Name: #187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-02-16T05:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-16. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-02-16. Transcript available.

#187 - Waffle Sundaes and Puppet Shows | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, live from Los Angeles,
California, in an undisclosed location.
Anyway, everybody happy? Did you watch the Academy Awards? Wasn't that fun?
See Joaquin Phoenix go up there and talk about milk?
Man, Hollywood's dead, huh?
It's just the carcass of an industry.
It truly is. Nobody cares. Everybody, Pacino, De Niro, these people don't die.
They just keep going. I don't know how they get the best medical care.
They're legends. They're literally legends now.
Like you see them, you're like, is that them?
They're literally chupacabra-like when you see them on the red carpet.
And then you have Joaquin Phoenix up there talking about the abuse of animals.
How many states do they want Trump to win? 40? 45?
What would make them happy?
Brad Pitt's up there doing impeachment jokes.
They gave more time than they gave Adam Schiff.
I forget which guy he mentioned, but he's up there doing impeachment.
It's like, no one paid attention to the impeachment process, by the way.
It came on the heels of the other fake thing you did about Russia that didn't
make any fucking sense.
That you were unable to prove. You had Robert Mueller and everybody's going to
prove everything.
We're going to prove that, you know, Putin and Trump are incommunicato.
You were able to prove zero, nothing, not a nilch.
It was an embarrassment.
Instead of talking about healthcare and jobs, you're writing a spy novel that
nobody wants to read.
Okay, you have Chelsea Handler and Kathy Griffin out there talking about espionage.
As if they have a fucking clue as to anything that goes on.
Chelsea Handler is now an expert in espionage.
She spent a decade talking about her snatch.
And now she's talking about, you know, counterintelligence.
I mean, guys, shut up. Enough.
I'm starting to think they are Republicans.
I'm starting to think all these Hollywood fucks are Republicans.
They're like, fuck it.
We're making a lot of money.
These fucking accounts look fat.
And we do not want anybody else in there.
I'm starting to believe that.
I'm starting to believe it's a Cointelpro operation where they just tell people.
They go, hey, Joaquin Phoenix, why don't you get out there and talk about milk?
It's almost like it was a sketch that was written out by, like, billionaire
corporate donors that are like, you know what will really get everybody?
You just get out there and, no, don't talk about immigration.
You could pull some heartstrings there.
People might agree with you.
Talk about animals.
Talk about factory farming when half the country is on heroin and there's an
opioid epidemic and people are working three jobs to drag themselves out of
bankruptcy.
Because they got sick and can't afford the bills.
Ignore all of that because that could get people on our side, on your side.
And just talk about the abuse that cows suffer.
I mean, what level of privilege do you have to be in society to think that the
biggest problem is fucking milk?
I mean, how lost do you have to be as a human being to think that the real
issue here, I'm not saying animals are always treated nicely.
I'm saying this.
We eat animals.
That's how most people survive.
They eat animals.
They've been doing it forever.
Okay?
Now, some people don't eat animals.
They eat vegetables.
Good for them.
Some people abstain from animal products.
But can we all stop with this insane crusade to end the consumption of meat and
dairy as if it's the biggest problem in the country?
This is a carcass of an empire.
This is a scam that stopped being viable 50 years ago, this country, by the way.
I mean, I look at these elections as like that there's somehow people that are
still in the Enron office building arguing about what the lunch counter, you
know, what the deli is going to serve.
We're done, folks.
And we're talking about milk, this psychopath.
And these people, they look weirder and weirder, the celebrity.
Like, they look odd.
When you see them on the red carpet, they look, you know, Sorcerone.
They have a look to them where they look less and less like people.
Timothee Chalamet does not look like a person.
He looks like a feather.
He floats around.
He's this weirdly, you know, genderless, you know, attractive, but weirdly
youthful, like a guy who's kind of cast in amber that he's never really going
to age.
And, you know, all of these celebrities are starting to take on this look,
which is strange to people.
People don't quite understand it.
The outfits are odd.
The way of speaking is odd.
The patterns of speech are odd.
They're just not on planet Earth anymore.
They come, it looks like spaceships are landing and they come in from their
other planets to discuss things that we should be doing.
It really is strange.
People don't know what to make of this.
People in middle America don't understand.
People in, on the coasts don't understand this stuff anymore.
It's creepy to them.
There's a level of, and I remember growing up watching the Academy Awards,
watching the Emmys, people being into it, people kind of caring.
People thinking that there were stakes and that these things mattered.
And then something happened where it just became, like, odd.
These celebrities are much odder.
And Andrew Schultz made this point that if you don't have social media now, and
if you're not accessible in any real way, and you just live in some castle, you
just live in some big house, and everything you say is handed to you from a
publicist or a lawyer, you seem odd now.
Like, a lot of these people are, they're no longer relatable in any way to us.
They're not.
Because most people have adapted and they're like, I have these tools to
communicate directly with fans.
And then you have this really elite sanctum of Hollywood, this really elite
group of people.
They don't speak ever unless they're at a red carpet or they're, you know, it's
a very staged production where they go on Jimmy Fallon or they go on Seth Meyers
and they sit in the chair and they have five minutes of banter.
And it's like, well, hey, you were in Italy recently.
And there's nothing real about it.
You know, you were in Italy.
You know, I was in Italy when you were in Italy.
You love when they do that.
When somebody will be like, remember when we were both in Italy?
It's so insane that this even still goes on.
And the lead-in to these shows is like, you know, a mass shooting or, you know,
a senator who's been found to be taking a bribe or some scientist at Harvard
who got caught sneaking biological samples to the Wuhan province of China,
which no one really talks about.
And then we go to Jimmy Fallon and Seth Meyers who want to talk to somebody
about the time they were both in Italy.
It's crazy.
You got to look at some old late-night shows where guys like James Baldwin, the
famous black intellectual, go out and talk about real shit.
They talk about real stuff.
But these late-night shows, their viewers are falling.
They're decreasing steadily.
And they're terrified of upsetting anybody.
They're terrified of losing a fat housewife from Galveston, Texas, who thinks
it's fun that Jimmy Fallon plays with Muppets every night and that he sings
with the band and he does dances and he brings out the kid from Stranger Things
and they play hopscotch or whatever the fuck they do.
I mean, imagine watching this and having a real job.
Imagine having a real job where, like, you're working in a factory and a guy
next to you is like, I just got diagnosed with cancer.
I don't know what to do.
And you go home and you put on Jimmy Fallon and he's playing a game with Zac Efron
or he's going to the Olive Garden with Post Malone.
So that's where these celebrities, that's the only time that they ever
communicate with people on these late-night shows, which are like a dystopian
nightmare reality in which insanely wealthy people sit there and have
meaningless conversations.
Like, meaningless conversations beyond the – now, if I'm asked to do panel,
and I have to say this, I do have to – I have to be clear about this.
If I'm asked to do panel on one of these shows, I will.
I don't think – I think I'm beyond where I should be doing stand-up in a five-minute
set.
Also, my stand-up doesn't really work in five-minute little bits.
And I don't – I can't do it if I can't say what I want to say.
And, you know, years ago we submitted to do stand-up on these late-night shows
and they go, it's too ranty and it's too dark.
And I was like, you're right.
You're right.
And I'm good with that.
Like, I love my friends that do it.
I love when Norman does it.
I love when Sam Marill does it.
I love when I watch people do it.
I don't need to do it.
I'm not bitter and angry.
Everything's fine.
But if they want to talk to me on panel, I will do that.
Now, here's what will also happen.
That episode won't air.
That's also going to happen because I am – it's not going to air because I
will ask them what they're doing.
Like, I will look at one of them as I'm sitting there and go, let me ask you a
question.
What are you doing?
Like, what in God's name are you doing?
I mean, I know this pays well.
But I will just keep bringing up real shit and there will be censors because
you've got to realize the people that go to these shows, like the people that
attend – imagine going to New York City, the greatest city in the world, in
my opinion.
And I'm right.
But imagine – I mean, London's a goth nightmare.
The food sucks.
Shut up.
Shanghai, that'll have its time.
It's coming.
Don't worry about it.
You'll have the next century.
Let me have the past one.
Thank you.
Imagine going to New York City with a group of your friends, group of your
friends, the great restaurants, the great public spaces, all the things you can
do, the museums, and having one of them go, I'd really like to watch a taping
of The Tonight Show tonight.
Imagine being on a trip with someone that said that and just the – it would
be like the just feeling in the pit of your stomach of a doctor saying positive
to you.
That's what it would feel like to me of a doctor telling you that you had AIDS,
you know?
Not even AIDS.
Something even worse than that.
Like, just you have six months to live.
We're sorry.
Inoperable.
The word taping of The Tonight Show, to me, is synonymous with the word inoperable.
Like, be hearing it's inoperable.
Because if – I mean, can you imagine hearing that from somebody like, I want
to go to a taping of The Tonight Show tonight?
Why?
Why would you ever want to go see a thing that you can see on TV and you can
watch it on TV and shouldn't?
But what in God's name?
You don't know who the guests are.
They're all like, who knows who it's going to be.
It's going to be exciting.
We're going to see – Jimmy's going to come out.
Maybe he'll have a field piece where he goes to the Olive Garden with Post Malone
or Cardi B and they can sit in the Olive Garden where people have worked 16
hours to make a living and they soak their feet every night because they swell
because they're on them all day.
And they're taking amphetamines to just keep doing it and keep fucking
answering the questions that fat tourists from Ohio have about penne ala vodka.
They have to do that and they're all drugged up and they can barely have a
cigarette break.
And when they do, they go outside and it's just a cacophony of New York City blaring
horns and ambulances and they go back into the Olive Garden and then they have
to hear from their manager that, well, you've got to look good today because
Jimmy's coming in with Post Malone.
Now, I'm sure that there are some people that enjoy this that work in the Olive
Garden because they're so broken.
They've been so destroyed in every possible way that some of them might get
excited.
Maybe they're young kids.
But there's got to be a guy that considers having a Travis Bickle moment.
There's got to be a guy that thinks of throwing a tour of Italy on the table
and then lunging at Fallon.
There's got to be one of those chefs in the back that's had quite enough of
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