Name: #231 - Giuliani And The River of Gold | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2020-12-20T05:00:00.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#231 - Giuliani And The River of Gold | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-20. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#231 - Giuliani And The River of Gold | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2020-12-20. Transcript available.

#231 - Giuliani And The River of Gold | The Tim Dillon Show

ladies and gentlemen welcome to the tim dillon show we are live from an undisclosed
location
in brooklyn new york and we have a special guest i don't know how we got him it's
so tough to get
people now because of covid can't get anything go to williamsonoma you try to
get a pan they don't
have it in the store you got to order it online can't get any furniture can't
get any clothing
everything's backed up because of covid the same thing with podcast guests they're
very very tough
to get right now but we have pulled every string i i went to my people at caa i
went to everybody i
went to every connection i knew i twisted every arm i greased every palm and
finally finally uh it it
came through uh we're very excited to have this man on the show uh ray kump
hello thank you for having
me thank you it was a process yeah no look i mean when i when i found out from
my agent that you
wanted to be on the show um it took a moment to register oh right and yeah look
we're old friends
so why not yeah i have a lot going on we're old friends we're old friends so
listen to this my agent
calls me today he goes like this listen to this right anybody who's not in this
business and by the
way if you're not good don't be and don't try to get into it but uh anyone who's
not in the business
isn't familiar with how in many not in all cases but in many cases agents in
matt they're just
becoming useless so they don't really call you anymore with like you know you
like actionable
intelligence you know they always say like things that can actually help your
career they call you with
things that they disguise as opportunities so listen to this my agent calls me
a few hours
ago and goes like this he goes hey man how are you he's like i got ryan on the
phone too some other
guy he's like that's me and ryan on the phone now i just auditioned for curb i
thought like they were
telling me i got curb but i was like oh great i'm so excited you know like i
got ryan on the phone
they're like all right so we just want to go through a couple opportunities if
that's okay with you
i'm like oh yeah baby i'm i'm in let's do it i'm ready i love the show you know
and
so the other day uh we were talking uh apparently lakeith stanfeld seen you on
rogan and he thinks
you're really funny now uh there's there's probably nothing really to do but
maybe you want to write
something with that in mind am i supposed to know who that is he he's the guy
from what ben yeah i'm
sorry to bother you he's an established guy okay cool but they go like this
they go maybe you want
to write something with that in mind i'm like you want me to write a buddy cop
film for me and lakeith
stanfeld i'm like what are you saying here so he's a fan is he a fan of the
show he just saw me
on rogan and thought i was funny it's like dude that's so that's millions of
people this is like the
friend who's like you know you you go past a girl you want the girl your pen in
high school
and she's like thanks and then your other friend when he walks away goes like
you should try to
fuck her yeah right but it's exactly right then they go like this they go and
there's a guy at
danny mcbride's company not danny mcbride there's a guy at danny mcbride's
company who works in the
documentary division who's also a fan of you and he said to us i don't think
there's anything to do
right now with him but we really like him and i go what is and they go so we
just want to like set
some time next week to go over some more of these opportunities i'm like they're
not opportunities i
want you to understand something tim uh this is one of those moments when you
have to iron is hot you
got to strike okay there's no there's no time to wiggle waggle about this tom hanks
his janitor
it's signed up for your patreon yeah that's literally what it is it's like
these are not
opportunities at all they have nothing to do it look i i've never understood uh
that side of the
business and they understood me uh right yeah but uh look it's like calling me
going listen so sharon
stone is drinking heavily she's into q anon and thinks you're great we don't
know if there's anything
there yet but we just think we should explore it later on it's like this is
like saying look look
all right well let me hear something um kevin spacey he's just lost custody of
his children
this is a big opportunity like this is people spiraling it's not it's an
opportunity it's people
who's on the career down and you're seeing you on the way down it's it's it's
one of our favorite
phrases really it's less than nothing you know what i mean it's absolute to
call someone and just
say hey somebody famous thinks you're funny i'm like a lot of people do who
cares unless there's
something to be done that was like eight years ago when you got excited about
that yeah it was like
yeah i'm like dude i got bills to pay i want to there's things i want to do
that it requires money
like creatively it would be one thing if they were like hey uh you know they've
got a real great idea
why don't you hear him out or they think you could be plugged into something or
there's something going
on but to just say hey they saw you on rogan and they think you're funny and
they want to i don't
think they said like he said if he wants to talk to me which i'm like great
right like i'm like i'll
talk to anyone right that's what i do i think it'd be so funny if like i sit
down with them and he's
like hey man why do you put candace on this i'm like oh this is this is what we
had to get caa
involved just tweet at me like everyone else to go myself he's like i think ken's
had a lot of great
i can't say that yeah he's like i want to thank you for exposing me to candace
owens who i now love
um so it's just we're at a point now where it's like the level of insanity you
get to the point i was
kind of a dick to them on the phone right they were like we want to set a time
to talk about some
opportunities i said if we have real opportunities and not like some crazy idea
like some crazy like
non-specific hey why don't you write a pilot for you and lakeith stanfeld you
know on spec it's like
yeah guys if there's real opportunities let's discuss because the reality is it's
like there's
you don't start writing the pilot you this is what you i was going from your
thing until like the money's
changed hands the whole thing is that this is it in lieu of there's just no
good news right which is
fine right because there hasn't been any in years just call with that like i'd
respect that just call
and go so you didn't so the role i auditioned for in curb was like a plumber
they go they're going
another way they're going another way on that i'm like of course they are also
i don't know if a casting
director is going to look at my twitter and go yeah this guy was on a podcast
with alex jones yeah
candace owens on we don't want to we don't need that smoke we don't need that
heat who needs
that smoke what is there's no other fat guy to play a plumber we're going to
get this guy for what
you know so i don't know i just have no i would respect that if they were like
listen there's just
nothing going on it's just like when i used to work retail and some cameras and
like when it was slow
the boss would be like i don't want you to go through all the old sales to bill
you sold cameras
to a couple years ago and try to summon another camera it's just such a crazy
idea because i know
sales and i know that like when you have somebody that's a mortgage it's like
maybe the mortgage is
going to like adjust or maybe circumstances have changed it's such a cult
nothing could be a colder
sale than calling a guy that bought a camera three years ago you know you're
like hey how's that how's
that do it how's that nikon do it do that thing i sold you break yet how are
you feeling you want to
re-up why don't you come down to the store we got some new models how's that
canon treating you good
it's just let me be honest with you i got coke problem yeah
i gotta be real honest with you i need 70 dollars which is the commission on
this 8 000 camera that i sell
you i will make 70 and i need it or i'm gonna get my head busted in when i walk
out of here so please
come down here and look at these cameras
it's so crazy and i think these agents are all usually rich kids because who
would ever get into
the business of selling clowns no one that needed money there's no like what's
the kind of thing also
uh where like it's one of those jobs where you could be float like you need
someone to float you for a
while because they don't make money the first few years no they're they're like
uh you know they work
on somebody's desk yeah you know their parents are just happy they're not you
know like you know in
jail so they're like usually it's the black sheep of a wealthier family where
it's like my brother it was
at johns hopkins medical center you know my sister works at a big ad agency my
other brother works at
goldman and i work at wme because i i you know obviously i'm not going to be a
tour guide like
tim dylan my aunt by the way she sent me like little presents which is nice
aunt donna yeah she
sends me a a present for my christmas tree and it was the the greyhound tour
bus from new york city
and it just kind of rubbed me a weird way like she's trying to take the piss
yeah it's almost
like don't forget who you are yeah that's exactly what it felt like that's what
it felt like it's
just a double decker bus like basically when i think of you i don't think of a
range rover i think of
a dirty bus yeah you can run as far as you can run as fast and as far as you
want but when you look
back you're gonna be smelling bus fumes big that's what it felt like i'm like
why would i it's like
giving a recovering heroin addict an ornament of a needle you know like you put
this syringe on the
tree only once yeah only ever one step away yeah yeah it was just such a weird
game well she you
you've always i i look she's very nice to me when i see her but you i've always
observed a certain level
of uh but when the kids say salt she likes me she likes she just remembers when
i was a drug addict
sure she puts a little salt on it yeah she remembers when i was a drug addict
and it's like you know
what do you want me to do yeah you know you gotta go back and i'm sorry i stole
from your house
i didn't never stole my mouth but i was like i think it's just the idea that
like she's like
you know trying to do the right thing it's not it was nice that she sent the
ornament i just i go i
say to myself i go wait a minute right she also sent me a conspiracy board game
and i was like
what the is this what and what what has this worked this game do you even look
at it i didn't even look
at it it was just a conspiracy board game and i'm like is this what we're doing
how about no presence
was it just like a mr potato head but it's kennedy yeah you just keep hitting
it i don't know what it
is but it's just like oh it's a fun like conspiracy board and it's like that's
not what we're doing here
david dobrik by the way we talked about this talk about puzzles and games david
dobrik came up with
a game called a hundred thousand dollar puzzle he sold 17 000 of them in an
hour and people that buy
the game can win up to a hundred thousand dollars he didn't sell board he's he's
selling gambling
he's just selling lotto tickets what is this you made a great point he really
is like the willy
wonka for poor people come with me and you'll see i mean like give like i'll
give you was he
give them porsches or something he shows up with lambos occasionally yeah look
i don't even know if
he is a good guy yeah here's the thing it's the last thing you want to give to
someone who isn't
financially stable and like financially literate with money like like someone
who's actually like in the
grips of poverty there's things you have to work really serious tax
implications yeah do you think
they let them keep the cars like right after the cameras are off somebody comes
in and takes th