Name: Live Stream #1 | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-03-17T05:10:28.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Live Stream #1 | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video 'Live Stream #1 | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-03-17. Transcript available.

Live Stream #1 | The Tim Dillon Show

let's make okay hold on
okay we are in ladies and gentlemen we are live it is the tim dylan show here
again excited to be
with you quarantine time here with ben avery the producer we are here where are
we at what are our
totals please case totals and death totals first okay let me get the totals
first we have uh we're
gonna do totals in the beginning of the show every show coronavirus case is 182
609 right now in the
world 182 000 cases 609 of the coronavirus 7171 that's a lot of actors it's a
lot of crisis actors
some of them are pretty good too they're like keep going that's a joke it's
real we have 7 171 deaths
okay what about in america closer to home all righty here we go let's go by
country it's important
everybody that you subscribe to the youtube channel the tim dylan show we do
have the vaccine
in the u.s right now we have 4712 cases 4712 cases it seems to be doubling
every day does that mean
tomorrow we'll have 8 000 possibly possibly yeah yeah so it's a rough one out
there folks we're
approaching 100 deaths we're at 91 we're about 91 deaths we we don't have 100
deaths yet five new
deaths today five new deaths today but i'll tell you this much i do we do have
the vaccine i was
fucking around today in the kitchen and we got the vaccine we're excited about
it we're going to sell
it to you and we do have the corona test kits so you can know if you have
corona we should have just
had the tests this whole thing could have been avoided if we had the fucking
tests i don't care
if you love trump he should have gotten more tests we should have had enough
tests this whole fucking
thing is about the test and is that a fireable offense probably you know if
that was your fucking
job um taiwan see how many cases taiwan has taiwan is right next to fucking
china this is a country that
knew exactly what to do immediately 67 cases one day 67 cases one death in
fucking taiwan
because they had tests they closed borders immediately which trump did good for
him
they have a very well-funded high-tech national or public health service people
got text messages of
their results they got texts of the fucking results in taiwan that's why they
have 85 deaths
i'm sorry yeah 85 cases one death one person in taiwan died of this virus what's
the population of taiwan
one person in fucking taiwan died of this virus 23.78 million 23.78 million
people they had one death from
this fucking virus because they all put the masks on we all make fun of the asians
with the masks on all
the time i do it all the time but taiwan immediately started with the masks
they closed the borders they had
tests available people got texted their results they had to report to isolation
85 fucking deaths i mean
i'm sorry 85 cases one death in a country of 23 million people that's the that's
the how you want
to handle it that's the ortega asks have either of you had chicken pox yes i
had chicken pox as a child
and uh i could i had to stay home usually we had christmas and my grandfather's
with all the kids
none of them had it yet so i had to stay home then my grandfather and my nanny
brought me bags of
presents to my house to open which is very nice of them nice yeah uh people are
just filing in here
people are filing in it's going to take a while here's what we're going to do
folks we're amping
up we're amping up our schedule we're going to do one live stream minimal a
week maybe two
and then we're going to do it and then it's going to go on our patreon as well
as other patreon episodes
we're not just going to we're not just going to do only live streams but the
the live streams if
they're not live they're going to go on the patreon we may start putting that
emergency podcast on our
youtube channel as well little 30 minute 45 minute emergency podcasts little
you know having people
on the show that have information that might be pertinent to you and your loved
ones during this
difficult time you're gonna have to start looking at people in your house and
go who are we gonna eat
first it's the reality folks tough times stock market plunged 30 today i what
with the 3 000 points yeah
dropped people lost a lot of money it's coming there's gonna be runs on the
bank civil unrest you know
how it is food shortages supply line breakdowns thank god lot large sections of
our country have
schizophrenia so they believe this whole virus is because tom hanks is being
arrested for pedophilia
they believe this the whole virus is a cover for a military operation where
they're gonna
they're gonna arrest obama and the pope thank god many of our people have insulated
themselves from facts and
reason yeah we have large swaths of the country that are schizophrenic we have
to accept that undiagnosed
festering mental illness brought on by the way by you know real events by being
overworked
overtired stressed out anxious drugged up eating poison and then realizing that
yes the elite do inhabit
a secret world where they do whatever the they want and that most of what you've
been fed is a lie
all of that together oh that's a real willy wonka boat ride into the abyss and
then you're just kind
of babbling you're like walking around babbling you have no idea what's
happening ryan wants to know did
you cancel your california show in august i'll drink cyanide ryan nobody's
doing anything right now i don't
think that show is officially canceled but i'll tell you this i was on the
phone today with my my agent
everybody has canceled everything through may and the summer is anyone's best
guess because there
are people that say that the peak could be july june july like our president
today but
the stock market crashing tell everyone it could be like this till august shut
up lie don't say anything
you can't be this is the one time you're going to choose to be honest with the
people right now why
so what you have is you have a situation where although the show is still on
the books it is
absolutely very possible that uh that the weekend is either changed or moved
depending on facts on the
ground ryan i don't know tijuana robotics thanks for the super chat said in san
francisco we we rioted
when we won baseball games if cities like oak like oakland and baltimore got
locked down how far will
the government go to enforce it i don't know well i mean we'll be we'll we'll
we'll see but i mean
probably pretty far they have the military i mean the cops in some of these
cities will just shoot
you in the face anyway for loitering right so i mean if we gave them a reason i
would imagine they'd go
pretty far sean asks have you seen the coronavirus challenge these people
deserve death yeah they're
licking toilet seats on planes jesus christ is that ask him if that's what he's
referring to i believe it
is there was a girl who licked a toilet seat on a plane
how great would it be if corona only killed 17 year olds only killed young zoomers
and millennials and kept kept the boomers i'm used to them i'm used to the boomers
sure they have their
issues but i'm i'm used to them now yeah people are licking toilet yeah that's
the new corona challenge
licking a toilet seat on a plane jesus wow all right we got some more super
chats here rail bait asks
or says rail bait nothing will get you barter for food and medicine and a post-corona
apocalypse
economy like a perfectly set stone yeah no and listen this is something people
have asked me uh and i've
been i've been i've been i've been steadfast in my instructions to the people
that have chosen to be
a part of what i consider a beautiful company and the company is jewels by podcaster
tim dole we are
not closed we are operational fully operational take the orders put the orders
in we have our processors
we are not shutting down our office we are just purelling the shed out of out
of our processor kelly
we're wiping her down we're wiping her old gash down with lysol disinfected
wipes and she's processing
all these orders she's typing them up getting them getting them to headquarters
so don't worry about
the future don't think about the future think about the present and the past
thank you chemical shed uh
will we hear from new york correspondent raymond kump this evening i need his
coach info we will try to
get raymond kump on the phone he was smoking a cigarette the other day i mean
this is a man that
just doesn't care john william coddling i thank you uh said if you could give
one teacher from holy
trinity that's a guy that's a guy who's not as successful as his name yeah like
a john william
codling should be a very successful guy and the fact that he's talking to me in
a youtube live stream
proves that he's not lived up to his name john williams coddling if you could
give one teacher
from holy trinity the corona who would it be oh i never liked miss ammon she
wore rubber shoes she taught
english hobo she's like oh you think you're so smart because you use big words
i'm like yeah that's it
that's all it is dummy that's intelligence you ugly witch she's like you think
you're so smart because
she's big words it's against english that's that's what we're doing here yeah i
am smart because i use
big words you teach at a catholic school and you drive a car you don't have any
money
your husband pays so all those teachers had attitudes your husband's paid for
everything
it's catholic school they didn't have any money because they had to keep paying
hush money
to all the kids that got doinked hobo blues clown uh says there was an old
toothless woman sitting
outside the grocery store coughing toward the entrance here in phoenix do we euthanize
the homeless
great question and even before coronavirus the answer was yes uh no you don't euthanize
the homeless
you uh you got to get them inside places and test them that's why we should
have tests you got to test
the homeless uh someone super chatted uh please rail against aoc and say your
thought on her this is food for my soul you know it was a cool thing to rail on
her and uh i don't
like her i i get it my spidey senses go off when she starts talking i think she's
uh insincere i think
she is you know just the idea that she refused to campaign for bernie sanders
you know because she
didn't like the the endorsement of a podcast host to me shows her true colors
because if it really is
dire and trump's really hitler and everybody's dot you know then the fact that
she's not showing up
for sanders means that she's insincere i've always thought she's insincere she's
a you know she's a
politician like everybody else she's full of she'll be on the board of chase
manhattan soon
will trump send quarantine police for opponents for opponents
i don't even understand what that means me neither for like joe biden no which
city will be the first
riot in the country great question which city will be the first riot i don't
know man new york is looking
bad i tend to think it's going to be where it gets the worst but i don't know
new york is looking pretty
rough right now okay guys a lot of super chats coming in i'm going to answer
the ones that are
like five dollars and up right now yeah we're doing five dollars and up super
chats you're not getting
your question answered for 99 cents take that money and shove it up your ass
this is the end times right
now what conspiracy theory what are you spending the money on you can't go out
uh what conspiracy theories seem plausible with this virus where are the funerals
bio weapon that it's a
bio weapon is plausible that it let it leaked out i mean where are the few what
do you mean where are
the funerals they can't hold funerals dummy what are you you weren't invited to
an italian funeral
like what what do you mean where are the funerals
do you believe that the people in the hospital are actors do you believe that
all the people in
italy in their homes are actors right do you believe that my personal people
that i know personally
that you know know people in italy i don't know anyone from italy but you're
telling me andrew schultz
was a christian stephanie was a comedian frien