Name: #180 - History Hyenas | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2019-12-29T05:00:12.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#180 - History Hyenas | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-29. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#180 - History Hyenas | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2019-12-29. Transcript available.

#180 - History Hyenas | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers.
Mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
Yeah, no, you can afford it. We see your Patreon. You're doing good.
I'm doing okay, but it's like, you know, listen, there's no middle ground in
New York.
You either go big, or it is what, you know?
Yeah.
There is, like...
Are we podcasting?
Yeah, we're on. We're on right now.
This is Tim DeLoreanaz Pop, Chris DiStefano, take two, this is going out.
Yes.
So everybody behave.
We think it's going out.
This is going out.
You can't make a declaration like that at the beginning.
When this kid, when you're a producer, what's his name, Ray?
Ben.
Ben, when he opened the door, I almost kissed him right on the lips.
Yeah.
I mean, this kid opened the door, and I said, is this my Grindr date?
I understand why Sal Vulcano wants to get inside you.
Yeah, I mean, it was awkward.
When Sal stopped the episode, I was like, this guy's a hottie.
I know, I love it.
So I was like, I could get him work.
I get it.
He's got a model.
I said, here's what he's going to do.
He's going to be an audio engineer.
Yeah, let's make a right turn so we can release this episode.
Yeah, let's send him in and we already can't release it.
Here's the deal.
Your last hotel room that we did a podcast, it was 9-11.
9-11.
Room 9-11 in the Carlisle.
Now your hotel room is 2001.
2001.
I don't know what that means, but I think you had something to do with fucking
9-11.
It's very interesting.
You're absolutely right about that.
There's something odd about that.
9-11 and then 2001.
That's fucking creepy.
It's weird.
It's almost like the government is following you and they-
Well, we just decided.
We were going to do a video on Epstein's Island.
We just decided not to.
Yeah.
I thought about it.
I just thought about it.
I said, you know what?
Why poke the bear?
No, but here's the deal.
Nothing's going to happen to you.
You don't know that.
No, the guys who, the secret service agents or whatever fucking NSA people are
listening
to your podcast or whatever, they love it.
Right.
So it's like, they just not going to do anything to you.
I mean, those are the guys-
They enjoy it.
It's for them.
Yeah, when you said I was sitting in Long Island with a mound of coke and a car
saying
we need to, listening to Rush Limbaugh saying we need to honor our contract to
the people
of Iraq, they were going like, this guy is going nowhere.
Sorry, boss.
We'll pretend to follow him, but it's because we're protecting him.
Yeah, we need him.
This guy, but we were going to do a video.
My friend works in the Virgin Islands.
We were going to do a video.
We're going to roll up to Epstein's Island and just hop off and do a little
video in front
of that temple where God only knows what he was doing in there.
And then I thought about it and I'm like, this kid's getting mad.
He's married in five months.
Yeah.
Some other kid wants to come and film.
I said, I can't lead these fucking kids.
Wait a second.
Did you get a call from his mom like in the movie Almost Famous?
Oh, yeah.
Where they're going like, just make sure my son is safe, okay?
Keep him safe.
I don't know what you're doing with your rock star lifestyle, but you can't
bring my son
to Epstein's Island for work.
Yeah.
No, I didn't.
But I just didn't want to watch him get pushed off a cliff by a groundskeeper
on Epstein's
Island and then have to fucking go tell his fiancee, like, I'm sorry.
He was great.
He was a great editor.
Yeah.
He really understood what I was about comedically.
Yeah.
And here's the other thing.
I don't want to believe that the world is run by pedophiles, but let's be
honest.
There's harder things to prove.
You know?
There's harder things to disprove than that.
Yeah.
Right.
You would have a real hard time proving that that wasn't at least partially
true.
Yeah.
Something happens when you climb up the ladder of power that just sort of unlocks
a very
dark sexual lust.
Something's there.
It's like the top level of Mario Brothers.
Well, yeah.
And it's like you get there and it's not a princess.
It's just like an illegal little boy.
Well, because what excites you anymore?
Right.
You know what I mean?
You've done everything.
You've done it.
Like, I know for a fact when John Travolta first started to become famous or he
was just
having sex with women and then he had sex with all the women and then it
started to be
like, only guys are going to excite me.
And I'm going to be honest with you, Tim.
I'm getting close.
Right.
I'm getting close to that level two.
Well, you've fucked a lot of chicks.
I fucked a lot of chicks.
You might want to just slow it down.
Well, yeah.
Chlamydia slowed it down.
Jesus intervened.
He took the wheel and it was drippy.
So I'm on meds now, but I feel good.
Yeah.
So I have to slow it down nature-wise.
But my point is, is that if you gave a guy like me, I'm a nice person.
I'm told by my peers.
I'm a nice person.
I love, you know, my daughter.
I love God.
But if you gave me hundreds of millions of dollars and gave me this power.
It's a real problem.
I may start to do things-
Who knows?
Like Giannis was commenting on how beautiful a horse is.
We saw a horse walking by because we're in fucking Midtown.
And he said, don't you think, now you can see how easy it is for a person to
get attracted
to a horse.
Yeah.
And I said, absolutely not, Chris.
Right.
Because I don't see that.
Because there's so much pussy and so much Latina ass that I'm like, what about
the horse?
I like the horse.
Right, right.
Yeah.
So something happens-
And I'm looking at you, Ray.
You keep fucking tickling that mustache.
It's going to-
Yeah.
Yeah.
Just know your fiance, yeah.
You're going to get a load on your back.
That's why AOC is right.
She's right.
Mao, Stalin, AOC, they're all right.
Yeah.
Nobody should have that much money or power.
Yeah.
He was comparing AOC to Stalin in the car.
We got to knock them down a little bit.
We need to take a little bit of the money.
Yeah.
We need to take a little bit of money.
Yeah.
You got to fuck kids in a hotel.
Yeah.
You can't have an island.
Yeah.
You can't have your own island.
No.
No.
You can't have your own island.
You got to rein it in.
Right.
Do it in room 2001 at the Manhattan Club.
It's been going-
Because this carpet's disgusting.
I had to go downstairs and start screaming, going, what is good?
Do people come in and jerk off on the carpet when I'm out?
Yeah.
Something's going on.
This place smells like a hostel.
Yeah.
No, it's not night.
It was $1.40 a night.
Yeah.
And-
That's crazy that Midtown is that cheap.
It's cheap.
Downtown is where the big prices are.
Yeah, that's what it is.
That's where hedge fund managers are bringing their harem.
Yeah.
It used to be up here and now it's moved downtown.
Used to be up here.
Yeah.
Chinese businessmen used to be up here.
Yeah.
No, now they're downtown and I'm up here.
Podcasting is going on up here.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
And they confuse Norwegian tourists.
Yeah.
You know?
Yeah.
So, like, I'm here for a bit.
I'm here for, like, a 10-day thing.
It's like, you got to try to stay under 200 if you're going to be here 10 days.
Why don't you go stay with your family on Long Island?
You don't want to deal with that.
Because they're boomers and they're fucking out there complaining about
something.
I mean, they're complaining about inheriting houses.
Yeah.
This is where my family's at now.
Yeah.
They're inheriting homes and they can't handle it because they got to renovate
them.
Yeah.
It's too much of a project.
Yeah.
You get over 30, you cannot stay with your family.
You can barely stay with friends unless they're very wealthy and have, like, a
wing of their house.
When you're over 30, the sleepovers are done.
I wake up with crippling anxiety.
Like, we're all crazy.
Right.
I can't wake up in somebody else's fucking home at 2 a.m.
I'm like, oh, God.
Yeah.
I go to sleep at 3 a.m.
Just so I know my first wake up with anxiety is during the day.
Yeah.
Right.
So I can go right back to bed.
Yeah.
I can't wake up at 1.30 with anxiety.
I just can't look out to the dark.
Yeah.
So I go to bed at 2.30 every night.
I wake up at, like, 5.30.
I'm like, well, the day's almost here.
Today, the sun will save us.
And then I go back to bed for another four hours.
Right.
I just can't be in somebody else's home.
Yeah.
No, my family's at my house right now for Christmas.
And it's a little, like, Giannis, I'm in rare form because I've been off women
now for a month.
I've been celebrating a month.
And already, it's like the anxiety.
I've been like, I got to text girls.
I got to text girls.
But I've just-
But Eckhart Tolle told you to be friendly with your present.
But Eckhart Tolle, I've been reading The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle.
Beautiful.
But that also includes, at times, like, to get the anxiety out.
I can't have sex with women, so I went down to Shore Road in Bay Ridge, and I
yelled racial slurs at the water.
And that gets it out too.
And that gets it out.
One way or the other.
You got to get it out.
Yeah.
You got to get it out.
And you see, my Long Island family will just say those racial slurs very calmly
on their couch.
This is what I love.
Yeah.
Very sweet and, like, syrup-y.
This is what I love about boomers in Long Island, right?
It's a specific type of boomer.
Explain a boomer one more time to me.
Explain a boomer.
A baby boomer.
Okay.
They were born after World War II when we needed to replenish the population,
and people started pushing out people.
They believed in, you know, the suburban home.
Suburbs were invented.
So my mom's a boomer.
When America went downhill was after World War II.
Even when you get real estate, everyone asks, is this a pre-war building?
Because they made shit good then.
Right.
And then after World War II, they just threw up cardboard boxes to sell an
American dream that doesn't exist.
Right.
And Long Island is like the paradise of that dream.
It's like a microcosm of what it looks like all across the country.
It's a disaster.
It's strip malls.
It's Panera Breads.
It's holding buzzers to get tables at dinner at Outback Steakhouse.
Got it.
It's all an illusion.
There's nothing good about it.
And that's, by the way, those are the positive qualities.
Yeah, those are the positive qualities.
The negative qualities are my football coach fucked me.
I'm on heroin.
I'm like, but your mother's a boomer, but she's a city kid, right?
She's a city.
Born and raised Queens, New York.
Different.
Listen, a true boomer to me, and this means nothing.
It's just my own, my concept of them in the mind is the suburbs.
So true boomer, like if you're in New York or Queens or Brooklyn, or even like
if you're in LA to an extent,
even though it's the suburbs, or if you live in Chicago, yes, you're still a
boomer.
But to me, the real boomer experience is the suburbs.
Yeah.
Your parents moved out of a city.
Your grandparents probably grew up in a city.
They got out.
They live in the suburbs.
You stayed in the suburbs.
You were raised in the suburbs.
By the way, it was all a market.
The modern American dream was all a marketing ploy by the auto lobby.
Right.
And they capitalize on the white need to stay away from minorities.
Right.
And then their kids realized, oh no, the minorities were all the funnest.
Right.
Because when you sit in an Applebee's bar.
Right.
And like, you know, and journey comes on.
Right.
And white people start swaying.
Yeah.
You want to put a gun in your mouth.
Yeah.
It's not fun.
You're like, where's the salsa club?
Yeah.
Where's Q-tip DJing?
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know?
Get me out of here.
I applaud the millennials who are moving back.
Yeah.
It's just get rid of the wokeness.
Right.
Get rid of the wokeness.
You've been woke for so long, you're starting to fucking hallucinate.
Right.
Yeah.
It's time to take a nap.
Take a nap.
Go to sleep.
Well, what's interesting about-
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