Name: #234 - Stop Ratting | The Tim Dillon Show
Uploaded: 2021-01-10T05:00:08.000Z
Description: Watch the stand-up comedy video '#234 - Stop Ratting | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-10. Transcript available.

Watch the stand-up comedy video '#234 - Stop Ratting | The Tim Dillon Show' from The Tim Dillon Show on Comedy Buff. Published 2021-01-10. Transcript available.

#234 - Stop Ratting | The Tim Dillon Show

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the Tim Dillon Show. I am Tim Dillon. What a
week we've had.
A little skirmish over there in the old Capitol. Stop the ratting. Stop ratting
out all these
idiots that ran into fucking the Capitol. They're idiots. Some of them did
commit crimes. A lot of
them didn't. They were just standing there being morons. I told you this sobering
up from the QAnon
wasn't going to go well. Who told you that? I said that. I've been on record
going, they're not going to
take it well when they find out that this shit's not really going to work out
the way they want it to.
Imagine you thought you were saving the children and then you find out you're
not, that no one's
being saved, and you're wrong, and the people you've invested your fucking time
into, in some cases your
money, the people you had faith in have sold you down the river, like Trump did
when he went up and,
and, you know, correctly, he was like, what the fuck? Can't do this? After
encouraging them and
egging them on, saying they were great people. Then he went out and went, well,
wait a minute.
But this is what happens. This is a tough pill for those people to swallow,
but you don't need to rat on everybody in that crowd. Come on. I didn't even
rat on the Airbnb
who tried to destroy my life because we simply wanted to have a meal in their
drug den in Joshua Tree.
I didn't even drop a dime on them because I am against ratting.
I, you know, just let it go. Also, why do you want to do your, someone else's
job for them?
Why do you want to do someone else's job? That's the cop's job. Let the cops
figure out who stole Nancy Pelosi's pen.
You don't have to go into citizen detective mode and figure out who was
responsible.
I mean, for doing whatever the hell they did. Supposedly smearing shit. Is that
true?
Yeah. Yeah. They took shits in the bathrooms and tracked it all over the
Capitol building. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah.
They're doing what they're accusing the people, the cues accusing the senators
are doing. These people are like, how do you like it?
But you don't have to go out there and, you know, where in the world is Carmen
Sandiego? Where in the world is, you know, I don't know, the dude with the
horns or whatever?
These people are going to get found out. You don't have to be an online sleuth.
These people are going to get found out. The cops are going to arrest them.
This is what's going to happen.
But it's so funny how schizophrenic everything is. Like now, now everybody is
like, cops are heroes. These police are heroes. The Capitol police are heroes.
You see those cops? They're heroes. You see the black cop who's all the white
people yelling at him. He's a hero. However, the black cop where the white and
black mixed race crowd was yelling at him with the BLM protests, that guy's a
part of the problem.
But now that guy's a hero. You see? So nobody has any values. Nothing matters.
Truly nothing matters. No one really cares. The cops are heroes now.
And protesting is bad. Just being at a protest is bad. And it should bar you
from ever being employed again, ever.
No one should work ever again. You should lose your job as an apprentice at the
tattoo parlor.
And these people don't have high-level jobs, but they work at, like, call
centers.
There's some poor guy, some schmuck, who's gotten sucked into a QAnon cult
because he can't afford any other type of cult.
He's fucking, you know, spends six months, thinks he's hunting pedophiles on 4chan.
Then he fucking goes to meet up with his friends.
All of a sudden, he gets caught up in a moment, and he's in the fucking chamber
of, you know, Congress.
Yeah, I mean, it's a bad choice.
It's probably going to fuck him from doing certain things.
Let that schmuck...
If he's charged with a crime, he's charged with a crime, whatever.
You know, if you got caught, you got caught.
But don't you go and...
I mean, let the guy go back to the call center job.
This isn't the CFO of fucking Goldman Sachs running around there.
These people's lives are not great.
That's why they're there with a helmet on.
Nobody who has a really good life is in Congress with a helmet on.
I'm telling you.
These people have mental problems.
Most of them.
Just the BLM people.
A lot of them.
The hardcore.
I'm talking about, you know, the 300-pound woman with purple hair.
The people that are screaming and going nuts.
And my friend's 80-year-old uncle's in a car, and they go up to the car, and
they're like,
say Black Lives Matter!
Say it!
The people that are, like, harassing the elderly, they have mental problems as
well.
It's not just, like, you have a political difference with these people.
They're extremists.
That ideology comes from being mentally unwell, being socially unwell.
These are antisocial personality disorders.
They should be studied.
Not listened to.
Not retweeted.
They should be studied.
But, you know, I just can't get involved with the ratting.
These people really thought this presidency was going to end a different way.
And, I mean, you know, unfortunately, I was ringing the bell for them, telling
them this is not the way it's going to work.
You know, it's like the movie Clifford.
The great movie Clifford, starring one of my favorites, Charles Grodin, and
then Martin Short, Clifford, with Mary Steenburgen.
Clifford was great, because Clifford wanted to go to Dinosaur World, and, you
know, his Uncle Martin kept running into problems.
He was unable to take him to Dinosaur World.
Well, and then he, of course, went insane, and his Uncle Martin was building a
model of the L.A. transportation system, and then Clifford blew it up.
Sorry, spoiler alert.
Spoiler alert.
And that is how people reacted when they found out they couldn't go to Dinosaur
World, that they weren't going to be personally arresting Barack and Michelle
Obama and putting them in Guantanamo Bay.
They thought they were going to be marching down fucking Beverly Boulevard, and
they were going to go up into the hills to Chrissy Teigen's house and take her
out and arrest her, and then, I guess, steal her cookware line and cook with it,
or I don't know.
But they really thought this was what was going to happen, that Alan DeGeneres
was going to be going to jail.
None of this was true.
All of this was bullshit.
All of this was, like, you know, a LARPing fucking just troll game that these
people fell for because they're terribly unsophisticated, and because the
country is so fucked up and so many of the monsters are real that these people
found out about it, and their brains melted.
They had no idea.
When they found out about the Epsteins and the this and the that and how fucked
up things are, automatically, overnight, they started to get an overflow of
information, and they were manipulated by people like Steve Bannon and these
other people that didn't give a fuck about them, and just, they thought we're
going to get their votes and let them believe whatever we want them to believe.
And it really, I don't know how many of the people in the Capitol were hardcore
Q people, but I got to imagine it's a few.
I got to imagine some of them found their way in there.
Wasn't the guy that I, we just did that sketch.
He was the QAnon shaman.
Yeah.
The QAnon shaman.
He goes, I see different levels of, you know, pedophiles.
This is him.
This is him.
This guy.
Yeah.
Yeah, there he is.
Jake and Jelly, I think his name is.
And you know, you got people there with neo-Nazi flags and everything like that.
But here's the other thing, folks, and this is like an uncomfortable thing.
Nobody really wants to talk about this.
Nobody really wants to admit this.
You're not going to be able to arrest or shame every Nazi.
You're going to have to deal with certain Nazis.
You know, if you want a tattoo, you might have to deal with a Nazi unknowingly.
This is what it is.
You don't think I have to deal with hardcore anarcho-communists?
Of course.
What if I want ice cream in Portland?
I can't scoop it myself.
I got to deal with one of these militant dykes.
I don't care.
I don't want them to lose their job.
I just walk in.
I go, yeah, punch Nazis and Rocky Road or whatever I want that day.
And this bitch scoops it up.
And it's, we move on.
I don't give a fuck.
I don't, I don't go, oh, this bitch wants to destroy anything good about what I
think this
country means.
Let's get rid of her.
I don't care.
And if she heard my comedy, she'd probably want me in a cage.
I just move the fuck on.
Get your fucking ice cream and go.
Get your tattoo and go.
Why are we going to arrest everybody?
People, I don't, who cares what people believe?
Yes, if you run into the Capitol, yes, you're going to get arrested.
It's what it is.
I mean, I don't know what to tell you.
You know, if you do something crazy in the BLM protests, you burn down somebody's
small
business.
Yeah, you're going to be arrested.
You're destroying property.
I, you know, what are you going to do?
But if you're just being an idiot, I don't know.
What's the punishment for that?
You're probably not doing that great.
You know?
So I don't know.
I just, I think this is this, I don't know what happened when everybody's like,
we got
to get, we got to get rid of all these, everybody we disagree with.
They can't, they can't have shitty jobs.
These people aren't really raking it in here.
You know, these people aren't doing well, for the most part, they're living off
money they've
inherited.
They, they have some type of stipend.
They're living in some type of communal house.
I don't know what the fuck they're doing.
But I mean, I'm sure that I deal, I deal professionally with people I disagree
with all the time about
many different things, all the time about many, many different things.
You know, I, I, I would never expect, I have a personal trainer who I disagree
with about
many things because he was like, he's always like, what are you eating?
What are you doing?
And I'm like, I think it's more important for him to start looking into Q and
to discover
the truth for himself.
But he's very like about me and everything I'm doing.
And I'm like, that's not that important.
When you look at all of the children, have you saved all of the children yet?
No.
Well then how about you go and state, have you saved any of them?
No.
Why?
Well, I haven't found the underground tunnels.
Anyway, what did you have for breakfast?
Keep looking for the tunnels.
There's, you see, there's, we're having a divergence of opinion.
We're unable to serve each other in, in the way that we need to.
I have professional disagreement all the time and I deal with people and I make
the best
of it because I'm a fucking adult.
I don't care if the dental hygienist believes in ghosts.
It doesn't matter to me if the bitch cleaning my teeth went to the fucking Area
51 Roswell
convention and fucking dressed her, dressed like a gray alien and jumped around
on DMT.
As long as she's sober when she's fucking cleaning my teeth.
I don't know what this bitch thinks about.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
I got enough problem thoughts in my own goddamn head to worry about what other
people are doing.
Okay.
So all these people that are just ratting people out.
Oh, you know, don't give these people any of your money at, you know, Nazi
tattoo or whatever.
It's like, I don't know.
Don't get a tattoo.
They're stupid.
Tattoos are stupid.
They are.
I'm sorry.
I know many of you have them and you love them and everyone has one now.
Why don't you be the person that doesn't get one?
How about you be the badass that doesn't get a tattoo?
And then you won't worry if your money is not going to happen.
Yeah.
Let your dead dog or your dead grandfather, let them lie.
You don't need them on your bicep.
Let them lie.
Okay.
I deal with fucking militant communist dykes all the fucking time.
They're in every ice cream parlor ever.
And I loved coffee at one time.
They were in all the coffee shops.
Black block Antifa in the coffee shop.
If I want a lemon loaf, I got to deal with black block.
It