Name: #202 - Puppies Rainbows Candy Lamborghinis | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-05-31T04:00:11.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#202 - Puppies Rainbows Candy Lamborghinis | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-31. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#202 - Puppies Rainbows Candy Lamborghinis | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-05-31. Transcript available.

#202 - Puppies Rainbows Candy Lamborghinis | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
Can everybody just be nice?
Just be nice!
That's the ethos of America.
Just be nice.
Can't you be nice?
Everybody's got problems.
Everybody's got problems.
Even the cop who put his knee on that guy's neck and murdered him.
Doesn't he deserve our pity?
Shouldn't we be nice to him?
Shouldn't we be nice to people?
Shouldn't we be nice to Target?
Why not?
It's Target!
It's our friend Target!
It's Uncle Target!
Why in God's name would you ever damage a hair on the head of Uncle Target?
Or Ant AutoZone?
Or Dyke Ant?
These are corporations.
They're our family.
They're our family.
They're more important than people!
Well, corporations are made of people, Tim.
Shut up!
They're made of slaves and drones.
With a few people.
What is it accomplished to burn down your community?
What community?
The people that are burning the community down don't own the community.
They've been prevented from doing so.
With laws that have prevented them from owning the things.
So maybe they don't have an attachment to it like you do.
Maybe they're not as attached to it as you are.
Because they didn't inherit a home.
With a nice lawn and a big backyard.
And they didn't get a small business loan to start a business.
They don't feel as connected to the community as you do.
Because cops can put, you know, can step on their throat whenever they want.
So they don't feel as connected to the community.
Why would they ever touch Target?
That's where I buy towels!
You should be looting Target regardless of what the fucking cops do.
You should loot Target every day.
You should wake up, leave your house, and loot Target.
The government of this country shut down the economy.
Gave you $1,200 and gave billionaires the rest of that bailout.
It was the largest transfer of wealth in fucking human history.
And people are upset because somebody ran out of Target with a Panini press.
Grow the fuck up.
Forget for a minute George, what's his name, George Floyd?
Forget that for a second.
And just think about what else has gone on in the past three months.
It's the idea that the, you know, and I'm not for violence.
I don't want anybody hurt.
And I don't want anybody's private property fucked with.
And I know that that's what's coming.
And I know that these riots, they just, you know, these violence begets
violence.
But as an observer to look back and to not realize why this is happening
and why that it has a justification,
it means that you're not paying any fucking attention and haven't been.
Things ain't good.
They ain't good.
I know they're good on Netflix.
I know they're nice.
The TV shows you watch.
Just be nice.
Just be nice out there.
Don't call anyone names.
Well, things are, things are much worse than that.
They're further along the line.
They're further down the line than just that.
There's a lot of luxury problems we have in this country.
And there's a lot of people that don't have the luxury of having those problems.
They don't have food.
Their water is the color of Nestle Quick.
And the cops have been putting their kids in jail.
Have been putting them in jail.
And I mean, listen.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
I don't know what to tell you.
But the whole idea of, like, we're going to do a beer summit where Obama's
going to go down there and have a beer with this cop and forgive him.
And then the cop's going to go on Ellen and do a 1970s-style dance.
He's going to, or he's going to do some old Depression-era big bandy dance.
He's down there doing the Charleston with Ellen.
It's not going to work anymore.
It's just not going to work.
People have had it.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
I'm sorry.
Yes, I would like to live in a world where things aren't burning down and there's
not civil unrest in the streets.
But, I mean, if anybody has been paying attention to anything that has ever
happened, even if you were paying attention by accident, you kind of get where
this has been going.
You get where it's been going.
I don't really feel bad for Target.
I don't feel bad for AutoZone.
You know, that police precinct got burned.
Because, and I love, by the way, they just charged the cop.
We're recording this Friday.
They just charged the cop, you know.
And, you know, people are like, they don't know what new evidence the cop
looked at, the DA looked at, that made him charge the cop.
It's like, yeah, the looting, the burning of the city made the DA go, you know
what, maybe we should, like, charge the cop who did this and arrest him.
I don't know.
Maybe George Floyd died of coronavirus.
I don't know.
That's the next thing.
You're going to be like, well, he's tested positive for COVID-19.
I don't know.
I'm unaware of what happened.
But I'll tell you this.
The amount of people out there defending Target, I find to be laughable.
People should burn Target down on the reg, on the regular.
Burn Target down.
Gives a fuck.
Well, there's employees at Target.
Yeah, I'm sure they're upset.
I'm sure they're upset they can't go into work at Target.
I'm sure there's a lot of tears flowing right now for the employees of Target
that they can't go to Target because it got torched.
You know?
So that they don't have the honor of working at Target and then leaving and
having a cop stomp on their throat on the way home from Target.
Yeah, why change that world?
It's been working so well for everybody.
It is what it is, folks.
You know?
I'm not a proponent of people getting hurt.
And I know it's easy for me to say shit on Twitter because I'm not out there
throwing Molotov cocktails.
You know?
But, I mean, what am I supposed to sit in judgment of people who are and be
like, they're thugs and animals.
It's like, yeah, dude, cops don't treat me the way they treat black people.
I'll tell you that much.
They just don't.
You know?
I did drugs.
I grew up on Long Island.
Me and my friends drove around very wealthy areas.
We got high a lot.
We drove around mansions, smoking weed.
Seldom bothered by police.
You know?
Seldom pulled over.
I drove drunk a lot.
A lot.
Hammered.
Yes.
Have I been pulled over?
Yes.
Has my license been suspended?
Yes.
Have I had interactions and run-ins with cops?
A hundred percent.
But you want to look at the percentage of those versus the percentage of law-abiding
black?
I was breaking the law.
Law-abiding black people have much higher percentages of having incidents with
police.
They're much more likely to be killed and much more likely to be taken into
jail and arrested.
So when people get angry when this thing happens and then people go out there
and they set fire to places, it's because they are powerless.
They have no power.
You've given them no power in society.
They don't believe...
I mean, dude, Epstein victims should be doing this.
We're going to talk about that documentary in a second.
But it's like, yeah, these are children that were being fucked on an island by
a guy who got away with it.
He got away with it.
I mean, the looting shouldn't end in this country.
I mean, again, not that I want to see the results of it.
None of us do.
But if you think logically about it, the bricks should just keep going through
the windows.
Really?
If you think about it, the amount of injustice that you just have to swallow
every day.
Well, all right.
I guess that guy hung himself in the jail with the cameras on.
And now all of the criminals, sex criminals, pedophiles, murderers potentially,
they all can just...
None of their lives will be affected at all by this.
It's just neat, tidy, guy killed himself, that's over.
There you go.
You know?
So the anger, the rage that builds in people, it's just fucking...
It's real.
You know?
It's real.
I threw a McGriddle at someone today.
I threw a McGriddle right in someone's face.
Because I want to be involved in a limited capacity.
So I took a McGriddle and I just slapped someone right across the face with a
McGriddle.
And I said, no justice, no peace.
And I walked out.
Okay?
Because I want to be involved.
I chucked a McGriddle.
Right at someone's grill.
Unapologetically.
Okay?
If I go to a 7-Eleven, I see those red box DVD things, I'm going to fuck one of
them up.
If they're still there.
I don't know if they are.
But if they are, I'm going to light that up.
Let's torch it.
Let's torch it.
Why the fuck not?
No justice, no peace.
I have the address of my parents.
If anyone wants to go over there, wake them up.
I'll be sharing that later on Twitter.
If they live in a wood house, it'll go up easy.
Teach them a lesson.
No justice, no peace.
I have the addresses of many people I feel have fucked me over in the business.
I should be bigger.
I have their addresses.
Maybe go to their community.
Stand outside their homes.
Wake them up.
Show them reality.
No justice, no peace.
These are just thoughts and ideas.
I'm an activist.
You understand?
So if you would go to my parents' house and burn it down, I'd be very grateful.
And I think we could move the country forward.
If you see my aunt Kathleen out, throw something at her.
No justice, no peace.
If you see her out on Facebook, grab her phone.
Take her phone.
These are just ideas.
These are just ideas because I'm an activist and I want to help.
I want to help.
Okay?
That's all.
I think we could join the two protest groups.
The people that want to open everything up and the people that want to burn
everything down.
I have a solution.
Let's open it up.
Let's eat.
And then let's burn it down.
That is a solution.
I can bring both sides of this country together.
Let's open it up.
Let's get a Tostado Nachos.
Let's get a three for all.
Let's get a Jack Daniels whiskey glazed chicken sandwich.
Let's get a brownie obsession.
And then when they say, here's the check, go, no, here's the check.
And burn it the fuck down.
But let's have a meal first.
Let's have a meal.
And then let's bring it.
Let's come together now.
Let's go in.
Let's sit down.
And then let's burn it down.
I have no problem.
But let's get in there and let's have a little, let's have a salad with some
breadsticks,
a little ranch dressing, and some bacon bits.
We deserve it.
We went through a quarantine.
Let's open these places up.
Let's force them to serve us.
And then let's torch them.
It's okay.
Smack the waitress with a fish sandwich.
Not a problem.
Just tell her what it is out there.
I'm an activist.
No justice, no peace.
Okay?
None of it's my fault.
But it's okay.
I'm part of the problem.
I'll be part of the solution.
Let's open up and let's burn down.
Minneapolis looking like a third world country, looking like a war zone.
It's bad out there.
Yes, a lot of these protesters are looney tunes.
A lot of these protesters are not what you would call upstanding members of
society.
Many of them, and if I sat down with them, we'd probably not agree on a lot of
things.
I get it.
They probably want to abolish private property, capitalism, the police.
No.
We're going to have to have a society.
I'm sorry.
We're going to have to have a society.
But in between total apathy and burning everything down, in the middle of that,
we can burn down the homes of my parents and show people that they have to be
accountable for the decisions that are made by their police and their district
attorney.
In between total apathy and total chaos, we can live in the middle by going and
looking at the list of names that I'm going to put on Twitter and waking them
up.
Guys, I want to talk to you about Anvil Rings.
You know me.
I know a lot about jewelry and jewels.
It's my business.
Anvil Rings makes awesome handmade jewelry in western Colorado, and it's not
going to break the bank.
They've been handcrafting rings for nearly 10 years and take great pride in the
quality of their work and their design.
They make rings from the following unique materials.
These are actually really cool.
Meteorite.
Meteorite.
Things that came from other places, right?
Other planets in the solar system.
Yeah.
Whiskey Barrel.
Well, that went from celestial to, you know.
That's very interest