Name: #217 - Cuties | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-09-13T04:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#217 - Cuties | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#217 - Cuties | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-13. Transcript available.

#217 - Cuties | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here Saturday night for you every week,
Saturday night or Sunday morning,
whenever you are coming across this broadcast.
I'm watching my friend's bulldog.
My friend got, he had a baby.
He had a baby and he texted me and said,
are you in LA?
And I was because I was performing
at Whitney Cummings' standup show
that she had in her driveway.
We'll talk about that in a moment.
And I had said I would do it.
I said I'd take the dog when you had a baby.
I said, when the baby comes, I'll take the dog.
You don't think anyone's gonna actually
remember these things you say,
but you say them in the hopes
that people will forget about them
and then disappear from your life.
But because that didn't happen,
I had to honor my commitment.
So he is here and we will bring him,
we'll get him on screen eventually,
but we're gonna just,
so we may have to just,
you may see us,
our eyes darting around the room
because these bulldogs,
it's like a little hippopotamus.
It's like a little pig
and it just destroys everything.
I mean, they can't procreate.
They can barely breathe.
They can't walk.
I mean, it's amazing.
And I was on the phone with Ray Kump.
Ray Kump's like, that's a pig.
I'm like, what?
He's like, that thing's disgusting.
Put it down.
What do you think people say about you?
By the way, I want to say,
and I don't always, you know,
people sometimes notice something I'm in
that's not this show.
And I appreciate that.
You know, I don't announce all of my projects
and the things I do here,
but sometimes there are fans of me
that will recognize me and go,
hey, you were in that.
You know, I was on the Danny,
that show with the rapper,
Why Am I Blanking?
Danny Brown, I played Peeper the telescope
on the Danny Brown.
Get off the bed.
Don't fuck with the book.
And just get him.
Yeah, he's going to rip it open.
Just move the book, please.
I mean, just relax.
Just stop doing everything you're doing.
Just let him on the bed.
Ben, just let him on the bed.
Let him sleep.
Danny Brown, I played Peeper the telescope.
And it was a great honor to do that.
I liked Danny Brown a lot.
It was a funny show.
The dialogue was funny.
And now people have noticed me
in the new Netflix film, Cuties.
And it's been an honor to be in that.
And it's just such a real treat.
I am one of the Cuties.
And I play a young woman
who is being exploited sexually.
And people are in arms about it.
They're up in arms about it.
I've not seen this.
Kurt Metzger, my friend,
I was talking to him last night
and he said,
this is an intersectional car crash.
Because you have a woman of color director
who's trying to, I guess,
shed light on the idea
that young girls are being exploited sexually.
But how did they shed light on the idea
that young girls were being exploited sexually?
By sexually exploiting young girls.
So supposedly the last scene
in this film is so disturbing
and such clear, like, bait for pedophiles
that it's so absurd
that there's nationwide campaigns.
Cancel Netflix.
People are canceling Netflix,
which I saw cancel Netflix.
I said, I have to do a Jenny slate.
But no, it's Cuties.
I'm kidding.
Love Jenny and the whole squad.
But Cuties, have you seen Cuties?
I have not seen it yet.
You're lying.
I have.
You've been watching Cuties.
That's a real sick.
By the way, how sick is it?
Like, that's the real fucking...
Somebody calls you and they're like,
hey, I found a movie on Netflix that's great.
You might want to check it out.
What's it called?
Cuties.
By the way, the name sounds like a dark web CP website.
Cuties.
And the marketing for the thing
is not good.
Like, the marketing for it is not.
Like, we're shedding light on the issue of
exploitation of minors.
The marketing for it is like,
look at these bitches twerk.
That's the problem.
The problem is the marketing is like,
it's female empowerment.
Yes, queen.
I'm 11 years old and here's my pussy.
And it's like, whoa.
Whoa.
I mean, the marketing for this
is out of control.
Why does that girl in the back kind of look like Val Kilmer?
The point is this.
Terrifying.
This is not appropriate.
Get it off the screen.
We just showed for a minute.
We don't want to have this.
Let's not have that be the backdrop, please.
God only knows.
The point is that people are angry,
justifiably,
at cuties.
Shapiro, Ben Shapiro,
had a good take on it
where he was like,
the message is getting lost
kind of in the marketing of the film.
Because I think the marketing,
you have so many different,
you know, buzzwords here going on.
It's like female empowerment.
And then also like exploitation.
So it's like you have these young,
scantily clared minors
in doing very sexually suggestive dances
on Netflix.
The set is about to come down.
The set is about to come down.
Are you?
Hold on.
I'm going to get them.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Hold on.
This is the producer of cuties.
This is why he's trying to destroy the show.
Stand up.
Now sit.
Sit.
Please sit.
Sit down.
Sit.
Have you seen cuties?
Is this why you're trying to destroy the show?
Do you have any respect for anything?
When he first met Oscar,
Oscar really tried to fuck him up.
And Duncan didn't understand
because Duncan didn't understand.
He didn't understand
that there was evil in the world
until he met Oscar.
And Oscar just tried to attack him
for absolutely no reason.
And Duncan's just trying to...
Duncan, it's a podcast.
I mean,
what is the history of this dog?
Like, these dogs...
How did they even come about?
It's so crazy.
But what...
The point here is that cuties
are really getting people angry.
I have not seen it.
I don't really plan on seeing it.
I don't plan on seeing cuties.
Duncan, you're a cutie, are you?
Now he's fucking up the sound.
You can't do this, Duncan.
9-11 just came and passed.
Duncan, what do you think about 9-11?
All right, you have to get down now.
You have to get down.
Oh, God.
He's such a monster.
Hold on, hold on.
Get him down.
Say goodbye to everyone, Duncan.
We got to talk about 9-11 now, Duncan.
He's so heavy.
He's so incredibly heavy.
Everybody, you know,
this girl on Friendswood on Facebook,
she put a photo of Donald Trump up
holding a flag,
and she goes,
two days after 9-11,
she goes,
he'll always get my vote.
He's always put America first.
And you're like,
well, if that's all we need to do
to secure your vote
is to hold up a flag
on the roof of a building
two days after a national tragedy,
well, then that's...
Ah, he'll never not get my vote.
Right.
Even if he serves two terms
and he wants to serve another one,
he'll get my vote
because he held a flag up
after 9-11.
By the way,
one of the funniest things ever
that I've ever seen,
there was this tour guide
who was like this old, bitter guy,
and he was just an angry guy
when I was a tour guide
in New York City
on those double-decker buses.
And it was the anniversary of 9-11,
and he got on the bus,
and like a British couple
had asked about the heroism
of the firefighters.
Like they went,
it must have been an amazing day.
Maybe they were Australian.
I'll never get these rocks.
Some are British,
and then some come out Australian.
But let's say
they were from the land down under.
And he was like,
well,
it was real heroes that day.
And the guy's response
was the best I've ever heard.
He goes,
he goes,
that's all a lie.
He goes,
I was downtown.
I saw those buildings fall,
and the cops and the firemen.
He goes,
they ran the other way.
He goes,
no one ran into those buildings.
He goes,
I watched it.
He goes,
so you can believe
whatever lie you want.
He goes,
nobody was running
into those burning buildings.
They were running away.
They were cowards.
I swear,
the whole bus
was just frozen.
They didn't know what to do.
The guy goes,
they were cowards.
They were running away.
And the guy was like,
oh,
he was just staring like
some Australian guy
was just staring at him.
I'm like,
oh,
whoa,
whoa,
whoa.
I'd never heard that.
And then he said to me,
this guy,
I was training
on his bus,
you know,
and then he said to me,
he goes,
he goes,
I'm not lying.
He goes,
they ran away.
And I'm like,
wasn't there.
I was in Miss Rice's history class
in Holy Trinity,
Diocesan High School
in Hicksville,
New York.
I was sitting there
next to a woman
named Kate Butler,
who now has another name.
She was,
and I had asked her
for a pen or a pencil
because I always
didn't bring a pen
or a pencil to school.
That was my thing.
I never,
I always said,
for four years,
I said,
do you have a pen?
Do you have a pencil?
Do you have the homework?
You know?
What book were we supposed to read?
I could never handle it.
I just was never prepared.
I did not go to school prepared.
Okay?
Unlike this show,
which has
so much preparation.
So much show prep.
I mean,
hours and hours
and days and days
of preparation
for this program.
But I turned around to Kate
and I said,
do you have a pen?
And before I knew it,
and the teacher
was called out of the room.
She was brought back in
and then there was,
she said there has been a,
there was an attack
of the World Trade Center
and the Pentagon.
And back then,
we didn't,
you know,
the World Trade Center
had been bombed already.
So we didn't even put it together
that that was a huge deal.
And then the Pentagon
was the one
that made me go,
wow,
this is war.
Because the Pentagon,
you knew.
It's like,
you know,
this is the civilian command center,
the military,
civilian,
and, you know,
this is the,
this is the big one.
They're hitting the Pentagon.
So I was sitting there
and I was in
Miss Rice's history class
and I heard that.
And the first thing
I screamed out
in the class,
I said,
inside job.
They said,
what?
I said,
it's an inside job.
Don't you see that?
I didn't even know
what happened,
but I just instinctually said,
it's an inside job.
And then I just started screaming,
there are no planes.
And what was strange
is I didn't even know
that there were planes
he's trying to fuck the chair.
Do you see
what he's trying to do?
He's trying to fuck the chair
right now.
He's just trying to,
he's trying to fuck the chair.
Does 9-11 get you horny,
Duncan?
I screamed,
there were no planes.
It was sad.
You know,
one of the kids I knew
in school,
his dad died.
Really,
a lot of people's parents,
I called my dad so quick.
I'm like,
are you a Windows of the World?
He's like,
no.
What?
I'm home.
I'm like,
all right,
see you later.
How great would that,
how great would it be
to lose a parent in 9-11?
Let's stop pretending
that wouldn't have been
the greatest moment
of your fucking life.
Hey,
how's Pete Davidson doing?
Pretty fucking good.
He's not sitting here
trying to keep a bulldog
off his set.
I'd tuck,
I'd strap both of my parents
into the seats
of United 93
if I could have
a tenth of his career.
So let's cut to shit.
Candlelight Vigils?
Where'd mommy go?
I don't know.
Bin Laden took her.
Where's my movie?
I'm sitting here for years,
week after week.
Brilliance.
Brilliance.
But I,
because I don't have a parent
that died.
I'll melt my parents
right fuck now.
Judd Apatow,
email me.
Stop.
He agrees.
He's barking at the box
of Magic Spoon.
He's barking at the Magic Spoon.
Why?
Because you realize
it's a keto cereal?
Is that why?
Because it simulates
the experience
of the sugar cereals
you liked as a child?
Is that why you're barking?
I don't know.
Enough with the,
the 9-11
porn memorabilia?
Can we stop?
That day we were
all Americans.
Okay.
Thanks.
Thanks a lot.
You know,
that day we were
all Americans.
That day we were
all Americans.
That, yes.
And the day before
that too.
And the day after that.
But thank you for making
that brilliant point.
There was a lot of unity
in the early periods
after 9-11.
I've discussed it
on this show.
There was a lot of unity
in the early periods
after 9-11
in this country.
But that evaporated
pretty quickly.
And we wanted it too.
You don't want a country.
You don't want a cult.
You don't want to live
in a cult.
How are you doing?
How weird would that be?
Shut up.
How weird would it be
if you just walked around
and e