Name: #190 - I Am Luxury | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-03-08T05:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#190 - I Am Luxury | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-08. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#190 - I Am Luxury | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-08. Transcript available.

#190 - I Am Luxury | The Tim Dillon Show

Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show everybody. We are here in week two of the
pandemic.
I got diagnosed with strep throat the other day and I thought I had the
coronavirus and I thought
how funny would it be if the first case of the coronavirus in Los Angeles was a
guy who went on
his podcast and said I am for the coronavirus I want the coronavirus and then
the next day
I get diagnosed with it but it was only strep so I'm better now sort of my
voice is coming back I
hadn't had strep throat since I was like 10. That's something you get when you're
10 and you don't
realize like being sick is fun when you're a kid it's fun for at least a few
days you can sit at
home you can watch movies back then we went to blockbuster and I'd rent movies
get a bunch of
movies watch them over and over again my grandmother would make me french toast
and grilled cheese being
sick was good but when you get older you know it's it's hell you know because
there is no french
toast and grilled cheese I mean there's nobody's making you anything nobody
cares even if you're in
a relationship or something they don't care they they're at work nobody nobody
has the time to when
you're sick when you're older give a fuck about you that was the whole thing
like when you were younger
people used to go I'll shut down or your grandparents didn't have to because
they were they weren't
working they were like yo just come here and you can be sick and we'll get you
better and we feel bad
for you when you want to get movies and what do you want to eat and you know
but strep man and when
you're a kid you don't you love like a sore throat it sucks but when you're
older and you have that strep
throat and you just open your throat and you're staring at the back of your
throat and you're like
there's a virus in me there's something in me I mean it's hard to swallow and
you go eventually this is
what esophageal cancer feels like it's just every sickness when you're over 30
is just a rehearsal
for the big one and you don't know which one that's going to be and you don't
know when it's going
to be but every mild discomfort you have is a rehearsal you know every headache
is a rehearsal
for the tumor that's the way I think every sore throat is a rehearsal for the
the cancerous polyp
you don't know when it's coming but you know it's coming it's a fact of life
every respiratory
infection every wheezing especially if you're a smoker it's preparing for when
the doctor has you
in the office they call you in that little office he goes hey here are the
options what a sentence
here are the options you know it's coming
uncle uncle of mine just uh got diagnosed with throat cancer you know great
great dude didn't
really smoke you know had a blood occasionally you know and so every sickness
you get past a certain
it's so funny it's one of the things in life that completely goes 180 degrees
the other way
being sick as a kid is kind of like fun i mean don't tweet at me and be like it's
not fun for
kayla who has leukemia i'm not talking about that i'm not just i'm not saying
that please don't tweet
it's not you know who's uninsured little magical i get all right i'm not saying
that i'm saying when
you're bullshit sick as a kid and you get out of school it's fun but when you're
an adult it is not
fun because you're just thinking about okay dodged a bullet every doctor visit
over the age of 30 you're
dodging a bullet that's all because we all know the stories now we all have
enough stories now
you collect them as you go through life in your in your in your teens you have
very few
yes people die but it's the why is very apparent they got in a car accident it
was a
DWI it was an overdose somebody got shot it's very cut and dry as to why this
happened and your 20s it
might get a little murkier like but you still kind of know you know it's like
fuck brain can't it's real rare and your 30s people dying to just go that's
something something
something not good just these things start to happen as you get older every
decade it gets a
little bit less surprising you know 40s is a decade of like yeah the guy just
had a heart attack at
runyon hit his head hit his head on a rock heart attack didn't kill him but
hitting the head on a
rock did my friend told me that story the other day 40 year old the guy got a
two-year-old daughter
just you know out done heart attack head on a rock didn't die from the heart
attack died from the
hitting the head on the rocket running you know like two people in running
canyon die every week
yeah people don't talk about it so i'm not trying to make you into hypochondriacs
i'm just saying that
life is too short to not be hateful
you know what i mean people people don't understand life is too short to hold
it in the bile
the bile that courses through your veins like that goo that ran through the sewers
and ghostbusters 2
it's too short you gotta let it out you gotta have a group of friends where you
can let it
out you have to hate the right people for the right reasons you gotta hate the
right things that's why
hopefully you listen to the program because i do a lot to help direct your
anger into the right places
where it should go where it's productive but life is just too short you're
gonna go it's coming it's
gonna happen sooner than you think and in you know so spend your time on this
planet airing out your
grievances i'm telling you you're gonna regret it spend time on the planet
letting people at the hotel
front desk know the shower is not as warm as you would like in fact you'd like
it hot and it's not what
you consider hot have the engineer go in there and check the room you only get
so long on this planet
let the waiter or waitress know exactly what you think of the club sandwich if
the bacon wasn't crispy
enough let them know don't hold it in that when you hold it in that becomes
cancer let it out
let it out i'm telling you i went to the urgent care to get diagnosed so urgent
care is quick you're in
and out boom boom boom it's what i'm into i like the urgent care because i feel
like if i go to like
a still like a real doctor i'm gonna die because they're gonna really look at
me and they'll really
figure out what's going on and it's the last thing i want so urgent care is
quick no i don't think any of
them are real doctors they're all like ucb improv kids that are pretending to
be doctors the urgent
in urgent care is that they urgently want you out of the office it's like a
five second diagnosis in
an urgent care they're like hey what's up you're like i'm bleeding they're like
that's queen here's
a script and go and now that we're in la you know in the uh and the ticket
ticket sales by the way
slowing down a little bit because of the coronavirus so i don't want the half
in half
out and i talked to ben about this show we're either going to sell these shows
out we're going
to rock out we're not going to give a fuck or or we're just going to we'll stay
in the fucking
you know in the bunker but i i'm not interested in like half full theaters of
people coughing
i want all in or all out like people are like oh that the last episode you were
saying you want
a pandemic i'm like here's what i want i want it we're in or out i don't want
anyone losing money
but if we are me and ben have spoken about listen then we're all just going to
stay in for a little
while that's all that's what i was trying to say i'd rather not i'd rather not
people lose money out
there you know but i don't want a halfway thing where it's mostly hysteria and
you know everybody's
losing money for no goddamn reason um but we're in the urgent care and now the
urgent care's job
is to just tell everyone going to the urgent care that they can't test for
coronavirus
the whole urgent care goes listen if you're concerned about coronavirus you
have to go to
the er we do not have the means to test you here so literally people walk in
and they're like hey i want to be tested for and by the way people with no
symptoms because no one cares
these people have no symptoms they just simply want to get tested you go i just
want to be sure
i'm like what so you have those idiots going so i go and i go in monday morning
and monday morning my
throat i can barely swallow pain i mean bad my tonsils are huge feels like i
have an abscess in my throat
and it's like you're like so i walk in monday and i go hey they go okay they
have you traveled out of the
country recently i'm like i went to vancouver a few weeks ago doctor goes okay
and then i went like
i wasn't even thinking i went to the doctors like a lot of asians though
and she like pretended not to hear it yeah she like ignored it she was still
looking at the chart
like i was trying to balance because i you know i was like vancouver a few
weeks ago she's probably
like yeah that wasn't okay but i'm like hey but i want to be honest a lot of asians
over there
again not being a racist trying to get all the medical information to be
accurate i want you know
and she's like listen it looks like your strep test is positive and i was like
fuck yeah thank god i was like that's good right she goes yeah yeah i guess i
go yeah it is
you know so then they give you a steroid shot in your ass i don't even know
what that does it's
supposed to calm your fucking you know i don't know what it's supposed to do
but i guess steroids
you know they're supposed to uh help i think it boosts your immune system right
whatever you still
feel like right maybe they were the right steroids it's also an urgent care
they could have pretended
to do it they could have just pricked me with a pin and not done anything what
you know i they're
probably just giving fake steroid shots so i go to cvs and i my throat is like
just you know and i'm
coughing a little bit because you can't really swallow in the water it's like
water's almost
aspirating out of your mouth it's horrible and then everyone at cvs is looking
at you
you know me and ben just had lunch at the beverly hills hotel and i was
coughing at the table and
everybody's looking at you like fuck is this the guy is this patient zero is
this the guy who brings
it to la is this the guy that brings it to the beverly hills hotel this
motherfucker right now
see the guy and i'm just there's a table next to us talking about elizabeth warren
and i'm just
sitting there going and they're just these women are just staring at me you
know staring at me
their eyes judgmental behind their 400 sunglasses talk about elizabeth warren
i'm a fan of liz and another thing stop going on twitter and telling people
well i supported liz and now
i'm supporting bernie and yeah obviously that's an uh guys we get you we get it
you self-important
piece of shit it absolutely logically follows that you'd go from liz to bernie
we get it there's no
fucking explanation needed keep your 280 follower mouth shut no one needs you
to your 10-point plan
as to why you're switching from bernie to fucking elizabeth warren shut up
it's if you're going from warren to trump that's fun
that's fun and i want to hear it and i want to see a twitter thread i want to
see a twitter thread
of a woman who goes i supported elizabeth warren i'm proud of the work she's
done but now that she's
out of the race i'll be switching my support 100 completely to donald trump to
donald j trump
that's a good thread that's worth our fucking time tell us why you're going to
trump now that would be
fun not warren to bernie we get of course we get it i just think that liz did a
great job
but because of sexism and because i just and i'm going to support bernie right
now because i feel like
he is the candidate with the bet no i want to hear i supported liz but i'm now
supporting donald trump
i'm supporting donald j trump because i believe in our strong economy strong
borders
that's a fun turn to make i don't know is bernie fucked here's what i would say
people have accused me they're like oh tim dylan is ironically trying to be a bernie
bro
and now he's i'm there's nothing about i'm not a be