Name: #195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-04-12T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-12. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-04-12. Transcript available.

#195 - Take Me To The Moon | The Tim Dillon Show

when the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie it's andrew cuomo
and you're listening to this fool like pasta for jule it's chris cuomo
and the garlic nut tells you you gotta stay inside and you listen
did you see the video where chris cuomo telling you to beat coronavirus by
breathing because chris
cuomo had coronavirus and he's like a guy called me because you're chris cuomo's
a tough guy
i ain't gonna let the virus beat me i'm a garlic knot so chris cuomo sees like
a pulmonologist called
me and told me he's like chris you got that corona you gotta do it you gotta
get up the virus wants
you in your bed this guy's a tough guy couldn't handle the word fredo the virus
wants you in your
bed you gotta get up and breathe deep it's literally can we play that yeah get
chris cuomo
giving people advice on how to beat coronavirus by doing some weird chest yoga
which may help i don't
know but i mean i mean maybe he's right maybe the pulmonologist is right i just
have a low opinion
of the cuomo family he's like you gotta breathe you gotta get the virus wants
you on here we go this
is it okay so here's what i've learned here's the secret to kicking this virus
it's not a sale or a
potion it's about your will it's about your will devotion devotion wants us to
lay down the virus
wants you to lay down take it are you a fanook other than the blessed few the
rest of us who get this
are going to have an experience unlike anything else they've ever had days and
waves the old notion of
get in bed and stay there when you get sick it sounds great and if you're
really up against it uh you need
to do as little as possible i've been i love that this is all written why can't
anyone like i do it all
the time why can't you just talk like why can't he speak like he's reading
something that's written
clearly right why can't he just say talk because every speech is just prepared
for him in public
right i mean does he even have coronavirus like are are we are is there are
these people lying that like
these celebrities that say they have it do they really have it some of these
people on their instagrams
are like you know man it's been very hard for me they do like this little cough
they're like
you're like is this real did your agent call you and go hey uh you gotta you
gotta you gotta come
out that you got covet 19. there are agents calling people right now going here's
the best move for you
right now cough cough a lot on instagram live because you need people need to
follow your covet 19
journey so listen i'm gonna play some of this because maybe chris cuomo's right
okay what you know
bob grant who is a phenomenal conservative radio this is gonna be a
conservative show everybody we did a
we did a communist show last week we're gonna oscillate we go fascist communist
every other week keep
everybody happy okay i don't know who's gonna win but what i will whatever boot
is on your neck is the
one i support so uh bob grant whatever you think of his politics sure racist
whatever but a great uh
you know radio guy old-time radio guy used to go get off my phone and people
would call him up they'd be
like bob it's tony from seaside heights it was always tony from seaside heights
uh long time list
the first time caller bob what do you think about and they would just some
bullshit and he'd go you know
what tony can you do me a favor you fake phony fraud that was his kiss tag he'd
go that was his
you know signature line he'd go you fake phony fraud get off my phone and he'd
kick him off the phone
he used to call the cuomo's father mario cuomo i think he called him son of sfachim
now i don't know
what that means it's probably bad but bob grant used to make son of sfachim r.i.p
bob grant
bob grant got kicked off wabc radio because when ron brown a clinton associate
was killed in a plane
crash that's a shock someone near the clinton's killed uh bob grant said
something like the only
good news coming out of this would be if we find that ron brown is dead and he
did die and bob grant
was kicked off he was kicked off abc and then he went to wor and i used to make
my grandmother listen
to bob grant while she would drive me like to and from play practice and um
dance class so that's how
gay republicans come to be you go to dance class and you listen to bob grant
and rush limbaugh on the
way um all gay people by the way secretly republican that's true all of them
every single one of them
i'm i'm joking about that somebody by the way you want to talk about rotted
brains someone on instagram
accused me this is great they go uh in your latest sketch you say that you have
a wife and i'm like the
sketch is me playing a uh owner of a uh like a developer who owns properties
and i'm evicting
people and he goes well don't you think that saying a wife instead of husband
is like a little up and
i'm like the point of the sketch is that i'm a demon from hell real estate
developer evicting nurses from the
building and and and kicking people to the street and this is how identity
politics rots people's heads
he's like yeah but you said so i'm like so your problem is that the demon real
estate developer
isn't get you want him to be gay in the sketch that's on instagram that's what
you want let's let's
continue here with uh chris cuomo who does not have coronavirus i know but you
can't stay there um
now i'm wise to the beast and its ways it changes the fever is just softening
by the way he means
by the way the beast is ways he means jews that's what he means by that and
then they had to
you know what him and his brother say behind closed doors you know they're
small-minded
sauce monkeys you know they are you know what they say when they get a bowl of
sauce on the table
and they take a couple of hunks of bread and dip it into the pot of sauce you
know they got a couple
of choice words for who owns the media that again i'm imagining that's what
they do i have no proof of
that that's something i'm imagining chris and his neanderthal brother do
because they're neanderthals
you look at andrew cuomo's face he's a neanderthal he's a neanderthal andrew cuomo
chris cuomo is a
little you know whatever and your body hurts so you don't want to move your
body because what it
wants to do is get in your lungs that's what it wants to do i feel it constricting
my chest when i
had that chest x-ray did i i saw that infiltrate right away now i also have
something else i haven't
told you i have a low igm level which is the primary i have something else i
haven't told you i have a low
iq in fact it was embarrassing for my family to find out how low it was i'm
basically functionally
retarded that's why i have to read a script right now instead of just talking
to you like a normal
person about my experiences with coronavirus i have to read a prepared
statement because i'm genuinely on
the border of mental retardation and i have a television show i genuinely have
a television
show and cannot process information like other people so i have to have a
prepared statement about
my sickness bonds antibody i've always had a low level okay it's not something
recent it could be
genetic it could be cultural i don't know but it makes me susceptible to things
like bronchitis and
crap like that so there i was on friday night okay i was not going to do the
show tonight i was done
uh i was in a pool of sweat 12 hours later i was in the same damn place i hadn't
slept a minute i was
just soaked and scared honest to god so then i get a call from a friend of a
friend of a friend now this
keeps happening to me now uh this new reality of how much people just care i
have this new network
of not just sources but really good people and they all come this way friend of
a friend of a friend
do you think it's because your brothers do you think chris let me ask you a
question let me ask you a
question here do you think some of that network is because your brother's the
governor do you think
that's a possibility i don't know do you think that i'm not sure do you think
it's because you have a
television show some people he's like i have this great network now of people
that truly care about
me they really care keep going battling this all over the country in the world
and people want to
beat the beast so this doctor calls me up asks me about my symptoms he's a pulmonary
expert and says
can you get up i say yeah i can get up he says do it he says can you stretch
your torso i said what do you
how great would it be somebody pranking chris cuomo like somebody just getting
them to do like
how are you yes this is daniel cohen i'm a pulmonary expert at langone i'm just
calling you
can you get up right now can you stretch your torso can you do you know the
funky chicken dance i
want you to do that right now and i know you're going to laugh but i'm going to
tell you right now
the funky chicken's movements open up the passageways in your lungs that get
the virus out
so i want you to do that right now and i want you to do it outside of your
house
because it's you need the fresh air can you do the running man can you do the
running man right now can
you let me tell you why the running man increases circulation in such a way
that the virus is less
able to bind to your red blood cells can you do the running man right now can
you put you a video
of you doing the running man on your instagram account right now can you do
that let me ask you
another question and this is going to seem but you got to stick with me i'm the
head pulmonologist can
you do blackface can you do let me tell you why blackface helps if you put
blackface on your face
the virus gets scared because the virus is racist you know the way asians feel
about blacks the virus
is very racist so if you do blackface the virus doesn't get in there do you see
what i mean
you want to keep going yeah we gotta like this i'm like oh god it's like yeah
no it doesn't feel
that good he said do it he said can you hold your breath i said probably not to
do it you do it do
it and then who is this gave me the key he said he heard me say that i wanted
to keep this out of my
lungs and he said i saw your x-rays it's in your lungs and you got the right
fear and you got the
wrong approach you can't wait it out he said you have to fight and not in some
silly metaphorical way
uh this isn't about like channeling rocky or eye of the tiger you've got to do
the things
that will beat this virus you got to breathe deep when it hurts and it hurts i
know it hurts and i'm
not trying to minimize anybody's pain when you get a fever spike and that hurts
he said you can't take
confidence that it's going to go down they're going to be spikes for at least
10 days when you get a
fever you got to layer up you got a drink you got it's amazing about this virus
by the way no and we're
done with him but nobody has any clue at all what's going on like nobody has
any like not a clue right
no like fever for 10 days like what are we saying here what are we talking
about what is going on
nobody has a clue now they said you read something they said soap doesn't do
anything ventilators make
it worse soap doesn't kill the coronavirus yeah ventilators yeah ventilators
make it worse
soon they're going to say hand sanitizer spreads it like what what do you know
hand sanitizer you like
you saw this too now it's saying 13 feet well these are scare monger articles
these coronavirus
found in air samples up to 13 feet away none of that they don't know if it's
infectious particles or not
like you know listen man they found coronavirus on that cruise ship the diamond
princess the grand princess
whatever it was what was it called the diamond princess the diamond princess i
want to go on a cruise to the
diamond princess i want to go how you're gonna love it it's the diamond
princess cruise
i wanted to go somewhere in mexico but nowhere scary
the diamond princess only 17 of people on the boat contracted the virus which
means and listen to me
because i am a microbiologist okay i i i you know i have a doctorate