Name: #214 - Meatball's Mayhem | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-08-23T04:00:09.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#214 - Meatball's Mayhem | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-23. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#214 - Meatball's Mayhem | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-08-23. Transcript available.

#214 - Meatball's Mayhem | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here in Long Island.
Governor Meatball has attacked.
It was a sneak attack.
It wasn't completely unexpected.
I did see the potential for this.
I didn't vocalize it because I didn't want to manifest it.
I don't know who, the Department of Health,
the Governor Cuomo or somebody in the Governor's office
shut down Governor's Comedy Club,
which was doing outside, socially distanced, safe shows
in a tent, in a parking lot, outside.
And it had been open for a while.
And many people had performed there.
And there were no problems.
And nobody had been tested positive for COVID-19.
But, yours truly criticized the Governor of the State of New York
on the biggest podcast in the world.
And then a few days later,
a few hours before I was supposed to perform in the tent,
the shows were canceled and Governors got shut down.
Now, I am not alleging that there is a connection,
but I cannot say there isn't a connection.
Do you see what I'm saying?
I don't know.
I don't know.
I believe we're now in a war.
I'm in a war with this crime family.
Can we be honest?
They're a crime family.
Mario Cuomo, the grandfather, was the governor.
Now, this guy's the governor.
His brother's on CNN.
They're a crime family that chose to run the state of New York
instead of a trucking company.
That's who they are.
And I don't care that Chris Fredo Cuomo Corleone's wife
is a member of the Southampton Bathing Corp.
You can't wash the garlic out of your dress.
We smell you from a million miles away.
You can walk on the beach with wasps wearing white linen,
but you smell like a three-day-old sausage-and-pepper hero
under the seat of a fucking...
I know you try to wash that off,
but it seeps out of your pores.
And I did.
You know, she's a member of the very elite
Southampton Bathing Corp.
One of the oldest and most prestigious beach clubs in the world.
Which means nothing to me.
So I walked right, you know, out, out.
They, you know, they have obviously a building and a pool
and an inside that you can't get in.
But there's a beach.
They're out there.
They're sitting on the beach.
And these wasps used to own the whole world
and now they have this small patch of dirt in Southampton.
And these are, you know, 800 of the wealthiest families on the planet.
And many of them have memberships to this beach club
and they all drive beater old cars there.
It would be seen as grotesque to show up in a Lambo
or, you know, a Bugatti, something ostentatious.
It is very Wasp aesthetic over there.
And I walked through it.
I walked through the beach part of it.
You know, there's women wearing, like, white bonnets and kids.
I mean, it looked kind of like a regular, you know, beach club.
You could take, you know, the difference was that people were reading.
Let's be honest.
That was the major difference.
A couple of people had a few books.
And not trashy romance novels where there's, like, a guy whose pecs are busting
out of his shirt.
You know, it looks like some fucking, you know, logger, you know, on the front
cover of the book.
And it wasn't Harry Potter.
It wasn't adults reading Harry Potter like a lot of the beaches I go to where
it's an adult reading tween fiction.
And adults sitting there unashamed reading tween fiction.
It wasn't that.
I couldn't see what the books were, but I could tell by their covers they were
not that.
But other than that, other than the fact that you saw people reading age-appropriate
material,
it wasn't that obvious that it was so different from the types of people that
would just normally congregate on a beach in a well-to-do area.
I mean, there were no boom boxes.
I don't want to be racist here.
And this is going to seem racist, but you know what I mean.
Nobody was playing loud music.
There were no potato chips.
Nobody had a bag of Lay's potato chips.
Nobody was sitting around crunching cheese doodles.
It was people that were reading quietly, talking quietly, going in in the water.
Of course, there's no phones allowed, no Instagram, no TikToking, no, you know.
There are strict rules.
And Christina Cuomo, Chris Fredo Cuomo Corleone didn't have Corona, never
forget, liar.
His wife, Christina Grisholm, is a member of the Southampton bathing court.
Do I know?
Can I be certain that she was not told that I committed the social sin of
walking through the beach club that I am not a member of?
I don't know.
Can I be sure?
Can I be certain that that did not happen?
Is this a war for the future of the Hamptons?
Is this the cycles of new money replacing old?
Am I locked in the same war that Vanderbilt and Carnegie and Rockefeller were
in?
I could be.
But I'm ready for it.
I'm ready for it.
I'm here fighting for your rights.
First of all, it is your right to die.
No one's told you that.
It's your right to die.
It's your right to die.
You have a right to die.
Okay?
It is not your right to kill other people.
But if other people all take a risk and kill each other, you're not killing
them.
Do you see what I mean?
Like if everybody decides, for example, like, you know, we always talk about
drunk drivers.
What if everyone in the car is drunk?
Do you know how many times I've been in a car and everyone is drunk?
And every time we get into an accident, almost people would laugh.
Nobody in the car deserved to survive.
Nobody.
There was no innocent person in the car.
There was no, like, good person that had just accidentally ended up in a car
with three other drunks on a Wednesday night in Long Island.
Leaving a bar called Lisa's Lounge.
Everybody already had blood on their hands.
You see?
So if everybody wants to get together and assess the risk and go out and enjoy
some fucking entertainment,
which is, I think, their God-given right or state-given,
they should be able to do that without the fear of reprisal from this vindictive,
petty gangster who's running New York State.
And this is the play until Trump loses.
And you could hate Trump.
You could want Trump to lose.
I think it would be very healthy for the country to have a reset right about
now.
But let's just be honest.
If you work in the restaurant business or if you work in entertainment, be
prepared for a rocky couple of months.
Because especially if you're in a blue state, a lot of these governors, they're
not going to allow the phases to reopen in a way that makes people feel hopeful
about the future.
I think the plan is to kind of reopen gradually, slowly, and I don't think a
hell of a lot of reopening is going to happen before November.
I just don't believe that.
And listen, that's a strategy.
And it's because a lot of these states don't want to get clobbered again.
There's many reasons.
But let's not for a minute pretend.
Let's not for a second pretend that there isn't a benefit to keeping the
economy stalled and keeping people a little terrorized.
They just want you a little nervous out there.
They want you a little apprehensive out there, a little fearful.
They want you to know that society is fragile and that that is part of a
strategy to force political change in the country.
You may agree with it.
You may think it's smart.
You may think it's necessary.
You might think it's long overdue.
But let's be very honest about what it is.
It's not, I think if Biden and Kamala win, the tone of the coverage is going to
change.
Trump did bungle this.
I think we can all agree, if we're honest, that Trump didn't do a great job.
I don't know how well other presidents would have done.
And now we'll never know.
I mean, we might know if we get a new one in a few months.
But at the end of the day, the media wants this guy out.
And they're using every opportunity to, you know, act as a partisan political
machine.
That's what they're doing.
If you can't see that, you yourself have left the planet, which is okay.
That's fine.
But just know that.
Just, you can see that.
And it's not all undeserved.
That's the other thing.
Trump is not above reproach.
He doesn't, he deserves a lot of criticism.
He's the last person you'd want in any type of crisis.
You know, he, like Cuomo, is petty.
He's vindictive.
You know, you know, I don't know what Cuomo did.
I haven't really been following this nursing home scandal.
I just know that my mother is in a nursing home and has not died of COVID.
And everyone in my family has been terribly disappointed.
You know, we call every day and we're like, what, what is going on?
Has everyone died but her?
Has literally every person died of COVID in the nursing home system but her?
This bitch is sucking up tax dollars like you have no idea.
I mean, shoot her in the head and just say it's COVID.
Who cares?
They're not going to care.
The people who run this state are fucking criminals.
They're gangsters.
Just smother her with a pillow for Christ.
But I don't know what he's been doing.
I think he's just been putting, you know, he's just let a brush fire of COVID
run through the nursing home system in New York State.
Okay?
While he's not canceling comedy shows held in parking lots, he spends his time
shipping sick COVID patients to nursing homes, starting a brush fire of disease.
This is a guy who claims how well New York handled COVID.
He fails to mention that all of the outbreaks of COVID from around the country
originate and emanate from New York, not shutting down immediately and letting
people leave.
Now, I'm not saying that New York should have shut down or it shouldn't have
shut down.
But let's look at the causation of a lot of the COVID outbreaks came.
They can be directly traced to New Yorkers.
So, before we throw ourselves a victory party and before somebody pops out of
the cake and before mama starts rolling the eggplant rollatini and before we
bring out the chafing dishes and before we get the fucking penne alla vodka and
the chicken frances and the cannolis out,
let's understand that you and your state infected the entire country, yes or
yes.
Those are just facts, Andrew, Andy, Meatball.
They're just facts.
And you can be a, you can revise history, you can do whatever makes you
comfortable, you can get out and, you know, do this dance.
Do you desperately want to be president?
We've never had an Italian president and we never will.
We will have a transgender member of Antifa before we have somebody who smells
like garlic sitting in that Oval Office, okay?
Criminal.
Understand that, criminal.
There's nothing really better than anti-Italian racism.
And because it is allowed.
That's just simply why it's so good.
It's sanctioned.
It's allowed.
Nobody will stop you from doing it.
In fact, there's only an upside to you engaging in racism against Irish people
or Italians, which is why I do it so frequently.
And because I know a lot of Irish people and Italian people.
So it's kind of, it's fun to poke fun at them.
But I mean, if the governor, let's say, let's just say for an example, the
governor was a black lesbian.
Let's do the show again.
Ready?
Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
The show's got canceled.
Real disappointing.
Anyway, heading back to L.A. pretty soon.
I'm really excited about, you see the difference, you see the difference, and
that's unfortunate.
That is unfortunate because I do believe that everybody deserves a good lashing,
specifically when they are targeting just a clown, just a happy clown.
Coming to dance is clown dance for the people in Long Island, the simple people
in Long Island who just want to laugh.
They just want to laugh and eat bacon, egg, and cheese sandwiches and
occasionally do a little heroin.
That's all they want to do.
They want to live in houses they inherited and complain about the tax burden.
$6 trillion already spent on COVID-19.
The national debt has soared past $26 trillion.
What impact do you think that's going to have on the value of the dollar?
Who's paying for it all?
Fact.
If you don't think we're sitting on a house of cards, you're living with your
head in the sand.
Do not wait for the bottom to fall out.
Now is the time to protec