Name: #200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-05-17T13:04:22.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-17. Transcript available.

#200 - Knife Fights In Malibu | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I am sunburned again, and
I have aloe vera on my face now, so I look shiny and red, and you can ridicule
that if you'd like, but I got that sunburn in at least a $7 million home. It
was a stunning estate, and many of you, let's just put it this way, it wasn't
your average lake house, okay?
I know you're out there like, well, it's just, it's the same beach. It ain't.
It truly ain't. LAPD now wants to test everyone for coronavirus that they
arrest, so if you cannot get a coronavirus test in Los Angeles, commit a crime.
Commit a crime, and you'll be taken care of. No problem.
We've got our magic spoon for our 200th episode. We'll be treating ourselves to
some magic spoon cereal with zero grams of sugar, three net carbs, 11 grams of
protein, and of course some almond milk, you know, we're not going to talk
about them because they don't fucking give us anything. Fuck them.
That's what it is out here. My dad, we're going to get into this later on in
the episode, but my father sent me a, I don't know what you would call it. It's
just the, it's the rules.
There's one restaurant in Long Island. I don't know if he's been there. I'm
sure he likes it. He, you know, I'm sure he's been there and likes it, but he
sent me a, you know, it's on their website.
The rules of how they're going to reopen their restaurant. And it's kind of
crazy. All of the things that they're going to have to do just to get any type
of crowd back in the restaurant.
And I don't know why it's not coming up there. It comes up on my phone. Look at
my dad's thing. It comes up immediately on the phone. It might just not be
coming up there.
No one's going to go out to eat. This is what's, we're really going to, what it's
coming down to. When you, when we go through all the rules that, I mean, it did
no one.
And I love going out to eat. It's no one loves it that much that you're going
to sit there and then people are going to come out and beekeeper outfits and
then hand you a butter.
And then there's going to be a bowl of hand sanitizer and there's not going to
be any tablecloths and they're going to be wiping down the table.
You can, it's going to be a carwash. Who the hell wants to eat in a fucking carwash
where everything, what are you smiling about?
I'm reading the rules. The rules are insane. Read some of the rules.
These are some of the rules for this Italian restaurant in Long Island to just,
to just get back to serving any kind of food inside.
All right. Reopening guidelines. All employees will wear gloves and masks
during service until recommended by the CDC or New York state.
Fun. So let's just picture that. You're at a table, you're at a table in the
restaurant in Long Island, by the way.
Half of these people aren't following the rules. They're going to take the mask
off and be like, you know, this is bullshit.
The whole thing is fake, but Obama, you know, Obama created this to make a
fucking us wear masks. Yeah.
So I got to fucking wear this shit.
Hand sanitizer will be readily available to guests.
Hand sanitizer will be readily available. And I'm sure in Long Island, they'll
do it in a very classy way.
I'm sure there's going to be a very classy way to get hand sanitizer to the
guests, like fountains of it that are, you know, lit on fire.
There's going to be like hand sanitizer ice luges in steakhouses in Long Island.
People just stick in their dirty mitts in a fucking big bowl of hand sanitizer.
I'm sure that I'm sure that's smart.
Masks and gloves will be provided by the restaurant. Please alert management if
there is none.
Great. So not only are the waitstaff in masks and gloves, you will get masks
and gloves from the management so that you can put it on.
So you can have gloves and a mask on while you're eating.
So that you just take the mask down and eat and then put the mask back up, I
guess.
I guess.
I guess.
I don't know.
I don't know how well thought out this is.
All tables are disinfected before and after seatings and service hours.
Good.
So they disinfect it right in front of you like, you know, like sitting at a
Wendy's where they come up with a spray bottle and then they wipe it down.
There's nothing better than paying $75 for a steak and getting the table
sprayed down in front of you by a guy in a mask.
Kitchen will be sanitized.
I mean, that makes sense.
Well, it won't be.
But that's anything out of sight.
Well, nothing's happening, especially in Long Island.
We're not doing any of this fag shit in the kitchen.
Keep the food coming.
Keep it hot.
Keep it coming.
All surfaces are wiped down, disinfected routinely following cleaning schedule.
Great.
So just every surface you see is going to get a dirty rag going across it
multiple times a night.
There's nothing better than going out for a romantic meal and just watching
people clean.
God.
Nothing better than the smell of hand sanitizer and disinfectant, which we're
all fucking desensitized to now, by the way.
Just the smell of hand sanitizer.
Oh, honey, how are you?
Don't you enjoy that?
What's that aroma?
Oh, it's ammonia.
Do you like it?
It's the chemical that's going to kill us in several years worse than the
coronavirus will.
This is nine pages long.
It's nine pages.
Keep going for a little bit.
I just want to know a few more of the things.
All sanitation is scheduled and recorded.
Okay.
Health.
Guest health.
Guests will be asked for contact info for notifications.
This is when it gets good.
Keep going with this.
This is some of my favorite.
Read this again.
Guests will be asked for contact info for notifications of contagion and pledge
that they have not felt any symptoms of COVID-19.
A pledge.
And we all know in Long Island, it's a truthful group of people.
So they will.
And they're also going to be asked about their family history before they get
in the restaurant.
By the way, that's going to cheer everybody up.
So, hey, Vinny, we hate to do this, but you know anybody that died of COVID?
Yeah, my mother fucking died in a fucking nursing home.
I'm trying to fucking forget that.
Cuomo let her fucking burn in there.
It should have lit it on fire.
Let them fucking burn.
This motherfucker let her burn.
It gives himself a raise.
I was trying to forget about that, but coming out here to La Abundanza and
trying to have fucking lasagna, and now I got to talk about it.
Okay, this one I don't understand.
Matilda's law will be enforced as long as it remains in effect.
Okay, Matilda's law, a lot of people don't know what Matilda's law is on Long
Island.
Matilda's law is if a woman is enough of a bitch, she doesn't have to follow
any of these rules.
So, Matilda's law is named after a woman named Matilda Fabrizzi-Cohen, and she
was an Italian Jew, and she was the most annoying person that's ever lived.
And no matter what the law is, she's such a cunt, and she's so loud that they
just let her.
She's like, I'm not putting on no fucking mask.
I don't give a shit.
So, that's Matilda's law.
I don't know what Matilda's law is.
Okay, so this one, I don't know if this holds up.
Customers over 70 are not allowed to dine within our walls.
I love that.
Customers over 70, which is everyone on Long Island.
The youngest person in Long Island is in their mid-60s.
Everyone over 70 is not allowed to dine within our walls.
How nice is that?
70-year-olds can't go to dinner anymore.
Wow.
70 is not that old either.
No, it's not.
70 years old, you can't go to dinner.
Not within our walls.
You can eat in the parking lot.
You can eat in the lot.
Employees will take and record contactless temperature checks as well as take
health pledge daily.
The health pledge.
Yeah.
I'm sure no one will lie about that.
And by the way, what if you have a symptom of COVID and you don't have COVID?
Right.
Doesn't this sound like it seems like it's a lot?
And by the way, if this is that transmissible, does any of this fucking even
help?
Well, maximum parties of four.
Maximum parties of four.
I like that.
I do like that.
Someone's got to go.
This is going to be a renegotiation of all the risks we take in our life.
People are going to be like, how much do we like these people?
How much do we want to have dinner with them?
How much does this couple need to be here?
Do we really like that movie?
Do we really like that comedian?
Do we really?
And I'm here to tell you what industries are going to go and what are going to
stay.
I'm going to tell you that.
Okay?
Because I have a Facebook.
That's my qualifications.
I'm a citizen.
And I'll tell you, any industry that involves me is going to stay for a little
while.
It's going to stay around.
And I'm not, and that is a conflict of interest, but it's the truth.
College is done.
You fuckers that are paying $40,000 a year to learn where and when you start
vomiting.
What beer is too many.
What beer is too many.
What your tolerance is.
And sitting around listening to professors babble who have no other marketable
skills except talking.
Who are those people?
Can you imagine that some people, these professors, they do nothing but talk
for hours.
And it's the only money they make is talking.
It's ridiculous.
And it'll be stopped.
I won't allow it.
A post-COVID world will not allow these bloviating professors.
Blah, blah, blah.
They say anything and that's all they do is just sit or stand and talk.
And I am disgusted with that archetype of person.
So they're going to have to get real fucking jobs and figure it out.
College is done.
I am sorry.
It needs to be remodeled and remade into something that prepares people for
actual life.
It should prepare you for actually doing something.
You can't spend years and years just having weird threesomes and protesting
things you barely
understand and, you know, sitting in the library doing Adderall.
It's time to come into the world.
Come to the market now.
See what skills you have.
We got to start reforming college and we will.
A lot of colleges, struggling colleges are not going to make it through this.
This is a big scam.
Try to ensure guests stay separate while waiting to be seated.
Correct.
So if one party of four comes in and another party of four comes in and they
might want
to talk to each other because they live in the same neighborhood or know each
other, they
can't do that.
Somebody is going to have to come up to them and go, listen, will you two shut
the fuck up?
And you, here's what's hilarious about this.
Do you know how inartfully this is going to be done on Long Island?
Do you have any idea?
Hey, you know, you're not supposed to fucking talk.
Cut the fucking talking out.
Just shut the fuck up for five minutes.
We're getting your table, Donna.
God, we don't want to get shut down by the government.
I mean, do you know how poorly this will all be executed in Long Island?
I don't, they don't make it a day with all of these regulations.
There's no way this even happens in Long Island.
There's no way.
There's a whole section about mental health.
Oh, there's a whole section about mental health.
It is an island where I would say on Long Island, 30% of people are mentally
ill, mentally unwell.
30% of them are mentally unwell.
The whole section about mental health.
We've all heard it.
If you can't take the heat, then best day out of the kitchen.
But all too often in the restaurant industry, the heat burns on longer than
your shift.
This mandatory pause of service has allowed us to consider what's already a
global issue in-house service.
Mental well-being.
Yeah.
Mental well-being.
Great.
It's a new world, folks.
You want a bowl of spaghetti?
Get ready for an episode of American Ninja Warrior to get to your table.
Get ready for hurdles and foam pits and sanitizer and, you know, get ready for
it.
It's insane, but I don't know.
I just don't know who's...
I love going out to dinner.
It's one of the things I specialize in.
I'm very good at it.
Some people aren't good at it.
We all know the people that aren't good at it.
They don't know what they're doing.
They say stupid thi