Name: #211 - Snubbed | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-08-02T04:00:02.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#211 - Snubbed | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-02. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#211 - Snubbed | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-02. Transcript available.

#211 - Snubbed | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show, and thank you for joining
us here on the broadcast.
First things first, we have a little housekeeping, a matter of great import.
Earlier today, I was contacted by members of Dan Soder's Super PAC,
and they wanted to purchase an ad on this program to basically get my fans
and the fans of this program to vote for Ari Shafir as the president of Legion
of Skanks.
And I thought about it, and I was considering doing it.
But after some real soul-searching about what is best, not only for Legion of
Skanks,
but what is best for the country, I have decided, along with the Bryant family,
to endorse Luis J. Gomez for president of Legion of Skanks.
Go to skankthevote.com at Gmail and register before August 7th to cast a vote
for Luis Gomez.
Again, this is from Tim Dillon and the Bryant family.
That is their Super PAC who paid for this ad.
So, thank you so much.
Now we will start the program.
Also, we will have a hotline number later for you if you have been sexually
assaulted at the Ellen DeGeneres program,
which everyone that has ever worked there has apparently been goosed in the
dressing room at the Ellen DeGeneres program.
What is going on at Ellen, she's out there dancing, and in the back, it's a
free-for-all, apparently.
It's the Marquis de Sade is running around the dressing room at Ellen,
terrifying the employees.
I thought she was just a bitch.
That's what I thought.
I know people that know her, but apparently it's not that.
There's sexual deviants running around.
And they're making people feel uncomfortable.
They're sick.
Get up how many people have been sexually assaulted at Ellen.
I won't stand for it.
I won't stand for this anymore.
Do I like the show more now?
That's the question.
Do I like it more now that I know that Ellen DeGeneres has been running a rape
room
in the back of her fan-positive show?
I mean, more trouble at the Ellen DeGeneres show.
Former employees make sexual misconduct allegation.
Dozens, dozens of former Ellen DeGeneres show employees
accuse multiple executive producers of sexual misconduct, harassment, and
assault.
Wow.
DeGeneres apologized as an ongoing internal investigation
into toxic workplace allegations revealed
deficiencies related to the show's day-to-day management.
Nearly a dozen former employees accuse head writer and executive producer
Kevin Lehman of sexual misconduct, including groping,
making sexually explicit comments,
and behaving inappropriately at a company party.
Well, it's a party.
While Lehman said he denied any kind of sexual impropriety.
Multiple former employees accused executive producer Ed Glavin
of being handsy with women
and leading the team by creating a culture of fear and intimidation,
though Glavin did not comment.
Thirty-six former employees
independently corroborated incidents of sexual misconduct.
Thirty-six employees at Ellen,
the friendly show where the woman dances.
In China, they don't even call it,
they call it Dancing Lady in China.
So, thirty-six former employees at Dancing Lady
have been sexually assaulted.
And I'm not trying to make light of that,
although it is my job to,
and also I am.
But the point is,
I'm not making light of the sexual assault.
I'm making light of the fact that while it's going on,
Ellen is bringing out sloths to make Kristen Bell giggle.
You expect that type of stuff at certain environments.
Fox News,
I don't even think there were 36 people at Fox News.
And Roger Ailes was just running around grabbing blondes
and throwing them out of windows.
For months.
That guy ran that place with an iron fist.
I mean,
Bill O'Reilly was just taking women's head
and holding them in fish tanks.
And you still didn't get to 36 women.
Bill O'Reilly paid like $38 million to somebody.
God only knows what that guy did.
What did you do to someone to pay him $38 million?
Kill them?
I mean,
that's the type of settlement you get when you murder somebody.
And still,
I don't believe,
and I could be wrong,
but I don't believe they had 36.
I mean,
it's wild.
And you know,
they complained to Ellen about it.
They were like,
you know,
Kevin got a little handsy,
or Ed got a little handsy with me.
And you know,
she just looked at them with that stone face,
because she's in the CIA.
And she's an asset.
Who is the,
Jorge Campos?
Jorge Ramos?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Jorge Campos.
I do this all the time.
Jorge Ramos,
a guy at Univision.
Campos,
the only guy to meet Stephen Paddock,
goes and is interviewed on Ellen.
It's a little weird.
Couple that,
when she's sitting next to George W. Bush,
and they're yucking it up,
yucking it up about all their fun days at Abu Ghraib.
And she's,
you know,
there's all kinds of emails that came out where,
you know,
Hillary Clinton's on the show promoting,
you know,
whatever war that she wants to have on a Wednesday afternoon.
And Ellen goes,
come on in.
I'll work you in between the dance and the Kristen Bell sloth.
And you can tell us why we got to bomb Syria Hill.
Come on in,
come on down.
And in the back,
we're going to have women running for their lives.
That's why Hillary looks so comfortable on the show,
because behind the scenes,
you could hear the screams of women being muffled.
Help!
That's why you got to dance,
and they turn the music up,
so you don't hear,
help!
That's the official sign,
official sign of the Ellen DeGeneres show.
Help!
You know,
Ellen looked at them with that stone cold wolf-like face she has.
And she was like,
fucking dance.
And the girls were like,
what?
And Ellen goes,
dance.
And they had to go.
It was,
Ellen was a trailblazer.
She came out on her ABC sitcom,
which also sucked,
but she came out,
and that was good.
I applaud that.
And then she joined the CIA.
That I don't love.
And then she did a show
where she danced,
engaged in inane,
meaningless,
horseshit conversation,
and behind the scenes,
people were being chased around with hammers.
So it's been,
she's gone quite full circle.
She did suffer a lot of discrimination
when she came out of the closet,
and apparently that sat with her,
and she said,
what if we just,
you know,
we just set up a daytime talk show,
and in the background,
we'll have Abu Ghraib.
It's a regular Abu Ghraib
in the Ellen DeGeneres dressing room.
You got dogs,
people naked,
stacked together.
Get up Abu Ghraib photos right now.
This is what's going on at Ellen.
This is what's going on
in the back of Ellen.
Abu Ghraib torture.
Hit image.
Okay.
Bring that up.
This is,
these are the segment producers at Ellen.
If you're a segment producer at Ellen,
this is how it works out for you.
And then your parents call you,
and they're real proud of your big LA job.
And you go,
yeah, mom.
There they are.
Go back.
Go get the guy with the,
they're electrocuting the guy.
Look at this.
Yeah,
this,
by the way.
Yeah.
That's the,
an intern at Ellen
that came in late.
That's an intern at Ellen
that was,
got stuck in traffic
on a 405.
And you know,
Ellen walks by that
and says nothing.
She walks by it
and says nothing
because she's got to go
sit in a chair
and do a jig
with Dick Cheney.
Henry Kissinger's coming on.
They're going to do the Charleston.
What's going on over there?
I want answers.
God darn it.
She's never had me on.
What a fun interview.
Let's practice
the interview.
You be Ellen.
We come out.
We dance.
We sit right down.
Okay.
Hey,
thanks for doing the show.
Hey,
how are you?
There's like three people
being raped in the back.
You know about that?
No,
I have no idea.
Oof.
All right.
Anyway,
so I have a podcast
called The Tim Dillon Show.
So I want to get into this too.
I want to get into this
because this is a show
with a lot of serious matters
and I don't want to kid around anymore.
You can get this off.
By the way,
can you imagine?
By the way,
hey,
QAnon,
where were you?
Did you care?
Did anyone care about this?
Did anyone care about this
when we brutally tortured people?
Many of them were innocent.
Did that bother anyone?
By the way,
that's not a conspiracy theory.
That's the United States government,
by the way.
That's the United States government
designed by,
top down,
by Cheney,
Rumsfeld,
the whole crew
in league with psychologists
Mitchell and Jessen.
We took people,
many of them off,
we grabbed them off a battlefield.
Maybe they were terrorists.
Maybe they weren't.
Maybe they were confused kids.
And then we sent them to Blackside,
shipped them all over the world
and tortured them.
So,
again,
that's not Chrissy Teigen doing that.
That's your government.
Okay?
I want to talk about
the TBS Tournament of Laughs
because we are no longer on the show
and we were robbed
and I love Jim Norton
and I respect him
and I hope he wins.
He's going up against
Piff the Magic Dragon.
What an honor.
And here's the reality.
We got to the final four
and we were let go.
It hurts me.
What's your dream out there?
Do you have one?
Because my dream
was to win
the Tournament of Laughs
on TBS.
When I got into comedy,
when I first started doing it
in a coffee house,
there was also a tattoo parlor
in Long Island, New York.
Okay?
Where people would go in
with like tattoos
of fucking
some ex-girlfriend
and they had to get them
made into something patriotic.
You know?
Can you,
her name's Carrie.
Can you cover that up
and put Blue Lives Matter?
Please?
And I started there
and when I started there,
I dreamed that one day
there'd be a pandemic.
I prayed.
I said,
hopefully a decade in a comedy,
right as I'm starting
to sell tickets,
there'll be a pandemic.
It'll shut down
the whole operation.
None of us
will be able to leave our homes.
We'll only be able
to upgrade lo-fi sketches
and we'll have to come
and not just to enjoy them,
to compete with each other.
That's what matters.
Comics competing
with each other
during a pandemic.
Not to raise money
for anything,
just to do it.
So I dreamed of this
and it was my life's work.
I fought and I worked
and I said to myself,
if we do the right things
and if China leaks
a bioweapon
that the U.S. and China
probably invented together,
the only time they're gonna,
how great is it gonna be
when we find out
the only time
that we ever got along
with China
is when we created coronavirus?
Because that book's
coming out in five years.
Coronavirus was created
at like some like
U.S. joint China thing.
I guarantee you
we're involved
with China
and there's definitely
a photo
of fucking us
and China
eating ramen
with a bat
and we said,
look at this motherfucker,
we're just having fun.
It was some like
weird convention
for fucking,
you know,
bio-research
DARPA fucks
and they created
and cooked up this thing.
I guarantee it.
It's coming out
in a few years,
that book by the way.
And I said,
I said,
hopefully that happens
because I want to be
in a position
where I can compete
tournament of laughs.
So we made it
to the finals.
We didn't think
we were gonna make it there.
The competition
was fierce.
I mean fierce.
These other comics
were,
you know,
on drugs,
in homeless shelters,
uploading videos
on their iPhones.
We didn't think
we could beat them.
How could we know
that we were going
to be able
to beat them,
you know?
I don't know.
We went up
and got Fortune Feimster
once.
I don't know
what happened.
I don't know
what her video was.
She was stuck
in a revolving door.
I don't know.
It's not my fault.
It's not my problem.
I respect her.
The point is this.
We won.
We persevered.
Okay?
And then we got
to the finals
to do battle
with Norton
and whatever
piff the magic dragon is.
And he's one
America's Got Talent
or something.
I don't know.
Good for him.
I should dress up
like a magic dragon.
Now,
you know what I was
thinking, by the way,
the other day?
You know how David Dobrik
goes around
and gives people
and the FaZe Clan
and FaZe Rug,
whoever these people are,
FaZe COVID,
whoever they are,
they give people
the Lamborghinis.
I said to myself,
what if I went around
and instead of giving people
a Lamborghini,
I give them like
a stern talking to.
Like instead of,
when somebody's working
at Starbucks,
instead of