie about Hoffa.
A lot of strong opinions out there in the world.
We're in the month of December, folks.
December is such a,
as my boomer father would say,
good man, as he would say,
it's so fast.
It all goes by so fast.
Which it does when you're destroying the world.
It tends to,
it's,
it's,
it accelerates
when you're using up all of the resources.
Yeah.
It just goes so fast.
That's all my dad would say at holiday parties.
You know, he'd go,
where does the time go?
Where does it go?
You know,
it goes to mortgage crises.
And it goes to trillions of dollars worth of debt.
You know,
that's where it goes.
It is a fun month.
I'm traveling a lot.
I'm going to the East Coast a lot.
Try to link up with people.
Somebody did this to me the other day,
which I don't love.
They do the,
the dinner sneak,
where they go,
hey,
you want to do dinner?
And I go,
yeah.
and they go,
oh,
great.
So-and-so is going to come.
And I'm like,
no,
no,
they're not going to come.
You don't do that.
You,
you don't ever DM somebody or text somebody and go,
hey,
let,
you want to go to dinner?
Cause that's a solo invite.
Two people dinner is different than dinner with me and,
and,
and somebody else.
It's a different game.
When you bring somebody else to the dinner,
three people dynamic,
unless you all know each other.
Well,
the dynamic changes.
So you got to be upfront and go,
hey,
would you like to do dinner with me and blank?
Not,
Hey,
you want to do dinner?
I'm under the impression it's just with you.
And then you bring in a demon from hell.
And then I have to sit there and eat Caesar salad with,
uh,
you know,
I don't know,
but it's just,
it's not right.
Be upfront.
These two cats are fighting again,
man.
They always fucking fight.
I don't know what it is.
There's a lot of hostility.
These are not my cats.
I'm living in a home in Los Angeles where,
uh,
the woman that I rent from has abandoned the home.
She has gone to New York to live,
which is fine.
I'm renting.
It's a good deal.
It's by the comedy clubs.
It's right in the,
in central,
you know,
LA in,
in a nice area.
I don't want to tell you really where it is because fucking,
I don't need people knocking on my door,
trying to tell me about QAnon.
Okay.
Well,
I'm waiting for Postmates,
but what they've done is they've left the two cats here and they,
all they talk about is how much they love the cats.
They love the animals,
but they've abandoned them.
They've abandoned the animals that they supposedly love.
And,
and her and her daughter,
I mean,
they,
they all,
you know,
when you bring up,
they go,
Oh,
is the cat?
Okay.
Is the cat?
Okay.
Well,
come see it or take it,
get it out of here.
And when one of the cats dies,
which will happen,
they're going to be,
there's going to be crying and people are going to be upset.
But it's like,
if you care about the animals,
be here for the animals.
We've overdosed in this country on animals,
dogs and cats.
If you are young and you're in your twenties and you want to accomplish
anything,
which most of you don't,
but if you truly do,
you should not have dogs or cats.
I'm telling you right now,
and this is going to be unpopular with a lot of you because a lot of you stop
fighting.
A lot of you,
I don't know what they're fighting over resources.
There's enough here to get it.
They're like territorial over the litter box.
Cats are so disgusting.
The litter box always smells like shit.
Cat food smells bad.
Cats are filthy creatures.
They're,
they're like mops.
You know,
they just soak up all the dirt and the dust.
Things live on them,
fleas and ticks and God only knows there's a whole fucking ecosystem living on
these beasts.
And dogs are not much better,
folks.
They're not much better.
And I know a lot of you are going to get angry right now because you don't want
to hear this.
You don't want to hear this.
This is Tim Dillon's holiday message.
Are you ready for it?
Because I don't shy away from controversy.
I,
Kyle Kashuv on the Patreon.
He's the Parkland kid that wants more guns.
And he says the N word and he lets it fly on Xbox live.
And he,
I had him in my home and I bought him sushi.
And that ungrateful fuck didn't say thank you.
And I should have opened some hot lead into his abdomen and see how he liked it.
Cause I spent a hundred dollars on a sushi platter and I got three pints of ice
cream from salt and straw,
which was another 50 fucking dollars where your Patreon money goes is feeding
this fucking Jew.
Furthermore,
he comes into the house.
He shits on Ben for vaping.
Ben does vape a lot,
but he's made a lot of positive changes in his life.
And he doesn't need to hear shit from this little kid.
Okay.
Who's famous because he accidentally didn't get killed.
And so we have,
he's yelling at Ben for vaping and poor Ben gets really mad.
And Ben never gets mad at anybody,
but Ben's like,
Hey man,
you know,
I used to smoke cigarettes and drink and now I just vape.
And it's like,
Ben,
don't let this little prick get under your skin.
Ben,
can you get the,
I think that the,
the poke bowl is here.
That's not a euphemism for crack.
That's a literal poke bowl.
Just sit it on the table.
I'll get to it later.
Uh,
the key to the poke bowl folks is a Sriracha ponzu.
You gotta,
the Sriracha,
what is it?
Sriracha?
It's not Sriracha,
right?
It's Sriracha.
Yeah,
that's the move.
But anyway,
so Kashuv gets here and we also have Sam Tripoli for an hour.
Uh,
you know,
talking about,
uh,
QAnon and Frazzle trip and,
you know,
talking about the Hillary Clinton,
uh,
kid cookbook.
So that'll be out too.
You're missing a lot by not,
I'm really giving a,
a,
a fucking,
I'm really giving a great,
uh,
unsubscribe from the Patreon pitch right here.
So Kashuv gets here.
He starts,
then he starts shitting on Oscar because Oscar's fat and everyone knows Oscar
from
Instagram.
He's the fat cat.
I'm like,
number one,
Oscar,
if you shave him,
he's not that fat.
He's not morbidly obese.
He's a fat cat because cats are supposed to be fat.
And then Kashuv's like,
no,
animals aren't supposed to be fat.
It's not natural.
I'm like,
what about elephants,
bears,
whales,
pant?
There's a lot of fucking animals that should be fat.
Kashuv,
you know,
it all little prick.
Who's 18 years old.
Doesn't,
he doesn't know anything.
Sweet kid,
but he was really testing us last night and he comes in here and he just
fucking
starts popping off.
calling me a boomer because he says I don't text right.
It's just out of control.
No respect.
No respect.
Okay.
So my point folks about the animals is,
and this is my,
and this is what I mean.
I don't shy away from controversy.
We bring it to you raw,
uncensored.
I go out Kashuv.
Now,
some of you are going to be mad at me because I ask him,
I push him on his narrative because he's like,
you know,
guns,
guns,
guns.
You know,
we wish you a Merry Christmas.
Here is an AK 47.
And I know that every time I push back a little,
I go,
wait a minute.
Is there a better way to do it?
All of you get mad because you think,
oh,
you're a Hollywood chill.
You're being paid.
No one's taking your guns.
What I'm saying is if anyone comes on the show and say,
I'm going to push back at what they're saying.
Number one,
because it doesn't necessarily make a good episode to agree with somebody.
It's actually not a good episode,
but many of you are too insecure in your own beliefs.
So all you do is listen to people that you agree with already because your,
your lives are meaningless.
So you just turn on whatever garbage that someone will agree with you already,
because you just want to hear that you're right.
So you can go back to your loveless home and choke down a pork chop and then go
to sleep,
knowing that you're in the right.
You're on the right side of history,
pal.
So yeah,
I do have questions about guns.
I do think there's a better way to do it.
You should make guns harder to get.
You shouldn't take them away,
but you should make them harder to get.
No,
they're already hard to get.
Well,
shut up.
They're not as hard as they should be.
I think most people would agree with that.
Most sober,
rational people would agree with that.
So I pushed back a little bit of Kashuv.
Okay.
I know that online you're all psychopaths.
Most people are in the center.
Most people don't care.
Most people don't want to,
you know,
you know,
rehabilitate Stalin or Hitler.
That's just not what they do.
They're sitting in a cubicle with little Christmas cards on it.
They have a family.
They're just trying to get by.
They're not into,
you know,
you know,
fucking,
you know,
the extremes.
I talk to people all the time and it's like some people just online all day,
every fucking day.
Take a walk.
You know,
take a walk.
But we have Kashuv on here.
And now that Kashuv's been here,
I think everyone should have a gun and most people should get shot.
I'm now pro school shootings because I've interviewed him.
I want no gun restrictions.
I want everybody that wants a gun to have a gun.
And I want,
I want schools to be shot up randomly.
So because these fucking 18 year olds,
this kid comes over here,
this sushi doesn't say thank you.
There's no thank you.
Anyway,
the point I'm saying about the dogs and cats,
here's,
here's what I'm saying about dogs and cats for Christmas.
If you're having a Christmas event at your house,
have the decency to put your dog or cat to sleep before you have your family
there.
Put them down.
Put them down.
Especially if you don't have a big home.
If your home is not already impressive.
If it's not,
nobody wants to smell the dog or the cat,
the mangy,
put them down,
put them to sleep.
And I know it's a controversial message.
Put your animals to sleep and focus on yourself.
You made a mistake.
Learn to love yourself.
Get rid of the dog.
Get rid of the cat.
They do not love you.
They just want food.
Yes,
they're fun to have when you have a certain,
when you've reached something in life,
they're fun to have.
But when you're struggling,
you got to get people to watch.
Do you know how many people I see online that have people watch their dog?
Can you watch my dog?
There's a whole industry of people that bring losers in to watch their animals.
Kill them.
Put them down.
Get rid of them.
It's if you cannot handle the responsibility of having an animal,
get rid of it.
You are giving yourself an excuse to be a loser.
I can't do it.
My dog,
my cat.
You've adopted another person,
another life form that's going,
that is needy,
just like yourself.
You're needy.
You need someone to come 