Name: #224 - American Chainsaw Massacre | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-11-01T04:00:05.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#224 - American Chainsaw Massacre | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-01. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#224 - American Chainsaw Massacre | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-01. Transcript available.

#224 - American Chainsaw Massacre | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dylan show and happy halloween
uh we're here with uh chief vaping silence and he is the chief and he's it ben
is actually dressed
as a as a proud indian chief uh who was very pro colonist and there are this is
not written about
but many of the uh indian chiefs love the colonists and um ben is is dressed up
after
that chief who said our way of life is valid however progress is what it is and
you know
and he he started the uh it's uh the native america exit the native americs
exit the native americ exit
the native americsit were like blexit yeah candace ellen's you did blegsits you
did native amer it's
hard it's very difficult this is just something that we didn't use for a sketch
we bought it we had
it i threw it on is everyone ready for election day it's election day in america
board up the stores
and get a gun board up the stores and get a gun it's a healthy democracy we've
boarded up all the stores
all the glass that can be smashed is now behind wood that's how you know we're
doing good walmart has
stopped selling guns and ammunition but they're still selling liquor just booze
it up trump or biden
booze it up how spaghettios booze it up don't ask about your job don't ask
about your health insurance
don't ask why your kids are on drugs don't ask about the vaccine just put the
needle in your ass
don't question us and we won't have to kill you or make things so bad that you
kill yourself
what a week i did one of the biggest podcasts ever recorded and i sat next love
them or hate them i sat
next to one of the most fascinating people ever little zan and and that was
such a meaningful event
in my life to be part of that podcast to sit there and and and and and do some
time with a thinker
i am i am of course being silly the podcast i'm talking about was the one with
joe rogan and alex
jones maybe one of the best podcasts ever recorded not because of me i was
funny but what a great
podcast of course love or hate alex jones he's the most entertaining person on
the planet
um in terms of skill as a broadcaster he it's beyond anything i've ever seen up
close in person it's truly
amazing and i i had some really good funny moments and and joe did a great job
everyone's mad at the
fact checking it's like joe's got to do that because that's what makes a good
listening experience
even though some of you are angry at it and i get i understand what you're
saying but when joe's like
let's slow down and look at these things and alex ends up getting proven right
right that's literally
what differentiates that podcast from something where you let alex rant and
then the people go well
fuck that it's all wrong can't say that about this podcast because we have the
receipts and joe was like
going through every story with him so that was that was really interesting to
do and um
i'm happy i did it and then i'm back with joe and kyle kuklinski for the
election special
on november 2nd election day a lot of people have already voted more than half
of the country
has already voted or something like that is they could that be a real statistic
who are these people
doing early voting i think a large percentage of the electorate has already
cast a ballot it's
shocking to me so more than 80 million americans it looks like more than 80
million americans have
already voted in the presidential election and 50 million of those people have
boarded up their homes
and isn't that nice
i'm telling you this what a really i mean could anything be more of an omen
for this country than walmart stop they had to stop selling guns out of fear of
what's coming
could anything be more perfect than walmart saying you can't come on down here
to get
socks and ammunition you gotta relax walmart returns returns guns and ammo to
store floors
saying civil unrest was isolated oh so they did it for like two days and then
oh they're back
they're back what am i saying thank the lord walmart on friday said it's
returning guns and ammunition
to store floors describing incidents of what the retailer called civil unrest
in several of its
stores earlier this week has isolated hey that's only a few cities
only a few of our locations have been completely destroyed get the guns back
out
i like that attitude hey get the guns out what are you doing some you know some
guy walked into
walmart there's like a bunch of people carrying crates of ammunition some
manager goes hey what the
fuck's going on didn't you hear we got word from up top get the bullets back
out on the shelves
they go well i just spoke to someone in in the philadelphia store who just got
stamped to death
they said hey isolated incident dummy haven't you heard that person had
children that got trampled to
death it's isolated we don't expect it to happen here so put the guns back out
next to the waffle irons
and everybody get ready major cities are boarding up their storefronts just in
case people
have a little fun on election day major
preparation is underway for boarded up windows and increased security retailers
braced for the election
there's right is that rodeo drive oh yeah it is that's rodeo drive in sunny california
nordstrom
the high-end department store chain said it planned to board up some of its 350
stores
and higher extra security for election day tiffany and company the luxury jeweler
said that windows of select stores in key cities will be boarded up in
anticipation of potential
election related activity isn't that a fun way to say it well there is
potential election related
activity that could look like bricks through our windows in beverly hills the
police said they would
take a proactive approach and close rodeo drive a renowned strip of luxury
retailers on tuesday
and wednesday citing the likelihood of protest activity quote quote unquote
protest activity
the police working with private security companies cia massad mi6
said they would also be on full alert throughout beverly hills starting on halloween
and continuing
what is halloween going to be this year what is it going to be we've got
socially distanced trick-or-treating what are you going to be doing how are you
going to do this
what are the guidelines what is because covid's back baby i don't know if you
know this but covid's
back we're going to have to reschedule some of our comedy shows my fans are
going to get mad at me
here's why we're going to have to do that i don't know which ones yet here's
why comedy is fun when
they let people in the building you see it's kind of a requirement when they
decrease the amount of people
you can have in by hundreds of people you go this isn't fun i want to come back
when we're big and
we can do it big we've had great shows in dallas and fort worth and nashville
and west palm and tampa
phenomenal shows san antonio and those rooms have been packed i mean they've
been covid festivals
nobody's got a mask i mean it's been the good old days you know the good old
days of uh you know
me going up there killing for an hour and the people on youtube going i don't
whatever and you
the good old days but it's been great dan's opening for me has been killing we've
been having an amazing
time we can't do the meet and greets after people get mad at me they get angry
they're like stop that
why are you not and i can't because then the the rats and there are rats they
find these photos and go
he's doing meet and greets close this club down because they're miserable
people so i'm trying
to protect the interests of the club and myself i don't want to get sick more
importantly i don't
want a fan getting sick i don't want and i don't want the club having to deal
with bad press and
bullshit these places have not been open they're trying to make fucking money
but the problem with a
lot of these uh things now is that the cases are spiking so the clubs are
coming back and going okay
we're getting all these increased regulations and we're going to have to do a
certain percentage of
people that to me is not fun i'd rather wait a month or two and go back out on
the road it was my
rationale in the beginning i want comedy to be fun for everyone involved we've
got 90 000 corona cases
in 24 hours for the first time which is a record it's a resurgence of covet 19.
covet 19 is back
covet is back baby you just see bill and melinda gates like somebody's watching
me
you know it's like 90 000 cases just them and fauci just dancing in one of his
nine mansions
you know like 90 000 baby it's back baby with a vet now i don't know what this
thing is i don't know if
i've had it i've had it for 10 years i'm gonna get it i'm gonna die i don't
know what it is i've been
exposed to it probably i've been out we've been out i've been in clubs i mean
we've been careful i've
been in planes i put on masks i don't even know anymore no one knows it's just
back and it's big
it's bigger than ever it's coveted two it's a summer blockbuster covet is back
that's right
just in time for the holidays it'll be like a movie you know just in time for
the holidays covet is back and
better than ever national lampoons covet christmas i don't know what's gonna
happen
i'm just saying we're gonna have to move some of these dates to the under the
other end of whatever
this is hopefully it's february march we can kind of get into those markets and
and and play to rooms
full of people not a hundred people socially distanced in a room of 400 that to
me is not
fun and you know and i love everybody that buy tickets it's fucking we've had
an amazing time
west palm beach was some of the most fun i've had doing stand-up i mean drunk
monstrous crowds horrible
people like myself that's when i know i'm having fun when i go look in the
audience and i go these are bad
people and that's why they enjoy me because i'm a bad person and it works
sometimes i look at a
crowd and i go ah they're not going to want to laugh west palm's great the
ocean the mansions to human
trafficking in the middle of one of the shows i'm shitting on jislaine maxwell
she stood up and started a
wave and the whole room did it that's the type of i want that's the type of fun
i want you know
are kids allowed to trick-or-treat bring something up about that are they
allowed
if the kid shows up at my house trick-or-treating i am going to sit that youngster
down and tell them
about civic duty and say what is wrong with you don't you know 0.0001 percent
of people die of this
so we're on the cdc's website we're on the cdc's website here we go steps to
take when trick-or-treating
avoid direct contact with trick-or-treaters so if your son sees his friend make
sure they go nowhere
near each other trick-or-treating should be an isolated activity it should be
isolated and scary
give give out treats outdoors if possible isn't that always how it's been right
who's trick-or-treating
what pedophile is going you want candy come on in the living room isn't it
always an outdoor thing
isn't it always a doorstep thing it always is what weird epstein type is going
the real candies in the
kitchen set up a station with individually bagged treats for kids to take okay
that always works out
well some fatty goes and steals them all wash hands before handing treats and
finally wear a mask well
it's halloween that shouldn't be that hard make your cloth mask part of your
costume fun fun a costume
mask is not a substitute for a cloth mask mask should not be worn by children
under the age of two or
anyone who has trouble breathing wait a minute hold on hold on we're gonna let
a bunch of one-year-olds
not be masked up i think not stately six feet away from others who do not live
with you
and most people don't live with you use bring hand sanitizer with you and use
it after touching objects
or other people
parents supervise young children using hand sanitizer how great would it be if
a bunch of young
hooligans went out and instead of toilet papering cars and throwing eggs this
year just started blasting
hand sanitizer all over things how about this year instead of toilet paper y