Name: #199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-05-10T04:00:14.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-10. Transcript available.

#199 - Monkey Sex Traffickers | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen live from a stunning estate it is the tim dylan show thank
you for joining us
we are here from beverly hills california in the middle of a nationwide
quarantine in response to
the pandemic of covet 19 which we all know is fake but we are doing our part
pretending along
with everyone else that there is a disease out there called coronavirus and
that people are
dying from it we know full well we know full well that everybody who's dying
never existed
and that all of the nurses and the doctors are actors hired by who by dr anthony
fauci
by bill gates
and greta van sust i don't know i'm just saying that maybe she's involved and i
learned this all
watching plandemic plandemic the youtube documentary
from a thick woman a thick older lass who looks like she flogs her children
after she's had a few
cocktails of course the youtube thugs whom i respect thanks for having us
capitulated to social pressure and yanked the documentary off
um and i have no i've never agreed with that method of dealing with
misinformation
making it sexier by removing it people want to hear what i just said
i started the show and i said coronavirus is fake people want to hear that
people want to hear that
the idea that there's an orwellian plan uh that's in place i think that is
actually comforting
instead of the idea that this is a chaotic
period of time it's a mess nobody knows what's going on there is no plan good
or bad yes people are
going to use this crisis to accelerate things they wanted to do you will leave
this crisis with less
freedom you left 9 11 with less freedom every day you wake up by the time you
go to bed
guess what you have less freedom it's true you're not paying attention to it
because you're you're you're
out you're doing things um there's some credibility issues with the woman who
did plandemic by the way
um
i don't care what you believe i don't know what i believe
is this being overstated exaggerated probably do we know that i don't know that
um how contagious is it how transmissible is it i don't know any of that i
speak to doctors i speak
to some nurses i don't know please stop messaging me plandemic okay enjoy your
life
find a way to enjoy your life i'm deadly serious about this there's not much of
it left
figure out a way to enjoy your life and it is not watching plandemic is fauci
shady probably
he's been a government official for decades they're all shady they all make
deals i don't know what bill
and melinda are doing i don't know i'm sure there's a good with the bad i don't
know if bill gates is satan
i don't think he is
but i'm also not willing to hand a handful of billionaires control over the
planet they've
taken it anyway whether i'm willing to hand it to them or not they've they've
got it you can wrestle
it back potentially but i'm taking this seriously i've made a pact with myself
i will not
visit my family under any circumstances i will not attend a family function i
don't care if states open
up i don't care if they find a vaccine i don't care if coronavirus disappears
off the face of the earth
and it's 10 years from now i still will not do it won't do it i will not go and
spend time with my family
because i owe that to the heroes i owe it to them i owe it to the heroes to be
steadfast in my commitment
i am deleting them out of my phone they're done they're done now
people are on zoom calls with their family no thank you it's too tempting to be
on a zoom call with your
family because you might think hey down the road i'm going to visit those
people and break bread with
them not me no i'm steadfast
so i'll tell you that that's very important and i want you know how seriously i'm
taking it for the heroes
even in 10 years when no one's even mentioned coronavirus i'm still and many of
my family members are on the death
bed i still will honor the work the heroes have done and not visit my family
i've deleted them from my phone
i've gotten rid of them because it is not safe i will not be sending birthday
presents or wedding
presents ask ben i will not send an amazon package of coronavirus to his home
no no i won't do it
it kills me to not do it it destroys me as a human being to not do it all i
want to do
is give him a present for his wedding he chose not to have i want to buy him a
big whatever
go on the registry i don't know what the they want over there a juicer i don't
know i didn't look
but i would give it to them and i'd wrap it in a shiny bow i would and i'd
i drop it right at their door and now i can't because it'll be full of corona
balls
and i won't do it i i love giving gifts i love providing for the people that i
care about
giving them a thing watching them open it with with big bright eyes nothing
would make me happier
than to give this man a wedding present but i can't do it because why because i
don't go in front
of a nurse and spit in her face and it would be doing that i'm not getting any
i
even before the pandemic i don't want to be out in the open and telling people
that i kind of knew
what was going to go on but even before this pandemic i was not sending
presents to my family
through the mail because i know a little bit about virology i know a little bit
about the way things work
i wasn't just willy-nilly sending things through the mail that you're opening
up and that it could kill
you sorry i've been taking them by time this is the new world we're living in
and i'm doing it because
i want to honor the work that is being done on my behalf another thing i'm not
doing i am no longer
entertaining the idea of having a friend that is not worth 10 million dollars i'm
done with that why
because i want to only be friends with philanthropists that give their money to
better society
i want to spend time with people that giveth of themselves they giveth what
they haveth
that's who i'm spending time with so it's very hard to be a philanthropist if
you don't have
an eight-figure bank account so that's who i'm choosing to spend my time with
because of
the corona pandemic that's why i'm ordering food every day and not cooking
because of the economy
i've chosen to not cook or clean or wash dishes because of the corona pandemic
yes i could fry an
egg while people starve in the street i choose not to i choose to order things
even when they're
completely unnecessary like napkins and bottles of water but i order them
because i want people to live
sorry sorry i like a plague where the only thing i can do is lay on my couch
and order postmates
that's what i can do other people can do other things they have different skill
sets some of them can
intubate patients some of them can deliver things to the local hospital i can
stay home
order food not send people presents and not spend any time with family i choose
to do that
why because i want to win i want to win can you fight like i'm fighting can you
fight or are you gonna
roll over start cooking start reaching out to family members and asking them
how they are
and making plans to eventually see them like a terrorist have a little class
how about that
stop sending me plandemic.
Whether this was planned or not,
I've adjusted.
And I suggest you do too.
Because you're a hero,
whether you know it or not.
I don't know what Anthony Fauci's doing.
I've never gotten a flu vaccine.
And I've never had the flu.
What does that mean?
I don't know.
I don't know.
That's not a scholarly paper.
That's not peer-reviewed science.
I just never walked into a CVS and said,
get the needle out.
I've never walked into a...
Now, Raymond Kump has gotten a lot of flu shots.
I don't know.
I guess he's...
And I think he's gotten the flu.
I don't know.
Some vaccines are good.
Some vaccines are bad.
That's what it is.
I don't know which ones are which.
All of you do.
All of my friends know everything immediately overnight about Fauci and the
World Health Organization.
There is no health.
There is no health.
There is no such thing as health.
How about that?
I'm going to go even further.
You want a conspiracy?
I'll give you the big one.
I'll give you the bigger one.
The biggest one.
There is no such thing as health.
You're not healthy.
You're not healthy.
There's no such thing.
It doesn't exist.
Let me prove it to you.
Friend of mine was healthy.
Got in a car accident and died.
How healthy were they?
Couldn't handle a little pile up on the Long Island Expressway.
Died instantly.
Not healthy to me.
Adele was fat.
Now she's thin.
Didn't look good fat.
Doesn't look good thin.
Sounds great.
In both incarnations.
Didn't care about her fat.
I don't care about her thin.
It's good.
The songs are good.
She sings.
She deserves her fame and her $150 million.
What she looks like doesn't affect you.
Be fat.
Be thin.
Doesn't matter.
Doesn't really matter.
It's better to be thin than fat.
Harder for a lot of people but better.
But doesn't necessarily make you healthy.
I know a lot of thin people that are fucked.
Don't kid yourself.
Thin motherfuckers walking around waiting to drop dead.
What is this health?
What is it?
I don't understand what it is.
You go to a doctor's office and they tell you,
That looks good.
Who are they?
Who are they?
I subscribe to, I've never trusted Western medicine.
When you start to get to a certain level of wealth and you live in California,
you get very skeptical of Western medicine.
I'm starting to connect with the tribes and many of the peoples that I feel are
like many white women of a certain means, age group and denomination of money.
I now I'm starting to think about chakras and energy and auras.
It's not all bullshit, okay?
It's not all bullshit.
You get, you know, people are depressed and anxious in this country.
And here's what people aren't going to want to hear.
Here's what people don't want to understand.
There is, and I'm going to tell you, this is going to sound controversial.
People aren't going to like this.
There's no such thing as cancer.
You just have a bad attitude.
Do you understand?
Do you get it?
You have a bad attitude.
You're, you're, you're cranky.
And you're negative.
And that little ball of negativity becomes a cancer.
You eat sugar and white bread all day.
You get, you crash.
You think it's depression and anxiety.
It's a bad diet.
And then the pharmaceutical companies come in and then they try to save you
with their medications.
It's a cycle.
The over the, my mother all, her whole life took over the counter medications,
Sudafed.
Everything she could get her hands on.
Pep herself up.
Put a little pep in her step.
Clear out her nasal cavity.
Make her feel better.
She had hay fever and allergies and every, every ailment you could imagine.
Every plant that was on the planet was conspiring to kill my mother.
Personally.
They all had meetings and they wanted to just do her in.
Every tree was a potential threat.
Every vine that hung down was a potential deadly situation for my mother.
Unless she could put a few Sudafed down her throat.
It's not good.
Stop with the Dayquil.
Stop taking bright orange tablets of goo.
Stop drinking Robitussin unless you're a white young rapper.
You don't need the over the counter shit.
My grandmother used to get sick.
You know what she did?
She had chicken soup and water.
And she got over it.
And they all lived to their late 80s.
We have aisles and aisles of fucking shit in the grocery store and the pharmacist.
You do not need.
You do not need this shit.
Mucinex.
It just alleviates your symptoms.
It doesn't cure or heal you.
Understand your chakra.
Understand your spirit guides.
You don't got a spirit guide?
It's because you're clogging your mouth up with Robitussin.
Get it out of there.
Get a spirit guide.
My spirit guide is a racist.
So I had to get another one.
My spirit guide was a very racist being.
I didn't realize that when I first got them.
But after a while, they started displaying signs that were very troubling.
In the beginning, it was all they appeared in light.
And they would, you know, walk me through the gardens of life.
Then they started talking about the p