Name: #206 - Turn Yourselves In | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-06-28T04:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#206 - Turn Yourselves In | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-28. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#206 - Turn Yourselves In | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-06-28. Transcript available.

#206 - Turn Yourselves In | The Tim Dillon Show

Welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, everybody. It is Tim Dillon. I want to start
off on a serious note.
I want to address something that a lot of people are talking about, and it is
about race, and it is about changing our society,
and it's about holding people accountable. And that's something that I've
become more open to in the past week,
holding people accountable. I've been really excited, and I think that is the
right word,
by the amount of people who are outing themselves as problematic. And I've been
excited by it
because I think that's the first step to really healing and creating an
equitable society.
The first step is for people to come out. Jenny Slate, comedian, writer, the
show Big Mouth.
Jenny Slate is a white woman, and she played the role of a character named Missy
on Big Mouth,
an animated show on Netflix. And Missy was a mixed-race character who had a
Jewish white mother,
like Slate, and a black father. I mean, clearly we're looking at Missy here.
Missy is clearly black,
even though she's mixed-race, but, you know.
Jenny Slate has recused herself from the show, and she's leaving because she
said
black characters should be played by black people.
I don't think that's enough, okay?
She's contributed to the erasure of black people, and she's said that. She said
she erased a black person.
I don't even know what that is. I don't know what futuristic weapon, what ray
gun she used to erase a black person.
But I don't think it's enough to just say sorry and go back to your mansion. No,
thank you, ma'am.
Jenny Slate has to go to jail.
She has to be brought up on charges, and she has to go to jail for no less than
10 years.
For what she did.
This is not a fucking joke. Stop laughing, you white pig.
She needs to hear every night.
She needs to hear the bars clink.
She needs to lose her freedom. What has she done with her freedom?
She's used it to erase black people by voicing the character, a mixed-race
character, on Big Mouth on Netflix.
No thank you. And cancel Big Mouth while we're at it.
Sorry, Nick Kroll.
Cancel Big Mouth.
You're going to have to get a job with your family.
Doing security-related matters.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to be this way.
But I am.
I don't want to be this way, but I am.
Jenny said, I've come to the decision today that I can no longer play the
character of Missy
on the animated TV show Big Mouth.
At the start of the show, I reasoned with myself that it was permissible to
play Missy
because her mom is Jewish and white, as am I.
But Missy is also black, and black characters on an animated show
should be played by black people.
I acknowledge how my original reasoning was flawed.
That it existed as an example of white privilege
and an unjust allowance is made
within a system of societal white supremacy.
And that me playing Missy was engaging in an act of erasure of black people.
Put her in jail!
Now!
Put her in jail!
Put her in jail!
Why is she not in jail?
Why are the producers of this show not behind bars?
Goddamn them!
Goddamn her!
Goddamn!
I am only laughing now because I'm so angry that when I laugh, I get angry and
I laugh.
But Goddamn them!
Black lives matter!
Do you understand that?
They matter on a Netflix cartoon!
Put her in jail that Nick Kroll's parents built!
Not even the, not even a, not even a, I mean an underground prison!
What do we not know what they do?
Use Google, dummies!
I get it!
She's gotta go to jail!
A secret underground facility where she can be re-educated!
Not my fault!
I want to hold people accountable.
They're being held accountable this week.
That's it.
No more games this week.
Tim is here to hold everyone accountable.
Will I apologize for the bit I did with Nick Mullen where we said that Orthodox
Jews were wearing diapers to, to, uh, landlord tenant court because they were
pretending to be insane so they could continue to rip off their minority
tenants?
I will not apologize for that.
That I will not do because I did not erase a black person in that.
If anything, I called attention to inequality with that.
You see the difference?
I've had enough.
For too long, I've sat on the sidelines while cartoonists have destroyed the
fabric of American society.
We cannot tolerate this anymore.
Most importantly, though, Jenny says, to anyone that I've hurt, I am so very
sorry.
Oh, I bet that feels good.
I am so very sorry.
How many people have killed themselves because of this?
How many lives have ended because of your show?
I bet it's unquantifiable.
How many people killed themselves?
Put a gun in their mouth?
Jumped off a building?
Cut their own throat?
Maybe their wrist?
OD'd on pills?
Took a hairdryer and electrocuted themselves in the tub?
Asphyxiated themselves?
Hung themselves?
I bet all of these black people that are dying tragically with nooses,
they are hanging themselves because they found out that Missy was voiced by
Jenny Slate.
That is a hypothesis I have.
It is not proven it is a hypothesis, but I think it's pretty damn good.
So I'm asking Miss Slate and the producers of Big Mouth to turn themselves in
to the military.
Not even the LAPD.
Not even the LAPD.
Those corrupt bastards.
No, the military to have a tribunal.
And we need a military tribunal in this case.
And they will be tried by a jury of people that are selected, the people that
have been affected.
The people that have been affected.
Failed comedians will judge her.
Comedians that don't make any money will judge Miss Slate.
People that have podcasts that have 45 reviews on Apple will stand the judgment
of Miss Slate, Mr. Kroll, and the entire show.
They will judge you, and I hope, explain it to them.
Explain it to the people that couldn't even get a fucking free drink for their
horrible comedy and have wasted their entire lives.
Those are the people you have to convince.
And the death penalty is not off the table.
I'm not saying it's going to be, it is a tool and it should be available to the
prosecution.
That's what I'm saying here.
I'm done letting people off.
This, by the way, what I'm doing here is what everyone's going to have to do.
This is the new strategy with woke people is to go more woke than they are.
This is the new strategy.
Like when they say we should take down that monument, you go, we should nuke an
American city.
That's what you say.
If someone says now, I want to get rid of this monument, go, let's nuke D.C.
Let's nuke Washington.
You got to, you, because you got to, they got to look at you like, huh?
Like it's, it's got to be so bad now.
Like when they, when she steps down a big mouth, I go, we shouldn't have a big
mouth.
It's got to go.
It's tainted.
It's over.
It's over.
That's what you're going to have to do.
You're just going to have to, when somebody says to you, when somebody starts a
conversation and goes, listen, why not get rid of all these monuments?
Go, I, I will do you one better.
I will do you one better.
Why not get rid of them all at once?
Let's nuke Washington, D.C.
Let's get a suitcase nuclear weapon and, and, and, and nuke Washington, D.C.
And if they, if they're shocked by that, or they argue against that, you just
look at them and go, what?
Oh, so you're going to, you're going to take the monuments that are offensive
and leave the White House and Congress and the Washington Monument and what?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
We are going to nuke the Capitol.
That is the woke position.
And when things get, and then, and when things get better, when the radiation
is gone in a few months or years, I don't know, then we will go and build an
equitable society.
But we're not, we're not going to do these surgical strikes.
We're not going to do these surgical strikes.
We're going in with a suitcase nuke.
We're going in with a suitcase nuke and Jenny Slate will be publicly executed
for what she has done to the black community.
Yes or yes.
Yes or yes.
Don't get that, as the great Daryl Davis, drunk real estate motivational
speaker in Long Island would say, yes or yes.
Don't give them, don't give them the chance to say no.
Should these people go to jail for their old tweets?
Yes or yes.
Yes, they should.
I don't even know who these people are, but they're trillionaires.
Shane Dawson, Jeffree Star, they've got, they own literal planets.
They own literal planets.
Jeffree Star owns Saturn.
And you're trying to cancel him.
He owns the planet Saturn, which they, I don't know what they're doing.
They're painting it with face paint.
You've made an entire industry of people that only talk about makeup.
What the fuck?
People in makeup used to not have public personas because they didn't need it.
Who was the chick from Maybelline?
Nobody knew who she was.
Rita Revlon, whoever the fuck these, nobody cared.
People knew Coco Chanel was.
That was it.
But like, it's cosmetics.
What is so important about makeup?
Can someone illuminate this sick trend for me, please?
Can someone help me understand why people painting their face like Harlequin
clowns in their, in their room that is only lit by the blue light of their
computer?
Can someone explain to me how this makes $8 trillion a week?
They have more money, they have more money, these people, and you're, you can't
cancel them.
They own the earth.
They own the earth on which you live.
Your Twitter doesn't matter.
I think Shane Dawson's a race.
He owns the earth.
I don't know how it happened.
I don't know how it happened that the only thing that's profitable in this
country anymore is makeup.
That's the only industry we've got left is people putting lipstick on.
I, I miss that.
Somehow that trend missed me.
But apparently one of them, the, the, the Jeffree Star, the one that looks like,
I mean, let's be very honest.
If you'd bumped into Jeffree Star in real life, you would go, what?
I mean, your first thought wouldn't be, this is a beauty consultant.
Let's be very honest about it.
And there's no shade to him or whatever.
I don't even know anymore.
They're rich.
They don't matter.
You don't get a gender when you're a trillionaire.
You don't get a gender anymore.
You're a planet.
But if I bumped into Jeffree Star, it would be like interesting that they made
their money with cosmetics and no shade to them.
Good for him.
Whatever.
Good, good.
God love you.
I'm just confused.
As always, I, I exist in a permanent state of confusion on this program.
I don't understand.
I look at people out.
They all look like shit.
No one's even wearing the makeup.
So I guess people just wearing it in their fucking hovels they live in.
Are they eating the makeup?
Is it edible?
No one has food.
Nobody has any money or food.
How are they slinging $100 makeup kits?
Who's buying this?
Fat women in the rust belts are sitting there putting men, women, whoever.
Who's doing this?
I thought everybody's money went to opioids.
How do they have the money to go into makeup now?
But you can't cancel them.
They own you.
Stop trying to cancel.
I don't know why they're even canceling them.
Shane Dawson did blackface.
And one of the photos, he looks like Oprah.
It's weird.
He's a chubby gentleman and he did blackface.
That's why I don't do blackface.
I don't need people calling me precious.
Hashtag precious.
Once people have a certain amount of money, it's like, what are you canceling?
Doesn't matter.
But they will have to pay, too.
They will have to also go into the military tribunal, which they will own.
They will buy their way out.
But they must, they must, I think Jeffrey Starr called someone fat once.
He must, he must atone.
He must atone for that.
He must atone for calling someone fat.
It is not right.
Not right.
He must be brought up on charges for that.
And Shane Dawson did blackface.
You know what's funny about the blackface?
I wonder when blackface was acceptable.
Because I like, I got into comedy in late 2010, early 2011.
And I would like never do blackface.
Like, I'm wondering when that, when people thought that was okay.
Like, did no one think this is maybe not a good idea?
I understand, like, in 