Name: #230 - The Pit | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-12-13T05:00:16.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#230 - The Pit | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-13. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#230 - The Pit | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-13. Transcript available.

#230 - The Pit | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I'm sitting here with my producer, the great Ben Avery.
He sat in traffic for four hours to get here.
That is called dedication.
That is called dedication, getting it done, making it happen.
This guy drives hours.
I went out to dinner with another comic who goes,
how does Ben do it?
And I meant, what, dealing with me?
No, he goes, you know, the traveling.
And I said, well, it's his job.
Now, this other comic inherited a lot of money and bought a house.
And there's nothing wrong with that.
There's nothing wrong with that.
But I said, it's his job.
He does his job.
Have you heard of a job?
I went to dinner with him and the girlfriend,
and they leave the masks on the whole time.
And she works in children's television.
And I say this.
I said, this town is full of sick people, huh?
She goes, no, I don't think the people that work in children's television
She goes, they're some of the best people I've ever met.
Is there anybody worse than someone who likes their job?
If you really love your job, I make a lot of money doing this,
and I'm lucky to do it.
And I don't even like this.
So if you really like your fucking job, can you get up and get out of here?
Life is too short for positive people.
I'm telling you that right now.
If they're around you, get them out.
If you are sitting right now with someone who is smiling at you
and telling you that everything is possible,
kick them to the curb.
They are dangerous like a rattlesnake.
And I know that we've gotten that wrong somehow.
We've got to flip the script on that.
I'm just saying.
Candace Owens and Ben Shapiro today are all upset
because a boy band member wore a dress on Rolling Stone.
Okay?
And Candace Owens is going,
they're trying to kill traditional masculinity.
Here's the deal with that.
Okay?
Number one,
is there a real danger of men in this country
going to buy gowns that were on the cover of Vogue magazine?
If you put a gun in my mother's mouth,
I could not even figure out how to buy the Game of Thrones frock
that Harry Styles was wearing on the cover of Vogue.
Do you think anybody in this country is going to start wearing this?
Hey, honey, I'm sick of being a man.
I'm going to go buy a vintage Dior gown and wear it around.
I'm sick of my cock.
I'm sick of protecting you and bringing home the bacon,
even though I haven't done that because I haven't had a job
because nobody gives a shit about that.
And I know you need insulin, but that's okay, honey.
Just hold it down on the donuts for a little bit
because we can't afford that.
But I feel like I'm in a prison of my masculinity.
So what I want to do is go buy a designer gown
and walk around the house like I'm Cersei from Game of Thrones.
Is there a real danger?
Is that happening?
Is that happening out there?
No one can afford the gown, Ben, Candace.
Nobody can afford the designer clothes.
Nobody can afford to break out of the prison.
People are shopping at Walmart,
and the clothes at Walmart are pretty.
They're not experimental.
They're pretty.
They're men, women, and children, which no one can afford.
Those are the clothes at Walmart.
I'm sick of masculinity.
I want to buy an Oscar de la Renta gown right off the runway,
and I'm going to wear it in my truck,
even though there's not really going to be that job anymore
because they're going to have self-driving trucks soon.
So I guess I'll just wear it around the park where we'll soon live.
Can we focus on any of the real problems?
Can we focus on any of the problems at all?
We're talking about, by the way, is that masculine?
Debating?
If my grandfather was alive,
he would not be talking about Harry Styles
and what Harry Styles was wearing on the cover of fucking Rolling Stone or Vogue.
I think it was Vogue, right?
The internet's not loading out here.
The internet doesn't work, folks.
Everything I say is the truth.
We don't need the internet.
Who needs to verify?
Is he going to verify like Twitter when Trump goes, I won?
And by the way, is there anything better than that?
Is there anything funnier than every 15 minutes Trump tweeting,
by the way, I'm not going anywhere.
I know that you think you had an election,
but I got to be honest, I won that,
and I won't be leaving.
So the media, and I mean, I'm not saying it's right,
but just pure funny.
Nothing is funnier than him going,
by the way, I know the media thinks
there's some definitive answer here,
but I'm good.
I'm good right where I am.
And it's what everyone said he would do.
He's doing it.
He's doing what everyone said he would do,
which is just sit in that office and tweet.
At the end, you always go back to the box.
Go back to Twitter.
That's where it all ends.
It begins on Twitter, and it ends on Twitter.
That's how powerful technology is.
You could be the president of the United States.
He tried to bomb Iran this week, supposedly.
I don't know if that's true or not.
I think they leaked the thing he asked a general.
He goes, by the way, can we bomb Iran?
They go, just go back to Twitter.
Just go back to Twitter.
You could control a nuclear arsenal,
and it's still not going to be as powerful as Twitter.
Just go back to the box, type a few letters.
Get it off your chest.
We don't need to bomb the nuclear reactors in Iran.
We don't need to bomb Iran right now
when you've got two months left,
and the best thing that people could say about you
is that you were not a warmonger.
Let's not ruin that.
Do a full withdrawal of the Middle East.
Get real gangster.
Get everyone home.
Tell everyone they're coming home.
And there are some people that think he's doing that,
like on the internet, I'll read.
People are like, well,
Trump is trying to fire people at the Defense Department
because he wants to end the Afghan war,
and I'm like, fuck yeah, man.
Now, that's not going to happen,
but hey, let's do that.
If we're going to do something,
and the choices are bomb Iran
or end the Afghan war,
let's end the Afghan war
that we've been in for 20-plus years
for lithium ion.
I mean, it's just funny.
It's just funny that in the midst of this,
we've got a lockdown coming again.
I'm so mad about this lockdown.
I'm so depressed.
I can't do another lockdown.
We've grown.
This show has grown tremendously.
We've made a lot of fun shit.
We've had a lot of great episodes here,
but I'm running out of stuff to talk about.
I need to leave my fucking house.
I need to get out there
and have experiences with human beings,
and I just, this lockdown, this draconian,
I mean, the news every day now is like,
every news article now is like,
everyone you know has COVID.
That's the article.
They're like, everyone you know has COVID
and every nurse you knew has killed herself.
How do you feel?
What?
Did you go out the other night and have meatloaf?
Yeah.
Well, there's nurses hanging themselves now.
Why?
Because you had a meatloaf.
I had it in a parking lot.
Doesn't matter.
You knew the risks,
and now everyone has COVID
and all the nurses are killing themselves
in front of their children.
What?
But it's their job.
I mean, shouldn't they just go to work?
People are being,
there's one thing where they go like this,
they go,
they're putting,
and there's a hospital in El Paso, Texas,
where a nurse goes,
we have a room called the pit
where we let all the COVID patients die.
I'm like, why is that happening?
Why are we doing that?
Why is that allowed?
Everybody's like,
I feel so bad.
Have you read the article about the pit?
And I'm like,
I want to know why there is a pit.
Why are we putting people in a pit?
Can anyone explain that?
You went out in that tuna tartare,
and now they're throwing human beings
in the pit in El Paso.
What?
I don't want that.
I'm losing it, folks.
I'm losing it.
I just took Ben to a Bentley dealership.
I don't have the money to buy a Bentley.
Those cars are $300,000.
Thank God.
And I don't have credit.
I can't do anything,
but we just walked around a Bentley dealership.
Thank God it was closed.
But I'm losing my mind here
because I want to buy a Bentley
and drive it through the ER at Cedars-Sinai.
I want to drive my Bentley through the pit.
Give everybody a glimpse of a nice car before the end.
It's tragic.
I know this shit's real.
It's fucking hard.
It's horrible reading these stories.
People FaceTiming their loved ones at the end.
How horrible is that?
FaceTime doesn't even work.
You got your last words
and they're freezing?
You're trying to connect to the Wi-Fi.
You're trying to connect.
Hey, can you connect me to the Wi-Fi in the pit?
The Wi-Fi in the pit is not good.
I'm trying to talk to my mother.
Mom!
I'm in the pit.
You shouldn't have gone out to dinner last night,
you selfish cunt.
What?
I froze.
I said cunt.
I called you a cunt.
I mean, what are we doing here?
Oh, man.
It's tragic and it's real.
It's horrible.
Yeah.
It's so sad.
People, they got to go on FaceTime
to say goodbye to their fucking families.
Let the family in.
If I go from COVID,
I want my family in that room getting sick with me.
No FaceTime.
I want my boomer father to walk in there maskless
and get sick.
I'm having a party in two days.
I feel like an idiot.
It's going to be outside,
but that doesn't fucking matter.
You know?
I think people are going to try to social distance.
I mean, if the Nelk boys come,
I don't know how much social distancing there's going to be.
They're just going to go around
and lick people's faces like the Bushwhackers.
Remember the Bushwhackers,
that tag team in WWF?
What my listeners do.
And they would grab your face and lick you
when you were just there.
And it was great.
And that's what the Nelk kids are going to do.
Steve will do it.
He's going to run around licking people's faces
if they come.
I just don't know.
I'm trying to laugh.
And all the news,
it's so bad.
I don't even know what's good.
Now, my friend Vanessa,
I'm the godfather to her child.
I'm like,
is the COVID that bad?
She's like,
not really,
but she's a sociopath.
I mean,
she's a nurse,
but she's like nurse ratchet.
You know,
she goes,
I got to go to work tomorrow
and I hate the liver patients.
I'm like,
what?
She goes,
I hate them.
She goes,
when a heroin addict gets a new liver,
they're real,
she goes,
they're real paranoid and anxious
and they're not fun to deal with.
I'm like,
why are we giving heroin addicts new livers?
I'm confused about everything.
I just need to buy a Bentley.
I just need to buy a gown on the cover of Vogue
to break out of the,
I don't like being a man no more.
Well,
you buy a muumuu like the rest of us
because we're broke.
I only want a gown like Harris Stiles is wearing.
I wear Lane Bryant,
Tom.
We have nothing in this house.
I have three pairs of jeans
and they're all elastic band.
I have three dresses
and the last one I wore
was when we had to go to court for your accident.
I want,
I want a Christian Dior gal.
What is wrong with these people?
Scandace sounds like these people
are out of their minds.
They're like,
they're destroying masculinity.
How about they're destroying masculinity
by no one has a job?
How about that?
How about they're destroying masculinity
by no one can go to work?
They're not destroying masculinity
because there's a dude in Ohio right now
that's like,
I want to get Gucci fucking Croc sandals
and walk around in a caftan
and wear big fucking Chanel sunglasses
and Palm Springs.
Destroying masculinity,
nobody can provide for their family.
That used to be masculinity,
providing for your family.
I just love a guy
like literally sitting there
with his wife and going,
I don't feel,
I feel like I'm in a prison of gender.
And she goes,
I understand that,
but you can't afford
to go buy a gown
that this boy band member
wore on the cover of Vogue.
It's expensive.
John,
it's very expensive.
And he's like,
you don't understand.
My whole life,
I felt like one thing
and I was another thing.
She goes,
I don't care what you fucking feel like,
but you go to pay less
and get some pumps
and you go to fucking
get a cheap dress
from the Goodwill
