Name: #218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-09-20T04:00:06.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-09-20. Transcript available.

#218 - Fake Business | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
We are here again for your viewing and listening pleasure.
The shirt I am wearing today, 9-11, A Closer Look,
Tim J. Dillon, brought to me by three gentlemen,
forget their names, at the Stress Factory Comedy Club in New Jersey.
I appreciate that.
This is, of course, a callback to the joke I said
that this is the class that I would teach if I was a teacher.
And three gentlemen bring it up to me.
They gave it to me.
It's a little small, but that's all right.
I'm at day five of keto.
We're turning over a new leaf.
And a little small, but I wear it on the show to thank those gentlemen.
They came up to me and go, you could sell them.
Just give us half.
Gross.
Gross.
Just give someone.
Everybody's Gary Vee?
Relax.
Be happy I enjoyed it.
It was a nice thing.
What, are we going into business together?
I don't know who the fuck you are.
Yeah, sell it, man.
Just give us half.
What are you, nuts?
Oh, yeah.
Get on the team.
Fill out a W-9.
We'll just salary everybody.
Let's put you on a salary.
You could come up with some more ideas.
Thanks for all the work you put into the shirt.
Giving you half for what?
You think I can't do that?
I hope they sue me in intellectual property court.
We've sold 75,000 of these.
I'm a trillionaire.
I'm not selling 9-11 shirts, buddy.
Calm down.
I do appreciate it and I like it.
Thank you.
The fires are finally starting to calm down now.
The fire department in Los Angeles, clearly an incompetent group of lazy people
that cannot
do anything has finally, by accident, somehow made some progress with these
fires.
Okay?
How about going to work?
I saw we had breakfast the other day.
I see one of these lugs just with a fire truck on a suburban street standing
there.
And I said, I'm sorry.
Are there not things for you to be doing at this particular moment?
But I think the firefighters are starting the fires to try to get relevant
because they're
jealous that everybody's talking about cops.
So the firemen are now lighting shit up so they can get some goddamn attention.
Okay?
Pretty childish.
Bobcat fire spreads to 60,555 acres while still threatening Mount Wilson and
the San Gabriel
Mountain communities.
Several areas in the Angeles National Forest remain under evacuation orders as
containment
of the blaze increased to 15%.
So they've increased, they're 15% more successful at containing the fire than
they were.
Well, hey, good job.
Maybe we'll get to 17%.
What's going on over there?
It's not hard.
It's fire and water.
Put it in a hose and put it out.
What are you doing?
Standing and looking at it?
It's pretty easy.
Have you ever had a small fire in the kitchen?
Yeah, it's easy.
You put water or you put the lid on the thing.
And get the air out.
Get the air out.
Put a tarp on it.
Tarp it up.
Tarp it up.
It's over.
Don't fucking stand around trying to feel, because, you know, everything now is
about,
you know, oh, it's so hard.
It's the easiest thing ever.
There's a fire.
What puts it out?
Water.
We know that.
This isn't coronavirus, where we're searching for the vaccine.
We know the enemy of fire is water.
Point the hose at the fire and put it out.
Am I wrong?
Truly, am I wrong here?
If I'm wrong, tell me.
I don't think you are.
I don't think I'm wrong either.
We got a bunch of degenerates running around, not putting out the fires.
Put the water on the fire.
Do it from a helicopter or do it from a hose.
What happens on the show?
See, I started this as kind of a bit, but as I'm going into it, I do think I'm
almost right.
Like, as I'm leaning into this more, I kind of believe that I'm not all wrong
here.
Well, the wind is blowing the fire.
Then point the hose where the wind's blowing.
How about making all of it wet so that it can't catch fire?
Just start soaking shit.
Get some super soakers.
Remember those when you were a kid?
You get the super soaker?
You could have fun.
Have fun with it.
Go out in the forest with the super soakers.
It's fun.
It's fun and productive.
It's fun and nobody dies.
Have a water gun fight.
It's fun.
And you make progress with the fire.
I mean, these things are going on for weeks.
What are these slugs doing?
I'm genuinely curious.
Go up in the helicopter.
Spray the hose from above it.
I'm confused.
Does anyone out there understand what's happening?
It can only be that these firefighters are enjoying this because they're sick
fucks.
That's what I think.
They're sick people.
And they like watching things burn.
Who becomes a firefighter anyway?
What's that about?
You like heat?
It's a little wild.
I'm just saying, rein it in, boys.
We've had enough.
The citizens of California have had enough.
How great would it be if Newsom got out and just threw him under the bus?
He goes, we have the most incompetent fire department.
I mean, these people can't fucking do anything.
I mean, these people can't fucking do anything.
I mean, God.
They can't do anything.
These things have been burning for weeks.
They know it.
They know where it's going to go.
They just don't care.
They're always shocked.
It also happens every year.
Why are we always shocked that the fire's coming?
Get a clue.
As Roseanne would say, dumbass.
She called me a dumbass.
Dumbass.
In other positive news in Los Angeles, people are now moving boulders under the
freeways
to keep the homeless from living there.
If you've been to Los Angeles, which many people are leaving, many are evacuating.
Ben Shapiro took 75 jobs to Nashville, Tennessee.
Joe Rogan took one job to Texas.
He took Jamie Vernon.
So there's an exodus out of California.
People are leaving.
They've had enough.
The homelessness has reached a crisis point under most overpasses in California.
You see large tent cities, communities, Hoovervilles, if you will, only to be
made worse by current
economic conditions.
But what does a functional society do when presented with such an issue?
What does a functional society do?
We take boulders and we put them under the bridges so the homeless people can't
set up
tents there.
We take spikes and put them places so they can't sit down.
We put rings on the benches in the park so they can't sleep.
We make LA into a level of Super Mario Brothers so no one can ever rest ever
again.
We have those thromps, and that's what they're called.
Those big thromps, stone things fall down on the homeless people if they, for a
second,
pause and look like they're going to set up shop.
This can't be the solution, okay?
Other than the fact that it's pretty inhumane, it can't be the solution of a
functional society
to just build a lava pit where the homeless people were.
That can't work.
I don't know what will work, but that just doesn't.
Is there more of a sign of a dysfunctional society than two guys walking under
an overpass
with a boulder and putting it down?
Could there be any sign that this, I mean, just turn the lights on the way out,
this place
is fucking done, than two schmucks walking around with large rocks?
How creepy is that?
So you drive into the underpass, now there's no homeless people, there's just
rocks.
There's boulders everywhere.
Hollywood screenwriter behind Point Break and Varsity Blues moved boulders into
West Los Angeles
freeway underpass to keep homeless people out of the hottest weekend of the
year.
Interesting.
A Hollywood screenwriter helped arrange to have 60 boulders lined up on a
pedestrian sidewalk
in Los Angeles to keep homeless people from setting up tents in the shaded area
on a day
when temperatures reached 111 degrees.
So I imagine people are not too happy with this gentleman, right?
People are probably angry about that.
LA is a pretty liberal place.
LA screenwriter sets up large spikes to discourage homeless people from sitting
in said area.
It is out of control.
I think it's nuts that a homeless person can set up a tent outside of your
house.
They're maybe mentally unstable.
They're a drug addict.
They could be a pedophile.
They're hanging out.
You got kids.
You don't want somebody like that that could be potentially dangerous.
I think it's weird that the cops won't break that up.
I agree with that.
But I think the solution must be bigger than just rigging an obstacle course
around Los Angeles
that homeless people have to now go through.
Hollywood screenwriter has put up hurdles so that homeless people have to learn
how to jump
in order to get...
I mean, we need some investments in mental health care.
We need housing.
And look at how much housing is going to be for homeless people.
This is crazy.
What the fuck are they doing?
They say LA's homeless housing now costs more than some luxury condos.
$746,000 per unit.
And I don't know why it costs so much.
I imagine because of regulations and I don't know.
But $746,000 per unit for a homeless person.
For a homeless...
I mean, that seems a little high.
The HHH tax dollars were intended to facilitate development of up to 10,000
units of housing
for LA's homeless.
Four years later, only 228 units have been built.
Good job.
What are you guys in league with the fire department?
The cost per unit to the taxpayers keeps rising, and construction on some
projects is behind.
We have a crisis on our streets.
Last year, we had 1,000 people who died on our streets.
So this is a question of life and death, Galperin told the I-Team, which is
that news team.
Galperin says the rising cost of building housing for the homeless is due
partly to the red tape
involved in getting projects approved.
There should be no red tape getting projects approved.
How safe do these motherfucking things have to be?
It's safer than under an underpass.
What is this, million-dollar listing?
Get the fucking boxes up, put the beds in them, and we're done here.
What is some lunatic walking around going, my concern is the finishes?
Because a lot of my clients really want high-end finishes, granite, marble.
What are the acoustics on the wood?
It's very important.
We don't want the rooms to be too loud.
Put the bed on the floor.
Move on.
Heat, air conditioning, that's it.
Running water.
God's name is taking so fucking long.
Here's the problem.
What happens is, and I get this, people don't want these low-income, low-cost,
homeless housing in their areas.
That's what it is, and that's probably part of the reason it takes a while for
these things to get approved.
We just have to convince the homeless.
We just have to convince the homeless that L.A.'s over.
They've got to get out of here.
They can be homeless anywhere now.
They don't need to be here.
You understand?
They can do their jobs from anywhere.
It's hot.
People here are stingy.
They're not giving.
There's not a ton of tourists to get over on.
Maybe think about New Orleans or another place.
Let's redirect the homeless and try to give them the idea that they can go
somewhere else and have a better chance of duping tourists, better climate,
more open spaces.
There's so many places to go in this country if you're homeless.
And we should have a campaign for this.
We should come out.
L.A. should say, we want to remind the homeless that we love having you here,
and we've loved having you here.
But this is a big, wide-open country with so much space.
That's why people say to me, Tim, you're so negative about America.
No.
No, I'm not.
I understand the great things about this country, one of them being that there
are so many places to go if you're homeless.
That is such a positive that's never talked about.
We always talk about the other great things about our country, like our health
care or education systems.
But we never discuss how great it is to be homeless here.
The absolute freedom, the utter joy of being homeless in a town with a high
influx of tourists.
Many of them will give you things you don't even have to have a weapon, just
look threatening.
And they will call, many of them are drunk, and you could push them down on the
way back to their hotel and grab something from them.
So what is all the negativity about America?
Things are actually pretty good.
So we ne