Name: #216 - A Good Deal | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-09-06T04:12:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#216 - A Good Deal | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#216 - A Good Deal | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-06. Transcript available.

#216 - A Good Deal | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. We are here without Wi-Fi
in the middle of
the desert, in the middle of a California heat wave, wildfires, 118 degrees,
scorched earth
everywhere you look. The smell of sulfur or burning, the brown landscape just
being charred
in front of your own eyes. But that's where we've chosen to make our stand from.
That's where we've
chosen to plant our flag here in the middle of the desert, literally on the
surface of Mars. I'll
be here for a few more months and then I have to rejoin society little by
little. Thank you to
everybody who came out to the Stress Factory in New Jersey. We had a lot of fun.
That is the club
in America right now that I believe, and this is from other people that have
done this as well, that is
really having the best results with an outdoor setup. The Stress Factory, the
owner of any brand, put a lot
of money into an outdoor, fully functional comedy club. You have 150 seats, you
have lighting, you have
sound, you have everything that would make a regular comedy club. It really
feels like you're at a festival,
like an outdoor festival. It's a great experience. And we sold out four shows
there immediately.
And for everyone that, you know, didn't get in, that wanted to get in, we'll be
back, you know,
hopefully sooner rather than later. More shows are being announced. We're back
out on the road.
You know, things are opening up. A lot of comedy clubs are opening up at 50%
capacity.
Some are socially distanced. And I mean, this is what we're going to have to do.
You know, in the beginning,
I said, I'm not going to be out on the road. We didn't know what the hell was
going on.
I still don't want to perform in front of cars. I still don't want to perform
on the street.
I don't want to perform in the middle of a park. I mean, these are, I'm not
saying I'll never perform
at one of those car things. I'm a little curious, but I don't, I just don't
want to do it.
And because the show is, you know, very successful and we can be funny on this
show,
we don't need to do it, thankfully. But now that things are opening up, I got
to go back out and
be a comedian. That's part, that's part of what I do. It's part of the attack
plan here, you know,
and we're doing it as safely as we can. I mean, the numbers are going down,
even in the states that
are hot, you know, now the COVID craziness has become QAnon for the left. This
is what it is.
It's my aunt calls me about it. She starts quoting models and doctors from
other countries and 80,000,
30,000 beds in the ER and you don't understand a latency peer. I mean, you know,
it's become a QAnon
movement for the left, the insanity and the obsession with COVID. I'm not
saying to not be careful.
I'm not saying it isn't real. I'm not saying I can't get it and drop dead
tomorrow. All of these things
could happen. What I am saying is that this incessant need and desire to sit at
home, drink wine and
imagine worst case scenarios is infecting the body politic and it's not healthy.
I'm just saying that
on both sides, on QAnon, kids in the tunnels and on everybody's going to get
COVID and nobody's going
to be able to draw a single breath, that they are both unhealthy extremes where
people are imagining
the worst over and over again. Any boomer that is plugged into politics heavily
is Q or COVID. That
is it. Truly, that is where they live. They're either hardcore Q or hardcore
COVID. You know who they
are. They might be your parents, your aunt, your uncle. They call you up and
they have statistics.
When somebody has statistics ready, it's a problem. Okay. If you're out to
dinner with someone and they
start talking about a chart, it's not going to be a good night. If they bring
out a model, my aunt
called me. I'm in a car. I'm in a car. I'm in a cab. On the way back, I'm with
Dan who opened for me
and we're on the way back to the house and my aunt calls me, starts talking
about models.
So it's talking to me about the model they've built and the COVID deaths and
what's going to
happen and where we're all going. And, and I'm like, I'm kind of laughing and
the cab driver's laughing
too, because it's like, no one fucking knows anything about anything here. The
one thing that
we've proven over the last fucking six months is that nobody really knows
anything. Some people have
been more right than others, but we're still figuring out what the fuck's going
on. Supposedly,
doctors now have a better way to treat this. They have a cocktail of drugs. Uh,
they're using
ventilators as a last resort. Listen, I'm not telling anybody what risks you
should take or what
you shouldn't take, but there's a whole hell of a lot of people in this country
that never got a
fucking quarantine. They've been fucking working. Have you gone through a Del
Taco? They've been at
work. Have you gone to a hospital? They've been at work when they're not TikToking.
Have you gone to
a fucking store, a grocery store? They've been at work. A lot of people have
been at work. So it's time
to start dipping our toe back out there and going back to work. There's no
other option. There's no
other option. You can't sit around and, and wait for a vaccine that may never
come, which I don't
personally really want to put synthetic coronavirus in me. I've never gotten a
flu vaccine. I've never
had the flu. I don't want to walk into a Walgreens and get shot up with
synthetic coronavirus.
Some people do, and that's great, but I personally, at this moment in my life,
maybe I'll regret that
decision. That's what's great about decisions. You may regret them. You may not,
but I mean,
is anybody excited about the coronavirus vaccine? I'm excited about the idea of
there being a vaccine.
No one's excited for that needle. Nobody. I don't care who you are. Nobody's
excited for it. You like
the idea of it. You want other people getting it. Give it to everyone else. I
want to go to dinner,
give it to everyone else, but not one person. When you imagine the vaccine, it's
kind of hilarious.
You imagine it as like this fucking concept that you're never going to really
have to get
in line to get. I imagine the coronavirus vaccine is something I read about the
news and go, oh, good,
good, good. The more seats are open and whatever. I don't want to go to show up
to LabCorp and get
a needle in my ass with Bill Melinda Gates. That's just, so we think about the
vaccine. It's like an idea
that is a positive idea for society overall, but for me personally, and a lot
of people that I know
and that I talked to, nobody's running out of their house demanding to be one
of the first
fucking trials of this thing. Nobody wants it. You know, we need it. And I hope
some people get it,
but I don't want to get it. Let the other people get it. You know, the others.
I'm not saying racially.
Give it to the elderly. They're on a way out. Let them see if it works. See if
it works.
I don't know. People with preexisting conditions, maybe they need it and want
it. And it's,
I'm just saying that we're back out on the road. Dates are coming. Tickets sell
out fast. People
are hungry. They want to get out. They want to have fun. You know, we're not
doing meet and greets.
We're not being, we're being careful. All these comedians that are shitting on
people on the road
are usually comedians that have never been on the road, you know? And they're
like, oh,
these comedians are back on the road. I'm like, you've never been on the road.
What are you,
no one's coming. What are you upset about? You know, listen, throughout this
whole process,
I never judged one motherfucker that went to work. I wasn't doing it. Like, I'm
not judging you if
you put a needle in your ass the minute that the vaccine debuts at wherever the
fuck they're going
to start letting people get it. McDonald's. I don't know. But I don't judge any.
I'm going what I'm
going to do. And what I'm going to do is now kind of go out because I've seen
numbers and I've seen
things that lead me to believe this is the appropriate time to begin to start
going out. But when they were,
there were comics out three months ago, I didn't judge them. You do what you
got to do. If you're
earning money in live situations only, or even just primarily, you got to do
what you got to do.
I don't judge anybody. You know? I mean, a lot of people have been working. Cops
have been working. Right? I mean, there's many videos of them doing their jobs.
Police in major cities
working. God, man, I saw that video where they put a hood over a guy's head
and then they, the guy suffocates and then they push him into the ground.
And it's like, what, what is the excuse for that behavior?
I mean, truly the guy, it was sick. Maybe at Corona, it's something they didn't
want to,
I don't know what the argument's going to be. He was yelling. He had COVID-19.
So they put a spit
hood on him to protect themselves. This was back in March. Yeah. It's part of
the, it's part of the
medicine medication for COVID-19 slamming a guy into the ground. Like, and then
the guy suffocates,
man, I mean, it, it, it, it, the country's going to burn. I mean, I don't know
what else to tell you. Like you watch some of these videos and they are fucking
wild. And they're, you don't, you don't know what's going on. And I talk about
this in my act and I'm not going to give away this joke, but I would like to
defend more police. But a lot of the people I know personally,
and I've said it before on the show that have, that are cops that have guns
should not have guns. So I do understand that there's, we, the screening
process for the cops is apparently, I know people are going to email me and go,
it's actually great. Well, it clearly isn't. There's clearly a problem for
smashing people into the ground. You know, we don't need to put hoods on people.
I mean, what, what, I mean, this is like, this is the way Ellen DeGeneres
treats her staff. That's how bad it is. Putting hoods on people.
It's not right. We were just in the party store. We go to these dumb Halloween
pop-ups a lot of times. You know, one of the things about being in LA proper
was that there was a lot of costume shops. There's a lot of places, you know,
the coronavirus costume, the Epstein Temple costume. We had actual costume
designers design those costumes because they have to be really cool to look at,
but they also have to be durable. We get in and out of cars. We're all over the
place. And that was a benefit of being in LA.
LA. But now we're in LA. But now we're in the desert. You got to go to these
Halloween pop-up stores. And we're at this pop-up store just looking at stuff,
you know, might make stuff, might not.
And I'm looking at this. And I'm seeing inflatable boom box. I'm seeing gold
chains. I'm seeing hoop earrings. And I'm going, this Halloween's going to go
bad for some people. I'm telling you that right now.
So, I don't know what section I was in, but that was the section of the
Halloween pop-up where you're going to lose your job. That was the section.
If you're white, I'm just saying, whether you agree with it or not, just don't
show up with hoop earrings and an inflatable boom box to the office party this
year.
Let's just let this year be the year you do cat ears. Do sexy cat.
Don't show up with gold chains and dress up as run DMC this year. At the
holiday party, race relations are not at the best moment they've been.
Just a little advice from me to you. I know, I know, cultural appropriation is
kind of BS and blah, blah. I'm just saying, for your own advice out there, this
is really not the Halloween to be.
Are they still making cop uniforms, by the way, for Halloween?
I think we saw one. Yeah, I think we did.
I mean, good luck. Good luck going a sexy Derek Chauvin this year for Halloween,
by the way.
I bet those cop uniforms are going to take a hit. Some people will dress their
kids up as cops.
We support the police. Blue laughs matter.
You know, there's some poor kid who's like, I want to be a vampire. And they're
like,