Name: #203 - Long Island Strong | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-06-07T04:00:19.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#203 - Long Island Strong | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-07. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#203 - Long Island Strong | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-07. Transcript available.

#203 - Long Island Strong | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I am Tim Dillon. We are
back here in the studio.
Coming at you from Hollywood, California. I drove in today from an undisclosed
location, from a bunker where I will be returning to.
Until everything calms down.
When and if. I don't know that LA or New York City is going to be my home base
in six months or a year. I don't know. I don't know.
I might just go and find a place to go and put a microphone there. And that
might be the reality. I don't know what's going to happen.
Things will, I'm sure, return to some level of, you know, I mean, we got July 4th.
We got the Republican convention. We got a summer of rolling riots, probably.
Just a boiling hot summer of Sam that's on its way. You know?
So, yeah, I know that it's privileged that I don't want to be burned alive. I
get it. I know.
It's privileged I don't want to take a rubber bullet to the face. I don't want
to get maced.
You know? I get it.
I understand.
You know? I want to continue to draw breath.
I know that, to some of you, that's a wildly inappropriate position.
But that's where I'm at.
That's my political ideology.
I'd like to stay alive.
For a little while.
That's my stance on everything.
Well, what side are you coming down on?
Life.
Watch.
Watch the, we're going to play for you, Bill de Blasio getting introduced at,
like, a protest.
And this is the funniest thing ever.
And I love, like, politicians are trying to sing, like, you know, Obama sang.
And it was a powerful moment.
But, like, you know, remember he was in the church and he sang Amazing Grace.
But now, nobody, everything's past singing.
And de Blasio's wife, like, after he's just booed, de Blasio's wife gets up and
she starts to sing.
And it's great.
Listen to this.
Let us welcome, with respect, the mayor of New York City, Mayor Bill de Blasio.
And First Lady Chagrae McRae.
Again, again, again.
We say respect.
We say respect.
Say it with me, respect.
Respect.
Respect.
Respect.
No justice.
Power to the people.
Nothing.
Bombing.
Bombing.
She thought that was going to be a good opener.
Yeah.
She was like, power to the people.
She thought everybody, like, in unison was going to be like, power to the
people.
And everybody's like, we are sick of hearing you motherfuckers sing.
Sick of politicians getting out in front of us and singing.
Power to the people.
And you could tell, like, as soon as it didn't land, she was like, oh, boy.
It's the same thing a comic deals with.
When you go out on stage and you throw out something that you really think is
brilliant.
Like, you think something's really going to hit and then it doesn't.
And you're like, okay.
Okay.
I got to retool.
We got a real tough crowd out there.
Real tough crowd.
Bill de Blasio is a tremendously unpopular guy.
What's great now is that a lot of these politicians are hated by both the
extremes on the left and the right.
They're just hated by everybody, pretty much, you know?
Because if de Blasio doesn't abolish the police and replace them with social
workers, which is what people on Twitter want to do, he's a Nazi.
Right.
And on the other side, if de Blasio doesn't call in the National Guard and
shoot everybody in the face that has a Black Lives Matter shirt, he's a pussy
on the other side.
So you have two incredibly reasonable groups of people right now in the public
square.
People that think that all police should be replaced by social work.
And what is social work?
Let's be very honest about what social work is.
It is usually a white woman who shows up at your house and she sits down with
you for an hour and they talk about how fucked you are.
That's social work.
So they want police replaced by those people, okay?
Bunch of Karens out there with clipboards being like, oh my God, where did he
burn you with a cigarette?
It's not good.
You don't have to take that.
And on the other side, you have people that, you know, want the military to
come down the street with tanks and just start.
Yeah, I mean, you gotta, you gotta see what some of these people want, you know?
People on, on Facebook are just like, put these animals down!
You know, my aunt on Facebook is like, just put them down!
Her last post was a recipe for a cake that she liked, you know?
Fucking, you scroll down a little bit.
She's like, just put them down, God damn it!
So those are the two extremes you have now.
And in the middle is JPMorgan Chase.
Going, hey, you know, I had a great tweet people liked where it's like, this
will be a commercial where you will see a guy throw a brick and then it'll be
caught by somebody who works at JPMorgan.
And it'll go like this, it'll be like, you know, you'll see the brick fly and
the brick lands and then the person who catches it stacks it on top of more
bricks.
And then you see those bricks become a house and it goes, JPMorgan Chase wants
to build a better world starting with you.
Require about our loan programs now.
They're going to have the Black Lives Matter mortgage soon.
JPMorgan Chase.
Don't worry.
Citibank's going to have the BLM mortgage.
Low interest rate, interest only balloon, subprime mortgage.
They're going to try to sling to people in the inner cities.
They're going to call it the equality mortgage.
That's what they're going to do.
Come today and get your equality loan.
That's what corporate America is just trying to figure out.
How do we profit off things burning down?
There's something funny about that idea.
Because there's people right now in boardrooms going, how do we market broken
glass and tear gas?
How do we find the angle that makes people want to buy and consume?
What about this makes people want more of something?
How do we target the demo?
Okay, so the city's on fire and we're inching towards a civil war.
In that climate, how do we tell people now more than ever, it's important to
get a home equity line of credit?
Because we feel that to really fight equality, you should get a home equity
line of credit.
But, you know, that's their gig.
That's their job.
I get it.
You know, these are not, corporations don't have souls.
You know, they don't have a conscience.
There's no morality.
They're just trying to figure out how to make a buck.
And this is not an easy time to make a buck.
This ain't an easy time to hand out samples of Trader Joe's.
Have you tried the sun-dried tomato?
Have you?
Hi, how are you?
Are you coming from the demonstration?
Do you need water for your eyes?
Get them some water.
I think there's something wrong with you.
So where did the bullet hit you?
Have you tried the sun-dried tomato?
It's very similar to the traditional hummus.
I don't like sun-dried tomatoes because they're usually overpowering.
But this, it's just kissed by it.
It's kissed by the sun-dried tomato.
Try it.
Try it.
Put your mask on.
Try it.
Put your mask on.
Okay, you're a vector of disease as well.
As well as a hero.
As well as a freedom fighter.
You are a vector of disease.
Put the mask on.
How do you sell shit?
We got pandemics.
We got a civil war.
How do you just get out there and prospect right now?
Very tough.
Very tough to go out there and try to, you know,
try to get the people to see things your way.
But these corporations are trying.
God love them.
They're trying.
They gotta.
Right?
I mean, we gotta do business.
I know, you know, a lot of people don't want to hear that.
But we gotta eventually get back to business.
I'm starting to think the lockdown was a mistake.
Starting.
I'm starting to think the three months of telling people to not see any other
people
and to spend 23 hours a day online might have been an issue.
That might not have been the way to do it.
It was a social experiment.
It was a fun social experiment.
Because what it was is, I'm not minimizing the 50 years of racism, wealth
inequality, state-sponsored terrorism.
None of that is being minimized here.
But what was the cherry on top of that Sunday was telling people that they
couldn't earn money
and they had to lock themselves inside and not see or touch any other human
beings.
It was a real acceleration of a lot of the things that I had previously
mentioned in the sentence.
Which I'm not ignoring at all, by the way.
I don't think that, like, the lockdown was the reason for this.
But it certainly didn't affect people's psyche in a positive way.
Can we say that?
Can we agree to that?
That we didn't come out of this stronger than before?
You know?
Remember when the lockdown started, people were like, we're going to come out
of it stronger.
We're going to come out of it.
And then just the sound of explosions and gunshots.
You know?
How does that work out for anybody?
Did we come out of it stronger?
I don't think so.
Does it seem like we came out of it stronger?
And it is hypocritical.
It is hypocritical to tell a bunch of people that came out to protest the fact
that they had lost their health insurance and their jobs.
It is hypocritical to say, you're killing people.
You're killing old people and immunocompromised people.
And then to just completely green light mass demonstrations in a pandemic that
supposedly is just killing people and overwhelming health care systems.
It is hypocritical to call one group of people terrorists and just give the
green light to the other group of people.
And all of the celebrities and the people that live in, you know, very wealthy
gated enclaves behind gates and they live in mansions are all like, yeah, fuck
the lockdown.
And then they turn around and they're like, you get out there and you fucking
march.
You march.
And it's like, wait a minute.
People's heads start spinning.
You know, doesn't mean that protests aren't valid or that the cops aren't out
of fucking control, but it means that like, you know, there's got to be some
logical consistency where you go, wait a minute.
What happened to coronavirus?
Well, they just, coronavirus came back, by the way.
George Floyd died of coronavirus.
That's what they're saying.
They're saying he had coronavirus.
They're saying George Floyd had COVID-19, which I predicted on the show.
Of course, of course, they're, yes.
And they want to just go through a few other things.
The Twin Towers fell from coronavirus.
The mortgage crisis in 08, the financial crisis was due largely to a wet market
in Wuhan, China.
Most of the people that had been shot in the last year by police, unarmed black
people, all had COVID-19 in their system.
In fact, many of the Epstein victims that nobody has found, we've done a
private examination on many of them.
Many of them died from COVID-19.
Don't worry about it.
Not, you know, God, this COVID-19 is powerful.
It's just killing everybody.
Everything the government doesn't want to admit to coronavirus.
Corona.
I bet Epstein had COVID-19.
Can we get an autopsy of Epstein?
I guarantee you he did not die from asphyxiation.
I am almost positive he died from coronavirus.
Can we find that out, please?
I guarantee it.
How sad.
I bet Michael Hastings died of coronavirus, and that's why he couldn't control
his car when it, you know, went into that tree in the middle of Hollywood.
I bet it was COVID-19.
It's all COVID-19.
It's all coronavirus, baby.
All coronavirus.
It's like 10-10 wins, all news, all the time.
You know, the United States government, all COVID-19, all the time.
And it's like, do you think it might have had to do with the police, the boot
on the guy's neck?
For what?
Cashing a fake check?
He was, he was, I mean, they should barely respond to cashing a fake check.
Who cares?
Start responding to violent crime.
If you're not going to prosecute white-collar crime when it's done by these
fucks on Wall Street, let fucking a few people have a little fun in Minnesota.
Cash a fake check.
You know?
Who gives a fuck?
The guy's trying to cash a fake $20 check, if that's even the truth.
And they're treating him like he's Osama bin Laden.
And they're sending in a fucking crack team of people to subdue the guy.
And it says, yeah, it says here.
So now we got these four officers.
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