Name: #179 - Sal Vulcano | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-12-22T05:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#179 - Sal Vulcano | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#179 - Sal Vulcano | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-22. Transcript available.

#179 - Sal Vulcano | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, it is Tim Dillon and welcome to the Tim Dillon Show
Christmas episode.
We're very, very excited. We're bringing you a special treat. We're taking a
famous 20-minute rant
from the Patreon archives called My Last Christmas, which is about why I
decided to retire
from spending the holidays with my family. Only partially retire. I do go back
occasionally
for holidays, but it's really just kind of this kind of epic rant that a lot of
people connected
with about really trying to get rid of your family and friends and trying to
level up.
That's what the holidays to me are about. Thinking about what you have in your
life and what you can
get rid of, who you can get rid of, how fast you can do it, and how quickly you
can leave those people
in the dust and ascend to higher levels. That's what I believe the holidays are
about. They're about
taking stock of where you are and who you are and trying to change both of
those things dramatically
and immediately, if possible. So I did this rant and it was about a Christmas
that I had
and it was a Christmas that shook me to the core. It made me realize that it
was time to enter a new
phase of my life and a lot of people have connected with it. So we hope you
enjoy it. If you don't enjoy
it, it's probably because you're threatened by it because you know I'm right.
Or maybe you are
one of these people that I don't understand that thinks the holidays are about
togetherness
and just making do with what you have. A lot of people feel that way. They're
like, the holidays
are just about being grateful and thankful for what you have. Shut the fuck up.
That's not what they're
about. They're about saying, I want more. Okay? Enough. Stop lying to yourself
and others. Stop denying
yourself. You're an animal. You're on earth. You're an animal. Now, obviously,
there's maybe some divinity.
You have the ability to reason. You know, maybe there is a God. Maybe you can,
I'm not saying you have to
stay an animal, but you have, you know, you have instincts. You have, there's a
nature to you.
You want things. There's nothing wrong with that. Stop denying yourself the
pleasures of getting rid of
people. The holidays are just about looking around and saying, thanks, thank
you for this shitty job
and this even shittier family. No, they're not. The holidays are about driving
by a big, beautiful
house with a big, beautiful wreath on the door and a big, beautiful Christmas
tree and looking at
that house and going, I want that. I want that. I want that warmth, that
security and that safety,
and I deserve it. And you know what? A lot of the people in my life right now
aren't helping me get
that. So you know what I'm going to do? I'm going to pretend I don't know them
because our
friendship's based on mutually assured destruction, that we both destroy each
other. And my family is
just based on, we're just a bunch of people don't know. We don't know what the
hell we're doing
anymore. We're all just staring at each other. Some of that's nice, but the
majority of it isn't.
And we know that. We're eating garbage food and sweatpants. We're phoning it in.
We're throwing
a lot of good money after bad. So that's what the holidays have always symbolized
to me. And I know
people have all kinds of different views about it, and I don't hold that
against anyone. But the
reality is the holidays are about, it's a quarterly review for your life. It's
the end of the fiscal year
or the quarter or whatever. And you say to yourself, listen, let me figure it
out. Let me figure it out.
And that's what the holidays are about. Looking around at people going, who's
essential, who's
not? So that's the first part of the episode. Second part of the episode, we
talked to the
great Sal Vulcano is one of the impractical jokers. It is the most successful,
you know,
whatever you want to call it, prank show, which they're not really fans of that
name. They don't
like reality show either. You know, it has elements of a game show, but it is a
hybrid. It's a few
different genres. And it's one of the most successful shows in the last decade.
It's a
worldwide phenomenon. Those guys sell out arenas all over the world. And they
all experience success
in their late, in their mid-30s. Very interesting story about how they came
together, how long they
all worked day jobs, how long before they started making money. And then just,
you know, the show
growing into the fucking powerhouse that it is today, where it's a worldwide
sensation and everybody
knows about it. And Sal's an insanely famous person. When I've gone out with
him to dinner,
people always recognize him. It's really insane, especially in New York City.
But pretty much,
I'm sure, wherever he goes, there are people out there. So it's very
interesting talking to him about
that. So that's really the episode today. We have those two things happening.
Is this our final
episode of the year, Ben? No, we have one coming out on the 20th, on the 30th,
I think.
Because fucking month sucks. Yeah.
We can't, as my father said, can't get ahead. Can't get ahead. They're always
trying to get you.
They'll get you. Can't get ahead. I spent a lot of time. We've released a Boomer
Christmas video
that's funny. Spent a lot of time with the boomers over the last week. They're
great people. And they're
very fascinating to me. Because what's great about the boomers is, and I've
talked to different boomers
from different tax brackets all over the place, different locations, the sense
of injustice that they all
have about the things that they've been denied, who I love. Just, they're just,
they're somehow all victims.
Many of them have inherited homes. Victims. You know? Because then you got to
renovate those homes.
What a project. Many of them, you know, worked at one company for 40 years.
That's not going to happen
anymore to anyone we know. And I'm not saying these people should be derided,
but I'm just saying,
I love the idea that it's like, still like, oh, it's rough, man. It's rough. It's
been rough.
You have no idea how rough it's going to get. So it's a really, it's a really
fun episode. And maybe
you like it. Maybe you don't. Subscribe to the Tim Dillon Show. Rate, review,
leave a five-star
rating. We do appreciate that. Tell friends and family. Thanks to everyone who
bought the shirt.
Send us photos of you in the shirt. We'll put it up unless you're completely
hideous. We're kidding.
We'll put it up even if you're hideous. Doesn't matter. Unless you're like deformed.
If you're
like elephant man. Well, actually, if you are elephant man, we will put it up.
Like if you
are deformed, we'll put it up. If you're just kind of regular ugly, I don't
know that it helps
me or you, but if you're really good looking or deformed, I'd like one of the
extremes. I don't
need you to just be like plain Jane, you know, but you know, let me know. Let
me know how you feel
folks. Send me the, uh, send me the photos. Also live dates. A lot of them
coming up, timdilloncomedy.com
all over the place. We're going to Austin, Texas, uh, in January. We're going
to Magooby's January in
Baltimore, Maryland. We're going up to Toronto coming back to Caroline's in New
York city in March
headlining those rooms. So please check out timdilloncomedy.com. All the links
for tickets
are on the website. Enjoy the episode. We'll be back. We got another episode
coming on Patreon
with Luke Radowski, the guy who stormed Epstein's Island in the Virgin Islands.
He's going to come on
the show. Also, we have Patreon is coming up with always the great Ray Kump and,
um, you know, folks
we'll have more shirts working on a Megan McCain shirt that could be epic, but
it's got to be done
the right way. It's got to be done the right way. I know somebody that knows
her. They were with her
the other night. She's not a fan of me. Understandable. And, uh, we're working
on that. We are working on
that. Be great to do Rogan with her, me as her, her, as her, Joe as Joe. Fun
times. When does this
come out? Oh, tonight? Merry Christmas, everybody. Happy New Year. Happy Kwanzaa.
Happy Hanukkah.
Happy winter solstice. Happy fucking holiday. Whatever the Saturn is are. Sam
Tripoli will know what
holiday they fucking celebrate. Happy holidays.
Somebody on little St. James is singing like in that Robert Goulet voice. Happy
holidays.
Fucking wild fucking world we live in, man. It's truly unhinged to an alarming
degree.
Really is not much can be done. This is how the boomers become the boomers. By
the way,
I'm going to become the same thing. People are going to come to me in, you know,
20 years,
if I'm still around and they'll be like, Hey, the fuck's going on. I'll be like,
can't get ahead.
They're always trying to get you. They're going to be like, satanic pedophiles
run the whole
government. I'm going to be like, not good. Got to make time to golf. Hit, hit
the ball a little bit.
Play nine. Take some time. They can be like, aren't you outraged? Be like,
buddy,
we were outraged years ago. We were outraged decades ago, but then we decided
that there's
not really much left to do except eat meatballs and wait for death.
Got to take a moment for yourself. You know,
I'll, you know, whatever, I'll be going to see whatever act is like an old act,
but that time
I'm like, I'm going to see Lizzo. She's on a comeback tour. You know, she lost
a foot
diabetes, but she's back. She's playing the hits.
So that's it folks. That's what's going to happen. Boomers weren't born boomers.
They became them.
And I understand. And I, it's, you know, all these politically active people
that are on the right and
the left, far right, far left, they're going to realize that the system's just
going to crush them
like everybody else. Don't call it a black pill. You stupid fucks. Oh, you're
still black pulling.
It's not a black pill. It's the pill.
It's the only pill. Go get a fucking life. Go get married. Have kids. Do
whatever you want to do.
Don't cocoon yourself on Twitter with another, with a bunch of losers. It's not
going to work.
The revolution's not coming. Shut up. Go find something to fucking do.
I'm not saying don't be, you know, concerned, don't care, but care about real
people in real life.
Fucking jump on the hashtags. Shut up. Get a life. How about 2020? You get a
fucking life.
Stop talking about Elizabeth Warren and Donald Trump. They don't care about you.
It doesn't matter to them. You're a statistic on a sheet. You can take care of
yourself. You'd be
eaten alive. It's the truth. You don't want to think like that. You think your
tweet's going to save you?
You think one of these sociopaths who spends their time eating children is
going to turn around and
like you? You think you're going to send them a letter about your papa don't
work at the factory?
And they're going to be, oh, I got this letter about a baby. Shut up. Grow up.
You've grown up.
Go to Washington, D.C. Walk around. It's all demons from hell. It's all it is.
All the people that
write about politics, talk about politics, their soul, these are kids who've
never been invited to
parties. They've never had any fun. They've never laughed. They're like drones.
They've had their
souls replaced by teleprompters and fucking listicles. These peoples. You look
in their eyes. There's
nothing there. They just go on MSNBC or Fox and they spout inane nonsense. And
you people, oh,
look what this one said. Look what that one said. No, no. Get a fuck. Go be
somebody.
Go start a fucking drug business or become a crisis actor. Go fake terrorist
attacks.
Go do something real. You know, we will be, I'll be putting out on the Patreon
an article about the
Boston Marathon bombing. If you want to talk to your family over the weekend
about something.
Merry Christmas. Why can't we hear from Dokar Zarnayev?
Happy holidays.
Why does Dokar Zarnayev not able to give an interview? Is it because the FBI
used him and his
brother as informants and then said they didn't know who they were and that
they probab