Name: #189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-03-01T05:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-01. Transcript available.

#189 - Welcome To The Show, Hillary | The Tim Dillon Show

Coronavirus would be the best thing that happened to this country.
Welcome to the program, everybody.
I am 100% in support of a full-scale pandemic of coronavirus in this country.
Get people off the streets, out of the malls, into their homes.
Get them fucking out of their cars.
Close the schools and make the kids shoot their families and not each other.
I think it would be a great change of pace in this country for a worldwide flu-like
pandemic to hit.
I'm in support of it.
I look at the cases every day and I get angry there's not more.
Everybody go in their house and start a podcast.
That's it.
There will be nothing left.
The economy will collapse.
Everybody will become either a podcaster or a cam girl or boy.
And you'll either diddle yourself on camera or you'll yell into a microphone.
And that's how this society should appropriately disintegrate.
With everybody sitting in front of a green screen.
Ben and me have talked about this.
This is how it ends.
Everybody back into the house in front of the green screen live streaming and
broadcasting.
That's it.
And just delivery people that brave the elements to deliver us our Poke Bowls
and our General Tau's chicken.
That's it.
That's exactly how the American experiment should end.
With everybody in their home ordering roadcasters and microphones and
headphones from Amazon.
Have them being delivered by drone and live streaming and deciding who's
responsible for the pandemic.
Is it Jews?
Is it fucking, you know, is it the fucking deep state?
Who is it?
Is it the Chinese?
The Chi-coms?
Who did it to us?
And we could spend the rest of our lives theorizing about why exactly this is
happening.
What a great opportunity.
Enough with the pop-up stores.
And it's an experience.
We're having an experience.
We're filling these little boots with cheesecake.
Enough.
Go home.
Lock down.
I love that idea.
No more fun experiences.
No more, you know, vacations.
You can't go to Iceland anymore and swim in a hot spring and put it on
Instagram.
You can't stay in an igloo.
You have to just stay in your home.
And then the only money that you'll ever make now because you can't go outside,
the only money you're ever going to make is in super chats.
Live streams, Patreon subscriptions, limited selection of merch that's
available because we'll have self-driving cars.
That is it.
And I'm so excited for that.
I'm excited for that.
And I think everyone should be too.
Let's finally do it.
Let's finally sever ourselves from the remaining bit of reality that we live in,
which is really just annoying.
Reality is just annoying now.
Traffic and weather.
It's annoying.
Shut it down.
Black out the windows.
That's the move.
I mean, think about it.
So much of what we do now is online.
So much of who we are.
We're just creatures that respond to stimuli that's delivered to us through our
devices.
Why have, you know, this fantasy that when you're going to go to a national
park one day and we'll hike up a hill.
Stop.
It means nothing.
Nature is fake and it's annoying.
Go into the darkness and stay there.
Put up the green screen.
You broadcast nature behind you.
We have opted for the darkness because we knew it was coming.
We knew coronavirus was coming.
You don't think we have a faggoty little studio like everybody else?
The cash app is shoving cash up their ass so they have a cute little studio.
Look, it's so cute.
We will edit that out if they invest.
They are not sponsoring us yet.
We will edit that out.
Ben gives me a look like, wait a minute, but not yet.
They haven't.
So what we've done is we have the darkness now.
And if you don't like that, if it's, you know, if audible.com doesn't think
this is suitable content,
well, then fuck off.
It doesn't matter soon.
It's not going to matter soon because it's all going to be burning in mass
graves.
That's right.
I hope I'm only nervous.
I get very nervous that this is actually being hyped and inflated by the media
and that none of the, you know, ideations in my head will come true.
I hope that that's not the case.
But there is an argument to be made that actually maybe the media is hyping
this up
and this is more of a flu and that people that don't have already compromised
immune systems,
i.e., you know, not the elderly or children,
probably won't be that affected by it.
That would be the worst case scenario.
The best case scenario is within two to three months,
we're starting to see lockdowns.
We're starting to see travel bans.
We're starting to see schools closed, governments closed.
You see a little civil unrest on the edges, on the margins,
you know, a couple of molotovs through the window.
Nothing coordinated yet because we need time.
And then, you know, it becomes like The Stand, the Stephen King miniseries,
which I enjoyed with my father in the 90s, The Stand.
We watched it every night.
And my father looked at me when I was a child and he said,
son, this will happen one day.
He was great.
He was really good at his job at parenting.
He said to me, I was a child, I was like eight or nine watching this,
and he goes, this is what's going to happen.
And they loaded up everybody on military vehicles.
And I was excited then.
I said, well, that sounds good.
You know, that sounds good.
You know, that sounds like a nice, fun development.
Even then, I knew that this was probably heading in the right direction.
So every now and then, like when we get a SARS or an avian bird flu,
I kind of get excited.
And it always turns into nothing.
It always turns into nothing.
Swine flu is nothing ever.
Everything's fake.
But, I mean, it could be real fun because,
you know, and a lot of people are watching this probably,
and they're like, this seems heartless and cruel.
No, I don't want people to die.
I've been clear about that.
I just don't want them to leave their homes.
I want them to fully integrate into the darkness that we are in right now.
I don't want anyone to die.
I need listeners.
I'm not an idiot.
I need people listening to me.
What I don't need is people stomping around outside.
Outside is the enemy.
That's where the disease is.
You go back right in your hovel and listen.
That's right.
That's right.
Jimmy Fallon and James Corden,
they all have to do their shows from maybe their homes,
and they have massive estates so they can,
you know, like Jimmy Fallon can still do the Muppets in his estate
because he can't leave,
and Corden can still, you know,
with the top hat and the cane or whatever he does,
they can all still do that in their homes, you know?
I just think that's going to be great.
Then there's going to be people, you know,
without shows, and they'll be listening,
but I think everyone will start to have a show.
That's when you know things are going to be good.
When everyone that you've ever met is sitting at their kitchen table
eating cereal in front of a green screen and just ranting,
and I mean, they haven't showered in days.
They've ran out of antidepressants.
They're screaming, and they're screaming into the void.
I mean, you can see they're sunken in eyes,
and they're emaciated.
They're starting to lose weight because there are shortages now,
and they're drinking, and, you know,
whatever drugs they can get their hands on,
and they're starting to hallucinate,
and their shows are getting really good.
You know, they're getting really good.
Watching someone degenerate on air is actually very entertaining.
It's very entertaining to watch somebody lose it marble by marble.
It's fascinating.
It's actually a great watch, you know?
It would be much better.
Instead of having The Tonight Show,
they should have a schizophrenic at progressively more insane
every single day, and that would be much better.
You know?
I mean, so that's where I'm at with coronavirus.
I don't know what's going to happen.
I'm unaware of what's going to happen.
I'm just saying let's not all...
Let's look at the benefits.
There's a lot of benefits.
Imagine this.
Did you see the checkpoint in China
when the guy tried to get through it,
and they just threw a bag over his head
and threw him in a van?
Imagine that happening on Melrose at a sneaker store.
They just start bagging up those little kids,
those hypebeasts who wait all day to buy supreme sweatshirts.
They just start bagging them
because they refused the checkpoints.
They bag the little fucker and put them in,
take them out, get them out of here.
That's a good thing.
That's not a bad thing.
And I think we're being a little...
That's just, again, maybe it's...
I love that people on cruise ships are getting it.
I have a bit about cruises.
I have a bit about cruises in my act.
There is no type of vacation that more defines
the fat boomer generation than the cruise.
A disgusting floating toilet
where fat, privileged pigs
can sit and eat and drink and gorge themselves for days
and then show up to another fucking island
where people used to live
before they were cleared out by Carnival and Royal Caribbean
and fucking...
And they show up and they just get out
and they walk their 400-pound asses around
and they buy magnets and fake jewelry
and they fucking eat Taco Bell quesadillas
and they think they're having a cultural experience.
There's nothing more quintessentially American
than pulling up to an impoverished third-world country
in a floating country.
I mean, pulling up where you have...
There's 60 chefs on some of these boats.
60 chefs.
You're pulling up to a country with one doctor
and it's a witch doctor.
It's not even a real doctor.
It's somebody who waves fucking, you know,
ferns at you when you're sick.
And so the fact that those people are being quarantined
and they're not letting them back on the mainland
and they're killing them,
I mean, I just...
I'm trying to see the negative in this pandemic.
I've been trying to see it.
I've been trying to see the negative in this pandemic all week.
I have people calling me concerned.
They're like, somebody called me.
I swear to God, my aunt called me.
She goes, this is horrible.
What if you can't do stand-up comedy anymore
and you just have to do your podcast from your house?
I went, oh, yeah, baby.
Oh, I don't have to walk into a mall
and entertain people choking on chicken fingers?
No.
That's crazy.
I just get to communicate with my fans
and never see, hear, or touch them?
Wow.
That does sound like a horror.
What a nightmare.
Bring on the bubonic plague.
Bring it on.
You know, there are people that have died.
Now, that is sad.
And I want to say that.
I do want to say that.
I don't know any of the people who have died.
I get it.
I get that that is sad.
I don't want to sound like a total sociopath.
I'm just saying there are silver linings to all the clouds.
You know, the stock market's losing money.
That's fun.
You know, I'm not really invested in the stock market.
I don't really care what happens.
I don't care.
So, I mean, I don't want the economy to completely tank and people not being
able to support me via Patreon slash the Tim Dillon Show, which you all should
be fucking on already because we're doing great work over there.
Stop consuming everything for free.
Have some pride.
Take some pride.
Support your local artist.
Don't you love when you first get into comedy, you do these horrible shows in
the backs of bars and, like, they put, they make these flyers, these people,
and most of these people are delusional psychopaths who should be taken out in
the street and shot.
And they're, you know, comedians, you know.
I'm on Kida.
It's like, we get it.
And these people, they put on the flyer, like, support live comedy and support
local art and support, it's like, what?
It's just so funny, the idea of that.
It's like, support live comedy.
It's like, people do.
They do support live comedy.
They don't support you.
They don't support you and there's no, because there's nothing to support.
There's nothing to support.
Those shows should be done in front of people that are unlucky enough to be boozing
their life away in that particular institution on that eveni