Name: #229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-12-06T05:00:03.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-06. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-06. Transcript available.

#229 - Blankets and Bug Chasers | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I am Tim Dillon, comedian, member of the media,
and the father of Candace Owens' child.
And I did not announce that when she was on,
but I feel like it's time to come clean with you
and let you know that the child that Candace Owens will be having is mine.
Ben, by the way, a lot of people, not really, four,
were angry about Candace coming on the show.
And they said, I didn't push back enough, which I did,
but you know who did no pushback?
Ben.
Ben said nothing the entire interview.
He wasn't even on screen, okay?
And I don't platform anyone.
He runs the tech.
He chose to platform Candace Owens and say nothing.
Not one rebuttal.
I thought he booked Megan Thee Stallion.
I was shocked that Candace Owens was on the show.
I apologize.
It was very tough to hear for many people.
My aunt, who is a liberal, heard the episode.
And you know what she did?
What?
Shot herself.
She shot herself in the face after she heard the episode.
And I feel, so what was that thing on the Legion of Skank subreddit you read
about my stepmother?
Oh, supposedly.
It's like folklore on that subreddit that someone showed up to your stepmother's
house and said,
hi, I'm a fan of Tim Dillon.
And she got really mad.
And what did they get for that clout?
I think that's clout, yeah.
Hey, if you want, that's clout?
Saying I'm a fan of Tim Dillon.
If you want clout, kill her.
You want real clout?
Kill her.
I'm kidding.
It's the holidays.
It's the holidays in LA and the decorations are out and you can't see them.
And if you try to see them, you'll be in jail.
I don't know why we've even put the decorations up this year.
Let's skip it.
Let's skip it.
If you drive down Sunset Boulevard to West Hollywood, there are actually
decorations and no people.
It is such a haunting scene.
And then there's all these lines of COVID tests.
Everybody's getting tested for COVID in their car.
It looks like in and out, but everybody's getting a Q-tip up the nose to see if
they have SARS-CoV-2, the coronavirus.
What a shitty way to spend a day.
You know?
Man.
I was watching that Comedy Store documentary.
The other day.
And on Showtime.
And there are parts of it that are well done.
And then there are parts of it where you go, huh.
So the episode I watched last night, they get Whitney, Rogan, Burr, Leno, Annie
Letterman.
And they all take COVID tests.
They all have masks on.
And they take COVID tests.
And then they sit down.
And Mike Binder, who did the documentary, by the way, it's like about him.
It's like about him.
Yeah.
It's like, what's going on?
He's like, yeah, it's mostly about my journey with splashes of Kinison here and
there.
A little prior.
But more me.
They're all sitting outside.
And I'm not bitter that I'm not in it.
I've seen it now.
And now I'm like, I kind of like that I'm not in it.
But I got passed at the comp.
Don't be nervous.
I got passed at the comedy.
I don't care if I ever do this again for a living.
I truly don't.
I truly, truly don't.
I was passed at the comedy store about, which I love.
I love the store.
I was passed like a few weeks after this happened.
You know, after the whole thing was shot with the majority of it.
But they shot a scene where everybody gets COVID tested.
And so apparently it's in the midst of a pandemic.
And then Mike Binder looks at everybody and goes, what's going on with PC
culture?
And I'm like, what in the fuck are you talking about?
The biggest event, a seismic event, an asteroid that hit live performance
harder than anything.
This guy's going, what do you think about PC culture?
And then there's comedians.
By the way, everyone in that documentary is like 75.
I got to be honest.
I got to be honest.
You start looking around, you're going, I don't know.
It doesn't feel that hot.
Stand-up don't feel that hot right now.
It's like it's all like elderly people telling you, well, when I was a youth,
Richard Pye.
It's like, it's not it.
And I love stand-up and I love doing it and I'll keep doing it.
But part of the reason why I like it is it is a dead art.
Okay.
And that documentary, I mean, Christ.
It's just, it's a museum.
It's a mausoleum in there.
I mean, it's a mausoleum.
I mean, I was watching it with a friend who's a fan of everybody and they're
like, here's the question.
I love comedy and comics are more talented inherently than TikTok people.
But is a documentary about the TikTok kids more interesting?
Yes.
Is, and I like that you didn't hesitate, is a documentary about the kids on
TikTok more interesting than somebody being like, it's just a joke.
No one cares about PC.
Guys, it's not even real.
I had Candace on, nobody's, people were mad at me, but nobody's trying to
cancel me.
It doesn't, it's over.
No one cares.
And it's still like this narrative that people keep bringing up.
It makes stand-ups look weak.
You look weak when you whine.
Just say it and step back.
When I was fighting with people on Twitter about the Candace Owens thing, I was
fighting because I had a point.
I had a point and they had a point.
They, whatever their point was, whatever my point was.
But I don't care that you're mad.
I knew you were going to be mad when we had her on the show.
That's part of the fun.
You see?
I'm not bringing on a history teacher who no one knows or cares about.
I'm bringing on a woman who's going to ruffle a few feathers.
I get, so this whining weak piece, it's just got, it's every podcast has been
about this and only this.
So I watched it for a few minutes.
And then I had to turn that off.
It's a joke.
You got Jay Leno up there being like, it's a joke.
What are we doing?
What's going on here?
Who cares?
I don't care.
Enough with the legends.
Enough with the legends.
Don't you want to kill these people?
Do these people die?
Do they ever go away?
Half of these motherfuckers have not been funny in forever.
Forever.
And we all have to sit there like they're fucking Christ.
They climb down off the cross and we got to wash their feet.
And it's enough is enough already.
And I respect them.
And, you know, I respect, I respect the roads they paved so that I may have
drive down them.
But we got to be funny here.
Doesn't everyone remember that?
We got to be a little funny.
We can't just sit around on a trillion dollars.
They should make chairs made of money when they ask these people's opinion.
They should have to sit in a chair of money and go, it's a joke, it's a PC
culture.
They just have to take the money out of their banking and make a couch of it.
And we're making money.
We're not shitting on people that make money.
But it's like, it's a pandemic.
There's all this shit to talk about.
Nobody cares about PC culture.
Nobody gives a shit.
Enough.
Pipe down.
Go down to the Comedy Magic Club.
Tell everybody, you know, tell everybody that.
The PC culture.
You can wade through an anti-mask protest on the way in there, down in Hermosa
Beach.
The LA lockdown's confusing, because you're not supposed to leave your house,
but the McRib is back.
It's odd.
It's a strange thing.
Go down and let's see what we can do and what we can't do, because I don't even
know.
Non-essential travel of any kind is banned.
That word essential is a very subjective word.
Closure of all on-site restaurants, though takeout delivery remains open.
Personal services, hair salines, barbershops are closed.
Essential retail open.
Okay.
Parks and beaches remain open for activities, but no gatherings.
Go alone.
Schools following protocols can remain open if they have a state waiver.
People are like, the lockdown's not going to do enough.
It's not severe enough.
What do you want, the tanks in the street?
So there are several exemptions.
Faith-based outdoor services and the homeless.
I don't even know what that means.
By the way, this is not the new studio.
The new studio is being built.
Yes.
It's going to be very exciting.
You're going to love it.
It's going to be great.
This made me laugh the other day.
Get this up.
Josh Richards, who's a TikTok kid, we like because he's industrious, is handing
out blankets to the homeless.
And I think he's an investor in the blanket company where he's handing out
blankets to the homeless.
And that's kind of funny.
Can we play this?
Can we play this?
I mean, I don't think we can.
Can we?
Without volume, I think we can.
Because there's probably music in this.
Let me see.
See, we have a plan.
I think Gavin Newsom's doing a great job.
What's the plan?
It's the plan right here.
The TikTok kids are giving blankets to the homeless people.
Is that not a plan?
I think it's great.
Now, go find out if he owns, I think he owns a part of the blanket company.
I think he said on his Twitter, which is great, because as you're giving the
blankets to the homeless, you're kind of also selling them and going, hey, if
you scratch a few dollars together, you might want to think about purchasing
one of these.
You might want to think about getting involved, but this seems like a great
plan.
Remember when I joked around?
This is why I should never joke, because everything I say comes true.
Remember when I said, this was months ago, that if you were fucked during this
economy, you couldn't rely on the government, you had to hope that David Dobrik
shot you with a potato gun?
Or that Jeffree Star decided to put $5,000 in your account on Venmo?
Remember when I said that you were only going to be relying on influencers?
I said that, and I said it as a bit, it is now a reality.
If you are homeless in Los Angeles, hopefully your needs dovetail with an
influencer's publicity campaign.
Hopefully you get chosen to be one of the people handed out a product.
That's all you got now.
Good luck.
Good luck getting anybody else interested.
These guys are walking around handing out, he goes like this.
This is like the funniest.
I mean, I just, folks, you got to laugh.
And this kid, like, I don't hate the kid at all, but I would do shit like, like
if I was him, I'm not going to be him, but if I was him, I would do shit like
this.
He's like, he goes, I am pleased to announce that I am joining Unhide, whatever
that means, as co-creative director, as an investor and a partner in the
company I believe will change the world.
I hope through my actions I can expire Generation Z to take on the issue of
animal efficacy, right?
And join me in my mission to create a national conversation about it.
So what is that, the blanket company?
Yeah, I believe so.
And what is the blanket company?
So I think they don't use animal fur, like they don't, so it's awesome.
Well, that's what the homeless are concerned about.
Here's a blanket and there were no animals made.
The homeless are like, can you get some animals and cook them and bring them to
me?
Oh, folks, folks, it doesn't get better than this, huh?
It doesn't get better.
This is Ellen DeGeneres' faux fur brand.
This is Ellen DeGeneres' faux fur brand.
So you know what it is.
It is not made out of animal products.
It's made from the hair of her interns, which she plucks out one by one when
they're late.
So Ellen DeGeneres, who's, as we've covered, runs an Abu Ghraib-style torture
prison at her show,
is now making blankets out of her intern's body hair,
which are being handed out to homeless people by Josh Richards and the TikTok
kids.
That's what I'm hearing.
And I'm for it.
I'm not against any part of it.
Every mechanism there, I think, is working the way it should work.
If I was homeless and I saw two kids in beanies, cool little young kids come up
to me,
and gave me a blanket and they said, by the way, this is no animals used.
But, hey, here's a gift from Ellen.
I'd say thank you.
Here's a gift from Ellen.
So that's the L.A. homelessness thing here.
Don't worry about it.
I hope everybody is as excited about this as I am in this city, this rapidly crumbling
metropolis.
Magic spoon on my spoon.
Magic spoon on my spoon.
Magic spoon on my spoon.
I'm delirious.
Magic spoon on my spoon.
Magic spoon is a cereal.
Will you pay attention?
Magic spoon is a c