Name: #201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump) | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-05-24T04:00:15.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump) | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-24. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump) | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-24. Transcript available.

#201 - A Sense Of Time (ft. Ray Kump) | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dillon show it is memorial day weekend
the kickoff to
summer and what a wild and wet summer it's gonna be it's gonna be partying boozing
it up at the
beach buds and suds real fun splishing and splashing what a joyous time we're
gonna have
this summer i mean could anything be more fun masks and gloves and spikes and
wave runners
jet skis beach balls and corona balls and just you know make of it what you
will the fun's there
if you find it the fun is there if you find it ventilators and fireworks what a
summer beaches
are opening up i guess they have a drones drones will fly over to beaches tell
you to social distance
in the water that'll be nice won't it won't that be nice you're on the beach
and a drone goes please
keep six feet of distance be nice just you'll be like is that a jellyfish you'll
see it's just a drone
right i'll see just drones in the water swimming around is that a shark no it's
the robotic it's a
robotic reminder to stay six feet away from another human being isn't that nice
what a fun summer it's
gonna be i'm trying to do i'm on these some of these dating apps man the
nightmare the hell of some of
these dating apps people are just really first of all the humor on dating apps
like the cute
cutesy humor like the great thing about people that are really hot is that they
never have to
communicate effectively that's such an important part of really hot people's
relationships is because
their commute their communication is all physical so when you see really hot
people talk to each other
they just giggle because they're just want to each other the whole time and
they're just thinking
about how much they want to the other person and then they're just like
laughing at that they're
like giggling they're like oh my god oh the bread's good i wanted to be your
dick but other people
have to like actually try to relate to other people and it's nightmarish like
they're on
these dating apps like one guy goes if you don't like disney like we'll get
along if you like disney
it's like you have a you have a disney ultimatum like what is wrong with you
you have a disney
deal breaker just the dumb jokes that and also the trump shirts and the like
that's your life that you
don't like trump that's your whole that's what you you that's what you're
selling that you you don't like
trump there's nothing else except that how sad how deeply tragic your life must
be
and all these dating app questions are like if there was a movie about your
life what would it be it's
like these stupid dumb meaningless you know cutesy fun questions you're
supposed to have like
cute banter you're supposed to like comment on people's questions and
everything like that it's so
worthless you know like you look at these my favorite thing to do alone is
listen to vibey music and chill
this is these are real people fact about me that surprises people i speak spanish
fluently
i mean what i i wanted to write like fact about me that surprises someone i
killed a woman something like
that that's real humor not some goofy that's something like actually funny
my love language is acts of service
i mean how sick are these people
my personal brand is dark humor as a defense coping mechanism that's somebody
and i guarantee
they have a horrible sense of humor god it's just so bad out there man i'm not
saying i'm surprised
but i'm able to come up with better answers than this what i order for the
table every time somebody
goes mozzarella sticks every time where are you where are you eating you trash
bag
gay guys always think they're the star of their own movie so they love things
like this they're
they're incapable of realizing that there are other people out there and that
they are not interesting
they're not stars they're not they the whole show does not need to be centered
around them
but it's not possible for many of them because many of them were told they were
very special
their whole entire life people told me i was special but they were right see
the difference they were
correct but a lot of other people were getting bad information fake news the
summer is here and the
beaches are opening and uh it's going to be very fun to see uh how this plays
out uh i don't know anything
about virus transmission so we shall see cdc was like by the way it doesn't
really live on surfaces
our bad thought it lived on surfaces you know how you were wiping down your
groceries for the last three
months frantically scrubbing every surface you came in contact with well we
were wrong about that sorry
we figured we would err on the side of caution and just tell you that this
thing's trying to kill you
uh on every way on inanimate objects out of the mouths of people we just
figured that
the default was to have you terrified of everything not only people but desks
elevator buttons anything now i'm sure it is possible transmission but they say
that
transmission is actually rather unlikely the great ray comp will be coming up
in the broadcast
later on he is not dead that was a rumor floating around ray comp is alive and
wild as ever and when
he comes on the show today he drops some i mean things we should probably edit
out he's completely
he's just he's an untamed man you know he is just i believe i asked him how he
was doing with the
quarantine one time and he said i'm no longer in a dark room i have a sense of
time yeah that was his
answer i am no longer in a dark room i have a sense of time so just to give you
an idea of of of what
you're dealing with there with the great ray comp when he joins us as well
thank you everybody for
retweeting you know or sharing on instagram the corona ball video that we made
where i
wore a corona ball costume and went around los angeles i did not think my
career was going to be
this but it is um we live in uh you know life is an unending series of
nightmares and that is
i got rid of my manager who i'd been with for three years good guy but we just
had to part ways i
wanted a real hollywood manager i've signed with somebody by the name of jis
lane maxwell
and she is going to be representing me we'll put her info on the website if
anybody wants to contact
her we haven't had a face-to-face meeting yet but she seems very excited about
the brand she wants
to meet me in a canyon by malibu late at night so who knows she told me to come
alone without a cell
phone weird these hollywood managers are weird you know melinda gates is going
to drive me melinda
gates said she'll drive me to this meeting with my new hollywood manager you
know it'll be awkward
if i met bill and melinda you know yeah i was like hey what's up bill gates is
like did you do a video
where you implied that i had sex with a bat and gave birth to coronavirus and i'd
have to go yes i did
because you didn't not do that bill you know but go smash that retweet button
that's what youtubers
talk to like yo what's up it's your boy it's your boy tim dylan youtube yo what's
up youtube it's your boy
tip to smash that like button smash that reach today we're filling my kiddie
pool with cheerios
i don't know why we're doing it but we're doing it and it's got 90 million
views because we live in a
fallen world where people have no families in the role on opiates and they just
want to put makeup on
their face and watch me swim around in cheerios because life's a hell anyway
death to anyone that had any
talent like and subscribe smash that retweet button today i'm driving a lamborghini
up a hill don't
know why but you're gonna watch it love it and share it don't you wish you had
a lamborghini
you've got nothing inside of you don't even look don't even look for anything
to put inside of you
just like and subscribe smash it baby that's what youtube's all about you know
youtube's all about
it's like what if we ate chicken fingers in a hot air balloon that's like what
youtube content is
they're like like and subscribe you know we're spending a lot of money on this
video but i don't
care because i want to make you guys happy i want to make you guys happy that's
why for this video we're
giving my grandma covet 19. that's right he's just like six kids going just
grabbing an old woman
just coughing down her throat we're switching my grandmother's venter ventilator
out with an
accordion like and subscribe smash that retweet button i'm li i've literally
never felt i have no
conscience i'm perfectly suited to succeed in this country like and subscribe
smash the retweet button
my best friend died in front of me and i didn't blink smash that retweet button
like and subscribe
i'm 46 and i dress like a 12 year old like and subscribe
i'm in my mid 40s my fan base is nine like and subscribe
i mean
so we're just trying to succeed in new mediums that's what we're trying to do
we're trying to go
into new mediums it's i'm not perfect i get it you know i'm just you know i'm
just trying to branch out
into the into the new world we're trying to make funny things that's all
so go like and subscribe so go subscribe to the tim dylan show on youtube if
all of you did that that
would be great but many of you don't do that and i don't know why because you
think you're better
because you're listening to this while you jog around and you don't go
subscribe okay
support youtube's not helping us instagram is not going to help us none of
these tech
giants are going to help us because we're you know we're a little edgy a little
unpredictable
we're funny it's just funny mark norman had a great point he goes edgy just
used to mean funny
right like he would go to meetings and they'd be like yeah that that's this
thing you're doing is
edgy like that's good right they'd be like we're nervous but like it just meant
funny so all we are
here is funny so go and support us we appreciate how much you guys support the
patreon we love that
that's great our patreon episodes are good but also in the larger scheme of
things we also need to make
sure that you guys are out there and you know wearing the merch sharing the
episodes literally
being devoted to me in a way that's unhealthy scaring people losing friends
over how much you bring up
the videos stalking me trying to kill me forcing me to live somewhere else deep
in the hollywood hills
with security afraid to leave my house coming up to me in grocery stores
screaming when you see me
falling down on the street crying making it uncomfortable threatening to kill
yourself killing
yourself coming back to life because it didn't work telling me that i'm the
reason that you came back
to life you met me in the afterlife and i am god that's the youtube fame that's
the type of fame
that those motherfuckers have and that's a fame that i deserve i deserve a fan
base of emo psychopaths on the
edge of of a mass shooting or killing themselves but instead they decide to
consume my content
i deserve instagram dms and twitter dms from people telling me that i'm the
only thing that stands
between them and putting a gun in their mouth that's what i deserve that's the
kind of fan base i deserve
not these lackluster 30 year olds that may see me at zany's and may not i mean
a hardcore group of sick
fucks that need help cutters people that are afraid to leave their home the
only reason they
do it is on the off chance that they'll bump into me in a barking lot and it'll
be like moses in the
burning bush and they fall and start screaming they they drop their phone
because they're shaking they
go into some parkinson's like frenzy whenever they see me and people that even
look like me fat
people and lesbians anybody that looks like me they do a double take and their
pulse quickens and their
heart goes up that's the kind of fan base i deserve i'm sick of these comedy
fan lackluster maybe we'll
see him when he comes into tulsa maybe he won't i want a digital fan base of
psychopaths kids that are
sent home from school because they're good they're they're they might self-harm
and i want the only
thing to be in their phone is a picture of me and they've 