Name: #227 - Sober Up | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-11-22T05:00:07.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#227 - Sober Up | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-22. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#227 - Sober Up | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-11-22. Transcript available.

#227 - Sober Up | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
No video this week.
We have had a succession of disasters
that have prevented us from recording in our usual studio.
We are sitting in my backyard in Palm Springs, California.
During the high season, which is apparently when everybody comes out here
to be in the desert during the winter.
I like it in the summer when nobody's here and it's 125 degrees.
Prevents people from getting too emotional.
Really keeps the riots at bay when it's 125 degrees.
But now it's cool and people are coming back out here.
All the desert rats are back out.
All the creatures.
I had the maid come in and the guy I usually use brought in a new maid,
her and her husband, who did what they call a deep COVID clean,
which nobody asked them to do.
This is not an urgent care.
It's my home.
The chemical smell of the deep COVID clean is such that I cannot sit in my home.
I don't know if I can sleep here.
But it is safe, apparently, from COVID.
Ben walked in and his eyes started watering.
His throat got scratchy.
Yep.
I mean, it is, it is, it is bleach.
Is it ammonia?
What is it?
It's Clorox, man.
It's that Clorox bleach.
The entire fucking house is completely.
So, of course, we got to go get candles.
And we went and got candles at CVS.
And the meth head at CVS is unhappy.
I asked her where the candles are.
She goes, well, we have Glade plug-ins.
I'm like, well, those aren't candles.
You know the difference.
Don't get an attitude with me.
I'm sorry the state took your child.
It's not my fault.
Candle.
Like you light with a lighter.
You know about lighters, don't you?
You know what lighters are.
You know how to light things on fire.
Candles.
So, finally, she's like yelling at us.
She's like, I told you it's in 23.
She's white, by the way.
So, if I do an accent that sounds black.
She was white.
We're talking meth.
Palm Springs meth.
White.
And she looked Irish, which wouldn't shock anyone.
And she was just like, the candles are on aisle 23.
I told you where they were.
And I'm like, listen.
We're here to get some holiday candles because my maid did a COVID clean and we
can't breathe.
You know about not breathing, right?
That's what the EMT says when they pick your lifeless body off your kitchen
floor.
You scumbag.
She's a rat pig.
And that's what we got out here in the high season.
We got degenerates.
Yeah.
Then we had to go to Dairy Queen because we worked ourselves up an appetite.
And then there's a problem in the Dairy Queen.
There's a guy in a pickup truck that stalled out screaming onion rings at the
top of his lungs,
not even in the general direction of the fucking, whatever they, what do you
even call that in a fast food thing?
The drive-through speaker box?
Yeah, whatever.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
He was the one car behind.
He's not even, and he's just yelling out of his window at the sky, onion rings.
Onion rings, get me onion rings.
The car in front of him, the guy's telling the woman every different kind of slushy
they have.
Every kind of slushy that's available at 11 p.m. at Dairy Queen in Cathedral
City, California.
Right next to the subway drive-through.
As Bill Hicks would say, if you need a point of reference.
Right next to the subway drive-through.
Because subway made the very smart decision of letting people get handed a foot-long
hero through a window
if they didn't want to get out of their car.
I mean, I can't breathe.
It's so fucked.
So don't complain about the sound quality.
Don't complain about there's no video.
Just fucking let it be.
Enjoy life.
It's a real, I feel like the last four years we've all been on drugs.
Trump is a drug for the people that love him and for the people that hate him.
He's been a drug.
Everybody's been hopped up on Trump.
The media, Hollywood, his supporters, everybody.
And now, the party's over.
And people are still acting like the party's still going on.
Like, you know when you used to get fucked up with people in high school and
they pretended they were more drunk than they were?
Yes, yes.
When you knew that they weren't that fucked up or when you would trip out with
somebody and they clearly had come down and they're like, I'm still up there,
man.
And it's like, no, you're not.
Get us in a car and drive us somewhere.
You're fine.
That's what Trump supporters, hardcore Trump supporters, are acting like right
now.
They're pretending they're still drunk at a party in high school.
They're like, dude, I'm fucked up.
Dude, we're going to win.
We're going to win, bro.
Fucking Georgia.
Dude.
I'm so fucking wrecked right now, bro.
Are you right?
It's like, you're not wrecked.
We know you're not wrecked.
You're not drunk anymore.
You're not even drunk.
You barely had anything to drink.
Right.
We saw you.
You're barely, barely drunk.
You can legally drive.
You just pretended to fall down.
You can legally drive.
And that's where we are right now in this great land.
We have people.
And then there's people even on the other side, like they're like, he'll never
go away.
He'll never leave.
It's like this shit's all going to end, dude.
COVID is going to end.
Trump is going to end.
And you have to accept the reality where those things are not running your life
anymore.
And I know that's depressing to many of you because even though you might have
loved or hated Trump, he was this sense of stability.
You're going to wake up.
The president was going to tweet something fucked up.
And then there was this plague outside that prevented you from doing anything.
Those things are going to come to an end.
We're at dinner the other night and people were like,
Trump's going to have this big media empire.
And I'm like, I'm going on record now.
And I could be wrong.
But I'm going record on record right now.
I don't think he will.
I don't think Trump's going to have a massive media empire.
It takes a ton of capital.
Can you give me a bottle of water from that?
Thank you.
I'm sorry.
I don't want to make you breathe in the fucking.
Ben's very sensitive.
I spent 10 years doing cocaine, so I can't really smell a ton.
But Ben's very like, I can't, I can't understand why they would do this with
the chemicals.
And I know I don't understand it either.
They were doing a deep COVID clean.
Because apparently they thought this was a fucking hospital.
This house is cleaner than a hospital right now.
This is cleaner than the ER.
Ben, the bottle of water is right there on the bar.
You don't need to get, just get the bottle of water on the bar, please.
And bring it out here.
I called the guy who sent the maids.
I'm like, dude, what the fuck?
I like this guy too.
But he sent this husband and wife couple, and they're a real fucking problem.
The regular maid, it's her birthday, so she went away for the weekend.
What was I saying before that?
You're talking about Trump.
He's not going to start a media empire.
Well, I mean, he might try.
You need a lot of capital to start a media empire.
People don't seem to realize that.
You need tons and tons of capital.
Right.
And I just don't think he's going to do it.
I could be wrong.
I might be wrong.
I just don't know.
Is he going to start a media empire?
People seemed very upset last night when I kind of were telling them, like,
this is ending.
The movie is ending.
They were like, no.
No, he's not going away.
One of the guys at the table goes, he's not going away.
He's going to have a media empire.
He's going to be bigger than ever.
I'm like, are you children?
This is like people in high school before they go to college going, dude, we're
still going to be best buds forever.
You're not.
You're probably not.
Maybe.
Statistically, you're not.
Some guy, you know, some guy says to his girlfriend, he's like, even though we're
going to different schools, we're still going to fucking love each other.
You're not.
It's over.
Have a few summer fucks.
And those are the tweets.
He's tweeting out right now.
That's a few summer fucks.
Because it's ending.
Things end.
And I think that this has been such a visceral experience for so many people.
It has been really, really impactful.
And they, their entire sense of reality is wrapped around this guy and people's
reaction to this guy.
That the idea of there not being a Donald Trump or it not being like this huge
fight every minute of every day, the drama, the excitement.
People are, this is like drug addicts coming down.
We're coming down.
We're being weaned off a drug that we've all been on for four years.
And somebody goes at the dinner last night to go, he's going to run again in
four years.
Are you people nuts?
How bad do you need this guy?
The oxygen.
Trump takes all the oxygen out of the room.
He's going to run again.
He's going to have a media empire and then he's going to run again.
He's not going anywhere.
Yeah, he's going to go somewhere.
He's going to die eventually.
Are you going to handle that?
Then somebody at the table goes, I think Ivanka will run.
There's just no thought that this is coming to an end.
Right.
Same thing with COVID.
It's coming to an end, folks.
Not tomorrow.
Not soon.
But eventually it's going to come to an end.
We're going to get a vaccine or there's going to be herd immunity and we're
going to move on.
And I know that that's terror.
People are like terrified of moving on from these two situations.
You talk to people, they don't like, they don't even like to hear that.
When I go, COVID, it's going to end.
They go, I don't know about that.
I'm like, do you not want it to end?
Are you invested in this being the reality forever?
Oh, I don't think it'll end.
I don't think so.
People go, people are going to wear masks forever.
Nothing will ever go back to normal.
No one will ever leave their house again.
This is just the way it fucking is.
I'm like, well, in many states, they're leaving their house now.
No, this won't end.
Trump's going to have a media empire.
We'll live in this reality forever.
And I'm like, I've been to rehab.
I've sobered up off drugs.
This is very similar to addict behavior in early sobriety.
Early sobriety is all about the idea that you're learning to let go of the
things and the people that you had built this life around as a drug addict,
needing this drug, the rituals, the people, the places, the things, all of that
have to change.
Early sobriety.
Later on, you get deeper into why you're a fucking addict and you go, fuck me.
I should go to a therapist.
I got to deal with shit.
But early sobriety is all about like, okay, I can't hang out with Bill anymore
because he's a problem.
So we're in early sobriety right now.
A lot of people are sobering up.
QAnon, it's a real rough time now.
I just hired a personal trainer.
I'm trying to get him into QAnon right now just to get him down a rabbit hole
so it doesn't fucking bother me.
But I just hired a trainer.
I've been told to hire a trainer forever and I just hired a fucking trainer and
I started trying to get him in the queue on the low.
I started texting him.
I'm like, hey man, have you heard about this?
He's like, yeah, I've been hearing something about that.
I'm like, why don't you start reading about that?
He's like, so what'd you eat today?
I'm like, why don't we talk a little bit about QAnon for a minute?
Let's just, let's just say there's bigger problems than what I had for
breakfast.
Let's just try to, let's just try to solve a few riddles that were posted on
the internet, sir.
Just before we get to the training session, let's talk a little bit about Q.
But the QAnon people, I mean, it's going, they're going to sober up like a cult.
It's a few years ago.
Like, yeah, man, I was, you know, they're going to do Netflix documentaries.
Like, you know, Leah Remini's talking about Scientology.
There's, and by the way, is that even interesting?
There's like 25 documentaries about people that used to be in Scientology.
Who gives a fuck?
Yeah, you thought you were an alien and made $10 million.
Why do we have to hear about it forever?
Are you people heroes?
I don't even understand.
I mean, didn't