Name: #182 - Beware the Villas | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-01-12T05:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#182 - Beware the Villas | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#182 - Beware the Villas | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-01-12. Transcript available.

#182 - Beware the Villas | The Tim Dillon Show

Hi, I'm Timmy the Trash Can, and I love trash.
Popcorn boxes, cups, and candy wrappers, mmm, they all taste so good.
Instead of throwing your trash on the floor, won't you please give it to me?
Thank you for considering your fellow patrons.
So, we are live here from the Maryland Holiday Inn in Timonium, Maryland, a
rest stop, essentially, a truck stop where they have, it's like a woman
described it to me, she goes, it's like a rest stop that they built a town
around.
That's kind of the vibe here.
I'm playing at Mgooby's Comedy Club all weekend and staying in the Holiday Inn,
and I figured I would release this.
Last episode, we were going to re-release an old episode, and then just stuff,
ads in that, and something you people haven't heard.
But one of the reasons I'm not more successful is I don't have utter contempt
for my fan base.
I'm trying to acquire that.
That is such an ingredient to success.
You look at the people that are really successful, and they walk off stage, and
you can tell they're disgusted by the people that they just had to entertain,
and I don't really feel that way.
So, I try to, like, do the right thing by you people, which will lead me down a
road to poverty, because, like, it just doesn't, it's, I need to just literally
bash you over the head every chance I get, rob you, you know, if I was a tow
truck guy, I would shoot your tires out, and then, you know, drive by, pretend
I didn't see you, be like, oh, did you have a problem here?
That's what successful people do, so I'm learning how to do that.
I'm trying to do that, but I'm staying in the beautiful Holiday Inn, which is
what, what you think it is, you know, towels that when you use them to wash
your face, take a layer of skin off your face, you know, so industrial soap,
like, if you've ever felt like what I would imagine prison soap feels like, I've
never been to prison, I've never really been to jail.
Because I'm white, because I'm white, I should have gone many, many times, but
I have not, but I imagine that prison soap has a feel like the Holiday Inn soap,
where it smells like soap, like, they've done nothing to disguise the smell of
soap.
Like, it's not, there's no lavender, there's nothing in it that makes you feel,
it's soap, it's straight up old school hand soap that you would use after
painting class in kindergarten in the 90s when they didn't know any better, and
they were just like, yeah, wash your hands with this.
We also wash the floor with it.
That's what Holiday Inns are using to, so you can wash yourself, just
industrial strength, ammonia-laden soap, and it's nice, and then you look
around Baltimore, you're like, should I get out of here?
Should I spend more money on a hotel?
Why?
Why?
To get shot in a better area of town?
To get shot walking to a nicer hotel?
It doesn't matter.
The area has a lot of problems, you know?
I'm not even in Baltimore, I'm 20 minutes out, 25 minutes out, in Timonium,
which sounds like ammonia, like, the name of the place sounds like a chemical
that they found, like a toxic chemical that they found a company dumping in a
river.
That's what it sounds like.
It's like, oh, yeah, well, the babies were born with real, real issues because
they were dumping Timonium in that river for so long and nobody knew.
That's what it feels like, and then you look at the people, and you're like,
yeah, that may be what it is because it's got a real interesting feel here.
What did you say, Josh?
Josh is a local comic.
He's helping me record this podcast.
What did you say another comic said about these people?
We won't say who the comic is, but...
Oh, he said, he's like, I feel like I'm performing for people that work at Home
Depot, and I was like, no, no, you're performing for people that aspire to work
at Home Depot.
Yeah, it's a...
This is...
They would love to have that orange apron and be like, yeah, I get it.
I did it.
It's a rough road out here.
It just seems to be...
Yeah.
You know, because they're kind of well outside the realm of that defense
industrial complex money.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
They want that...
You know, when I performed at the Bethesda, Maryland Country Club for, you know,
people that
were literally dripping in blood, it was a very different vibe.
You know, when you drove through Bethesda, Maryland, you're driving, you're
looking at
these beautiful English Tudor style homes, these brick castles, stone castles
set back far
from the road.
Really nice.
And then, and you're like, oh, this is all built with blood money.
All of it, you know?
But this area, you're like, man, this could use some blood money.
This could really use something.
Like, these people were disappointed when they couldn't go to Iran.
I think half of these people were excited as fuck about the draft.
They were like, I'm psyched.
I get to go to Tehran and maybe get killed.
Fuck yeah.
I hear Tehran's pretty nice.
Yeah.
They were so happy.
And then we averted war and they were so upset.
And they're just sitting there like, fuck.
I was so close.
So many of my friends, nobody really wants to admit this.
We need, we need like six wars right now.
With the amount of people we have selling CBD oil, we need war.
A lot of war.
And I mean, this is unpopular to say.
People won't like this.
I'm against war as like in the sense that I'm principled and I don't want
people to die.
However, let's look at the numbers.
We got to get rid of it.
A few of my friends need to go to the desert and get shot.
That's the way it is.
And that's an uncomfortable thing to say, especially to them.
And I've said this to them when they've asked me for advice.
I'm like, the reality is you need to get shot in the desert.
Because with so many people that I know, the best version of them is a flag on
a mantle.
Like they're just dead.
And they can inspire future generations of people.
Yeah.
I remember going over to my grandfather's house.
They just point to a flag on the mantle and go, Uncle Gerard gave it all.
And as a little kid, you just kind of remember that.
It makes an impact on you.
It's so, I mean, now we're going to be like, Uncle Gerard sells CBD.
It's much better that he's a hero.
Who knows what he did there?
Probably committed rampant sexual assault and then fucking got killed in
friendly fire.
But it doesn't matter.
It doesn't matter that he killed himself or his friend shot him in the night.
Because who knows?
It's just, yeah, you still get a flag.
You still inspire generations of people that are, and that's the thing that
nobody wants
to talk about.
Nobody wants to admit that we need a war.
We need a war.
We need to shave some numbers off.
We've got too many people wandering around that really have no clue as to what
they're going
to do, and there's people listening to the show right now that say, I'm one of
those people,
and the reality is I'm saying to you very nicely and very reasonably, the best
thing you can
do, the best thing you can do for your friends and your family is go get killed
in Iraq or
Afghanistan or Iran.
Don't go, by the way, don't go and then come back with PTSD and get a pit bull
and be homeless
and set up a tent, and then I'm supposed to contribute to you.
I don't want that either.
We're not looking for that.
What we're looking for is you got to go and you got to not come back.
That's the reality.
A lot of my friends, you have to go and not come back.
Well, you come back as a flag.
That's what you do.
That's what you come back as.
You come back as a flag, you come back as somebody that's, you know, or you
just come
back and you're happy and it's fine.
I'm not trying to deal with people that are, like, scarred.
My friend was a Marine.
He went there.
He probably killed a bunch of people, and he's really a nice guy.
He's fine, and he's a cool dude, and I'm not into the flashbacks and the, like,
dark
persona, and I'm not saying it's not needed, but just it is what it is.
You know what we're doing over there.
There's nobody that should join the military now and shocked about what it
really is.
You know what it really is.
You know you're not handing out candy to the townspeople.
It is what it is.
You're putting a gun in a toddler's face and saying, where's daddy?
You know what it is, and if you're going to do that, no hate from me, but just
don't
come back all shocked with PTSD because it wasn't what you thought.
You thought you were going to be helping people in Iraq find their lost dogs.
I'm just picturing you as a recruiter, like an army recruiter in a high school,
just yelling
at 17-year-old.
I'd recruit a lot more people because I'd be honest.
I'd be like, who wants to shoot up this school?
Do you want to shoot?
Form a line.
How about we just put you?
Keep that thought.
Hold that thought.
Get on a plane.
You know where else there's schools.
We're going to put you on a plane, and we're just going to have you shoot up
other schools.
There's bullies there, too.
They won't like you either.
See, I like that.
You're taking their talents and then guiding it somewhere else.
Yeah.
I mean, listen, at the end of the day, I know that there's a lot of heroic
people in the
military that are great people that are doing something that I do not have the
balls to do,
and that's great, but then there's also a lot of my personal friends that need
to get
killed and are living in safe areas, and they're never going to be killed, and
because they
live in the suburbs, they're never going to be caught in the crossfire of a bad
drug deal
for the most part, at least not for a few years until things really start
heating up out there,
but for right now, it's just bacon, egg, and cheeses and nothing.
So what they need is to be heroes.
All of my friends need to be heroes.
That's all.
And who's to say what a hero is?
I mean, you know, one guy's hero is another person's, you literally shot my
baby.
So I don't, I'm not saying what it is.
I just know that if you're joining the military now, they understand what it is.
Right.
And a lot of it is good.
Listen, we've done a lot of great things with the military.
We've done a lot of not so great things.
I don't know which one of them you're going to do, and neither do you.
That's the fun of it.
You don't really know which end you're going to be on.
You could get there and go, well, this doesn't seem great, but you're in now,
and it is what
it is.
You know, I thought comedy is going to be different.
It ain't, it's not, but you know, it's not like PTSD where I'm like being like,
fuck,
I thought it was going to be, you know, I'm, you know, I'm not going to hang
myself.
I'm not going to, you know, yet.
And if I do, I'll do it quietly, you know?
Yeah.
And I do think we should provide better mental health care for the soldiers
that come back.
But I also think a way to avoid some of it is to be very honest about kind of
what it
might be.
Like, we might be like, you might be helping people and killing terrorists.
You also might be the terrorist.
We don't know yet.
We don't know which mission you're going to be on.
We don't, we don't know.
Kind of makes it fun.
Yeah.
Choose your own adventure.
It's what makes it fun.
So just understand.
But the larger point here is that so many people in this country need to be
heroes, and we need
to give them a way for them to be heroes.
And if they continue along their path of not getting shot in a foreign country,
it will
help no one.
So that's just my point.
So I'm telling all of my friends, maybe it's time to enlist.
I don't know.
Maybe it's not.
But at the end of the day, it's something to think.
Hey, it's something to think about.
I just moved.
I just moved.
I got a new apartment.
I'm in the Hollywood Hills, but I'm not up in the Hills Hills.
I'm on like a hill on the way to the Hills.
And it's nice.
It's fine.
And the parking situation is very, very bad there.
And they tow.
I don't know if you guys have ever been in an area where they tow people all
the time.
They just tow.
And the reason I think that they tow people all the time on this block is
becaus