Name: #233 - Airbnb War | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-01-03T05:00:13.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#233 - Airbnb War | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-03. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#233 - Airbnb War | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-03. Transcript available.

#233 - Airbnb War | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show.
I feel I have 104 fever.
I have a dry cough.
I have shortness of breath.
I have blood clotting.
And I refuse to get tested.
And I refuse to change my behavior.
And I don't know if I have COVID.
But I have a dry cough.
And I have blood clots.
And I have tightness of chest and shortness of breath.
And I have 104 fever.
And I have blue toes.
And I'm speaking perfect Mandarin, which is amazing.
I wake up every day.
I speak perfect Mandarin.
I don't know what I have.
The jury is out.
No, I'm kidding.
I do feel horrible, though.
Because Ray has been here for a week.
And, I mean, this has been...
This week, I've been so...
I've treated myself worse this week.
It is ballsy in a pandemic.
People don't realize what balls is anymore in this country.
It's ballsy during a pandemic to eat ice cream cake and smoke a pack of
cigarettes every day.
It's ballsy.
There is no ER, like, OR, whatever.
The ICU.
I don't even know what these...
But no one...
There's no capacity.
If you show up to a hospital in California now, they just smack you across the
face.
And every day, I'm eating ice cream cake and cigarettes, because Raymond is
here.
And, I mean, it's just a celebration.
You know?
He drinks...
What is that?
A liter of...
What is that?
A two liter of the diet sodas.
Like, three times a day.
Diet Cokes.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Well...
And he loves the Ciggies.
Loves them.
And it's hard.
It's hard.
I got...
We went to Cold Stone and got two ice cream cakes for New Year's.
After the New Year's thing we did.
A lot of fun, thanks to Tina Forty.
Alex was dark.
It was dark.
Some people commented.
It was a little dark.
You know?
He said the vaccine had jellyfish in it.
I don't know.
People are going to get mad.
You should have pushed back.
You didn't debate them.
Yeah, man.
I don't know.
I don't know how to have that argument.
Imagine you were sitting there and a guy turns around and he goes,
that vaccine's got jellyfish in it.
Really, the only thing you can say is, fuck, really?
Is that...
Is that...
Okay.
And then he started talking about the Lazarus gene
and a woman whose cells kept replicating.
Henrietta Lacks, yeah.
Henrietta Lacks.
A black woman who was eaten by the blob, he was saying.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, her cells turned into, like, her cells are still alive.
Yeah.
But this has something to do with Fauci.
Yeah.
I was confused.
But I don't know anymore.
I just don't know.
I just know that I got to really stop eating ice cream cake
and smoking butts every day.
I mean, just, I burnt my mouth.
My mouth feels horrible.
My skin feels like it's cracking off my face.
I mean, it's just bad.
I just feel so unhealthy.
And that's why I'm making a change this year.
I'm making a very big change, and I'm switching to ultralights.
I'm going to do a pack of, no, I'm kidding.
My friend's father used to smoke those.
Marlboro ultralights.
It was like air.
Yeah, yeah.
What's the point?
You know?
They're like basics, yeah.
I just feel like garbage.
And I mean, do they still make them?
I don't think so.
Do they still make the ultralight?
I don't think so, no.
Yeah, it's an old school pack.
I'm getting a personal trainer in here.
I mean, my personal trainer got COVID.
That's his level of commitment.
That guy got COVID.
I hired a trainer.
He got COVID.
So this is where we're at.
My personal trainer is sick.
What am I supposed to do except go to Cold Stone
and get two ice cream cakes and a pack of Marlboro Lights
and eat ice cream cake and Marlboro Lights in the back?
And that's real ball.
That's badass shit.
People think badass shit is throwing parties.
I'm taking as many chances as any of these TikTokers
throwing a big orgy.
I'm sitting in my backyard smoking cigarettes
with my morbidly obese friend.
Who's what?
Is he four, five?
Four or something, man.
Yeah.
I mean, what are you going to do?
It's, it's, you're, you're, you're really taking a risk
with your life and I can't live like that.
I feel horrible.
You feel really bad when you eat like the worst food ever.
You feel bad.
I just feel bad.
My throat, my nose, I just, everything about me.
You, you felt kind of bad the other night?
Yeah, I felt bad yesterday morning, yeah.
I mean, you just feel like shit and you want to do yoga.
I mean, I'm living in LA.
I should be doing yoga.
I should be in the sun.
I should be outside, not to smoke, to fucking, you know.
I should be spray painting Nancy Pelosi's garage.
What did they say on her garage?
Cancel rent.
Yeah, let me pull it up.
No one's canceling rent.
I mean, you know, listen, all these things would be nice, but.
Is that?
QK, cancel rent.
We want everything.
With a pig and some blood.
Well, it's nice that these people calm down after Trump lost, huh?
That was what I thought would happen, by the way.
Hey, egg on my face.
But I get it because, you know, these people have done nothing for anybody.
So if this is real and this happened and it's not Nancy Pelosi out there doing
it with her husband.
She paid some neighborhood kid to come over and do this.
Right.
She's like, we're getting a little heat.
Let's just put some lamb's blood on the door here so we can get some sympathy
points from people.
But, I mean, I get the rage and the anger at this woman.
You know, I'm not a fan.
But cancel rent.
We want everything.
I mean, what do you think you're going to get?
I mean, I don't even know anymore about the $2,000 checks.
Are they coming?
Who's getting them?
Don't know yet.
Is Hilaria Baldwin getting two grand?
I hope she does.
Who cares that she wants to be a Hispanic?
It makes you interesting.
It's nice when someone puts on an accent.
I like that.
Being who you are is stupid.
Truly.
Be another thing.
If you're not interesting, make yourself interesting.
And she's like, she wanted to be like Penelope Cruz or Catherine Zeta-Jones or
one of them.
Is Catherine Zeta-Jones Spanish?
Let me see.
Well, whatever.
It doesn't matter.
Let's not lose our fucking minds here.
The point is that she wanted to be a Spanish lady.
So what?
She wanted to be a high-class immigrant.
Let her be it.
Stop getting mad at her.
I defend her.
I defend her right to envision a different life for herself than the one she
had.
She married this psychopath millionaire.
And she goes, it's not good enough.
Because I go to parties and everyone goes, oh, you're just this guy's bitch.
I want to be something interesting.
And you know those white bitches love when someone is slightly different?
White people love when someone is slightly different.
Which is what she is.
It's slightly different.
It's not that different.
She's not in MS-13.
She's not in La Raza.
And I'm not equating those two things.
I'm just saying she's not selling, you know, mango with paprika in Soho.
She's slightly different.
Ever so slightly is she different.
She's a few degrees away from a basic white bitch.
Let her be it.
She's not sister soldier.
She's just different enough to make upper class white people.
It's a little spice.
It's a little spice.
I don't see the problem with it.
She's not going all the way here.
She's just doing that.
¿Cómo se dice cucumber?
I don't know how you say cucumber.
It's cute.
It's kind of cute.
It's endearing.
It's cute.
It makes me like her more.
The commitment to that is impressive to me.
I'm impressed by her.
That she goes, I just want to be a little.
She's clearly not Hispanic at all in any meaningful way.
But she just wants to be a little bit.
People don't realize how hard it is to be rich.
That's the problem.
Too many people are focused on like, oh, I don't have health insurance.
My mom's dead.
There's no appreciation for the struggles of the wealthy in this country.
None.
It's true.
You know, it's too much focus on people without and not enough about people
with.
Hilaria Baldwin is thrust into this world of very interesting, capable,
intelligent people.
And she's got no way to differentiate herself.
She's a basic white bitch.
She's a live, laugh, love, Chardonnay whore.
And she just fucking lucked out with that Alec Baldwin, who's, you know, always,
you know, telling his daughter she's a pig and punching photographers and doing
a horrible Trump impression, by the way, on that horrible show on Saturday
night.
And she just wants to be a smidgen different than a regular white bitch.
She just wants to be a little cool and have people ask her, what was it like in
Spain?
What was that like?
You're different from we are.
Did you sit and paint little tiles and make tapas?
Did you eat a jamon?
That's what she wants.
She wants people to ask her.
And she would tell stories, probably fake little stories.
And me and my grandmother, I must speak to her.
And we go to the village and we make, we take the pig and we carve the pig into
the jamon.
That's all she wants to do.
I'm in full support of her.
Would it heal the country if the cops shot her?
I'm going to do the aisle, I'm going to do the aisle style, like 41 times
against Saks Fifth Avenue.
Perhaps.
If the cops just shot her 41 times as she drops her bags at Bergdorf Goodman
and just emptied into her.
I mean, would people be happy with that?
Perhaps.
But I don't know.
We don't have to keep shaming this woman for wanting to be slightly different.
What's the problem?
I like it.
Go right back to it.
I hope she's Asian next.
How interesting it would be.
What if one of your friends just became Asian?
You wouldn't respect them more?
If I had a friend that became Asian, I would respect them so much more than I
currently do.
Just found a way to like be Asian.
Like start looking Asian, dressing Asian, creating an entire identity as an
Asian person, saying they grew up in Asia, saying they grew up in Japan when it
was just provably untrue.
That would be your coolest friend because you'd be like, this person's Asian
now.
I knew her when she wasn't Asian.
And that's where we're going to add.
I mean, somebody tweeted on Twitter the other day.
Gender is not a big deal.
That's why nobody cares about transgender.
Why do we all have to be the race we're born?
Let people switch.
Yeah, yeah.
That makes sense.
Let people be fluid, baby.
Let people be fluid.
You want to be black, you be black.
You want to, you know, there's, you know, that's a mixed bag.
According to black people, they'll tell you it's not all nice, but let people
be Asian.
I would like to be another race.
Why do I have to be an Irish prick for my entire life?
This red-faced Irish ranting goblin for my entire goddamn life.
Why can't I be Castilian Spanish?
They call him nice white Spanish.
Or why can't I be Asian?
Why can't I be Russian?
I don't understand that.
And I think it's a stupid kind of fucking outdated thing.
So I applaud her and whatever she wants to do, I support her.
I think that fuck people get angry about this shit for no goddamn reason.
I mean, she's just a little different.
She's not like walking around trying to be a maid.
She's not trying to be a lower class person.
She's trying to be upper.
She's still, she's not, she's not stabbing her class in the back here.
She's still going to garden parties and drinking fucking Viv Cliqueau.
She just does it with a little accent.
It would be really gross if she like was pretending to be a maid or something,
right?
Because we'd all be like, you don't have to do this, bitch.
It would be really bad if she was pretending to do something like that.
But she's just putting on a little accent, kind of the way Madonna did.
It's really not that big of a deal.
Speaking of maids, my maid is as fat and as lazy as I am.
What's the point of having her?
She come the other day and I can't, she's in here, no mask.
I don't know where she's been.
She's in here the other day in my kitchen and we're both silently eating a
pumpkin loaf.
Not, no one's cleaning.
If I want to, I'm fat and lazy, I don't need another fat and lazy person to
just stare at me.
You know, I mean, I don't know what to do with this woman.
I like her and I tip her and I give her a lot of money, but she's slow and she
jus