Name: #210 - I Am The Most Successful Podcaster In Los Angeles | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-07-26T04:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#210 - I Am The Most Successful Podcaster In Los Angeles | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-26. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#210 - I Am The Most Successful Podcaster In Los Angeles | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-07-26. Transcript available.

#210 - I Am The Most Successful Podcaster In Los Angeles | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show here, live from a stunning
estate out here in the desert.
This is a temporary setup for the show for the moment.
We are looking at studio spaces right now.
Haven't made any commitment to anything yet.
Obviously, we are, like many of you, quite uncertain about what's going to be
open, what's going to be usable.
State of California, considering another shutdown, you're going to get a video
podcast from somewhere.
And you're going to like it because it's free.
That's what's going to happen.
It's not on fucking Zoom like everybody else is doing.
I don't have an uninteresting guest coming on over Zoom, okay, to tell you
about what it's like in the hell they find themselves in.
It's a pretty good deal for nothing.
You don't spend a dollar.
I'm excluding, of course, the Patreon members who support the show.
And don't get video because Patreon is audio.
Audio only because it is a throwback to the 90s golden era of talk radio, where
you didn't need to look at somebody.
You were driving on the Cross Island Parkway and you were just waiting to get
home and choke your wife out.
And so you listen to Bob Grant and Rush Limbaugh, or if you were late night,
you might listen to Art Bell.
People talk about aliens, which we'll talk about later.
But I grew up on those shows.
I grew up on right-wing reactionary talk radio.
It was a beautiful, great thing for this country.
And morning shows, comedy, comedic morning shows.
But Bob Grant was the best.
Whether you liked his politics or not, he would always tell people that would
call into his show, he'd go,
you're a fake, phony fraud.
Get off my phone.
And he'd hang up and they'd call back every week.
It was fun.
So that's why you don't need the video on Patreon.
It's an homage to a better time.
Where you didn't have to see everything visually.
Joe Rogan announced that he's moving to Texas.
And I want to get this, I want to get this out because I think there's a lot of
people that don't know the full story.
Joe wants to go there for a little more freedom, he said.
And because LA, you know, you have the homelessness and the traffic.
Here's the actual reality.
I moved to LA about a year ago and I immediately started making more money than
Joe as a podcaster.
I'm doing better than him.
Our YouTube views are higher than his.
My subscribers are more than his.
My ad deals are more than his.
In the beginning, that was okay.
But it became awkward for us, for our friendship.
It was weird to see him at the comedy store because I was making more money as
a podcaster.
I was a bigger podcaster in a year of being in Los Angeles.
Our podcasts regularly get 30 to 50 million views per podcast.
And he gets, I believe, maybe 2 million or 5 million or something.
It's pathetic.
So, he's now running to Texas.
He's running away from me because I've taken over Los Angeles and I am the
biggest podcaster in the world.
And I, you know, for him to go out and pretend that this is about traffic is a
little absurd.
I came, I saw, I conquered, and he is choosing to run away.
That's the reality.
He doesn't have any money.
He asked me to borrow $300 last week and I said no.
That's it.
I will not enable people and their poor decisions.
This Spotify deal is not real.
Spotify does not exist.
I have Googled Spotify.
I don't know what it is.
I don't think, by the way, neither does Spotify.
If they exist, they don't know what it is.
I don't know what it is.
I don't know what this last podcast on the left is.
They got some, I don't know what these things are.
I'm pretty sure they're inventions.
I don't fall for it.
Okay?
So when I come to LA and I take it over, just admit that you got beat.
Don't start talking about homeless people in traffic.
Okay?
I'm number one now.
Number one, you hear that?
Hashtag only comedy store regular or not in jail.
It's a joke.
Relax.
I never knew what I, I never thought I'd know what it felt like to own a city.
Now I do.
Out.
I'll be deciding who stays and who goes.
Boy, this thing.
We, we made a couple of videos for TBS today that, I mean, we don't really
respect the tournament
of laugh show.
But, I mean, the, the level of just complete indifference to the, to the videos
even making
the least bit of sense.
I mean, they don't make any sense.
And we've delivered them to TBS with pretty much a 24-hour turnaround time
where they have
to edit these videos into some coherent narrative.
These sketches don't make any sense at all.
We're going to play them next week.
As soon as we get the go-ahead to play these full sketches for you, I really
want to tell
you what we've done.
Because we have done something.
I mean, we should be blacklisted from the business like Harvey Weinstein for
the level of a sketch
we delivered to TBS for their, uh, show Tournament of Laughs, of course, where
comedians, I don't
know how many they started with, but we're the, we're in the, we're in the, are
we in the, can
we say what we're in now?
I think so.
We're in the final round.
We're in the final round.
We're in the final round.
We've already won LA.
Now we're going to try to win Tournament of Laughs.
But the sketches that we've submitted, they're funny because they make
absolutely no sense.
Um, and, and I cannot wait to show you the raw footage that we sent to TBS.
I'm very curious as to what they will do with it.
I mean, in one of the sketches, I'm in a colorful shirt, I'm wearing a wig, I'm
standing in the
shower and I'm just, I say, I'm Anthony Fauci's son.
And I just start yelling, forget about it.
Hey, coronavirus, forget about it.
And that's the entire sketch.
That's it.
Okay.
In the shower, Fauci's son is, I'm getting rained on.
I mean, the shower's making me wet and I'm going, hey, forget about it.
Coronavirus, forget about it.
We sent that to TBS today.
They didn't understand what it was.
I mean, but they kind of have to put it on television, which is what makes us
laugh.
Television is now a practical joke.
We wanted to get on television at one point.
Now we run from it like a, like a coughing fucking Corona patient.
I'm telling you, television has now become, you know, my aunt had a great quote
about Tournament
of Laughs.
She goes, your video doesn't seem as funny because it's on that show.
And then she goes, I watched it on social media and it's great.
But on that show, it doesn't seem as funny.
And that's the problem with television right now.
Too many cooks in the goddamn kitchen.
But we gave those cooks this week a bowl of shit.
And they're going to have to make a pie with that.
Good luck.
Forget about it.
When I tell you that that's the whole sketch, it's three minutes.
When I tell you, I splash around in a bathtub going, forget about it.
Anthony Fauci, Daddy Fauci.
I mean, they should just, they should not air it and fire me.
They should fire us.
They should email us and go, you're fired?
We know what you're doing, you disrespectful piece of shit.
What, you think you don't need us because you got 100,000 views on a podcast?
You fat pig.
Go into new media, you fucking loser.
You pirate ship steering scum.
Go steer your pirate ship and go live in a car.
That's what they should do.
But instead, they're going to put it on television.
They're going to put it on television.
And Joe Rogan can watch it in Texas from his trailer park.
Because we've won.
Spotify, Google the Spotify, it doesn't exist.
Are they nuts, these people?
They don't stop lying.
They make up 100 million, 300 million.
It's all fake.
It's not real.
If Spotify was real, they would have bought my show.
Congrats to Nicholas Sandman.
The Covington Catholic student who settled a lawsuit today with the Washington
Post.
I believe it was a $250 million lawsuit.
I don't know what.
Does that mean he gets to 50?
What does it mean, Benjamin?
Break it down, Ben Avery, legal scholar.
What does it mean?
So, they did settle, but they haven't disclosed the terms of the deal.
We don't know the terms of the deal.
But it's good money, is it not?
It must be.
Is it big money?
It's probably really big.
I bet it's big money for Nicholas Sandman, Covington Catholic High School, teen
of the heart.
This is when the Native American, if you don't remember this, folks, remember
you were somewhere when the world was a world.
You were in your office, you were maybe eating a cold caprese sandwich.
This is where you were.
I know where you were.
You were eating a cold caprese sandwich, which has the tomato.
The tomato had a little bit of the white in the middle because it was winter,
and you don't love that, but it's the way it is because you just grabbed this
from the deli in the building.
You know, the fucking food place in the building.
You're eating a caprese sandwich, you're dunking it.
It's got a light smear of pesto, but you needed more, so you're dunking it in
the balsamic vinegar, and you're eating it, and you're really like, God, this
isn't good.
It's just not good, it tastes like refrigerator, and you're eating it, and then
you looked online, and you saw this story about a group of red hat, MAGA hat
wearing kids from Covington Catholic, a school in Kentucky, that went to the
March for Life in D.C., and surrounded a Native American man and beat him to
death.
Because that's what I thought happened when I first saw how angry everybody was.
I said, they surrounded this Native American man who was, like, trying to sing
peaceful songs, and the Native American man was like, peace to all the people
in the world.
I don't know why he's British, but the accents never come out the way they
should, but it's good because it's a white accent, and you can't get angry at
that.
So this is Nathan Phillips with his drum and his British accent, and he goes,
and he walks up to the kids, and he goes, I'm a British Indian, and I love you.
And then the kids beat the shit out of him, stomp on his head, piss in his
mouth, fuck him, not because they're gay, it's a showing of power.
Fuck him, smirk him in his face, bloody him up real good, take a shit on him,
and then, I don't know, and then, like, light his corpse on fire and all light
fucking joints.
And then smoked him and go, hey, fuck you, I'm white, what are you going to do?
And they all had shirts that said, like, you know, fuck you, you know, my land
is my land, shirts.
And my land is my land, shirts.
They sang, my country, tis of thee, while they stomped him out.
Sweet land of liver, of thee, of thee, land that my father's, and they were
just stomping him out.
This is what we believed happened.
It's what we thought happened.
Apparently, we were lied to.
Again, that is not what happened.
This guy was standing there, a bunch of black Israelites, who I like, and they
are fans of the program.
Shout out to the black Israelites.
Yes, they are anti-gay and anti-Jew, but they're not anti-Tim.
Because I used to do tours in Harlem, and I would see the black Israelites, and
I would stop my tour bus and make the people listen to the black Israelites
scream about white people being genocidal monsters.
I thought it was a nice break between the Apollo Theater and then Fifth Avenue
and the Apple Store.
I thought it was a nice break.
We're going to stop here and listen to these three gentlemen dressed like Ninja
Turtles.
They dress like Splinter.
And so they were yelling at the Covington kids.
They were like, what are you faggot, white faggot?
What are you all doing, sucking each other's dicks?
I bet it was good.
I bet it was good roasting.
Good roasting.
Of course, liberals are like, you know, no, they weren't saying that.
What?
So they were roasting the Covington kids, and then Nathan Phillips came in with
his, like, you know, the thing they have.
What's the thing they have with the drum?
And they go like this, and it hits both sides of the drum.
But do you know what I'm saying?
I know what you're talking about.
It's a really, you know, fun.
And he comes up, and he's like, you know, he's doing his thing.
And he's like, I am a Native American.
What is coming out 