Name: #220 - Hail Mary | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-10-04T04:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#220 - Hail Mary | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#220 - Hail Mary | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-10-04. Transcript available.

#220 - Hail Mary | The Tim Dillon Show

I am Patricia Oliver and this is my husband Manuel.
Two years ago our beautiful son Joaquin was shot and killed at Parkland.
Every day I think about him and what his last moments must have been like.
Meanwhile, every day nearly 100 more families lose someone they love to go on
violence.
Every single day we keep telling people it doesn't have to be like this.
They don't listen.
So we found a way to bring back someone that no one will ignore.
It's very hard for me to look at this.
So please, please listen to what our son has to say.
Yo, it's me.
It's Guac.
I've been gone for two years and nothing's changed, bro.
People are still getting killed by guns.
What is that?
Everyone knows it, but they don't do anything.
I'm tired of waiting for someone to fix it.
The election in November is the first one I could have voted in, but I'll never
get to choose the kind of world I wanted to live in.
So you've got to replace my vote.
Go to unfinishedvotes.com.
Register.
Then go vote.
Vote for politicians who care more about people's lives than the gun lobby's
money.
Vote for people not getting shot, bro.
I mean, vote for me because I can't.
We've got to keep on fighting and we've got to end this.
Well, that was fun.
I like that.
I think that's fun.
I think that's a good idea.
I think reanimating the corpses of people to come back and make political
points is a good idea.
And I know many of you probably are watching this program.
Didn't expect me to come down on that side of the issue, but I like it.
I like it.
I like making technology work for us.
I think it is such a cool way to get a message across.
Just bring people back from the dead and put words in their mouth.
And maybe did he say his name was guac?
His name is Joaquin Oliver.
Okay.
But he goes by guac.
He goes by guac.
In the beginning he said, hey, it's guac.
If I die, please reanimate me and have me just slinging promo codes.
I hope Ridge Wallet does it.
I hope if I die Ridge Wallet brings me back from the dead.
And I'm just like, I used to sling these wallets for years on my show.
And I've been dead for three years and they're still great quality.
And they're still great value.
I would have bought these wallets if I was alive, but I'm not.
I'm dead.
I don't know.
It's a little disturbing, but I get it.
They're passionate and they feel like, what can we do?
I would have liked if they did a rap song.
Mm-hmm.
If they had made Joaquin Oliver a rapper, he could have came back and did a rap
song.
You know?
That would have been a little more impressive.
I get it.
You could do the, you could recreate the voice and the imagery.
Creepy.
But I know it's possible, but make a hit.
You really want the kids involved?
Make a hit.
That's what I'm saying.
Yeah.
Have them do a talk.
Bring him back.
I want him back again for a TikTok viral dance challenge.
And a hit song.
I respect that he's got a political message, but let's take it one step further.
This is the beginning of the dystopia that we discuss on this show day in and
day out forever since we've begun talking.
This is, it's materializing.
I don't know if now that it's materializing, I'm going to have to go in like a
whole other direction.
Right.
Because it's almost, it's like barely funny now that it's here.
You know what I mean?
Like it's, like it's kind of at a point now where it's like substantially less
funny that it's arrived.
It's just mouth agape, jaw dropping.
Holy shit.
They are literally bringing back a dead kid to do a fucking PSA about voting.
Like this is literally happening.
It's real.
His parents are doing that.
This is nuts.
The president of the United States has COVID.
The doomsday planes are in the air.
Maybe I was wrong.
Maybe Jimmy Fallon and the Muppets are the way to go.
Maybe I was wrong.
How, I mean.
It's, it's truly.
I said the other night on stage, we're Nashville here.
That's why the studio looks slightly different.
The great Ben Avery flying down to make it seamless here and for you to enjoy
our, you know, our lovely curtain.
Our studio is a curtain and we want you to enjoy it.
And it's simple.
It's like, this is like, this is a table with a cloth on it.
It looks like we, it looks like we're a bunch of veterans who set up a table in
the Nassau, Nassau Coliseum in Long Island during like some type of trade show.
Military history, you know, show.
We have all kinds of metal set up and we just want to talk to you.
Um, but I mean, when Ben showed me that this morning, I was like, well, it's
here.
Like, what do you do when it's here?
Like everything we've discussed, I mean, it's just here now.
I don't know.
You want me to do, uh, uh, interviews with upcoming bands.
I don't know, but I mean, this is really, truly 100.
It's arrived.
It's not on its way.
It's not coming.
It's not a futuristic movie.
It's not an article you read.
It's not an idea.
It's not a joke.
It's not a prank.
It is 100%.
In effect.
It's here.
The dystopian nightmare has arrived.
You don't know who's talking to you.
If they're real.
If they're dead.
When they were dead.
You don't know if the people running for president are alive or dead.
They're being hidden.
Everybody's got COVID and then no one does.
States are open and then they're not.
Uh, I don't know.
Reality is a, I don't know.
You just, you, you key in.
We just had this Hattie B's Nashville hot chicken.
It's disgusting.
It's just disgusting.
What's wrong with you people?
Large swaths of this country are just drunk ne'er-do-wells
who just like some local garbage.
I mean, the chicken is like so hot you can't eat it.
There's only one reason to have food that hot.
And that it's that you had to put so much spice into it because it's bad meat.
Just fry the chicken, throw a little spice in there.
It shouldn't melt your face off in the afternoon.
But a lot of people like that here because they're drunk and they're trying to
become a, you know, the next Luke Bryan.
Trying to become a country music star.
How sad is that?
Country music is sad anyway, even when it's great.
So when you're failing at it, it's very, it's like comedy.
It's really like stand-up comedy.
When you go walking in one of these bars in Nashville, you just see somebody
with a guitar be like,
Hey, yo, I got molested as a girl or whatever they sing about.
I don't know.
But I love country.
I like country.
I love it.
But it is sad when you first start out, just like stand-up comedy, you're
standing in a room alone and you're revealing all these things about yourself
to, you know, an audience of drunks who don't care.
And then I guess you go eat Hattie B's hot chicken, which is now invading LA,
hot chicken.
Man, white people love something where if they eat it, they feel ethnic.
That's really what it is.
They love eating something spicy.
White women named Sarah with pit bulls love eating spicy food.
They do.
They love it.
So we're down here in Nashville and Ben came down to put the studio together
late last night.
As we're falling asleep, we just got word that the president of the United
States and his lovely wife, Melania Trump, who had a little whoopsie, she was
on the phone and she was talking about Christmas decorations.
And she goes, who cares about this?
Who cares about this Christmas shit?
But I do it.
I do it anyway.
You're migrant kids.
Who cares?
No one cares when Obama does this to the kids.
Poor Melania Trump.
You're hot.
You're some Slovenian model.
You know, you fuck a billionaire.
He wifes you up.
He locks you up in a golden tower.
He's cheating on you.
You don't care.
You might be cheating on him.
Who knows?
It's some type of arrangement.
You're rich as fuck.
Things are going well.
You're going out.
You're having fun.
You know, all of the sudden he goes, listen, I'm going to be the president of
the United States.
And for a minute you think, well, that might be a little fun.
And then as you get into it, you realize what an absolute hell it is.
I mean, she is the most, I don't want to be disrespectful and say she's like a
mail order bride, but she's not.
But let's be honest and say that if Donald Trump owned a plumbing company, if
he owned a plumbing company, he's not married to Melania Trump.
Probably right.
Or many of his other wives.
It's just what it is.
I'm not, I hope I'm not blowing anyone's brains with that information.
I still hope you believe in love out there.
I still hope that you believe in a connection, two soulmates, eyes longingly
meeting in a cafe.
I hope all of those things to you are still real.
But let me not, let me not mince words here.
There would be no way that Melania and Donald would be together if Donald didn't
have a little bit of a fortune.
He has a sizable fortune.
It makes him appealing.
A sizable fortune and the lifestyle can make someone appealing.
And now she's in the White House and she was brooding when she first got there.
She wasn't really happy.
She didn't like it.
She was like a dump.
They thought it was a dump.
You know, they said that she had to have the Obama's toilets removed.
She didn't like any, you know, she thought it was like a dump.
Because she wants to live, you know, in a gold palace, opulent.
You know, the White House is, I guess, kind of plain for them, you know?
Because they live like that because they love the poor.
Donald and Melania Trump have always had a deep affection for people that
worked in the coal mines in Pennsylvania and Ohio.
They love the Rust Belt.
That's what they're about, you know, forever.
And that's why they live in this opulent gold fortress on Fifth Avenue.
And that's why they didn't want to move to the White House.
Because they were like, this is a dump.
You don't want to move into this dump.
But she finally got there.
And they had a very, I think they were kidding around when they did Christmas
there.
I think that's what she's talking about in this leaked phone call.
Do we have that, by the way?
Yeah, I have it right here.
We're going to play Melania Trump's leaked phone call.
I feel bad for these people.
I often feel for billionaires.
I know that people say I shouldn't.
I often feel for the very rich.
Because you got to put yourself in their position.
They're very rich.
And all of this is just a bother.
Like the idea that the guy Jeffrey that was at your house,
now it's on the cover of paper that he's running a human trafficking ring.
It's like, this is annoying to me.
That's what being very rich feels like.
They're just annoyed all the time.
There's just little annoyances all the time.
Oh, that woman just slain that used to come to the house.
She used to have a couple of drinks.
It was kind of funny.
She was kind of funny.
Well, you're not going to believe this.
She's running a human trafficking ring for the Mossad.
And it's just there's small annoyances that you have.
You just get upset.
Like I get annoyed when, you know, the Wi-Fi at the Airbnb doesn't work.
And I go, this is annoying.
There's people get annoyed.
So I feel bad for Milani because poor Milani Trump's now in the White House,
which is a dump.
She's in the dumpy white.
It's not, let's be honest straight.
It's not that nice.
It's not that nice.
Real estate has moved on.
Watch Million Dollar Listing.
Watch Selling Sunset.
You can do better than the White House.
You can do better than a fucking old white plain house
that a bunch of school kids walk through.
Ugh.
A bunch of fat middle Americans taking tours every day.
Ugh.
No thank you.
So Milani is already pretty disgusted because she knows she's in the private
residence.
But when she wakes up every morning, she knows before COVID that there were
like gross people
on the other side of the house taking a tour.
And she's disgusted by that.
She's like, this is grotesque.
She goes, I didn't leave my country to come here to be with American people.
I came here to marry a billionaire and live like a bitch.
Now I got to do Christmas decorations and worry about kids in the cages.
So Milani is like, what the fuck's that about?
Milani goes, I know some women that went in cages.
It was the